I was wrong.....

[nninnaa]

4 weeks into starting fresh for the new year, husband stayed sober.

On the 31st day, he pulled the same crap again.

Got into a little argument and husband drank again.

Not just drank, he spent the night at his family’s house.

 

Gave him warning that if he didn’t come home that night, it was over.

We literally just went through this 6 months ago and agreed we would never

solve problems by not going home again.

 

I’m just gutted.

No matter how many times I gave us a chance, over and over and over again

he proved himself a coward.

 

I’m devastated all over again!!!!

 

I can’t take this pain....I don’t know how I will survive this...

so reckless.....self destructive...

 

I’m the biggest idiot for allowing myself to believe he could change....

I just want to crawl into a hole. My life is over.

Edited February 7, 2019 by Willowforever
Spelling

[bathtub-row]

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so hurt over this. But don’t think your life is over or that you can’t live through this. On some level, you saw this coming, I’m sure. When we find ourselves with people who are addicted to certain behaviors, they destroy us along with themselves. But you don’t have to keep letting him destroy you and drag your life down. You don’t have to live like this.

 

I know it doesn’t seem like it now but you can get past this pain. You’ve got to stop letting him and his idiotic behavior control you. Love shouldn’t hurt like this. You’re resistant to accepting the situation but you’re stronger than you think. Do what it takes to get away from this man and find some real happiness. Broken people cannot give you anything other than brokenness.

[nninnaa]

I'm just a puddle of tears and I hate myself.

 

He is packing his things AGAIN and will be gone by the end of the week.

He's always remorseful but he said himself that hes too broken to be fixed and thanks for trying.....so he's just given up. Said I've been an angel and he's just a monster.

 

You're right

 

I saw it coming all along.

I saw the red flags when we were dating but stayed in the relationship because I had so much empathy for him and felt bad for him. I also didn't want to be alone anymore, but always knew deep down this man had too many deep problems for me to deal with.

 

I tried!! I came up short. In the end I just wasn't enough for him to break his destructive ways. I feel rejected almost, that our marriage wasn't deemed worthy for him to stop his old ways...

[bathtub-row]

You’re placing a huge burden on yourself with this fantasy that somehow your love for him and his love for you would change everything, and that somehow YOU failed to fix HIS train wreck. It doesn’t work that way. His issues are very, very deeply ingrained and have absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

I used to be married to a guy with an extremely high IQ and a very low emotional IQ. He drank too much, was verbally abusive and kept me on a roller coaster ride for our entire marriage, which lasted only 4 years - only 2 of which we lived together. It was constant turmoil being with him but I was so deeply entrenched in that way of life, I really couldn’t fathom being without him. That’s what those intense, tumultuous relationships do to us. They steal every independent thought we have because we become so fixated on survival.

 

I’m here to tell you that I’ve been without him since 2004 and I’m thrilled to have my soul back. I rarely think about him, and wonder what on earth I was thinking to ever have considered inviting him into my life. But I’ll tell you this - he taught me a very valuable lesson. I can now spot the “drama kings” from a mile away now and I want nothing to do with them. Damaged? I can’t fix you, nor will I try. Angry? Sorry but there’s no place for that in my life.

 

You’ll get there, trust me. But don’t be surprised when he starts texting or calling you or reaching out in some way, even months later. It may take a few tries before you can finally break completely free but that’s exactly what you need to do at some point in time. This man is no good for you. Good men do not traumatize the people in their lives.

Edited February 7, 2019 by bathtub-row

[Mr. Lucky]

I tried!! I came up short. In the end I just wasn't enough for him to break his destructive ways. I feel rejected almost, that our marriage wasn't deemed worthy for him to stop his old ways...

 

Has nothing to do with you. Alcoholics drink, addicts use drugs, serial cheaters stray in an effort to numb their own feelings and fill a need only they see. Those close by, spouses included, are simply collateral damage.

 

Have you even been to an Al-Anon meeting? You might find it very educational as you'll meet people there on the same treadmill for decades, trying to fix a broken spouse or partner. Unless you want that to be you, time to make some changes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[nninnaa]

Bathtub, thats right I couldn't imagine life without him yet I felt like I was holding on to dear life......always uneasy waiting for the next episode....

Everything you wrote struck a chord it's comforting to see a survivor of this..how long didn't take you to feel normal again?

 

Mr.lucky I have never attended, but seeing as how we are ending our marriage do you reckon it would still be helpful to attend?

 

I hope I can fall in love again one day.,..

