Coping in a Sexless Marriage

[Soxfaninfl]

Hi Everyone,

 

I’m looking for advice on how to cope in a sexless marriage from others in the same situation. It’s been a year and half since I’ve had sex with my wife. This has been the longest drought. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary in January. The sex was decent up until the first 6 months of marriage. After that it’s only been once a year.

 

My wife went on anti depressants after 6 months of marriage due to stress from work and then resigning. Her consulting business also failed due to a back injury. We also ended up filling for bankruptcy a year later because of her unemployment and her savings ran out.. My ex-wife also caused a lot of stress in our marriage. My wife also was diagnosed with Lupis and RA in December of 2018, so this situation isn’t going to get better. I do love my wife very much, and it will be very difficult to leave her one day.

 

I will not cheat. That is not an option. I would leave first before I did such a thing. I don’t want to put my son through another divorce. I’m going to try and hang in there until my son leaves for college in 2 1/2 years. My ex-wife left me after 10 years of marriage. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,

 

Soxfaninfl

Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[somanymistakes]

I assume you know that anti-depressants can kill sex drive.

 

How does she feel about the situation? Does she wish she had more sex drive, or is she relieved that it's gone? If she WANTS to be more sexual with you, there are a number of things she can do. She can try different medications and see if any of them work better, and there are things she can do to be involved with you in the bedroom without having to do penetration if that is no longer comfortable/appealing for her. Is she still able to be affectionate with you at all?

 

If you just want to stick it out and survive temporarily, well, I'd suggest porn, that's pretty much what it's for.

[healing light]

I think she needs to have a conversation with the doctor to switch anti-depressants and see if any are compatible with her body without dwindling her libido into nothing. Do you guys still have any form of physical affection? I think keeping the intimacy even if there's no penetration is super important.

 

Additionally, it would be advisable for her to look into her options to treat autoimmune disease. Specifically, see if she would be open to the AIP diet (autoimmune protocol diet). It would take a lot of work at first, but it's important not to rely solely on medication in managing her disease. Lifestyle also becomes part of the picture with chronic illness.

 

Does she know how important the lack of intimacy is for you? Have you communicated with her how it's affecting you?

[elaine567]

I’m going to try and hang in there until my son leaves for college in 2 1/2 years.

 

Does your wife realise you are going to desert her in 2 and 1/2 years?

Lupus and RA are serious medical conditions, if you are not going to be there to support her long term then she needs a heads up asap so she can find support elsewhere ie a new man or a move closer to family and/or friends.

[Simple Logic]

<snip> We also ended up filling for bankruptcy a year later because of her unemployment and her savings ran out.. <snip>

 

This is an interesting statement.

Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[BaileyB]

Does your wife realise you are going to desert her in 2 and 1/2 years?

Lupus and RA are serious medical conditions, if you are not going to be there to support her long term then she needs a heads up asap so she can find support elsewhere ie a new man or a move closer to family and/or friends.

 

Agreed. There has clearly been a lot of stress. The depression and antidepressants are one issue. The Lupus and RA is another thing entirely. It’s not hard to understand why your wife doesn’t want to have sex... I just hope, if you are planning to leave because her health issues have caused her not to want sex with you, that she knows this so she can plan accordingly...

[Turning point]

Does your wife realise you are going to desert her in 2 and 1/2 years?

Lupus and RA are serious medical conditions, if you are not going to be there to support her long term then she needs a heads up asap so she can find support elsewhere ie a new man or a move closer to family and/or friends.

 

I agree. OP you've presented this as a simple choice between loving her and loving sex.

She's not an appliance, and your concerns border on that of a grifter.

Edited February 7, 2019 by Turning point

[Guildford]

Soxfaninfl - I find it curious that you would not have extramarital sex, but you would consider divorcing your wife. Your wife is going to need long-term care and support and it will likely get worse as the years go by. Have you discussed your need for sex with your wife? If given the choice, would she prefer to keep you as husband and caregiver, and overlook any outside sexual activity? You two are a couple, and decisions like this should not be made unilaterally.

[Normm]

This is an interesting statement.

 

 

Yes, clearly she was the breadwinner. He was the stay at home.. something.

