Should I move in with my girlfriend?

[ntt]

I've been together with my girlfriend now for approximately 3 years, although for the last year she has been living overseas on a working visa.

 

She will be returning home soon and it made me start thinking about our living arrangements. When she gets back she will need to find a roof over her head, and I've been thinking about asking her to move in together with me. Since we've been together for quite a while I think it would help with taking the relationship to the next level - it feels like the relationship is just going along with the status quo, and it feels like we aren't getting closer, but we aren't moving further apart.

 

I am 36 years old and my girlfriend is 33, and at this point in life for a lot of people it would seem to be where people feel pressure to settle down - for those who want children the clock is ticking. I'm not a person who feels I need to have children, and I think my girlfriend is similar, but I haven't completely ruled it out either. I'm a person who struggles a bit with relationships, and I think is partially due to mental illness, which makes it difficult to express my emotions and get close to someone. It also makes it hard for me to picture the future - I can't see a clear picture for the future, and this doesn't just apply to relationships, or children, but to life in general.

 

I've been procrastinating on asking her to move in as I've been having some doubts. One article I read [] suggested it was a bad idea moving in together to give the relationship a litmus test, because you can end up moving in with someone, and sticking with them because it becomes harder to separate from each other. My partner and I are both avoidant people, and we rarely get into arguments with each, and I fear that we may get frustrated with each other, but not be able to express our frustrations because we are avoidant.

 

Originally I was thinking to ask her to move into my 1-bedroom apartment to kind of trial it out in the short-term. This would be good because I'm not locked in to a long-term lease, and it's a place that I can afford to live in on my own. If things were working we could move from my 1-bedroom place to a larger place. However, I don't think this is going to work because she has a cat, and my current place isn't very pet friendly. Her parents are currently looking after her cat, but I think they've had enough of her cat, heh. Perhaps she could stay with me for a few weeks and put her cat in boarding, but there would be pressure to find a new place pretty quickly.

 

So, I'm not really sure what my next step should be. I think going along with the status quo in life is generally a bad move, and something needs to change. But I'm not sure if moving in together will help, or whether it may make things worse?

Edited February 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Normm]

What's the worst that can happen.

[preraph]

Why not do this. Why not see what she does for a place to live where her and her cat can live and then see if YOU want to move in with HER or if she just wants to be on her own. I don't think it's a good idea moving in together right when she first gets here mainly because of what you said about the relationship just kind of being static. It may get better or worse and you don't really need to be living together until you see how it goes once she's here for awhile. Because what if you end up "just a roommate"?

[ntt]

Why not do this. Why not see what she does for a place to live where her and her cat can live and then see if YOU want to move in with HER or if she just wants to be on her own. I don't think it's a good idea moving in together right when she first gets here mainly because of what you said about the relationship just kind of being static. It may get better or worse and you don't really need to be living together until you see how it goes once she's here for awhile. Because what if you end up "just a roommate"?

 

This would be a good idea, but we live in an expensive city, so she won't be able to afford the cost of getting an apartment on her own. I'm over share housing so I wouldn't be really keen to move into a sharehouse.

[ntt]

What's the worst that can happen.

 

Here are a few scenarios:

• We get a place together with a 6-month lease, and things do not work out. There would be the costs/hassle involved in moving twice, and potentially with breaking the lease. If things do not work out then perhaps they were not meant to be, and the costs would not send me broke so it wouldn't be the end of the world.
  
• We move in together and start to frustrate each other, but because we are avoidant we tolerate the situation even though it is making us unhappy. I'd like to think I am conscious enough to realize when this happening, and assertive enough to do something about it, but I have a bit of doubt in my mind.
  

[preraph]

Well, I think the point still stands, which is : What is she going to do left to her own devices? Does she have a plan? You surely don't want to feel she only moved in with you because of money worries, do you? You'd always wonder.

[Mr. Lucky]

She will be returning home soon and it made me start thinking about our living arrangements. When she gets back she will need to find a roof over her head, and I've been thinking about asking her to move in together with me.

 

The right idea - but for the wrong reason.

 

Never once in your post did I read "I'm crazy about her" or "Can't live without her". Instead, she sounds more like a potential roommate than a romantic partner and most of your concerns are business/financial rather than emotional. I'd guess you'd get on each other nerves quickly and things would get tense.

