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Husband is tribal [Updated!]


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Old 5th February 2019, 5:24 AM   #46
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you are his wife aren't you? do you have any kids? are you responsible for their well being?
Yes, I am his wife but not his mother.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:30 AM   #47
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With a partner who has trauma issues, the best advice I can give is to be patient. When he's willing, talk about it. I've known my husband for more than half my life even though we've been married for a year. Sometimes he talks, sometimes he doesn't. I just have to deal with that. The best thing about him (and I think, about your guy also) is that he's kind. He cares and does his best. That's what matters most. If the little things get dropped, I pick up where I can. He's there to help me with my issues too. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
Thanks for sharing.

Mine actually has List and lists of lists too but without the list he is totally lost and that is when he starts asking stupid questions.

He doesnít like to talk about the trauma or the ptsd. It is very difficult for him and this is okay for me. He doesnít have too.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:42 AM   #48
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I think it's possible that everything you said in your first post could be related to the PTSD. You don't know how he feels or what triggers him. He may be experiencing anxiety at when he is alone at the grocery store. That would make it difficult for him to concentrate or make decisions. Same when he is at home without you, perhaps just your presence calms him and makes him feel more secure. He has stress around going to bed and falling asleep so it's pretty clear that the bedtime stuff is PTSD related. A service dog or emotional support animal might help him. Also you may want to seek out a support group for yourself regarding helping a loved one with PTSD while still taking care of yourself. And lastly nobody thinks someone with PTSD or other mental health issues is crazy.
We have dogs, not service dogs. Just dogs.
I am also in a support group... but I really do not think that any other of the spouses tells their husband when it is bedtime. I know many have trouble sleeping but donot think that any tells him when it is bedtime.

I have been thinking about calling a helpline for combat ptsd lately... but then I did not have the guts. I guess that my husband is the most unusual vet with ptsd because he has few of the normal ptsd problems... and this is so unusual...

I mean I think it is a bit unsoldierly and I am a bit ashamed to call and discuss this with them because I am afraid that they tell me that it is behaviour unbecoming of vet to need to be babied and to ask stupid questions all of the time. I have heard that stupid questions are extremely unpopular in the military.
He discusses his trouble sleeping with his therapist but I am not sure what exactly he discusses.

Last edited by Pearl1988; 5th February 2019 at 6:07 AM..
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Old 5th February 2019, 7:38 AM   #49
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Do online shopping and get the groceries delivered, not worth the hassle otherwise. He can go get a pint of milk or some nachos if he wants to, but leave out the big stuff as it is obviously too much for him.

I would go make an appointment with the therapist or find a PTSD help group and ask what you need to do to help the situation.
They may be able to tell you what is "normal" in PTSD and what may be be due to another underlying issue perhaps?
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Old 5th February 2019, 9:12 AM   #50
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I have been thinking about calling a helpline for combat ptsd lately... but then I did not have the guts. I guess that my husband is the most unusual vet with ptsd because he has few of the normal ptsd problems... and this is so unusual...
Is it possible that he has an underlying issue - perhaps, he has suffered from anxiety prior to his service?

And what about his childhood... is it possible that his mother cared for his father this way? If this is what he saw growing up, it could be why he assumes you will do the same? Itís not uncommon for women of that generation to ďdoĒ for their husbands... to cook all meals, to spoon the food onto their plate, to bring them drinks, to set the household schedule, etc... In some cases, they enabled a generation of men (who brought home the bacon) to live a very comfortable life by catering to their every need...
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Old 5th February 2019, 2:42 PM   #51
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Even though I don't see where you answered it directly, I see you acknowledge he has trauma and ptsd. Does he have a brain injury?

You may not know and he may not know, but if there was trauma, he may have and it may give him trouble with connecting the dots.

IMO, you should take him in for neurological testing at the VA or if you can afford it, at some specialty place. Find out what it is. Brain scan, testing, etc. It sounds to me like if he's had ptsd and trauma, he's likely had a brain injury damaging one portion of his brain. If they scan it, they can tell you what it affects to help you better anticipate and work with it and may even have some things for him to practice to see if anything can be rebuilt neurologically.

