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Husband is tribal [Updated!]


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Old 7th February 2019, 12:54 PM   #76
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OP, what are you doing here? You're husband obviously has mental issues and should be under the care of a professional on a regular basis. Get him into a psychologist and neurologist asap, and stop getting advice here.

Nah he's fine, we got this covered.



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Old 8th February 2019, 7:47 AM   #77
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Nah he's fine, we got this covered.



First laugh of the morning!! Thanks.
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Old 9th February 2019, 2:21 AM   #78
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He says he doesn’t need sleep only coffee. Of course he is joking but it shows how he thinks about this.
Actually he used to have really bad trouble falling asleep, that was really bad... then he learned about progressive muscle relaxation and it helped but it scared him so much because it makes him feel very vulnerable and he never did progressive muscle relaxation without me or another loved one watching... and without that it is difficult for him to get sleep.
I am encouraging to do muscle relaxation on his own. If I am asleep he can just lay nextzo me and do this... but he doesn’t want to.

Same with mirtazapine (a relaxing antidepressant which helps you sleep) he only took it when somebody was watching. I think he was feeling vulnerable. He is not on mirtazapine anymore.

Some of the muscle relaxation techniques are taught in the army so that soldiers can get some rest even under battlefield conditions. My husband tried - didn't work. So it isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. For a long time, my husband needed alcohol to go to bed. We dealt with that issue last year. Right now, he has several OTC pills that he uses. I wish it wasn't that way, but I prefer it to no sleep at all. Unlike your husband, mine doesn't have a way to stay awake with caffeine....it makes him hallucinate. So, no soda or coffee for him! He'll get really tired, but still unable to sleep.

As for the "tribal" thing, my husband has expressed a similar view. At one level, it means that family and friends are important. To him, it also expresses the organization of our faith and social circle. We're kind of our own tribe, with a kind of chief, along with elders and social responsibility. We look after our own. Perhaps that is the kind of thing your husband is looking for?
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Old 9th February 2019, 7:30 AM   #79
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To be honest I am not sure what exactly his trauma was. He was diagnosed with combat ptsd but actually he says he did not see much action (and that the diagnosis might be wrong)... but I often do think that he might be lying to me because he does not want to burden me... but I do not know what kind of trauma.

I really try to give him structure and support but I cannot always be there. I am really it sure if asking stupid question or wanting people to tell you when it is bed time or not wanting to reheat thins in the microwave is a sign of ptsd. Maybe this is more like a relationship dynamic.
This is what I was waiting to read. He’s ex military. Used to having very specific rules and routines.

He has combat ptsd which sounds like c-ptsd. He wants you to keep his surroundings safe while he tries to relax and meditate because he’s afraid of the flashbacks of what’s going on in his mind, perhaps that someone will attack/ ambush him.

This sounds like a good man right here. He needs your support.
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Old 10th February 2019, 2:52 AM   #80
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Some of the muscle relaxation techniques are taught in the army so that soldiers can get some rest even under battlefield conditions. My husband tried - didn't work. So it isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. For a long time, my husband needed alcohol to go to bed. We dealt with that issue last year. Right now, he has several OTC pills that he uses. I wish it wasn't that way, but I prefer it to no sleep at all. Unlike your husband, mine doesn't have a way to stay awake with caffeine....it makes him hallucinate. So, no soda or coffee for him! He'll get really tired, but still unable to sleep.

As for the "tribal" thing, my husband has expressed a similar view. At one level, it means that family and friends are important. To him, it also expresses the organization of our faith and social circle. We're kind of our own tribe, with a kind of chief, along with elders and social responsibility. We look after our own. Perhaps that is the kind of thing your husband is looking for?
Has your hubby tried relaxing antidepressant medication? There are several that help you sleep as well. I think it is better than OTC sleeping pills which are not for regular use.

By the way: This is no medical advice. I am not an expert. This is just what I think.
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Old 10th February 2019, 2:57 AM   #81
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Does he also eat junk food as meals while traveling for work? Who reminds him to go to sleep while traveling for work?
He eats fast food while away for a job but he doesn’t eat and sleep well. He often comes home sooooooooo hungry and tired.
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Old 10th February 2019, 3:18 AM   #82
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This is what I was waiting to read. He’s ex military. Used to having very specific rules and routines.

He has combat ptsd which sounds like c-ptsd. He wants you to keep his surroundings safe while he tries to relax and meditate because he’s afraid of the flashbacks of what’s going on in his mind, perhaps that someone will attack/ ambush him.

This sounds like a good man right here. He needs your support.
Yes, he is a good man and I am willing to give him my support but I cannot always be there and it would be good if he took good care of himself while I am not.

Yes, he is ex military but he has worked in several other jobs since that. Do not get me wrong he is proud of his service but I also makes him sad a bit and he doesn’t like to discuss it that much. He is also proud of the job he is working in now which has nothing to do with the military.

This is not the first time I did not mention the military but people guessed it nevertheless. I do not know that much about military life but people have been telling me I should learn a bit about it. Maybe I will do this one day. Not sure. I think my guy feels that now is now and that he is not looking back.
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Old 10th February 2019, 2:21 PM   #83
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Has your hubby tried relaxing antidepressant medication? There are several that help you sleep as well. I think it is better than OTC sleeping pills which are not for regular use.

By the way: This is no medical advice. I am not an expert. This is just what I think.

Only one of the things my husband takes is a sleeping pill. The others are to counter depression, but do it in a natural way unlike an SSRI. He refuses to see a doctor or get a prescription. That's alright with me because stronger medications can cause personality changes and he reacts differently to substances than most people.

The OTC pill have had a positive effect on his depression, and he takes them at night because they do make him somewhat drowsy. I wish he didn't have to take them at all because I'm not sure long-term use is a good thing, but it is his choice not mine.
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Old 10th February 2019, 5:09 PM   #84
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Yes, he is a good man and I am willing to give him my support but I cannot always be there and it would be good if he took good care of himself while I am not.
Which brings us back around to capacity building by his therapist. And/or an occupational therapist. What are they working on and how can you support his therapy goals?
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Old 4th March 2019, 3:20 AM   #85
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This reminds me of my 17 yr old son (who does not have PTSD). There have always been things that he still asks permission for which he should know by now he doesn’t need permission for – like if he can have a glass of milk before bed; if he can have a shower when it’s late. Often when I hand him food, he still asks if he can eat it. When I tell people this, they think I must be an ogre of a mum, that he must be so scared of getting in trouble. But he rarely gets in trouble, has never been told off for these things, and has been told many times that he doesn’t have to ask. He doesn’t seem anxious. He also asks for what I feel is excessive direction. I feel he is mentally too ‘lazy’ to think things through and make a decision. He also lacks initiative. He has ADD – I don’t know if it’s related.

If I were you, I'd be wanting to see his therapist with him (if only once) to discuss the issues that effect you and find out from the therapist how you should handle it. Perhaps making/leading him to make decisions or perhaps giving support and structure for the time being as they work on these.
Of course the first hurdle is getting husband to want to change, if only for your sake.
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