 

Better to have her move back, find a place and date each other for a while so you can get used again to living in the same city. Hopefully, thinks will move up in temp from the current lukewarm state...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ntt]

While I may not be crazy in love, I have really missed her over the last year. I think I'm a bit pragmatic (perhaps too much) when it comes to matters of the heart. I've never been in a relationship where I have been head-over-heels in love, and I question whether I have the capacity for this. I think it is often better to work on a non-ideal relationship, as long as the positives firmly outweight the negatives. In my opinion it is better that than hold out for some ideal which may be impossible to realize.

 

You may be right that it is best not to move in together at this stage, but I think I need to look at what I can do so we aren't stuck with the status quo, and can take the relationship to the next level (assuming it is possible).

Edited February 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[clia]

I think it's a little strange that after three years together the two of you haven't talked at all about the future of your relationship and wanting/not wanting kids, etc. Do you have any idea if she wants to live together, wants marriage, etc.?

 

You really need to figure out what you want out of the relationship. It sounds like you aren't even sure you want things to change between the two of you. Do you? Of course things can go wrong, but that's part of life. If you want things to move forward, you have to at least try.

[Guildford]

NTT - If your girlfriend has been living overseas for the past year, she may not be in the same place emotionally when she gets back. Perhaps she should find her own place to live (maybe her parents) so that both of you can see where the relationship is before you make the decision to move in together.

[Crazelnut]

No, don't move her in. And DON'T move to a bigger place just to accommodate her. She needs to move back, get her own place like an adult, and you guys need to reacquaint yourselves and restart your relationship. Long distance isn't the same dynamic as being physically together, so go back to the situation before she moved (i.e., 2 separate places) and just DATE and get to know each other again. You're both (especially her) different than when she left. Just go slow and give it time.

[olivetree]

While I may not be crazy in love, I have really missed her over the last year. I think I'm a bit pragmatic (perhaps too much) when it comes to matters of the heart. I've never been in a relationship where I have been head-over-heels in love, and I question whether I have the capacity for this. I think it is often better to work on a non-ideal relationship, as long as the positives firmly outweight the negatives. In my opinion it is better that than hold out for some ideal which may be impossible to realize.

 

You may be right that it is best not to move in together at this stage, but I think I need to look at what I can do so we aren't stuck with the status quo, and can take the relationship to the next level (assuming it is possible).

 

I think that what you should be focusing on is working on your avoidance and progressing the relationship emotionally.

 

Being emotionally open and vulnerable, turning towards your partner instead of away, fighting the urge to run away from conflict, etc. will connect you.

You may find that these actions are what actually makes you fall head-over-heels for someone... someone who does the same.

Since she is avoidant too, she may not be that person, unless she too wants to come closer.

 

So once you overcome some of your avoidant tendencies, it may feel more natural to take the next step to live together.

 

I suggest seeking out an individual therapist with whom you can establish a safe connection with and practice vulnerability with.

[d0nnivain]

You have been a world apart for too long to jump right into cohabitating. You need to get to know each other again & date conventionally for a while.

 

Moving in when the primary reason for doing this is economic (you live in a HCOL area) almost guarantees this will fail. Move in because you love each other & can't stand the thought of being apart or maintain separate addresses.

[ntt]

I think it's a little strange that after three years together the two of you haven't talked at all about the future of your relationship and wanting/not wanting kids, etc. Do you have any idea if she wants to live together, wants marriage, etc.?

It's not that we haven't talked about but we've kind of shied away from talking about it in detail. We're both uncertain about our futures which make this kind of disucssion hard.

 

You really need to figure out what you want out of the relationship. It sounds like you aren't even sure you want things to change between the two of you. Do you? Of course things can go wrong, but that's part of life. If you want things to move forward, you have to at least try.

For sure I want things to change between the two of us. I thought that moving in together could be a trigger that helps things to change, but perhaps there are better approaches to creating change, e.g. increasing emotional intimacy, which has been suggsted in this thread.

[ntt]

I think that what you should be focusing on is working on your avoidance and progressing the relationship emotionally.

 

Being emotionally open and vulnerable, turning towards your partner instead of away, fighting the urge to run away from conflict, etc. will connect you.

...

I suggest seeking out an individual therapist with whom you can establish a safe connection with and practice vulnerability with.

 

Yes, I would definately agree with this. I'm planning to go to a therapist in the next few weeks where I can talk about these kinds of issues. When I've seen a therapist in the past I haven't really focussed on relationship issues, as relationship conflict hasn't been a major theme, but I think avoidance is just as important to address.