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Pressured To Take In Adult Brother-in-Law


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Old 13th February 2019, 10:27 AM   #16
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I'm curious if he's ever been developmentally tested? His situation is unusual, for lack of a better word.



Feel sorry for your sister-in-law. Your MIL sounds like a handful...

Mr. Lucky
It's quite funny because he is a fully functioning adult. He actually used to work with developmentally disabled people as their caretaker. He is of sound mind intellectually. However, he does seem to have emotional issues. He actually brags about the fact that he is "psychopathic" at times. He takes pride in causing chaos and having a narcissistic personality. He brags about it like he has won some shiny medal. It's quite scary when he gets into these phases. He has done some pretty crappy things to people in the past and has boasted about it. He has straight up asked myself and others "Do you think I am a sociopath or psychopath?"

Now he is obsessed with the spiritual world and insists that his spiritual guides will give him unlimited amounts of money so that he can buy the house off his mother. Like I said up thread, he is delusional in some of this thought process.

To be honest, I truly believe that his issues stem from his upbringing. He was always given what he wanted, a very spoiled child and man. Had everything handed to him on a silver platter and he never appreciated anything that was given to him or done for him. He also was never told NO, so now that he is being told he has to leave the premises come spring, he doesn't know how to handle it. It is like his world is crashing down around him. Do I feel bad for him? Yes, somewhat. However, I live in reality and understand that we all have to do things we don't want to do sometimes.

I really do worry that he may end up deeply depressed once he has no other choice but to leave the property. When he is depressed, he drinks copious amounts, freaks out and cries for hours on end, rehashes the same stories over and over from his childhood and can be violent. He has physically pushed me and other women over during his drunk rampages. One time he screwed up my knee really bad and refused to apologize about it. He also tends to just pick up whatever is near him and throw it on the floor, regardless of whose property it is. He then will refuse to clean it up or replace whatever item he broke.

Ya know, with writing out all of this man's insanity, it even makes it more clear that he definitely is not welcome to live in my house regardless of whether it's a week, month, year. I do not feel safe around him. Knowing that he will be at a very low, possibly depressed point in his life when he has to move makes me fearful of even being around him, let alone have him living in my place.
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Old 13th February 2019, 11:08 AM   #17
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I said it before and I wasnít being glib ó it is completely unsafe for this guy to be in your home. There will be many situations when youíre there with him alone and, given his character and mental instability, thatís just a recipe for disaster. You need to let your husband know that the two of you need to present a united front on this subject and he needs to state that under no uncertain terms will the brother ever live with the two of you. He is literally putting your safety at risk if he allows the brother to stay for even one day.

Family members tend to downplay the seriousness of another family memberís problems because theyíre accustomed to the behavior, but your husband has got to get on board with you about this.

As far as your MIL is concerned, you need to stand your ground with her in order to minimize conflict. This means that when you say something to her, thatís the end of the discussion. You canít allow her to keep meddling in your life and badgering you. If she continues, limit your time with her. Obviously, based on her relationship with her screwed up son, she enjoys having people depend on her and controlling them. She needs to get the message from you that sheís not going to be able to pull that off with you and your husband.
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Old 13th February 2019, 11:30 AM   #18
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Ya know, with writing out all of this man's insanity, it even makes it more clear that he definitely is not welcome to live in my house regardless of whether it's a week, month, year. I do not feel safe around him. Knowing that he will be at a very low, possibly depressed point in his life when he has to move makes me fearful of even being around him, let alone have him living in my place.
I wasn't actually joking when I said if this man comes to stay in your house then you run far far away.
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Old 13th February 2019, 12:01 PM   #19
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It sounds like he may be suffering from a mental illness. He is NOT your problem and I hope your husband respects this and your new family you are building. Having him stay with you would be a complete disaster. He needs to put on his big boy pants, get a job, and get a small place of his own.
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Old 13th February 2019, 12:59 PM   #20
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So wait, mom is moving with her daughter with all her house money and you get the unemployed son?
I'm sure, if the OP wanted, she could have the mother-in-law instead

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Old 13th February 2019, 1:04 PM   #21
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There are things you can do out of love & kindness besides letting BIL move in.

