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Pressured To Take In Adult Brother-in-Law


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My husband and I are newlyweds. Even though we have been together for a number of years, we have just recently got married. We are now at the stage where we are finally under contract with a house we have bought. We will be closing in mid-March. This will be our first house together and we’re ridiculously excited. Owning a place of our own is something I have been dreaming of and working toward for many years. However, we have a dilemma here and it is now causing some tension in our marriage.

 

My mother-in-law is selling her house and moving in with my sister-in-law, her hubby and their children. She is currently under contract with a buyer and will need to be out of her current place by the beginning of May. My brother-in-law also lives with my mother-in-law and will also have to move once the house closes. This is something that is not going over well for my brother-in-law. He is a 40-year-old adult man who is insistent upon the fact that he will NOT move out when the house sells. Mother-in-law has been pressuring him to find a place for himself to live, so that he has a roof over his head once they both need to be out of the house in May. He is refusing. He is under the impression that he will be able to “save” the house from being sold and keeps going on and on about how he refuses to give up the property. He is acting delusional and being incredibly difficult to reason with. Anytime mother-in-law tries to help him find an apartment or rental home, he gives her a hard time and throws a tantrum. He has a lot of issues dealing with change. The house he currently lives in is his childhood home and I know it pains him that he will need to up and move. Along with that, he is used to his mother taking care of his every single need and babying him as if he is incapable of being an adult and handling things on his own. Mind you, he is not suffering from any sort of handicap or disability. He is just lazy, stubborn and afraid to be off on his own without his mother.

 

So, now mother-in-law is trying to manipulate me and my husband into taking in my brother-in-law. She claims that he refuses to move and to even look into getting a place of his own, so when they need to vacant the house, he will have no place to go and will end up homeless. I am absolutely against taking in my brother-in-law. I do love him, but he can be extremely difficult to deal with and I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own home. Beyond that, he will not have a vehicle of his own (he uses his mom’s car) nor will he have a job. My husband has told his mother NO on several occasions, but she will not let it go. Basically, I feel she is trying to pawn off her burden on us by demanding that we take in her man-child son.

 

I am a new wife. I want to start a family. I want privacy and I want to do as I please in the house that we worked so hard to save up for. My brother-in-law is the controlling, his way or the highway type. He gets drunk and falls into deep depressions with crying fits. He has a lot of resentment toward the fact that my mother-in-law is selling their family home because she simply cannot afford it anymore. He throws things while in his fits of rage and needs to be treated as if he is a 2-year-old toddler when he gets into these fits. Having him live with us will just be a recipe for disaster. I honestly do not feel comfortable or secure living in a house with an unpredictable person along with someone who cannot afford to help out financially because he lacks a job. My husband also agrees that his mother’s idea of having her son come with us is an awful idea. However, I do know my mother-in-law is working on my husband in an attempt to manipulate him into taking his brother. I hate making my husband take sides, but I told him that I will be gone if he agrees to having his brother come with us.

 

I am angry and a bit resentful myself that mother-in-law is throwing this on us. Brother-in-law has known for 6 months that the house was on the market and now also has an additional two months to get his act together and find a place of his own, but he refuses to budge. How is this now our problem? This man is a middle-aged fully capable adult who needs to come to terms with the fact that the house is being sold whether he likes it or not. No one is giving this man-child a swift kick in the you know what. I told husband to tell his mother to simply get an apartment for her son, arrange a moving truck and be done with it.

 

With all the stresses of buying a house and moving, worrying about brother-in-law should not be anywhere on my radar. However, now that it is coming down to the wire, this is becoming quite a serious issue in our marriage. Am I wrong for refusing to enable my lazy brother-in-law by not taking him in? How do I go about ensuring that mother-in-law stops her manipulation tactics on my husband? I have yet to personally have a talk with her about this, but I am on the verge of losing my cool with this woman because she is not respecting our wishes and keeps pushing the idea, trying to give my husband a guilt trip. He is a bit of a softie when it comes to his mother, so I worry that her manipulation techniques will end up proving successful. Husband does know fully and completely how I feel about this and I refuse to even debate about the topic. It’s a hard NO from me, no matter what.

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Husband does know fully and completely how I feel about this and I refuse to even debate about the topic. It’s a hard NO from me, no matter what.

 

 

Good for you. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

However, there is no question here.

Maybe tell BIL yourself if you're trying to head off trouble.

(Since you say it is a 'hard NO' which means there is no compromise to be had.)

 

Once they have their stuff in your spare room it is hard to get them out...

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If the spoiled son is so intent on keeping the house, then tell him he can be the one to buy it. Or his mother - you know, the one who created this monster - should just give him the house. This is HER mess and her son’s, and you’re absolutely correct that she’s sick of dealing with him and is trying to pawn him off on you. Your husband should tell his mother it’s no longer up for discussion, that the brother isn’t moving in - end of discussion.

 

And you’re very right to be concerned on another level. This guy isn’t stable-minded and he doesn’t need to be in the house with a young woman, and with kids when they come along. Once he’s there, you’ll never get rid of him.

 

Btw, congrats on your new home!