[Soxfaninfl]

I assume you know that anti-depressants can kill sex drive.

 

How does she feel about the situation? Does she wish she had more sex drive, or is she relieved that it's gone? If she WANTS to be more sexual with you, there are a number of things she can do. She can try different medications and see if any of them work better, and there are things she can do to be involved with you in the bedroom without having to do penetration if that is no longer comfortable/appealing for her. Is she still able to be affectionate with you at all?

 

If you just want to stick it out and survive temporarily, well, I'd suggest porn, that's pretty much what it's for.

 

Yes, I know what antidepressant do to a sex drive. She feels like a terrible wife because we are not having sex. No, she wishes she had a sex drive. She tried to go off them, but for her emotional state she had to go back on them. Yes, she tried other medications. The one that works she had to go back on it which kills her sex drive. Her doctor upped her medications due to her recent medical isseues. Yes, she is affectionate. We kiss and hug, but that’s it.

 

I have suggested other things like a hand job, tittie sex instead of intercourse but she refused any other acts. She feel terrible about our sex life but won’t do anything about it.

 

Porn is what I rely on. I’m fed up with porn! I want the real thing. I’m just so frustrated!

[Soxfaninfl]

Does your wife realise you are going to desert her in 2 and 1/2 years?

Lupus and RA are serious medical conditions, if you are not going to be there to support her long term then she needs a heads up asap so she can find support elsewhere ie a new man or a move closer to family and/or friends.

 

Of course not! Do you think I want leave the person I love most in this life??? It’s hell not being able to make love to the person you love every day for almost two years. Clearly you’ve never been in a sexless marriage, so you can’t understand what I’m going through or others that have been in my situation.

[Soxfaninfl]

I agree. OP you've presented this as a simple choice between loving her and loving sex.

She's not an appliance, and your concerns border on that of a grifter.

 

You clearly have never been in a sexless marriage. If I loves sex over her I would half left after the first year of marriage. You clearly don’t understand what I’m going through or understand what it’s like to be in my situation.

[Soxfaninfl]

Yes, clearly she was the breadwinner. He was the stay at home.. something.

 

You clearly don’t have all the facts. I work in IT. I’ve always been employed during our time together. When she resigned and her savings ran out, I had to stop paying my creditors and pay her half of the mortgage, her bmw car payment, her auto insurance, her half of the utilities, and the rest of our living expenses. I also have a son that I have to support and also had to pay for lawyer to make sure my ex-wife would be a decent parent when she had custody of my son. Lawyers aren’t cheap. So clearly you don’t have all the facts.

[Soxfaninfl]

I think she needs to have a conversation with the doctor to switch anti-depressants and see if any are compatible with her body without dwindling her libido into nothing. Do you guys still have any form of physical affection? I think keeping the intimacy even if there's no penetration is super important.

 

Additionally, it would be advisable for her to look into her options to treat autoimmune disease. Specifically, see if she would be open to the AIP diet (autoimmune protocol diet). It would take a lot of work at first, but it's important not to rely solely on medication in managing her disease. Lifestyle also becomes part of the picture with chronic illness.

 

Does she know how important the lack of intimacy is for you? Have you communicated with her how it's affecting you?

 

We’ve already tried switching her meds. We do huge and kiss, but it’s terrible not being able to make love to the person you love most in this world.

 

I’ve had told her in the past how important intimacy was, but we don’t talk about anymore. Not for a long time. Why make her feel bad. I just suffer in silence. She asks me from time to time what’s bothering, and I lie and say it’s stress from work.

 

We are trying to find the right medications to give her a better quality of life. It took 9 months for the doctors to come to the conclusion that she had Lupus and RA. They still have to diagnosed her with those diseases because her lupus test comes back negative. They just know it’s an autoimmune disorder.

[Soxfaninfl]

Soxfaninfl - I find it curious that you would not have extramarital sex, but you would consider divorcing your wife. Your wife is going to need long-term care and support and it will likely get worse as the years go by. Have you discussed your need for sex with your wife? If given the choice, would she prefer to keep you as husband and caregiver, and overlook any outside sexual activity? You two are a couple, and decisions like this should not be made unilaterally.