 

I think I should need to start posting in divorce forum I have no clue how I will survive living without having him in my life....we were best friends and now I `have to go through life with an emptiness that he filled.empty bed, going home alone waking up alone......how do people survive this??

[bathtub-row]

What I did to get past that relationship would probably be considered highly unorthodox to most people but it worked like a charm for me. First of all, I was emotionally exhausted from the relationship. To the point where I could barely function. So, I told myself that I would only do what I HAD to do in order to get through everything. I stopped socializing when I didn’t feel like it, I went to work, took care of my son, and paid my bills. That’s basically it. I didn’t do anything that would negatively impact my life - like quitting my job, etc. I made sure I kept my life stable and took care of myself emotionally. If you do radical things that cause more upheaval, you’ll only worsen your situation and make it harder to recover. So, don’t turn your life upside down in a negative sense.

 

The next thing I did was what I call re-wiring my brain. I’ve read things by Dr Joe Dispenza and was fascinated with how we can reprogram our minds by creating new neural pathways and, equally important, breaking the connection of old ones. So, whenever I found myself thinking about my ex, I immediately made myself turn off the thought and think of something else. I did that for about six months and it was transforming for me. I decided on topics before that came up so that I could switch my thoughts really quickly.

 

I hope this helps.

[nninnaa]

I've been contemplating quitting my job because I feel what you said I can barely function....it's taking every ounce strength to keep going in because i cant afford to not get paid. I dread anyone at work finding out or having to open up to people about what's happening.....can I just pretend ?

 

I have a lot of support from family and friends however they don't understand that I just want to be alone right now and wallow. I'm kind of anti social to start with and I don't want to feel pressure like "go out and meet people! God get a drink! Take this class!"

I appreciate the thoughts but I need my time to mourn...

 

I absolutely need to read books on that topic....

 

"So, whenever I found myself thinking about my ex, I immediately made myself turn off the thought and think of something else. I did that for about six months and it was transforming for me. I decided on topics before that came up so that I could switch my thoughts really quickly. "

 

Ok would like to try this it sounds very promising if I can manage to train my brain...

Thank you

[bathtub-row]

Don’t let people pressure you. Tell your family and friends that you need time to yourself. If they don’t understand, then ignore them - don’t take their calls, don’t answer the door, etc. As far as work is concerned, you don’t HAVE to tell people anything, nor do you need to explain if they find out some other way. If they ask, keep your answer brief and they’ll get the message that you’re not interested in talking about it. Learn to develop tight boundaries around yourself and understand that you’re a free agent who can make your own choices and it doesn’t matter who approves or not. You simply have to stop thinking about what others think, and stop thinking about what that numbskull ex of your is doing or not doing, or whether he ever loved you, or loves you. That’s all stuff that’s breaking down your spirit.

 

Understand that when I did what I did, I was completely sick to death of that relationship and I was fully done with it. When you reach that point, you’ll know it. That’s not to say I never thought of him or let my mind wander, and not to say that I didn’t talk about the situation with a friend. But he did not consume my day, I didn’t allow thoughts of him to drag me down. Does that make sense?

 

As far as your job is concerned, stay with it and do your best there. Do not screw up your life and don’t screw up your livelihood. Guys like your ex are bent on making you screw things up so that you’re more and more dependent on them. They have a very twisted set of values.

 

You might get a lot of understanding out of the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It really opened my eyes as to the person I was dealing with.

[BaileyB]

I tried!! I came up short. In the end I just wasn't enough for him to break his destructive ways.

 

His failings are not your responsibility.

[nninnaa]

The thing with us is, I WASNT ready for it to be over, and also

My husband is a good guy for the most part. He has slip ups and is a handful but he’s not some jerk or a hole that I feel glad to be rid of. He really appreciated everything I did for him....even though his action proved otherwise in the end...

 

I really care about him and wish he does find peace for himself.

Makes it harder this way to be able to go on.

 

That being said, i can find a tiny bit of relief in that I don’t have to worry anymore when his next slip up will be. I don’t have to worry every time there is alcohol around him....at least I can be free of that.

[BaileyB]

I believe that he is a good guy and that you had a good relationship.

 

I also believe that he has an addiction that makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship. Beaides staying in this unhealthy dynamic, your only other option is to leave.

 

Again, if you haven’t been to an Al-Anon meeting yet, you should really consider it. You still need to make peace with his addiction and how it has affected you personally, and you your relationship.

[cbgrace1980]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would be just as sad as you are. It's unfortunate that his family lets him stay at home also. Please hang in there! You will get through this!!!!!

