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lostandunhappy

My wife started working about a two years ago. She initially wanted to do part time because I also worked and I commuted 90 minutes each way, making it difficult to get kids to/from school if there were scheduling conflicts. After a bit, she decided she really wanted to pursue it as a career. I was fine with it, but each step up required more and more time, making it so that she was working 5 days a week, all hours of the day/night and often 10+ hours a day. It was so much that I had to talk to my boss and get authorization to work from home full time to deal with it. I like that she has found something that she likes and that she is building a career. It is important that she finds her own purpose and builds her own life.

 

 

 

Now that she works so much, she is never around for the kids. I have to manage their friends, setting up playdates, taking them to/from friends houses, watching other kids when they have friends over. I have to get up extra early to get them ready for school, work a full day (usually have to fit in 8 hours of work into 6 hours) and then watch them when they get home. I have to do all the housework, cook dinner, manage the shopping, handle kids' school activities, help them with homework, do all their school conferences, etc - it is a lot of work and I get no rest from it. I rarely can get out of the house on my own (I may leave the house once a week, and usually I have to take the kids with me). When my wife is home, it usually isn't until after 7pm if she starts in the AM, midnight to 2am if she starts in the PM. She is usually tired and just goes to bed, either to watch TV, listen to a book or go right to sleep. I have to get the kids to bed by myself.

 

We had already been having intimacy issues, we have sex maybe once every 6 months (and its been going on for around 6 years now). She never initiates, and I've gotten to the point where I rarely even try anymore. She usually just ignores it or becomes angry. We've talked about it and she just says she isn't comfortable with having sex. She doesn't like being touched and she feels that I only cuddle when I want to have sex, which isn't the case. She just always pushes me away and I rarely feel like putting myself out there anymore. She acknowledges that something is wrong with her, but she won't go see anyone about it. She seems uninterested in making any changes.

 

 

 

I rarely see her anymore, so it means a lot when I get to spend time with her without the kids. To do that, I usually have to take time off of work so we can get lunch before she goes to work. We usually can only do this once or twice a month now. She recently started at the gym so that takes her away early several days and she just stays out until she goes to work. On her days off, she usually makes plans to go out with her friends from work. It wouldn't bother me that much, but it is pretty much every day off that she does this. And it isn't just the girls, it is mixed company, or sometimes even just one guy. She has never invited me along, not once. On the days where she isn't visiting friends, she goes to spend time with her mom and brother, again, without me and the kids. She frequently just goes out directly after work without even bothering to tell me and comes home 4-5 hours later. Sometimes she works late (which she never lets me know about either), and I don't like being a pest to constantly ask when she's going to be home, but it does get frustrating never knowing what is going on. Its to the point where I just assume now that she won't be around and just go on with my evening without worrying about her having dinner. The kids are always asking when she'll be home, all I can ever tell them is that I don't know. It kills me that they never see her anymore either.

 

 

 

I have one friend that lives nearby and he only has weekends off, as do I, but my wife works weekends and if she doesn't, she makes plans without discussing with me, so I have to always drop everything so she can go out. I have trouble making friends, I have aspergers so it is very difficult to relate to people. Now that I'm stuck at home all the time, I never even get a chance to meet people. I spend all my time at home while watching kids, working or cleaning.

 

I'm not even sure how to talk to her about any of it anymore. She gets defensive immediately if I try to bring up how stressed and tired I am with the current situation. And by defensive, I mean she makes a single statement saying that she understands and if I try to push further she gets angry and shuts down, she won't even discuss it further. I understand her desire to have a life again, I am totally not against that, she needs it, she deserves it, she sacrificed a lot when the kids were a lot younger, for many years. I just feel there needs to be a lot more balance and that we need to start focusing more on each other and I can't seem to get her to even start talking about it.

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So now your role is what many mothers' roles are, so at least this gives you a perspective on what all mothers do while their husbands are working. It's nice you are trying so hard to make it work.

 

I would simply suggest you both invest in some childcare AND bring a housekeeper in once a week to do the deep cleaning. Take some of the burden off both of you. As is, you'll be cooking or cleaning anytime you're home as will she, so at least free up some time to just sit and enjoy family.

