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Husband is tribal [Updated!]


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Old 4th February 2019, 5:34 PM   #16
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Nobody is suggesting that he is crazy. But, sometimes it's not possible to understand a relationship without considering the mental health of the people involved in the relationship. Surely, you can appreciate how one could affect the other...
Actually he has been diagnosed with ptsd. You know, I think there is a bit of a danger when a person has ptsd that he is only seen through that lens. That’s why I did not mention it in the first post... and I think that those aren’t classical symptoms of ptsd.

Insomnia is but wishing for your ice to establish a bed time for you isn’t... and so on.
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:34 PM   #17
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Give him a more detailed shopping list specifying exactly which brands he is to purchase.

Leave him a note about the food in the microwave with instructions about how long it is to be heated. If he prefers to eat chips, let him. How old are the kids? Can they heat the food in the microwave?
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:35 PM   #18
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1. Pretty normal. If I'm not specific, my husband will grab what catches HIS eye. However I'm part of several mom's groups, and they have talked about taking pictures of specific products, even telling their husbands what aisle number the product is in. Now that more grocery stores are offering online shopping with store pickup, most have resorted to this.
2. If he's not with the kids a lot, this may be his insecurity showing.
3. Um. That sounds lazy IMO, and what a teenager would do until mom comes home.
4. That's completely out of my territory, unfortunately I have no suggestions.
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:37 PM   #19
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I just want to add that you are right you shouldn't normally have to do these things. And it is an exercise of love and patience to work through them.

It is not an indefinite free pass or condemnation for things to always be that way, but a gradual healing process to find solutions.
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:46 PM   #20
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Leave him a note about the food in the microwave with instructions about how long it is to be heated. If he prefers to eat chips, let him. How old are the kids? Can they heat the food in the microwave?
Well, that is the only thing that sometimes works. I leave him a note with detailed instructions like:

“XX is in the fridge. Reheat for XX minutes at XX watts, eat at XX o‘clock“. I feel a bit weird for having him to tell when to eat. That feels really odd.

I always take my children with me for lunch, but he sometimes watches them at dinner time and he prepares dinner for them. No problem. He would never let the children eat nachos for dinner, that just him. You have to make him eat but exactly telling him “seven o‘clock in the evening is the time you need to eat. Remember that“. That is the only things that sometimes (but only sometimes) makes him eat.
He is doing a good job with the children. He needs a lot of instructions when he babysits and calls a thousand times, but he does a great job.
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:49 PM   #21
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you say he is "slow" ... I feel sorry for him if that is what you say to him, if
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:51 PM   #22
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You said he has PTSD. He may need the routine & for you to establish it for him in order to function. Being regimented can help with that condition.
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:52 PM   #23
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If he was this odd when you met him you probably wouldn't have married him and had kids with him, is that right?


So this is a new behavior. Possibly a deterioration in his mental state brought on by life stressors. This isn't about bedtimes or tomatoes.



Act accordingly.
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:58 PM   #24
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If he was this odd when you met him you probably wouldn't have married him and had kids with him, is that right?


So this is a new behavior. Possibly a deterioration in his mental state brought on by life stressors. This isn't about bedtimes or tomatoes.



Act accordingly.
To be honest when I decided to marry him he was not living with me. I had an oops pregnancy and we decided to do the honorable thing so we married before we ever moved together. Cannot really say if he was being odd. I did not notice anything.
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:59 PM   #25
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You said he has PTSD. He may need the routine & for you to establish it for him in order to function. Being regimented can help with that condition.
Really? Is there research on that? I’d like to know more.
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Old 4th February 2019, 6:00 PM   #26
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you say he is "slow" ... I feel sorry for him if that is what you say to him, if
No, I did not say that he was slow. I said he was high IQ but acting like a slow person.
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Old 4th February 2019, 6:07 PM   #27
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Actually he has been diagnosed with ptsd. You know, I think there is a bit of a danger when a person has ptsd that he is only seen through that lens. That’s why I did not mention it in the first post... and I think that those aren’t classical symptoms of ptsd.

Insomnia is but wishing for your ice to establish a bed time for you isn’t... and so on.
That's very fair. And, I would agree...
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Old 4th February 2019, 6:07 PM   #28
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Really? Is there research on that? I’d like to know more.
talk to the people who are treating him
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Old 4th February 2019, 6:12 PM   #29
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I make a lot of decisions in our home. In the past my husband was away from home because of his job a lot and I sometimes felt nearly like a single mum.
That could be part of it. I'm sure it must be hard to come into a functioning household when you are away a lot - you have your routine well established, you know what tomatoes to buy, you know what time the kids go to bed, etc...

Although you encourage him to be a parent and an equal partner, he may be hesitant because it's just not his role and not his comfort. Maybe he feels a little out of place when he comes home, not sure how to fit in.

My best advice would be to keep talking. And, don't enable him... or you will end up with a man who requires you to do even the most menial of tasks and can't wash his own dishes or heat his own food... He is a grown man, very capable of deciding his own bedtime, making sure he showers at least every other day, reheating his own food, and providing care for your children, etc... Good luck.
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Old 4th February 2019, 6:45 PM   #30
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He is a grown man, very capable of deciding his own bedtime...
I agree but what should I do when he just doesn’t do this? Currently you really have to tell him it is his bedtime and to gently shepherd him to bed and help him go to sleep... and that’s okay. When I am there and awake it is okay. But when I am not... he needs to find a way to manage this on his own.
When he is away from home he sleeps in a hotel and he hates it. So currently I phone him and tell him it is his bed time and he needs to get some rest. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t and he sleeps very little.

When you don’t tell him to come to bed he often doesn’t and sometimes stays awake the whole night long and of course that is not good.

Talking about stupid question. I often ask myself if it would be a good idea to refuse to answer his stupid questions.
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