Marriage on the rocks, want to save it

[noonynicky]

Hello LShack,

 

 

In need of some advice. My marriage, 2.5 year mark, is in turmoil. Almost all my fault. Few weeks ago, wife came to me and said she wants out.

 

 

Main reasons: I'm not man enough, my finances not in order, differences in expectation.

 

 

Since there, I've read A LOT and I've on a track on tremendous maturity and seriously realized that I was doing it all wrong for the last 2.5 years.

 

 

Wasn't man enough: I've always been a yes man. Wrong wrong wrong. I didn't have my own opinions. Always did what my wife said. I didn't make her feel feminine.

 

 

Finances: I didn't plan for our future. I'm a highly capable individual (Ivy league, high finance) It's just that I was too micro, i.e., go office for 14h, do work, get money, leave. I didn't lay out a path for my wife and I.

 

 

Differences in expectations: She's practical, likes to talk about real stuff. I'm totally different. I talk about dreams and ideas but not necessarily realizable.

 

 

Now, it's been three weeks and I've actively taken measures to be the best man in her life. Yes, there's a change. More manly, setting a plan for our lives, being more aware of things in everyday life.

 

She set a timeline of 2 months from now to see this change and then she'll decide whether she wants to stay or not. I would like to share more about what exactly I planned to do. Before that, any opinions?

 

 

Nicky

Edited February 7, 2019 by noonynicky

[bathtub-row]

The differences between the two of you shouldn't be a reason to end your marriage. They could actually compliment one another. Few couples are ever on the same page in terms of the things you talk about. A lot of it has to do with expectations. Yes, I agree that you should learn to be a man with a plan. Women need a man to be on board with having direction. But dreams and all that are great, too, and I hope you don't turn that part of your brain off.

 

I'd strongly recommend that you read some of John Gray's books. They are excellent in terms of explaining the differences between men and women and how to work with those differences. One book that really stands out to me for your situation is the book "Mars and Venus on a Date". If I remember correctly, the book really lays out what a woman is looking for in a man.

 

I think your marriage is very salvageable but your wife needs to get off that very tight timeline. Still, what you can personally do in the here and now is read that book and work with the insights you get from it. I think it'll help you a whole lot. Gray is THE relationship guru!

[noonynicky]

Thanks bathtub. The differences are glaring. She talks about her friend's relationships, current affairs, tax rules, prices differences. I talk about business ideas, definition of happiness, parallels between movies and life, science, poker and art.

 

 

Concerning the timeline, my wife is an impatient person. But I understand her. It's my fault really because she was on the receiving end of this weak non-planner of a guy in the last 2.5 months.

 

 

I got a date this Sat with her and Vday. Say I go dive into the book and work some magic?

[Normm]

She knew what you were all about when she met you, decided to get involved with you, and committed to spending the rest of her life with you. Now, 2.5 years in she's suddenly not happy with the man you are, even though you're responsible, earn good money, and treat her well.

 

One of her biggest complaints is that you aren't man enough. Rather than bending over backwards and trying to change who you are just to please her, be the man that she says you aren't, and tell her if she doesn't like the man she married, there's the door. She might even respect you for it.

[noonynicky]

She knew what you were all about when she met you, decided to get involved with you, and committed to spending the rest of her life with you. Now, 2.5 years in she's suddenly not happy with the man you are, even though you're responsible, earn good money, and treat her well.

One of her biggest complaints is that you aren't man enough. Rather than bending over backwards and trying to change who you are just to please her, be the man that she says you aren't, and tell her if she doesn't like the man she married, there's the door. She might even respect you for it.

 

 

I was thinking about this long and hard. So, prior to ultimatum, take it that I was this easy going, beta, like to please her guy.

 

 

The funny thing that I ask myself is whether or not 1) I WANT to be this manly figure and 2) I would have come to this decision somewhere down the line.

 

 

Yes, it took her ultimatum to shake me up. And I admit that this was coming in the recent months, I'm just NOT that manly figure she expected me to be.

 

 

Now I could walk out the door and accept the 2.5 years me as me. The issue I'm rather confused myself is would I eventually BE this manly figure down the line.