 

As you take off some work and stress off both of you, the rest may fall into place and get more back to normal. Call around and see what the options are and if any of the childcare places pick them up from school and keep them until someone gets home or what the deal is. If not, find a good babysitter to do this and watch until a parent is home from work.

 

Don't know if you're in a big town or small, but if it's a big town, you can order groceries to be delivered or bagged and ready for you to pick up and that still takes time online doing that, but saves some steps and keeps you where you don't have to pack the kids up to go to the store as much.

 

For example, Kroger has parking lot pickup. It costs a few bucks. Tom Thumb has delivery and they bring it right into your kitchen. That's my favorite. If you want to specify the hour it's delivered, it's about $9. If you give a two hour time frame, $6. Four-hour time frame, only $3. Plus if you order $150 of groceries at a time, it's free delivery. With a family, that would be easy enough to do if you have storage space.

 

So take advantage of the ways to make your life easier. Now your wife's working, she can contribute to pay for childcare and housecleaning. A good way to consolidate delivered groceries with housecleaning is schedule your housekeeper the same time as the four-hour grocery delivery. You could either be there or not, as long as you let the cleaner know what was going on and to put up the refrigerated goods.

 

I hope I've given you some helpful advice. Sometimes you just can't do it all yourself or between the two of you when you both work.

 

When the kids are old enough, get them used to doing a couple of regular chores to help out as well.

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Turning point

This is not simply a reversal of gender roles. There are a lot of serious red flags here. I grew up in a great household with two working parents who managed to also be a great team and balance all of these responsibilities between them quite evenly and fairly. What is happening here is not healthy for the OP and not sustainable if staying married is the goal.

 

OP, you cannot afford to let your own career decline as a result of the obvious emotional toll that results from taking on ALL of these responsibilities. You will be trapped in a very dangerous circumstance if your wife decides she's done with the marriage.

 

It already appears that she is. If your kids are asking after her whereabouts then there IS A PROBLEM. At the very least she is selfish. I'm not thinking only with respect to your needs. Take a good look at how your kids may be struggling with her persistent absence including her off-hours.

 

What is she doing for work and was she in any way connected to these now coworker/friends BEFORE she started this job?

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As presented, it seems that OP's wife is acting like a single woman - not spending time with her husband or children and filling every moment with other activities or people.

 

It's nice for her to regain her identity apart from wife and mother, but it's definitely NOT nice for her to ignore those roles all together.

 

The fact that she refuses to discuss it is a huge problem.

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You are technically in a sexless marriage and your wife can't stand your touch?

 

Why are you taking this?

 

Both of you work so the household workload should be split.

 

If I were you I'd check the phone bill. Something is way off here.

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So now your role is what many mothers' roles are, so at least this gives you a perspective on what all mothers do while their husbands are working. It's nice you are trying so hard to make it work.

 

I would simply suggest you both invest in some childcare AND bring a housekeeper in once a week to do the deep cleaning. Take some of the burden off both of you. As is, you'll be cooking or cleaning anytime you're home as will she, so at least free up some time to just sit and enjoy family.

 

As you take off some work and stress off both of you, the rest may fall into place and get more back to normal. Call around and see what the options are and if any of the childcare places pick them up from school and keep them until someone gets home or what the deal is. If not, find a good babysitter to do this and watch until a parent is home from work.

 

Don't know if you're in a big town or small, but if it's a big town, you can order groceries to be delivered or bagged and ready for you to pick up and that still takes time online doing that, but saves some steps and keeps you where you don't have to pack the kids up to go to the store as much.

 

For example, Kroger has parking lot pickup. It costs a few bucks. Tom Thumb has delivery and they bring it right into your kitchen. That's my favorite. If you want to specify the hour it's delivered, it's about $9. If you give a two hour time frame, $6. Four-hour time frame, only $3. Plus if you order $150 of groceries at a time, it's free delivery. With a family, that would be easy enough to do if you have storage space.

 

So take advantage of the ways to make your life easier. Now your wife's working, she can contribute to pay for childcare and housecleaning. A good way to consolidate delivered groceries with housecleaning is schedule your housekeeper the same time as the four-hour grocery delivery. You could either be there or not, as long as you let the cleaner know what was going on and to put up the refrigerated goods.