[bathtub-row]

I think he ended it with you because he doesn't want to stop drinking and he doesn't want to have to answer to you or anyone else about it. His alcoholism is what destroyed your relationship but his alcoholism is an integral part of him. It seems he loves his addiction above all else.

[Mrs._December]

The thing with us is, I WASNT ready for it to be over, and also

My husband is a good guy for the most part. He has slip ups and is a handful but he’s not some jerk or a hole that I feel glad to be rid of. He really appreciated everything I did for him....even though his action proved otherwise in the end...

OMG stop making excuses for his **** behavior. He's a drunk sothere's no need to sugar coat it.

 

You sound extremely co-dependent and might benefit from reading books about co-dependency.

 

Don't quit your job. Haven't you lost ENOUGH in your life already because you want to continue clinging to this guy like grim death? That's gotten you NOWHERE. And if you quit your job because you can't get your ***** together, then that's just going to make you financially dependent on someone - and let me guess where you'll go running to.

 

I'm being a hard-ass for a reason. It's because I can almost predict every move you'll make because it's so cliche.

 

Rise above it and respect yourself enough to start demanding better in your life. You've lowered your expectations so low at this point that you don't even know what normal IS anymore.

Edited February 8, 2019 by Mrs._December

[The Dude Abides]

WF,

 

One of my grandfathers was an alcoholic and his behavior DESTROYED the lives of my grandmother, my mother and my aunt. My grandmother thought it was her duty to stay with him. That was a long time ago and times have changed quite a bit. Societal mores are so much different now and there isn't any good reason for you to stick around and suffer through this and also so profoundly ruin your life.

 

If you really Love this man then maybe, just maybe, the best course of action is to stick with him while he gets his act together by availing himself of all available forms of treatment. But by "stick with him" I mean remain married but living separately and with little to no contact for at least as long as it takes for him to improve his behavior to the point whereby he doesn't drag you down with him.

 

You can resolve to live separately, remain committed to each other in a marital way (no dating or other outside relations), and wait some reasonable period of time for him to improve to a level that allows the two of you to be together again.

 

I propose this course of action so that you don't have your life ruined by him but in the chance he can get to the point of sustained sobriety then you will both be ready for each other once again.

 

If you think you won't be able to live this way then you should then consider what you need to do to protect yourself. That might mean divorce and moving on with your life. You really cannot allow him to take you down with him as he self destructs. That is not what marriage is about.

 

Best wishes for both of you.

[bathtub-row]

The thing with us is, I WASNT ready for it to be over, and also

My husband is a good guy for the most part. He has slip ups and is a handful but he’s not some jerk or a hole that I feel glad to be rid of. He really appreciated everything I did for him....even though his action proved otherwise in the end...

 

I really care about him and wish he does find peace for himself.

Makes it harder this way to be able to go on.

 

That being said, i can find a tiny bit of relief in that I don’t have to worry anymore when his next slip up will be. I don’t have to worry every time there is alcohol around him....at least I can be free of that.

 

The truth is, if you didn’t want to lose him over this, you shouldn’t have given him an ultimatum. Do not ever give ultimatums if you’re not prepared to deal with the consequences. An ultimatum is about forcing he other person’s hand and, when we do that, we’re saying that we’re willing to let the chips fall where they may, and to hell with it all. That’s what you did, and this is the end result.

[nninnaa]

I hadn't realized how low my expectations had become.

I actually wasn't dependent on him it was the other way around.

He's putting himself through school and i was supporting us.

 

I realized a while back that sometimes I felt like he was dead weight and we weren't equals.

Not only was all the financial responsibility on me, I also felt like I had to nurture him like a child since his parents never gave him that. I felt like a parent to him at times and not like he was my lover.

 

I've inherited this gene from my mother, the feel bad for everyone and suffer through it idea....not that I was suffering with him per se, but as he's been telling me "you deserve so much more"

 

I'm scared that I will end up alone....but I'm also scared that he will ruin our family because of his impulsive self destructive

 

He has been texting me very nice things, but I won't go back...

As Dude Abides said, we don't have to get divorced right away....

Maybe things can turn around by some miracle....

 

My mom has stayed in an unhappy marriage with my dad whose alcoholism has ruined her life and bleeding into mine....

 

I have to be aware of these signs and be strong....

I can't repeat the cycle...

 

I worry about my husband and hope he gets the help he needs...

But I can't carry his burden on me anymore....

 

Re the ultimatum, I was ready to issue it, and I don't regret doing it

 

Even still, losing someone I love is really hard....what do you do with all the memories you created?