 

 

So how I feel now. The last few weeks, I have been stepping up, in small ways. It's a change but somewhere deep down in me, I feel it's the right change, for her, for any girl I could end up with and for me. Unless I'm lying to myself.

[noonynicky]

I think your marriage is very salvageable but your wife needs to get off that very tight timeline. Still, what you can personally do in the here and now is read that book and work with the insights you get from it. I think it'll help you a whole lot. Gray is THE relationship guru!

 

 

Wanted to ask.

 

 

Right now:

GOOD:

- 1 in 3 nights, we do cuddle / kiss for movies

- We have date nights planned

BAD:

- Now, we rarely talk about our days like we did before

- Rides together in the car is very slient

BOTTOM LINE:

- She cares for me but she doesn't know if she loves me

 

 

Gauge on where she stands?

[Marc878]

If this doesn't work out your world won't end.

 

Now

 

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

 

It's short and may help you if you apply it.

 

Check your phone bill. Now.

[bathtub-row]

Wanted to ask.

 

 

Right now:

GOOD:

- 1 in 3 nights, we do cuddle / kiss for movies

- We have date nights planned

BAD:

- Now, we rarely talk about our days like we did before

- Rides together in the car is very slient

BOTTOM LINE:

- She cares for me but she doesn't know if she loves me

 

 

Gauge on where she stands?

 

She’s had enough and is ready to bolt — but she doesn’t really want to. Read the book. Valentine’s Day is a perfect way to put things in motion. If you can, get the ebook version so that you can read it immediatelly.

[bathtub-row]

I get what the other poster is saying but if you step up to the plate and become more in control, not only will your wife feel better but so will you.

 

I once dated a guy who was very wimpy when it came to making decisions. Even about restaurants. He always made me decide. It seems like a small thing but after awhile, I began to feel weighed down by the burden of making every decision. I just wanted him to take the lead because I was becoming exhausted. Most women do not function well with a man who’s not in control. That doesn’t mean to be controlling. Being in control is a very different thing.

[SunnyWeather]

She set a timeline of 2 months from now to see this change and then she'll decide whether she wants to stay or not.

Nicky

 

really? who does that? this is an impossible hoop she is demanding you jump through, with her being the total decider with what happens to your marriage. that doesn't sound like a very co creative endeavor. It takes two to make a marriage work, what is she going to do to make things better? it sounds like she is already checked out and blaming you for everything

[noonynicky]

I need to sidetrack but I'm learning on the fly. She just sent me a text.

From her:

 

Hope you're not too tried and sorry I didn't spend too much time with you these few days (Mon to Thu)

 

 

She's not my mother and I'm the man.

 

 

Before, I'll write:

I'm fine and it's okay. We'll spend time during the weekends.

 

 

Now, I'm taking more of the lead and being the man. Recommend I revise to this:

Hey babe. You don't need to be sorry. I'm more than happy working and getting my act together (truth) while you're away. You're a person who has other friends and we're together, for now, even if not physically together. As long as you come back to home to me, I'm good.

 

 

Stupid, silly, good?

[noonynicky]

really? who does that? this is an impossible hoop she is demanding you jump through, with her being the total decider with what happens to your marriage. that doesn't sound like a very co creative endeavor. It takes two to make a marriage work, what is she going to do to make things better? it sounds like she is already checked out and blaming you for everything

 

 

Honestly, I don't blame her. I didn't expound on this before. This situation has been coming. She's been telling me to step up / take the lead / plan for our future for like 1 year ago. So it's the truth when I say it's my fault.

 

 

I should have realized this a year ago.

[bathtub-row]

I need to sidetrack but I'm learning on the fly. She just sent me a text.

From her:

 

Hope you're not too tried and sorry I didn't spend too much time with you these few days (Mon to Thu)

 

 

She's not my mother and I'm the man.

 

 

Before, I'll write:

I'm fine and it's okay. We'll spend time during the weekends.

 

 

Now, I'm taking more of the lead and being the man. Recommend I revise to this:

Hey babe. You don't need to be sorry. I'm more than happy working and getting my act together (truth) while you're away. You're a person who has other friends and we're together, for now, even if not physically together. As long as you come back to home to me, I'm good.

 

 

Stupid, silly, good?

 

Just simply say something like, “Hey, babe. Thanks for bringing it up but don’t worry about it. I’m a big boy.”