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Another vote for "no". If he was a high functioning adult who needed to keep a roof over his head for two weeks between homes, it's fair enough. But given his track record with your MIL, once he moves in, he'll never move out.

 

I also believe that your hubby needs to put his mother very firmly in her place. Next time she raises it, something along the lines of "I have already told you "no". I am newly married and building my own life. It's unfair of you to put this on me and we WILL NOT be having this discussion again"

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I think, sorry to say, but unless your husband is super strong to stand up to his mother or he can organise other care for the BIL, your BIL will be moving in to your place...

At that point, I would advise you make arrangements to get your fair share and run far away.

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Make sure your husband is fully on board with his brother not moving in. Letting him move in is just relocating the problem. He needs to grow up & live in reality.

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I have yet to personally have a talk with her about this, but I am on the verge of losing my cool with this woman because she is not respecting our wishes and keeps pushing the idea, trying to give my husband a guilt trip. He is a bit of a softie when it comes to his mother, so I worry that her manipulation techniques will end up proving successful. Husband does know fully and completely how I feel about this and I refuse to even debate about the topic. It’s a hard NO from me, no matter what.

 

Boy Kenay2009, do you write for a living? What a clear and well-constructed summary of the issues, including the history involved and reasons for your feelings.

 

Your problem is neither your MIL or BIL - it's your husband. Much like the UN Security Council, decisions like this require a unanimous consensus between the two of you. You've exercised your veto, it's up to your H to make it stand.

 

You're about to find out in short order if you've married the right man. Since you seem otherwise happy, hope he finds his backbone and does the right thing. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

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He is a 40-year-old adult man who is insistent upon the fact that he will NOT move out when the house sells. Mother-in-law has been pressuring him to find a place for himself to live, so that he has a roof over his head once they both need to be out of the house in May. He is refusing. He is under the impression that he will be able to “save” the house from being sold and keeps going on and on about how he refuses to give up the property. He is acting delusional and being incredibly difficult to reason with. Anytime mother-in-law tries to help him find an apartment or rental home, he gives her a hard time and throws a tantrum. He has a lot of issues dealing with change. The house he currently lives in is his childhood home and I know it pains him that he will need to up and move. Along with that, he is used to his mother taking care of his every single need and babying him as if he is incapable of being an adult and handling things on his own.

 

I'm curious if he's ever been developmentally tested? His situation is unusual, for lack of a better word.

 

My mother-in-law is selling her house and moving in with my sister-in-law, her hubby and their children.

 

Feel sorry for your sister-in-law. Your MIL sounds like a handful...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Stick to your guns. My father once took in his brother and his two young children, my parents even bought a bigger house to accommodate them. My mother finally could not take my uncle any longer and told my father either his brother goes or she goes (she did say she would raise the two children). My uncle left with the children.

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I think, sorry to say, but unless your husband is super strong to stand up to his mother or he can organise other care for the BIL, your BIL will be moving in to your place...

At that point, I would advise you make arrangements to get your fair share and run far away.

 

 

 

Yes, this is what I dread will actually happen. I have a feeling husband will say (due to his mom's manipulation lol) "Oh, let's let him stay for a month or so till he gets his feet on the ground". If I say no to a month, I look like the bad guy. I know how it will it be though, a month turns into three months, three months into six, and so on and so forth.

 

It's a sucky situation, but at the end of the day, it's really not my problem. He's an adult and needs to grow up. I have issues with MIL as it is. She has always stuck her nose in my business and has tried to control things when it comes to my relationship with her son, so far as to demand that we have a certain number of children, demand who we invite to our wedding, and to demand we live in a specific area of her liking. So her knowing that I am rejecting the idea of her man-child son coming to live with us is definitely going to be used against me.

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You may want to preemptively set up a marital therapy appointment because this will go all sorts of wrong unless your husband finds his testicles and gets some boundaries with his family.

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You should never have been asked or been expected to take in your brother-in-law. He’s a fully functioning grown man who seems to be throwing a fit because he can’t get his way.

 

Taking him in won’t help him but will only further enable him. Do him a favor and say no.

 

So wait, mom is moving with her daughter with all her house money and you get the unemployed son? What did your husband ever do to piss her off?

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I'm curious if he's ever been developmentally tested? His situation is unusual, for lack of a better word.

 

 

 

Feel sorry for your sister-in-law. Your MIL sounds like a handful...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's quite funny because he is a fully functioning adult. He actually used to work with developmentally disabled people as their caretaker. He is of sound mind intellectually. However, he does seem to have emotional issues. He actually brags about the fact that he is "psychopathic" at times. He takes pride in causing chaos and having a narcissistic personality. He brags about it like he has won some shiny medal. It's quite scary when he gets into these phases. He has done some pretty crappy things to people in the past and has boasted about it. He has straight up asked myself and others "Do you think I am a sociopath or psychopath?"

 

Now he is obsessed with the spiritual world and insists that his spiritual guides will give him unlimited amounts of money so that he can buy the house off his mother. Like I said up thread, he is delusional in some of this thought process.

