Sex with your MM or MW during affair.

[Keysie]

I posted before about my problem with my husband's affair with cam girls and this one particular girl.

Even before I discovered his affairs with those girls, the sex is still good. Although we weren't able to do it as much as we used to. And his desire just get stronger.

 

I have read that guys who had/has an affair became more active in bed.

 

I am just curious about why?

 

Do they have an affair because they no longer get hot seeing their SO and needed someone else's help to satisfy their wife/husband?

 

or do they become active in bed while thinking of their AP? AP is not around so they used their W/H to relieve themselves?

Edited February 5, 2019 by Keysie

[zouz71]

can you first define his affair ?

do you mean he really slept with someone else ? or watching porn ?

 

 

If men are marked as cheaters because they watch porn , no one would be left .

[Arieswoman]

Keysie,

 

 

I have read that guys who had/has an affair became more active in bed.

 

 

 

 

Don't believe everything you read

[zouz71]

In my definition , when a man watch porn or any kind of nudity alone, one of the following could be the case .

 

 

-he is porn addict .

-he is not satisfied or there is sexual incompatibility .

-he stepped out emotionally as he is starving for sex .

 

 

 

 

Amazingly , sometimes some women claim that he is not initiating! because they don't initiate and claim that if he wants sex why doesn't he ask for it .

 

 

Well , those women don't know men well....

[Keysie]

can you first define his affair ?

do you mean he really slept with someone else ? or watching porn ?

 

 

If men are marked as cheaters because they watch porn , no one would be left .

 

He never met any of those girls, it wasn't just him watching porn or something like that; it's almost like an emotional affair. He used to visit a lot of cam sites and chatted with those girls whom he paid for their sexy shows although he rarely c*um for them. He slowly stopped doing that and settled with this one girl.

 

Here's the thread I made for that. I am just trying to understand his mindset. Do they use those girls in order to keep our bed time together more lively or does he have sex with me while thinking of those girls...like using me because he can't do it with her.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/675722-husband-having-online-infidelity

Edited February 5, 2019 by Keysie

[Keysie]

Keysie,

 

 

 

 

Don't believe everything you read

 

Lol Yeah you are right..Let me correct it then: "most guys"

[somanymistakes]

In my definition , when a man watch porn or any kind of nudity alone, one of the following could be the case .

 

-he is porn addict .

-he is not satisfied or there is sexual incompatibility .

-he stepped out emotionally as he is starving for sex .

 

 

You're massively overexaggerating. Plenty of guys watch a bit of porn now and then for fun because their partner isn't around at that moment or is busy. Plenty of guys look at 'any kind of nudity' because it's THERE (think how often random nudity appears in some movies and art) and are not fapping over it, just appreciating the eye candy and moving on. It does not mean there's a huge problem.

 

Looking at porn ALL THE TIME is a problem.

[somanymistakes]

Lol Yeah you are right..Let me correct it then: "most guys"

 

Eh. I don't know about "most guys". Remember a lot of these things are poorly studied (how many people openly admit that they're in an affair to researchers in order to provide valid data?) so they often go about by anecdote.

 

It is true that SOME people (not just men) who are having affairs have more sex with their spouses during that time. The most common reasons I've heard for this are that:

 

- they feel guilty about stepping out, or afraid that they'll be caught, so they pay extra attention to the spouse

 

- they feel more fired-up and excited in general because of the confidence boost of having an AP who's into them. this leads to them being more active in bed. It's not about the AP really, it's about THEM. they feel great.

[Turning point]

The most common reasons I've heard for this are that:

 

- they feel guilty about stepping out, or afraid that they'll be caught, so they pay extra attention to the spouse

 

- they feel more fired-up and excited in general because of the confidence boost of having an AP who's into them. this leads to them being more active in bed. It's not about the AP really, it's about THEM. they feel great.

 

I think the latter is often true about people who compartmentalize. A higher sense of self increases their drive and expectation for a lot of things, and where no real issues or barriers exist in the marital relationship they expand their exploits at home as well as abroad.

 

Those who feel guilty are probably emotionally involved with their affair partner. Love and sex intertwine and they withdraw from the marriage because they cannot reconcile or compartmentalize sex/love with two different people.

 

One is tortured only by the thought of being caught, the other has the additional torture of feeling trapped in the wrong destiny. Self delusions to be sure.

Edited February 5, 2019 by Turning point

[DKT3]

In general, women dont understand porn and see it as competition or maybe believe that is what her man wants. Men are visual and for most watching porn equals a women reading a romance novel, it simulates the same part of the brain. Watching porn is no more cheating than a woman reading a romance novel.

 

With that said, porn does present some problems, main one being a mans ability to maintain an erection without it.