[Mr. Lucky]

Check your phone bill. Now.

 

noonynicky, Marc is right, you need to rule out this possibility.

 

I get it, you'll say "she's not like that", etc., etc. etc.

 

Just check it off the list before you spend any more time beating yourself up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[noonynicky]

Just simply say something like, “Hey, babe. Thanks for bringing it up but don’t worry about it. I’m a big boy.”

 

Apologies if I'm being pedantic.

 

We're spending time together on Sunday evening. And she just asked me to join her to meet her friend during afternoon for a chat and help with a small favor. I don't have anything on that day.

 

This is something I can do, I got things in the morning but not in the afternoon. I shouldn't say 'No' just to show I'm a man right. And in my reply, how should I phrase it to NOT show I'm always bending backwards for her.

 

I shouldn't be overthinking these sorta things.

 

 

Edit: On second thought, I really rather spend that afternoon working hard on my project (related to finances) than to meet her friend. Therefore, I believe I should politely tell her 'no'.

Edited February 7, 2019 by noonynicky

[noonynicky]

noonynicky, Marc is right, you need to rule out this possibility.

 

I get it, you'll say "she's not like that", etc., etc. etc.

 

Just check it off the list before you spend any more time beating yourself up...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Please enlighten me. Check your phone bill means? (I Googled the phrase. Nothing.)

[Arieswoman]

noony,

What Marc means is that it could be possible that your wife is having an affair.

 

 

Do some discrete digging - that means checking your 'phone records, not getting into gardening.

 

 

I'm sorry, but I smell a rat here

[standtall]

noonnicky....most of the posters here have seen situations like yours, and usually women have a exit plan...or should I say exit man, in most cases. Since your marriage is short, you're young, and it sounds like you don't have kids, there is a good chance she really being honest, but I doubt it. Either way she has emotionally checked out, so the odds are not in your favor of saving your marriage. With that said, still continue to improve your "adulting" so you're a better spouse regardless if your are with this wife.

[noonynicky]

Hi everyone,

 

 

Thank you for your comments. They're supportive. And yup, most of you understand the situation as it is. Please let me fill in some details. The three main themes are:

 

 

1. For the last 2.5 years, I've not been the man.

2. I promised her lofty expectations when we first got together.

3. She's changing to a different person, one who likes to live a larger life than the one we have

 

 

1 to 3 has been occurring concurrently for the last year. Which is why the ultimatum came a few weeks ago. As to why I'm sticking around for the next two months, it's because I OWE IT TO MYSELF AND THE RELATIONSHIP to do what I can for 1 and 2, after my enlightenment. So when the decision comes, I'm going put everything on the table and if she still wants to walk, I respect her decision.

 

 

Practically, I'm rising up to be man (I just told her no) and finishing up my business idea, which I had set in motion months ago, and see how far it goes. (I'm capable and this is above my job in the MNC bank)

 

 

So why don't I just call it quits. Again, this is where me and her differ. I'm noble and I'm a fighter. And regardless what anyone thinks - I'm stupid, it's a waste - I have a value system that when you say a vow, a word, you keep it, even if it's till death do us part. And oddly enough, this trait is what is pulling me forward; no one can tell me I go back on my word.

[todreaminblue]

Hi everyone,

 

 

 

3. She's changing to a different person, one who likes to live a larger life than the one we have

 

 

 

 

So why don't I just call it quits. Again, this is where me and her differ. I'm noble and I'm a fighter. And regardless what anyone thinks - I'm stupid, it's a waste - I have a value system that when you say a vow, a word, you keep it, even if it's till death do us part. And oddly enough, this trait is what is pulling me forward; no one can tell me I go back on my word.

 

hey noon,

its good to change and adapt but what change and adapt I FEEL means to me in a marriage is that you change together... you are a team....teams dotn throw the other under a bus ...teams accept responsibility for their part in the team effort.....takes two noony.....

 

you might not have fulfilled your plans at the beginning that you had...doesnt mean the marriage should end or that you should have to be on a deadline...you arent a newspaper story.....

 

you have said a lot about what you have to do to make it work.....it wont work with just you ...your marriage needs both of you...

