Orokotikki Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 This question is for married women who had a miscarriage: What was helpful to hear from your husband? What do you wish they had done differently? What did they do that you wish they had not? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 He left work as soon as I called from the Obs clinic and was there for me. He cried with me. That was all I needed. Is this something you're going through at present? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orokotikki Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 Yes. I took a few days off to be home with her, and went to the med appts with her. We had a bit of a cry together first day. She only told me the day before she might be preg, but that she started spotting a few days before telling me so wasn't sure. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I'm so sorry for your loss. My best advice is to just be there for her emotionally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orokotikki Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Thanks basil. Surprised by lack of other input, I guess I should have worked "texting" or something into the tagline. :-P Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I had a miscarriage a few years back, my husband dropped me at the hospital then went home, I felt so alone and scared when my nurse called the crash team due to major blood loss, I wish he'd been with me. He picked me up later on and had called around all our friends, one couple who I barely knew turned up at the hospital which upset me. The next day, my husband wanted me to go and visit his brand new grandson, I was so distraught about losing my baby that I couldn't face seeing a new born......he went on his own and I stayed at home crying my eyes out....my advice, be mindful of her feelings, listen to her needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orokotikki Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 That is dreadful, I'm sorry to hear it. I hope he made it up to you (and apologized!). Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Just a thought for your consideration: after my wife miscarried, I planted a magnolia in the front yard in our daughter's memory. It's a pretty big tree now, and still very meaningful. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 That is dreadful, I'm sorry to hear it. I hope he made it up to you (and apologized!). He's usually very thoughtful, his explanation for behaving like this, was that he couldn't deal with his emotions so had to distance himself from me. He doesn't apologize for this. Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Husband of 25 years here, we miscarried about 15-16 years ago. What I remember most is that my boss expected me to take little to no time off. He was several years older than me and actually stated that he double checked with his wife in case he remembered incorrectly, but he was back to work the next day after her miscarriage. I actually liked him as a boss, but that was a shallow move on his part (putting it mildly). I took a couple of days off and my wife appreciated it. I can barely remember the emotion now, I hurt because she was hurting. In the end it all worked out fine. We had 2 more after the miscarriage and a total of 5 wonderful kids who make us proud everyday! The advice above, be mindful of her needs, listen to her. . . it really is advice for everyday if one can be that wise. But I would say that you should write it down and focus on following it for the next few days. . . She needs your support and strength right now. Everything you can give her. Link to post Share on other sites
Slytheringirl1 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) Be there, talk to her, tell her how you feel. Don't hide anything or feel like you have to be strong for her. I wanted all that from my husband and it nearly broke me that he didn't show his emotions. I still keep a diary now of how it's affecting me, I'm 5 months on from my miscarriage and 4 week's away from what would have been my due date. Hold her when she cries and tell her how much you love her and that everything will be ok one day. That you will get through this together. My heart aches with what we lost every day. Don't expect her to be ok straight away, if she's anything like me she will be up and down and go over and over the same things again and again. I tried to bottle it up and then started to resent him, I knew then we had to talk again . I'm sorry you're having to go through this Edited February 10, 2019 by Slytheringirl1 Paragraphs! Link to post Share on other sites
destructiveness Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I have had two miscarriages last year, with the last one that required a d&c. The last one was the hardest on myself and my husband. We were together for the first baby scan and they told us it was 95% sure we already lost the baby. We sobbed together. We have fertility issues too that required us to use IVF. The best thing he did for me even though he couldn't understand or relate, he let me cry and he held me. The thing that sucked that was out of our control was he just started a new job. He couldn't stay after they took me back for surgery. He had to leave me for work and his mom took me home. There wasn't much he could say that made me feel better. 5 days after the d&c I was more moody. He left to go out with friends and as soon as he left, I broke down uncontrollably. He came back unexpectedly to get something left he needed. He realized in that moment how broken I was. It was in that moment he helped me begin to heal with support and love. He just held me for probably a good 10mins. My heart aches for you both. Please know that time heals but it will take time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or cope with this loss. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 (edited) This question is for married women who had a miscarriage: What was helpful to hear from your husband? my partner didnt talk about the miscarriage with me,i didnt want to talk about it what would have been helpful was not really talk but unspoken support would have helped..... What do you wish they had done differently? physically been there to take me to hospital....instead of getting drunk and high What did they do that you wish they had not? left me alone to miscarry, i was spotting and i asked him to take me to hospital..he declined and said he would come back and take me later.... being there to take me to hospital would or could have made a difference... in hindsight....i should have gone myself actually to hospital,but i didnt want to go and be surrounded by strangers miscarrying and that is on me...... in saying this i went on to have three daughters by the same man ....everything happens for a reason...its what i will always believe. i dont think my ex knew how to handle the situation...i was devastated...and that isnt his fault..not knowing what to say..its hard to go through miscarriage ...for both ...men need support just as much....deb Edited February 11, 2019 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orokotikki Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 Just wanted to thank everyone for their kind responses, and for sharing their stories. Wishing you all the best today. Link to post Share on other sites
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