 

Initially I would not do this. I felt it was wrong, but I’m at the point now that I would. I am so desperate to have sex with a women. She asked me a few years ago, if I wanted to sleep with other women I said no. I didn’t want that. I wanted to make love to the women I love. She then said to me she could probably not deal with knowing that I was having sex with other people, and it would probably end the marriage.

 

I have told her in the past that intimacy was important to me. I don’t want to leave my wife. I love her, but struggle will the real possibility of never having a sex life foe the rest of my life. I’m only 43 not 73. My wife is 48 years old. I don’t want to leave her especially now with her health issues. I just don’t know what to do?

[Peacemaker1]

I just saw this thread and it seem to have turned a wrong direction because the people here did not know all the facts and honestly I would probably have said what they said. I was about to leave it at that but your last post caught my attention. You seem to be going back to square one. May I offer two options to consider given that you have stated that you love her more than anything but you need sex badly.

 

The first one is to be proactive in trying to defeat her illnesses. Find out how to survive and beat these illnesses, how many people survive. Look for a support group not only online but also locally with face to face interaction where people might be able to help you concretely. I would consider trying local churches for help. I have several relatives in FL who volunteer their time and professional know how (a surgeon, an internal medicine doctor, two psychologists) to their church and walk-in strangers, helping people who are at the end of their wits.

 

The other suggestion is something that might be a little bit unpalatable. Consider thinking about lowering your libido. I have a friend who did that and he was able to focus his energy into other things instead of always feeling deprived and on edge. It might be worth the sacrifice if you really love your wife because having sex with another woman is a life changing event.

 

 

It might not seems so at the start but you will be drawn away from your wife, she will be isolated, and you will be back to square one but this time with a different problem and as you said, “I don’t want to put my son through another divorce.” With this in mind, read again your original post and see if this somehow helps in some way.

Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[Soxfaninfl]

Thank you for the advice Paeacmaker1.

Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

We are trying to find the right medications to give her a better quality of life. It took 9 months for the doctors to come to the conclusion that she had Lupus and RA. They still have to diagnosed her with those diseases because her lupus test comes back negative. They just know it’s an autoimmune disorder.

 

So, she is in the worst of it right now. Several of my friends have been diagnosed with lupus and a few others have RA. Autoimmune disease can be difficult to diagnose because the symptoms tends to be rather vague and non-specific. Lupus is particularly debilitating, and the period of time while you are trying to get a diagnosis and find the right medication is the worst.

 

That said, there is every reason to think that with the proper diagnosis and medication, her quality of life will improve. My best friend has lupus, it destroyed her kidneys such that she required a kidney transplant. Since her diagnosis and transplant, she has been well managed and lived a productive life - she has a professional job, she had a child, she has a happy marriage, and she has travelled and lived her life!

 

It may be a little more complicated for your wife, who may potentially have two chronic illnesses and is struggling with depression. But, there is no reason not to think that things will not improve with treatment. There is no reason not to think that there will be good days, not only bad days.

 

That said, and you may not like this, your wife has clearly decided that sex is not in her plans now or in the near future. While the difficulties your wife is experience with her health right now are very challenging and it is entirely understandable why she is not interested in sex right now, your wife has obviously decided to close up shop entirely. Truth be told, she closed up shop a long time ago... and she has not given any indication that she is willing to reconsider that decision anytime soon if she is not even willing to talk about it anymore or explore other options that will provide some satisfaction to you.

 

While I have great sympathy for the struggles she is currently experiencing with her health, I can’t imagine losing my marriage because I was unwilling to offer the occasional handjob or anything more... Yet, read these boards and you will learn that this is not entirely uncommon. Some women, of a certain age and menopause is a factor, decide that they have no interest in sex anymore. There are many men on this board with the same complaint. As hard as it is, you need to be honest with your wife about how you are feeling. Maybe not now, but when she gets treatment and she starts to feel a little better... She deserves to know how you are feeling so that she can make her decisions accordingly. And then, if she decides that sex is truly not going to happen... you will need to make your own decisions accordingly.