 

I hope I've given you some helpful advice. Sometimes you just can't do it all yourself or between the two of you when you both work.

 

When the kids are old enough, get them used to doing a couple of regular chores to help out as well.

 

Nope, they both work. He isn't a stay at home dad. She's in reality walked away from the marriage.

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No. She just decided she wanted a career too.

 

And abandoned everything else. Did you even read the entire post?

 

It takes two for a marriage and to raise a family.

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She doesn't like being touched and she feels that I only cuddle when I want to have sex, which isn't the case. She just always pushes me away and I rarely feel like putting myself out there anymore. She acknowledges that something is wrong with her, but she won't go see anyone about it. She seems uninterested in making any changes.

 

Red flag !!!!'

 

She recently started at the gym so that takes her away early several days and she just stays out until she goes to work. On her days off, she usually makes plans to go out with her friends from work. It wouldn't bother me that much, but it is pretty much every day off that she does this. And it isn't just the girls, it is mixed company, or sometimes even just one guy. She has never invited me along, not once. On the days where she isn't visiting friends, she goes to spend time with her mom and brother, again, without me and the kids. She frequently just goes out directly after work without even bothering to tell me and comes home 4-5 hours later. Sometimes she works late (which she never lets me know about either)

 

Multiple red flags !!!!!

 

I'm not even sure how to talk to her about any of it anymore. She gets defensive immediately if I try to bring up how stressed and tired I am with the current situation. And by defensive, I mean she makes a single statement saying that she understands and if I try to push further she gets angry and shuts down, she won't even discuss it further. I understand her desire to have a life again, I am totally not against that, she needs it, she deserves it,

 

Sorry man but her actions are not normal. Sounds like she deep in an affair maybe with a coworker or her boss.

 

You've turned yourself into a total doormat.

 

Check yor phone bill.

 

You need to wake up to reality.

 

She deserves this and that. What are you getting?

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As presented, it seems that OP's wife is acting like a single woman - not spending time with her husband or children and filling every moment with other activities or people.

 

It's nice for her to regain her identity apart from wife and mother, but it's definitely NOT nice for her to ignore those roles all together.

 

The fact that she refuses to discuss it is a huge problem.

 

I agree!

 

Since your wife is acting like a single gal who has no husband and no kids (and doesn’t have sex with you) then tell her if she doesn’t start acting married and willing to participate with balance in your marriage - then you plan to divorce her.

 

You need a partner! Stop being so compliant with a crappy partner! She walking all over you and you just keep doing more - stop that!

 

 

If she doesn’t intend to act like a wife and mother - then tell her to sign over her parental rights!

 

You’re being way too weak! She’s not even participating with the family she created! Get mad! And stop doing so much - she can stay home and do half of the responsibilities around the house!

 

... and she’s likely cheating - so look into that too.

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As presented, it seems that OP's wife is acting like a single woman - not spending time with her husband or children and filling every moment with other activities or people.

 

It's nice for her to regain her identity apart from wife and mother, but it's definitely NOT nice for her to ignore those roles all together.

 

The fact that she refuses to discuss it is a huge problem.

 

Yes, there should be some middle ground allowing both career and family fulfillment. If traditional gender roles have been reversed, men are regularly castigated for this disconnect, recognized as damaging to both kids and spouse.

 

lostandunhappy, counseling would help each of you find your voice. Goes without saying, hard to see your sexlife improving under the status quo. Make an appointment today...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Lostandunhappy - If you are thinking of divorcing your wife, then get a good divorce attorney. After reading your post, I believe you would have a good shot at getting custody of the children and child support. While you are thinking about it, you should keep a secret diary listing when she does not come home, the reason she gives, the names of other people who can testify in your support and other corroborating evidence. Make the diary detailed and good luck.

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Nope, they both work. He isn't a stay at home dad. She's in reality walked away from the marriage.

 

 

She is not acting "single" she is acting in exactly the same way many "traditional" married men do.

 

Work is her priority, she socialises with work colleagues and goes down the gym and leaves the child rearing to her spouse...

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She is not acting "single" she is acting in exactly the same way many "traditional" married men do.