In the meantime, I suggest you get a dry erase board and put the basics on there: Bedtime 10:00 to 10:15.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:19 PM   #52
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I agree with preraph. he needs an MRI of the brain to see if there are any abnormalities. take him to a good neurologist
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:21 PM   #53
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Yeah, this isn't about husband/wife stuff. This is about he's trying real hard but has lost some neurological capability. He's trying hard. He can't remember and connect the dots well. Try to be patient and then just put that board up for reminders.
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Old 6th February 2019, 9:11 AM   #54
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Even though I don't see where you answered it directly, I see you acknowledge he has trauma and ptsd. Does he have a brain injury?
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To be honest I am not sure what exactly his trauma was. He was diagnosed with combat ptsd but actually he says he did not see much action (and that the diagnosis might be wrong)... but I often do think that he might be lying to me because he does not want to burden me... but I do not know what kind of trauma.
It may well be true, but she did say early on that he actually didn’t see much combat. So, it’s possible that the ptsd is actually an incorrect label to what is another problem - anxiety or another neurological problem. Or perhaps, there is another trauma from his childhood that he has not shared. It’s hard to know.

Either way, if you are concerned OP, you should consider an assessment. And, you are right to be concerned... some of this may well be typical husband/wife stuff, but some of this seems to be more than that...

Your husband is very fortunate to have such an understanding and caring wife. Good luck to you.

Last edited by BaileyB; 6th February 2019 at 9:15 AM..
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Old 6th February 2019, 3:35 PM   #55
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Do online shopping and get the groceries delivered, not worth the hassle otherwise. He can go get a pint of milk or some nachos if he wants to, but leave out the big stuff as it is obviously too much for him.

I would go make an appointment with the therapist or find a PTSD help group and ask what you need to do to help the situation.
They may be able to tell you what is "normal" in PTSD and what may be be due to another underlying issue perhaps?
Actually he is supposed to be grocery shopping. I told you he was seeing a therapist. The therapist wants him to. He struggles with crowds a bit and used to be afraid of grocery shopping but he overcame that fear and is not afraid of grocery shopping anymore (but sometimes worried that it might be to crowded there). His therapist wants him to be grocery shopping so that he doesnít loose the ability. My husband found a supermarket that he is comfortable with and now shops there.
Yes, I have wondered if this was the reason while he phones me and asks stupid questions. Maybe he doesnít really have questions but just wants to hear my voice... but I have asked him and he told me it was not the case.

I am a member of a ptsd support group but the problem is that everything is viewed through a ptsd lens there... and maybe this isnít even a ptsd problem but a normal marriage problem. I know quite a few of the women there have husband who struggle with grocery shopping but none of them phones their wife to ask stupid questions.
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Old 6th February 2019, 3:41 PM   #56
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I donít think his issues are normal. He sounds very sweet and Iím glad heís in therapy. And I agree that he should keep doing things that make him uncomfortable. Otherwise, heíll become a hermit. Iím sure you bring a great deal of comfort to him and Iím sure he feels lucky to have you and his family.
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Old 6th February 2019, 3:46 PM   #57
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And what about his childhood... is it possible that his mother cared for his father this way? If this is what he saw growing up, it could be why he assumes you will do the same? Itís not uncommon for women of that generation to ďdoĒ for their husbands... to cook all meals, to spoon the food onto their plate, to bring them drinks, to set the household schedule, etc... In some cases, they enabled a generation of men (who brought home the bacon) to live a very comfortable life by catering to their every need...
He spend a big part of his childhood at boarding schools and most likely did not have that much time to observe marriage life/family life. His father used to work away from home and they decided to send their kids to boarding schools... but marriage and family life is something he greatly enjoys and he is happy about having a family of his own now. He told me so and also that it sometimes scares him a bit.

However when his father was there they had a traditional marriage. His mother did not really work much, she was very much involved with charity but when his father came home she dropped everything to be there for him. She cooked for him and served him dinner whenever he wished it. She did not tell him when it was bedtime. Now that he is retired she still does all the cooking and so on and he does nothing.
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Old 6th February 2019, 3:49 PM   #58
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Even though I don't see where you answered it directly, I see you acknowledge he has trauma and ptsd. Does he have a brain injury?
No, he doesnít have a brain injury. He actually had that tested because he had a minor head injury but everything was okay.
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Old 6th February 2019, 3:50 PM   #59
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Iím sure you bring a great deal of comfort to him and Iím sure he feels lucky to have you and his family.
Thanks
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Old 6th February 2019, 5:00 PM   #60
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While raising my kids I always kept in mind (as they got older) what if I wasnít here? Would they be capable of caring for themselves?

Itís useful for anyone to continue to learn and to do better.

Is he willing to learn or does he act as if this is forced into him? In other words - is he willingly trying?
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