Edited February 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[NotADayGoesBy]

What Baileyb said. I know it’s hard, because she might get upset, but you have to be honest with her. Because you haven’t come clean with how important this is to you, it’s easier for her to tell herself that you’re ok with it. It will only get worse as time goes on if things don’t change, so better to face it now as a couple. You need to be understanding of her illness (sounds like you have been) but she also needs to understand your needs and meet you halfway. To me it’s very unreasonable and unrealistic of her to expect no physical expression of love between the two of you whatsoever.

[Mr. Lucky]

The other suggestion is something that might be a little bit unpalatable. Consider thinking about lowering your libido. I have a friend who did that and he was able to focus his energy into other things instead of always feeling deprived and on edge.

 

How exactly does this work? Sounds a little like trying not to think of food when you’re hungry, an unproven approach. I could focus my energy on a million different things, wouldn’t stop me from thinking about sex....

 

Mr. Lucky

[vinnyfl]

I was on antidepressants for a few decades and they destroyed my libido and ability to even orgasm. Our solution was for my wife to take a female lover. It was not planned that way but we discovered that my wife’s BFF, a long time friend of mine too, is bisexual so my wife gave it a try and liked it. So she had a lover to satisfy her sexual needs.

 

When I went off the ADs and my wife developed several vaginal, cervix and ovary problems that destroyed her ability to have sex and just about killed her libido, our girlfriend took care of me. It was a safe way to make sure each other was not denied sex. Otherwise the chance of cheating would be great. As much as I love my wife, without sex I know I would have had to cheat very discretely. She would have done the same. We are realist.

 

So our deal was to put each other and our marriage before all else. Even if it meant monogamy took a back seat. It worked great of us, even our girlfriend who was off a bad marriage to an alcoholic. We supported her and gave her the love that her parents and ex husband never gave her. She also loved us and was able to take care of our sexual needs as they changed over time.

 

Not suggesting you go this route. However we live among 150,000 retired people. Many have disabled spouses and many just have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy as long as their spouse is discrete and does not end up in a loving affair. It works out well for many couples with disabled or otherwise medically unable to have sex spouses. It is an option that we see many here taking.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you two considered marital counselling?

 

You are both dealing with significant strains and it's deeply affecting your marriage. The guidance of a professional would hopefully at least offer you both some coping mechanisms to employ while you navigate the lack of intimacy.

[giotto]

How exactly does this work?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Taking ant-depressants... I have done this myself. Not on them anymore, but my wife (as you know) has unilaterally decided she doesn't need sex anymore and all other sexual acts are banned... so, not many options for me. I feel for the OP... it's a terrible situation, compounded by the fact that his wife, like mine, refuses to "help"... don't get me wrong: I understand and it's her choice, but, as I said, I feel for the OP... I've been there.

[Overtaxed]

How exactly does this work? Sounds a little like trying not to think of food when you’re hungry, an unproven approach. I could focus my energy on a million different things, wouldn’t stop me from thinking about sex....

 

There are quite a few drugs that will achieve this effect. Things like Lupron have a propensity to totally remove a man's sex drive (they often give this to sex offenders). But that's just one option, there are a lot of drugs out there that work like this (other posters mentioned anti-depressants, which, yes, do often "take the edge off" but are nothing like the drugs that will actually kill your libido).

 

How do I know this? Because I researched it during my marriage to try to do the same thing the OP is talking about. Loved my wife, but spent so much time upset about the lack of sex, that I was going nuts. I did some things to bring my libido down, short of going to "monk" with something like Lupron. It helped. Then my wife, the one who had "no sex drive" had a wildly sexual affair. <sigh>.

 

Let's say, the "should I take Lupron" discussion in my head is over. No f**king way. If she goes back to the old "No sex" stance, I'm leaving (note, "no sex" because I don't feel like it; not "no sex" because I'm sick).

 

I'd tell your wife that you love her, and want to be with her, but this is unacceptable and you need to figure out a solution. Maybe she won't care if you get it elsewhere (professionals)? Maybe she will take it more seriously if you explain that this isn't working for you? And if none of those things are on the table, well, divorce her and move on if it's that important to you (and it would be for me, so I'm not casting judgement). It's sad, but this issue is very common in marriage and you will not be the first or last guy who get's a D because of mismatched sex drives.