 

Work is her priority, she socialises with work colleagues and goes down the gym and leaves the child rearing to her spouse...

 

its not a gender issue. She's become a non entity to the marriage and family.

 

You'd have to be either naive or biased not to see it.

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OP we have some posters here who seem to have one goal, take whatever bad of poor behavior issues from women twist it reword your comments and make it either her right or your fault. Ignore that.

 

Your wifes behavior does mimic those of someone having an affair. But I'm not sold on that being the case. It sounds like a woman who, in her mind gave up something earlier and is now chasing it at the expense of all her other responsibilities.

 

The problem is she simply doesn't care about what your going through as a result.

 

I have a friend who went through the very same things. He divorced and it was 2 years later that his ex wife came back to him admitted her abandonment of the family and wanted to try again. He was not interested, she continued the pattern to the point that thier kids (now college students) ignore her phone calls and refuse to spend any time with her.

 

Point being, selfish people usually stay selfish, are you prepared to raised your children alone and remain faithful to a woman who really offers you nothing? I promise you there are better options.

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Point being, selfish people usually stay selfish.

 

Agreed.

 

There is, getting back into the workplace and starting a workout routine... and then there is, abandoning your obligations and your family. Her priorities are pretty clear, which means you have a big decision to make.

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She is not acting "single" she is acting in exactly the same way many "traditional" married men do.

 

Work is her priority, she socialises with work colleagues and goes down the gym and leaves the child rearing to her spouse...

 

Agree with this. And will also note many female posters don’t hesitate to condem these “traditional” men for their negligence...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mrs._December
I have to manage their friends, setting up playdates, taking them to/from friends houses, watching other kids when they have friends over. I have to get up extra early to get them ready for school, work a full day (usually have to fit in 8 hours of work into 6 hours) and then watch them when they get home. I have to do all the housework, cook dinner, manage the shopping, handle kids' school activities, help them with homework, do all their school conferences, etc - it is a lot of work and I get no rest from it. I rarely can get out of the house on my own (I may leave the house once a week, and usually I have to take the kids with me).

Welcome to the life of the average working woman - single OR married. Not a lot fun, is it?

 

As far as your wife is concerned, she is completely emotionally disengaged from you.

 

I'd start by checking the cell phone bill. I think you're about to find out some unpleasant news.

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Turning point
No. She just decided she wanted a career too.

 

No, she decided to reboot.

New career sans marriage and kids. It's an undisclosed separation so she can keep the house boy.

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Turning point
OP we have some posters here who seem to have one goal, take whatever bad of poor behavior issues from women twist it reword your comments and make it either her right or your fault. Ignore that.

 

Your wifes behavior does mimic those of someone having an affair. But I'm not sold on that being the case. It sounds like a woman who, in her mind gave up something earlier and is now chasing it at the expense of all her other responsibilities.

 

The problem is she simply doesn't care about what your going through as a result.

 

I have a friend who went through the very same things. He divorced and it was 2 years later that his ex wife came back to him admitted her abandonment of the family and wanted to try again. He was not interested, she continued the pattern to the point that thier kids (now college students) ignore her phone calls and refuse to spend any time with her.

 

Point being, selfish people usually stay selfish, are you prepared to raised your children alone and remain faithful to a woman who really offers you nothing? I promise you there are better options.

 

This is the best characterization of what the OP reports experiencing with or without any infidelity.

 

In my own story (very similar to OP) I've never completely ascertained the full extent of all the infidelity because it's not necessary. The core problem is a pervasive selfishness that drains the life out of you if you don't cut them loose. Their courtship of other people and affairs emotional or physical informs the problematic nature of their self, but you don't need to go down the rabbit hole to know the ground beneath you is being hollowed out.

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Turning point
Welcome to the life of the average working woman - single OR married. Not a lot fun, is it?

 

It's also largely self imposed.

 

Trying to live the hype is a choice - that notion a woman can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, make him feel like a man, all the while baking cookies, being the classroom mom, and a heralded community volunteer.

 

En Jolie didn't create this myth - the company merely exploited the competition women engage in with each other. It doesn't work no matter which gender you try to apply it to.

 

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