Bama Belle Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Okay, here is a genuine problem with which I need help. Any and all suggestions are welcome and I promise to be accepting and appreciative of all responses. My husband is the sweetest man in the world 90% of the time. But, when he gets angry enough, he yells at me. I know some couples yell at each other regularly when they argue. But, to me, civilized people should be able to communicate without raising their voices. Personally, I pout. But the yelling isn't the issue at the moment. Right after he's done, he wants to hug! I love this man, but I'm really not in the mood to hug anyone who's just yelled at me! Thing is, I Googled it. One man with anger issues said, "When we lose it and walk away, we really want you to follow us and kiss and hug us and tell us it's all going to be okay." I couldn't believe it! Then I told a female friend about it. I said people don't deserve to be hugged and kissed after they've just yelled at someone. Then SHE said she had anger issues, wanted her husband to hug and kiss her afterwards and he didn't think she deserved it either. My friends are split right down the middle. I have two sisters. One says hug your husband the other says "I wouldn't let him near me." Part of me says I have a right to my own body and shouldn't have to let anyone, even my husband, touch me if I don't want to. Also, it would be insincere affection which is no better than a lie. And I never lie. The other part says it's cruel to deny affection to anyone seeking it. So, somebody-anybody-please tell me. Should I hug my husband? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I think that giving him a hug is rewarding his behaviour. I would talk to him when there hasn't been a fight and explain that I do not have the capacity to comfort him when he's been treating me so disrespectfully. And I also agree with your sister that it would be insincere affection. I think it wouldn't hurt him to know that if you did hug him, you would be resenting every moment of that hug. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Noooooo, you NEVER reward bad behavior!!! What would be the possible incentive for him to stop acting like that if you do?? He knows he loses it and wants instant forgiveness --- nope. Never. But yes, hug him when he does something nice or helpful or is acting interested in your day or whatever, when he's being how you like him. But never reward bad behavior. I'm sure that's from his mother overindulging him in childhood. You're not his mother. If he wants a hug after being a butt, he can go get one from her. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I agree. If he can discuss his concerns in a calm and respectful way, I would happily offer a hug after the discussion. In no way, do I want to offer affection to a man who has just raised his voice to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 But, to me, civilized people should be able to communicate without raising their voices. Personally, I pout. Hugging is a personal choice, up to you. But I'll just point out pouting is the other side of the coin and, in it's own way, destructive. Your husband might say civilized people should be able to communicate without having their feeling hurt... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 The pouting shouldn't last long, but pouting is preferable to escalating when you're dealing with an angry man, so it's not the worst reaction. Why should he expect anything friendly after that? It's hard to have an appropriate reaction to an inappropriate offense. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Your husband might say civilized people should be able to communicate without having their feeling hurt... Indeed. When it comes to civilised discussion, people should be able to not have hurt feelings. But shouting is neither a civilised or productive communication method. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I think it depends a lot on the situation. My ex-husband would do that sometimes and it was like he was looking for reassurance that he could treat me however he pleased without consequence. In those instances, when he'd been belittling or offensive, I recall demanding a genuine apology first. Making up should never be one-sided. But there were other times when it was different, his yelling and shouting was sometimes more him letting off steam than an offense against me personally. I always tried to recognize the difference, because I do think it matters. Sometimes a little comfort can go a long way. All in all though, it was very much like he wanted me to be his mother (as in, he seldom if ever showed me the same consideration when I was frustrated), and that ultimately had some pretty dire implications for our marriage... obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 So I tried that with my highly emotional sister, and it works! She has BPD and as I'm starting to recognise the triggers, as soon as I see her begin to lose it I give her a big hug. It's taken a few gos but now it calms her down instantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 You have a daddy/child dynamic going if you're pouting like a 3 year old after he yells at you. Why do you continually allow this abuser to have all the power while you pout like a baby? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I would never hug anyone who just yelled at me! Tell him no physical touching when he’s been cruel and mean! He can LEARN to express his feelings without yelling. As long as you reward bad behavior he will think it’s ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 So I tried that with my highly emotional sister, and it works! She has BPD and as I'm starting to recognise the triggers, as soon as I see her begin to lose it I give her a big hug. It's taken a few gos but now it calms her down instantly. No way - she needs to learn self control! You are helping her act terribly. