Spouse shy to discuss sex/sexual things

[gsdgp]

We have been married for over 10 years and sex is great when it occurs but is infrequent. I've tried to focus on the emotional connection, flirt with her throughout the day, make sure she knows how loved and beautiful I find her. However, its surprising to me is extremely shy to talk about sex in general or sexual things particularly in any detail. I try and keep the flirting initially to very safe comments, but anything more specific/mildly "dirty" she gets uncomfortable and then upset with me. My personal bias is that most couples could share very positive sexual feelings and thoughts without censoring those comments to the pg13 version. Personally I'd love to hear the unfiltered comments much more than the pg comments. I think I really wish sex was more frequent and would like to share each others thoughts about what we both find appealing/arousing etc, but she's unwilling to share. I find this bizarre especially when we are near 40 years old. I'd like her to do what she wants, ask for what she wants and vice versa. Neither is into anything remotely controversial at all, so I just don't get it. Thoughts????

[Orokotikki]

Generally speaking, I am told and have read, most women want or need an emotional connection as a pre-requisite for sex.

 

From your other thread it sounds like she isn't making an emotional connection with you because she has and is maintaining that with her ex.

 

That problem will override any possible solution here.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think I really wish sex was more frequent and would like to share each others thoughts about what we both find appealing/arousing etc, but she's unwilling to share. I find this bizarre especially when we are near 40 years old. I'd like her to do what she wants, ask for what she wants and vice versa. Neither is into anything remotely controversial at all, so I just don't get it. Thoughts????

 

I don't find her discomfort any more "bizarre" than your ease with the topic. Some people enjoy sexual discussion, the more detailed the better - and others don't.

 

I also think she understands sex really isn't the topic, your dissatisfaction with your sexlife is the real agenda.

 

gsdgp, you're not going to change her. Which means the ball is in your court - either find happiness in what you have, or make some needed changes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Surely you knew she was restrained and not like that when you married her. That's who she is. She is not going to be comfortable with that. Women, even wild women, can easily become overwhelmed at times when guys really decide to let the dam break and go on and on about sexual stuff. Because most women are simply not that focused on sex or find it the most important thing and honestly find it weird and a little strange that guys are. Stop making her uncomfortable. It's too much pressure.

[LuckyM]

I agree with preraph. That's just the way she is. She is more private about it.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I sympathize with your wife.

 

I don't like talking about sex. My ex-boyfriend was particularly good at drawing such conversation out of me. Partly because we talked a lot over text, and that makes it easier - but it was still never comfortable.

 

For me, there is no such thing as an unfiltered comment about my intimate sexual preferences. The process of taking my abstract thoughts and feelings and putting them into words IS filtering, and it is absolutely not conducive to building or maintaining my own excitement/arousal. Even just being asked "what do you want?" during sex is enough bring all of my progress toward orgasm to a screeching halt while my brain shifts gears to try to piece words together coherently. There's nothing sexy about it for me. I can't do both at once.

 

I absolutely love sex, but being prompted to verbalize like that takes it immediately outside of the realm of warm/natural sexual response and throws me into the role of performer. It kills all the magic. And has often made me feel like my natural sexual responsiveness and receptiveness isn't enough, like I was obligated to act and talk like a porn star because he was highly acclimated to porn-style "dirty talk."

 

Do you watch a lot of porn, by chance? Have you maybe developed a false sense of what normal is? Have you become dependent on verbal stimulation to the point that it makes your wife feel self-conscious, inadequate, or like she has to sacrifice the quality of her own experience in order to get you off?

 

Some things to think about.

[preraph]

A memory I have is a friend of mine, with me enabling him, I'm sure, got started talking about sexual fantasies, stuff like the old Penthouse letters, which were graphic. Now, I am open and tolerant, but I distinctly remember when I felt he had really crossed a line and was inappropriate. Like, I don't need to know all that. And yet, me not blanching and running out of the room made him like me more and in fact it may be what turned him into wanting more than friendship. It was very uncomfortable, but I'm not the type of person to show it. I just try to keep my cool and think about how to change the subject or say it's time to go or whatever. There are plenty of women for whom it kind of bursts the bubble because it just seems excessive and out of proportion, like to them, that's the most important thing to the man, and it often is. That's not what a lot of women dream of in a man. They like to believe it's more about the heart than it usually is.

 

You just can't make someone who she's not, and I personally feel it's wrong to make a woman feel obligated to serve you sexually and that that is a big turnoff. That should be voluntary on both sides. And also, is sex really something that needs to be discussed in depth? Not for most women. It's not like it's an intellectual conversation.

 

If your wife cared enough about any of it that she was missing one particular thing, I'm sure she'd find a way to let you know, but it probably wouldn't be a big conversation about it. She's just not as interested in the subject as you are.

Edited February 2, 2019 by preraph

[NotADayGoesBy]

I guess it depends on how raunchy you are trying to get with your wife, but my perspective is different because I actually want that kind of exchange with my husband, but it’s just not his thing. I find myself biting back things I’d like to say while we’re having sex because of it. I’ve asked him many times what sexual things he’d like to try and he never has anything to suggest.

 

So I am slowly introducing new things myself without asking first. If talking dirty or sharing fantasies is embarrassing for her, maybe you could ask her if you could share those thoughts with her with no expectations of her sharing back? Maybe she would eventually get more comfortable with it.