 

To be honest, I truly believe that his issues stem from his upbringing. He was always given what he wanted, a very spoiled child and man. Had everything handed to him on a silver platter and he never appreciated anything that was given to him or done for him. He also was never told NO, so now that he is being told he has to leave the premises come spring, he doesn't know how to handle it. It is like his world is crashing down around him. Do I feel bad for him? Yes, somewhat. However, I live in reality and understand that we all have to do things we don't want to do sometimes.

 

I really do worry that he may end up deeply depressed once he has no other choice but to leave the property. When he is depressed, he drinks copious amounts, freaks out and cries for hours on end, rehashes the same stories over and over from his childhood and can be violent. He has physically pushed me and other women over during his drunk rampages. One time he screwed up my knee really bad and refused to apologize about it. He also tends to just pick up whatever is near him and throw it on the floor, regardless of whose property it is. He then will refuse to clean it up or replace whatever item he broke.

 

Ya know, with writing out all of this man's insanity, it even makes it more clear that he definitely is not welcome to live in my house regardless of whether it's a week, month, year. I do not feel safe around him. Knowing that he will be at a very low, possibly depressed point in his life when he has to move makes me fearful of even being around him, let alone have him living in my place.

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I said it before and I wasn’t being glib — it is completely unsafe for this guy to be in your home. There will be many situations when you’re there with him alone and, given his character and mental instability, that’s just a recipe for disaster. You need to let your husband know that the two of you need to present a united front on this subject and he needs to state that under no uncertain terms will the brother ever live with the two of you. He is literally putting your safety at risk if he allows the brother to stay for even one day.

 

Family members tend to downplay the seriousness of another family member’s problems because they’re accustomed to the behavior, but your husband has got to get on board with you about this.

 

As far as your MIL is concerned, you need to stand your ground with her in order to minimize conflict. This means that when you say something to her, that’s the end of the discussion. You can’t allow her to keep meddling in your life and badgering you. If she continues, limit your time with her. Obviously, based on her relationship with her screwed up son, she enjoys having people depend on her and controlling them. She needs to get the message from you that she’s not going to be able to pull that off with you and your husband.

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Ya know, with writing out all of this man's insanity, it even makes it more clear that he definitely is not welcome to live in my house regardless of whether it's a week, month, year. I do not feel safe around him. Knowing that he will be at a very low, possibly depressed point in his life when he has to move makes me fearful of even being around him, let alone have him living in my place.

I wasn't actually joking when I said if this man comes to stay in your house then you run far far away.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

It sounds like he may be suffering from a mental illness. He is NOT your problem and I hope your husband respects this and your new family you are building. Having him stay with you would be a complete disaster. He needs to put on his big boy pants, get a job, and get a small place of his own.

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So wait, mom is moving with her daughter with all her house money and you get the unemployed son?

 

I'm sure, if the OP wanted, she could have the mother-in-law instead :eek::eek::eek::eek:

 

Mr. Lucky

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There are things you can do out of love & kindness besides letting BIL move in.

 

Once the sale happens & he has to move, you can help him pack. If it would facilitate things, maybe even pay for the moving company. Help him unpack at his new place.

 

You know that once he moves in, you will never get him out.

 

You really need your husband to step up & say No!

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You should never have been asked or been expected to take in your brother-in-law. He’s a fully functioning grown man who seems to be throwing a fit because he can’t get his way.

 

Taking him in won’t help him but will only further enable him. Do him a favor and say no.

 

So wait, mom is moving with her daughter with all her house money and you get the unemployed son? What did your husband ever do to piss her off?

 

I believe she is giving a cut of the money she makes from the house sale to her 4 children. I really don't understand it because she claims her son has no money and nowhere to go, yet she is giving him quite a large chunk of change, so she is full of crap. He can very easily use that money to pay for rent for a number of years. I believe she just doesn't want to put the work into finding her son a place to live, knowing he won't do it for himself. Hubby and I are just a convenient resource for her to throw her son onto us.

 

My husband is the only one out of all of MIL's children that is constantly helping her out without giving her lip about it. Blows my mind that she is relying on him to care for her other pain in the ass son.

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I'm sure, if the OP wanted, she could have the mother-in-law instead :eek::eek::eek::eek:

 

Mr. Lucky

 

LOL, no way in hell could I deal with her either. Oh, but she has hinted at it in the past, prior to settling her plans with living with her daughter. I laughed when she hinted at it. I really am not even planning on telling her our new address until she is already settled into her daughter's place. I showed her pics of our new place and she was more than excited that it had 4-bedrooms. I knew exactly what she was thinking, so I shut that down REAL fast haha.

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So, let's say MIL's and BIL's closing day comes and he STILL has nowhere to live (which I think will be the case because MIL is scheming and BIL is not taking things into his own hands), do I stand firm and then allow this guy to be homeless?

 

I cannot even imagine the backlash I will get from MIL and the rest of my husband's family for saying no if BIL is out on the streets. I will never hear the end of it.

 

I mean, I have a heart, but on the other hand, this guy has adequate time to get a place for himself or for his mother to help him get a place. Even his own sister refuses to take him in, so I know I am not being irrational here.

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