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 No way - she needs to learn self control! You are helping her act terribly. Actually, this has helped her self-control. As I recognised her triggers, she started to recognise them as well. This has been very beneficial for her because she felt she could do that in a supportive environment. Plus we had her therapist's blessing. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 hey, i dont think anyone would feel like hugging directly after being yelled at..but....after a fight i do believe when the air is calm and still that talking it out and connecting by hugging after would be beneficial to a relationship...even if the outcome is agree to disagree.... this might seem old school but my grandpas' and my nannas' at various times always told me that they never let the sun go down on a disagreement on both sides of my family.....its always been the way...when it deviates from a day.....its horrible.... talk it out ....and whatever the outcome is.....its better talked out and moved on from with a reconnect on the physical side and emotional side than let to fester....and distance formed physically and emotionally from not dealing with the problem asap...deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bama Belle Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 Thank you! I was so torn! I love my friend who also has anger issues but her husband doesn't think she deserves a hug, but I agree with her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bama Belle Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 I've seen your posts. I know you're wise. Do you think there's an implication of "I got my anger out. Now the fights over," in the immediate hug? Or am I just assigning motivations? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Actually, this has helped her self-control. As I recognised her triggers, she started to recognise them as well. This has been very beneficial for her because she felt she could do that in a supportive environment. Plus we had her therapist's blessing. Yes. Mental illness isn't like managing regular behaviours. If 'normal' strategies worked for them, there wouldn't be a diagnosis. Similar to dealing with an autistic meltdown: As much as the carer doesn't want to back down and 'lose the argument when something has gone pear shaped, the focus needs to be on de-escalation and then dealing with the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Don't reward him with a hug! I bet his mother did that, because how some mothers can't discipline, and that's why he's like that to begin with. Time he took responsibility and realized there's consequences. This seems like the most basic common sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bama Belle Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 At Kitty Tantrum (love your username): I never thought about that. It honestly never occurred to me to try to calm him down and tell him it was OK. I'm particularly ashamed of that because, when I do lose it, he always does that for me. Thank you. That was very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bama Belle Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 Mrs. December: I have a MUCH meaner mouth than he does. He's just louder. And pouting is a nice word for what I do. A friend of mine says I can fill a room with my anger. But that's what I do when I'm angry, not my reaction to him raising his voice. That varies from leaving all day and not taking his calls while I'm at a friend's, my sister's, out spending too much money or freezing him out for as much as a couple of days. According to my shrink, that's abuse too. It's just that we fight so rarely, we haven't dealt with it. But when he screams, "YOU BROKE IT!" because I put gas where the oil goes in the lawn mower, I don't want a hug five seconds later! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bama Belle Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 Preraph OMG! I can't believe you said that! I have said that so many times. And when my kids, who are now grown, spent three days with her, it took me six to get them straightened out! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Give him a hug and ask why he just thought he need to yell out and ask him to take a breath before he does it again. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 But when he screams, "YOU BROKE IT!" because I put gas where the oil goes in the lawn mower, I don't want a hug five seconds later! In this situation, I would imagine that this hug is his way of saying sorry. Now that I know how unacceptable your own behaviour can be, I change my stance on how to deal with his. It sounds to me like he tolerates a lot from you - so perhaps you could return the favour. Better yet would be both of you learning how to better manage your behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 For you ... can you learn to calmly express your feelings instead of either shouting or pouting? If he’s planning to work on his reactions (or actions) you can both make an agreement to do better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I would. After an argument, sometimes I bite the bullet, follow him, hug and tell him I love him. Even if I am still mad. Link to post Share on other sites
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