 

i am a fighter too i fought along time .fifteen years be exact..changing how i was ... feeling inadequate and anxious a lot..trying to be more than i could be in my partnership with my ex..trying to be perfect for him....the right look forever accommodating......it didnt work ...i was exhausted by the end of it....and while i was sick and needing his support....he left me for someone else....nearly killed me...

 

took me a long time to realise......i will only fight for a relationship where the other person has the same investment and willingness to work as hard as i do every day....a little better...a little more..mix that with forgiveness and patience.....

 

progression its called ....

 

its the only way it works...no time limits ...no expectations and heavy backbreaking promises...just a willingness to work towards every goal...together...every day...with strong communication......

 

together noony..the word is together.not just you...however noble you are and wont go back on your word...make sure its the two of you against the world....or it wont work.....i hope it does....work i mean ..i really do..

 

make her work too..in developing her compassion and patience....should have no limit in regards to you...good luck...deb

[noonynicky]

Just simply say something like, “Hey, babe. Thanks for bringing it up but don’t worry about it. I’m a big boy.”

 

 

Things are kindda meh right now.

 

 

- Did share a bit of each other's day

- She does touch me here and there during our sleep (I really hope it's not a mother thing)

- Gave her a kiss before I left for work. She received it enthusiastically

 

 

I still agree that she has emotionally checked out. But I wish to see it as this: after all the year of her driving the r/s, she's just doing nothing in this 2m period and see what I'll do.

 

 

On my end, I too am maturing / learning. And honestly, when I don't put her on a pedestal, like I did before, I would argue that I'm the better person once I start making decisions.

 

 

I'm gonna get the book after work today.

[bathtub-row]

It seems to me that she wants things to work out. I know people say that she probably has an exit plan but I can tell you from experience that even though I left my marriage, I didn't want to. I wanted things to change so that I could stay and I gave my husband a lot of chances to make that happen. We didn't have the issues you have, he was just very controlling and just couldn't turn it off. But, the truth is, he could've fixed our marriage. I believe you can fix yours.

[noonynicky]

It seems to me that she wants things to work out. I know people say that she probably has an exit plan but I can tell you from experience that even though I left my marriage, I didn't want to. I wanted things to change so that I could stay and I gave my husband a lot of chances to make that happen. We didn't have the issues you have, he was just very controlling and just couldn't turn it off. But, the truth is, he could've fixed our marriage. I believe you can fix yours.

 

 

 

Thank you for the hopeful message.

 

 

Now I'm even more f***ing confused. For the first time in a month, the month that came after the ultimatum in which I accelerated my growth as a man, she texted me an enduring message saying she's looking forward to the weekend with me.

 

 

Best case, she's seeing my growing up - setting my boundaries, making decisions, being firm.

Worst case, she's doing what she can to make these 'last months' happy

 

 

Side note: we're in a country in which financial plans are important. Therefore, I'm never once lost track that that's gonna be the core factor when we revisit whether we want to stay together in 2 months time.

 

 

Gonna get the book later.

[noonynicky]

Weekend over. I'll rate as meh. Some good, some bad.

 

 

Good:

Dinner was less awkward. I projected my views about the r/s with confidence. She sensed I was more sure about myself. We could talk about stuff.

 

 

Bad:

Confused about this.

 

 

When I initiated light physical contact, she mentioned not to force things. At the same she mentioned we aren't as intimated as before, but said it's partly because of her withdrawal and wanting to hurt me less. I countered by saying I'm prepared to let her leave if it makes her happier. Truth.

 

 

So what's the balance? Being assertive, fighting for our relationship vs letting what is left of this r/s to organically grow in this timeline? My quick take is that intimacy needs to be forged mentally first before physically.

 

 

Other than that, I'm slowly accepting the reality that if she walks eventually, my life's pretty good at the moment and it's not my job to convince someone of that. If she can't see it, then that's no one's fault. I'm glad that I was given the 3 months to rise up and correct the mistakes I did before (not manly enough, not planning for future enough)

[bathtub-row]

Just stop making advances toward her and let things happen naturally. She wants to want you, to desire you. Let her do that by leaving her alone and continue doing the other things you're doing. You're right, you can't control anyone else, but most of the time, women are persuaded the most by men who let them be themselves, who give them their freedom.

 

Read. The. Book.