[nninnaa]

Every time I am just about to get enough courage or strength to tell myself to move on, he texts me things that pull at my heartstrings.....

 

I don't want to go back to this...I want to have a stable husband...I don't want to let pity get the best of me only to find myself here again in months time...

 

I suspected before, but am almost certain now he has some mental illness....bipolar and ptsd....is this something I can even handle if I stayed?

 

Also worth mentioning, I've found myself desiring other men in the last year or so....

 

Is that a red flag?

 

Is it wrong to stay with someone because you feel bad for them?

[The Dude Abides]

WF

 

His texts tugging at your heartstrings are affecting your resolve and judgement. That is why I advised “little or no contact” in an earlier post. One thing nearly every alcoholic I have known has been is a master manipulator. I dont know if that is a typical behavior or characteristic of alcoholics, but it has been a solid observation I have made over the years as an adult. For this reason alone, little or no contact is vital so that you don’t allow your emotions to get manipulated by your husband. And he needs to focus his attention 100% on his therapy and the hard work needed to break his addiction.

 

As for possible mental illness, I would counsel that you wait until those conditions are diagnosed rather than speculating what he might be suffering from and what if anything you might be able to do for him or be able to handle.

 

As for desiring other men recently, that probably is understandable given what you have been going through but the key thing is whether or not you act on those thoughts. That’s why I said separate, stay married, but stay true to your husband. If he improves such that you can happily be together again, the last thing you both need is to also wrestle with the jealousies that will inevitable arise from one or both of you have been sampling the forbidden fruit.

 

You asked about whether it is wrong to stay with him because you feel badly for them.....stay with him now (separated but NC) while he is working on treatment, IF and ONLY IF you love him and want to be married to him. Not because you feel badly for him or pity him or any other emotion other than love and devotion as his wife.

Edited February 10, 2019 by The Dude Abides

[bathtub-row]

I’m in the camp that people rarely, if ever, change. He may quit drinking for 5 years and then some life event happens that triggers him and you’re back to square one. This is why I won’t date former alcoholics or drug addicts. One of my exes was pretty screwed up and drank a lot. I remember thinking that even with 10 solid years of therapy, he would only be marginally fixed. Once I realized the severity of his mental and emotional issues, I knew I had to get away.

 

As far as weather it’s wrong or not to stay with someone because you feel bad for them, I don’t think it’s a matter of right or wrong, but more about whether it’s healthy. His texts would have little effect on me after he spent a night away, blatantly doing as he pleased. Do you see the dichotomy of his actions? He stubbornly does as he pleases, gets into severe arguments with you, states he’s no good (pity party, and designed to make you think he’s leaving for your sake), leaves, and then tries to drag you back in once the dust has settled. He’s losing his money source and knows how to play that instrument.

 

No one said that you need to file for divorce right away but if you stay away from him for about 4-6 mos, it’s doubtful you’ll want him back. He a perpetually dependent and rebellious child and, as long as you let him play these games with you, he’ll continue to do so. Once you spend time away from him, you’ll realize how very nice it is to be able to breath the air again.

Edited February 10, 2019 by bathtub-row

[nninnaa]

You guys are right.

Thank you, your input has been very helpful.

 

He is a perpetual rebellious child.

 

It has been 1 week since we have been apart, and today I feel stronger that I will be ok without him.

 

In almost 5 years time together, nothing was able to be resolved.

No more!

 

I won’t make excuses for him anymore...we all have our sht to deal with, and it is not ok for him to put his wife through this.

 

I’m slowly getting my power back, how about that...

 

I will try to go no contact and let him figure it out.

[DKT3]

Bathtub is correct, most people dont change it's very difficult to move from your core beliefs and being. What people do is adjust thier behavior to be more acceptable, but eventually the backslide.

 

I dont think you were wrong, nor do you have nothing to be ashamed of. Once the smoke clears, you will feel better for having given him your all. Him refusing to or being unable to meet you in the middle is his fault and his loss.

[bathtub-row]

You guys are right.

Thank you, your input has been very helpful.

 

He is a perpetual rebellious child.

 

It has been 1 week since we have been apart, and today I feel stronger that I will be ok without him.

 

In almost 5 years time together, nothing was able to be resolved.

No more!

 

I won’t make excuses for him anymore...we all have our sht to deal with, and it is not ok for him to put his wife through this.

 

I’m slowly getting my power back, how about that...

 

I will try to go no contact and let him figure it out.

 

It's so hard to deal with this kind of thing, and hard to remember the behavior and what drives the relationship in the ground. I wish you the best. Keep us posted.