 

For those women who believe it's the other women that he is attracted to, here is a challenge, make one solo, hand it to your husband and watch the reaction.

 

As for OPs question, since your husband wasnt having an affair (not really) of course your sex life maintained. Maybe even increased, maybe even got a little better.

[elaine567]

This isn't "just" porn though.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/675722-husband-having-online-infidelity#post7726283

[Mr. Lucky]

This isn't "just" porn though.

 

Agreed. His relationship online has progressed to the point where emotionally and financially it's become a significant issue in the OP's marriage.

 

Keysie, your H is a cake-eater, he has the benefit of both you and the online GF. Unless there's some consequences, nothing will change.

 

Why do you put up with this ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

I am just trying to understand his mindset. Do they use those girls in order to keep our bed time together more lively or does he have sex with me while thinking of those girls...like using me because he can't do it with her.

Keysie,

 

Nobody except your husband can help you figure out his mindset; it serves no purpose and is not constructive for what you want to know, for you to try to figure it out without his input.

 

What you can, and perhaps should, do for yourself (for which you don't need the input of others), is to ask yourself what difference it makes to you, personally and individually.

 

So, let's say, "Yes...it's to keep your and his sex life more lively." <-- Then what?

 

And, then let's say, "Yes...he's using you, while thinking of her, because he can't do it with her in real life." <-- Then what?

 

Do you see what I mean? It's not what is in his mindset that counts, but what is in yours. YOU get to figure that out, totally independent and separate from him.

[Keysie]

Keysie,

 

Nobody except your husband can help you figure out his mindset; it serves no purpose and is not constructive for what you want to know, for you to try to figure it out without his input.

 

What you can, and perhaps should, do for yourself (for which you don't need the input of others), is to ask yourself what difference it makes to you, personally and individually.

 

So, let's say, "Yes...it's to keep your and his sex life more lively." <-- Then what?

 

And, then let's say, "Yes...he's using you, while thinking of her, because he can't do it with her in real life." <-- Then what?

 

Do you see what I mean? It's not what is in his mindset that counts, but what is in yours. YOU get to figure that out, totally independent and separate from him.

I already confronted him about it after. I found out about the affair.. and he said that it was nothing serious. He was just bored always being alone in the house, bored being away from home and us not being able to talk as much. It frustrates him so he ended up entertaining himself online because he has no plan or desire to actually cheat in real (physically) so yes he saw it as a way to ease his boredom.

He sent her money because he feel sorry for her and as payment for wasting her time talking to her online. But never had the plan to take it on PA.

 

I asked him to cut contact with her and to focus on our marriage. Me and our children spent the holidays with him and made sure to make him feel loved again and feel the family spirit.

But as he said, it wouldn't be easy to just abandon the girl because she might get hurt and depressed like what happened to our child. So he slowly tried to pull himself away from her.. sending her offline messages only and not talk as much which annoyed the OW.

 

I spent more time with him. We go on dates, talked about what we wanted to do in the future once we retired, had sex and just like a new lovers again.

 

The girl kept on contacting her and broke up with him. He got upset with her attitude and they had argument. He blamed the girl for what happend in their relationship because her actions made him think twice when he was so sure of wanting to be with her. She broke up with him. They didn't contact each other.

 

Holiday was over and I had to return to work. The OW kept contacting him begging him not to leave her..My H didn't replied and just told her he's still thinking and need time and focused on me. I left him and he focused on renovation of our house. The OW still message him. He replied and said he never said he's breaking up with her all he asked was for time to think. The OW understand but asked if that means she shouldn't talk he said no she can talk but don't expect for replies. She kept sending sweet messages to him- he's still not warming up but he replied back.

 

The thing is I got jealous of her at first but if she is keeping my husband from having different thoughts then it's fine. I know he wouldn't be able to meet her.

Husband is back to work and now their relationship is back to normal again.

 

My problem with my husband was that he started to became more and more moody. Especially when I get too busy. He gets upset easily when I don't message him or call him. Gets upset when I couldn't go home and gets jealous easily.

 

He doesn't have sexy chat with the OW as much as before.

I asked him if there is anything wrong or problems but he refused to say.

 

He seems to start talking to her again to keep his mind out of me and avoid getting upset or jealous so I didn't mind that.

 

Although it made me wonder whom it is that he really desired more. I just don't think I'll be at ease if it happened to be that he only make love to me because he couldn't be with her.

 

I thought it was clear if that we will endure until we retire. I am fine with him entertaining himself to avoid getting upset with me but it this is adding to him and making him clingy... then it may not be good at all and I just don't know how to keep him away from the ow if she's helping him.