Once the sale happens & he has to move, you can help him pack. If it would facilitate things, maybe even pay for the moving company. Help him unpack at his new place.

You know that once he moves in, you will never get him out.

You really need your husband to step up & say No!
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Old 13th February 2019, 1:25 PM   #22
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You should never have been asked or been expected to take in your brother-in-law. Heís a fully functioning grown man who seems to be throwing a fit because he canít get his way.

Taking him in wonít help him but will only further enable him. Do him a favor and say no.

So wait, mom is moving with her daughter with all her house money and you get the unemployed son? What did your husband ever do to piss her off?
I believe she is giving a cut of the money she makes from the house sale to her 4 children. I really don't understand it because she claims her son has no money and nowhere to go, yet she is giving him quite a large chunk of change, so she is full of crap. He can very easily use that money to pay for rent for a number of years. I believe she just doesn't want to put the work into finding her son a place to live, knowing he won't do it for himself. Hubby and I are just a convenient resource for her to throw her son onto us.

My husband is the only one out of all of MIL's children that is constantly helping her out without giving her lip about it. Blows my mind that she is relying on him to care for her other pain in the ass son.
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Old 13th February 2019, 1:28 PM   #23
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It's the path of least resistance, sadly
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Old 13th February 2019, 1:29 PM   #24
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I'm sure, if the OP wanted, she could have the mother-in-law instead

Mr. Lucky
LOL, no way in hell could I deal with her either. Oh, but she has hinted at it in the past, prior to settling her plans with living with her daughter. I laughed when she hinted at it. I really am not even planning on telling her our new address until she is already settled into her daughter's place. I showed her pics of our new place and she was more than excited that it had 4-bedrooms. I knew exactly what she was thinking, so I shut that down REAL fast haha.
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Old 13th February 2019, 1:35 PM   #25
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So, let's say MIL's and BIL's closing day comes and he STILL has nowhere to live (which I think will be the case because MIL is scheming and BIL is not taking things into his own hands), do I stand firm and then allow this guy to be homeless?

I cannot even imagine the backlash I will get from MIL and the rest of my husband's family for saying no if BIL is out on the streets. I will never hear the end of it.

I mean, I have a heart, but on the other hand, this guy has adequate time to get a place for himself or for his mother to help him get a place. Even his own sister refuses to take him in, so I know I am not being irrational here.
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Old 13th February 2019, 1:43 PM   #26
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How will he be homeless? He's getting $$ from the sale right? Why can't get a hotel or long term Airbnb? Hell if it comes down to it, you get him an Airbnb for 1 week so he has a roof over his head.
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Old 13th February 2019, 1:45 PM   #27
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Why donít you send him houses for rent off of Zillow? This way youíd have done your part in helping.

Send him ones near them, not you.
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Old 13th February 2019, 3:32 PM   #28
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How will he be homeless? He's getting $$ from the sale right? Why can't get a hotel or long term Airbnb? Hell if it comes down to it, you get him an Airbnb for 1 week so he has a roof over his head.
I agree with this. The real meaning of being homeless mustíve gotten lost somewhere because I doubt any homeless person has ever received a substantial amount of money and still chose to live under the freeway. Donít let anyone put you on a guilt trip about this. Theyíre taking all the joy out of you getting your new home. The guyís an entitled brat and heís learning the hard facts of life. Heíll either get over it or not. Itís not your responsibility to coddle him when heís perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Everyone in the family is really over-dramatizing the whole thing.
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Old 13th February 2019, 3:35 PM   #29
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No No No

He's had plenty of time to find a place to go so if he is homeless it's his fault. He made the cardboard box now he gotta lay in it. Congrats on your new home.
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Old 13th February 2019, 3:37 PM   #30
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He will not be homeless! Do you really think someone with a total lack of initiative has the resourcefulness it takes to live on the streets? He's trying to manipulate you all and I would not fall for it. He will secure something on his own even if he hates doing so.
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