Sex life or sex drive issue?

[SKOPE]

Hi there, have come across the forum as am looking for some advice on my long term relationship. this starts off long but i feel it needs context.

 

my partner and i have been together for a few years, the sex from my pov has never been great.. it;s been good, but not the best ive ever had. but it's the best relationship ive ever had. he is definitely the life partner for me.

 

ive tried to speak to him about the sex thing, tried to come up with ways to improve it. but it became very clear that he doesnt feel comfortable talking about that side of things. i have got used to not havin that "electricty feeling" running through my body. he has tried, kisses me where i ask him to, etc. but it just doesnt do it for me. it sounds bad i know. but i do love him and i am attracted to him.

 

anyway, ive got used to not coming most of the time. which is extremely frustrting as i used to have a healthy sex life. so yeah i don't initiate it cos i know pretyy much most of the time i wont come. i do try inititate it every now and again to show him im interested but it is mostly him. we do anal too, even though i dont like it i know he does.

 

he tried to have sex with me and we hadnt had sex in ages but i knew i wasnt going to get turned on so i told him that it wasnt going to happen. he then got annoyed at me and said that it wasnt about me coming all the time, it was for him and his pleasure. so i was like, oh ok what about me? he said i only want to have sex the way i want it and only if i come. am i wrong in thinking.. erm yes, i do too want to be satisfied after sex?!

he said i;m not interested in pleasuring him and that im denying him sex. he also then said i dont respect men.

 

this is the most hes ever said about anything like this. but also now he wont talk to me. ive tried to speak to him about it and say we need to resolve this but he doesnt want and now im being ignored.

 

im looking for some outsider advice.. what are your takes on this?

TIA

SKope

[Normm]

he then got annoyed at me and said that it wasnt about me coming all the time, it was for him and his pleasure

 

 

At least he's got his priorities figured out.

[preraph]

Well, he has some deep-seated issues, doesn't he? I'm 66 and I've never heard a guy be that rude about it. I know there are a lot of guys who feel they're entitled to be "served," but at least some of then also try to reciprocate a little.

 

So he just doesn't care enough about you to care if you're happy or not, and in my opinion, he's only married to get regular one-way sex and whatever chores you're doing for him.

 

You'd do better with almost anyone else sexually. He is over the top on this. Sex should be a two-way street, and you should be able to say, Not now, either of you, at times, too. He's treating you like a prostitute, so I'll go out on a limb and say that's what he was mainly used to when he met you.

 

This is so disrespectful that for me, it would only be a matter of time before I lost all feelings for him and had to leave, but that's me.

[Simple Logic]

At this point I don’t know how you repair this. You expect bad sex and have shut down. He has reached the point he no longer sees the point in trying. I doubt you would convince him to go to counciling with you because he cannot discuss the issue, but I would ask him to try it.

[BaileyB]

we do anal too, even though i dont like it i know he does.

 

he said i only want to have sex the way i want it and only if i come.

 

Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? Isn’t that exactly what he expects?

 

I’m sorry, it’s a tough spot to be and you have invested a lot in this relationship. I’m not exactly sure how you reason with someone who is being unreasonable.

 

That said, if this was my relationship... I wouldn’t be having anal sex with a man who had this kind of attitude...

 

Good luck.

[The Dude Abides]

Hello Skope

 

This sounds like a terrible situation. He is extremely selfish and doesn't display any sensitivity to what you need as his partner. I wish I could have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and knock a little sense into him (figure of speech, of course! ).

 

As suggested already, if you can get him to counseling maybe there is a chance he can see the error of his ways and change. If not, I am afraid that you have a hard choice to make. You certainly don't deserve a lifetime of sex from an inattentive and self-centered partner.

[SKOPE]

Thank you so much for your replies. Each one resonated with me and are things I've said to myself. Which makes me feel that I'm not crazy. Im honestly speechless that he would say that to me. And the fact that he called me selfish! I get mixed between angry and upset.

 

I keep thinking he must know that he's wrong here, he must know that what he's said is out of order but nope I'm still being ignored.

 

I know I'm also part of the problem. I don't initiate it. I don't desire it anymore, could it be my libido? I used to be sexually healthy. Have always been on the pill but maybe it's slowly taken away my libido.

[Mrs._December]

And you say this is the BEST relationship you've ever had??????

 

 

Seriously???????

 

I feel sorry for you. This selfish, self absorbed fool isn't worthy of you spitting on him if he were on fire. Why on earth you'd give someone like this anal when you don't even like it is beyond me.

 

Respect yourself more and stop pandering to someone who doesn't even care WHAT your needs are.

 

This guy would have been booted to the curb a long long time ago had it been me. What a selfish assclown.

[Rockett]

I agree with the above. I am glad at least that you are waiting for him to come to you. Maybe he will realize he is wrong, maybe not. Either way, you deserve SO much better. Everyone deserves to have a partner that cares about their pleasure. Without that caring in and outside of the bedroom, I'm not sure what the point of a relationship is.

[Mr. Lucky]

anyway, ive got used to not coming most of the time.

 

What is different in the times you do orgasm?

 

Perhaps a contrarian point of view, but I don’t know how you improve or address a sexual issue by stopping all sexual activity.

 

He’s wrong, you’ve escalated - where to from here?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

Quit taking care of this guy and quit caring about his ego.

 

You withhold your own requests ... and then he comes out with the most ridiculously sexist and self-centered statement.

 

I question your basic premise that this is the right guy for you ... He seems really closed sexually ... and by that I don't mean "conservative" ... I mean he has emotional blocks around sex ... and clearly old-fashioned sexist ideas about sex.

 

If he can't hear you out about sex (let along make an adjustment) for the life of me, I don't see how you can avoid feeling serious resentment over time. If you don't get this sorted out, you are a ticking time-bomb for an affair--whether you think so or not.

 

Why are you acting so scared of this guy? Are you dependent on him financially. Speak up ... this is worth fighting out (nonviolently of course) ... worth some tension and temporary discomfort ... absolutely! Because without fighting things out (you standing up for yourself) ... you're going to be miserable. But again, I can't help but think this guy has been a bad fit for you since the get-go. No way is this latest outburst the first time he's been a jerk to you ... No way.