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Am I a bad wife?


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My husband and I have been married for about a year now. We've been together for 6 years prior. He always complains about me and I get argumentative and defensive about it. Lately, I had the idea that he was probably right. Am I a bad person? Am I an inconsiderate wife?

 

Both of our families live in the same city and we're both very close to them, which means he wants to see his side and i want to see mine. We try to make it work but there's always tension. He wants everything to be fair and he wants to do EVERYTHING together. I am more independent. I'm fine with seeing my family on my own, going on trips with my friends without him, generally doing things my own way and by myself. I need alone time, not from him specifically but in general. i go to movies and concerts by myself and I enjoy eating out by myself as well. This has caused him to think that I have a problem being a couple. He doesn't want to separate things between the families, or do things his way or mine. He wants to do it TOGETHER. We fight about this topic often.

 

He also has anger issues. It's getting better but he has a history of being overly sensitive and lashing out (verbally). He's punched a wall, screamed at me in front his family, and drove a bit too aggressively while yelling at me. I'm hyper sensitive about this issue so whenever I feel like he's getting angry, I try to put out fires and say whatever I can think of to make him calm down. This means I make promises or apologies I don't wholeheartedly agree to.

 

he's definitely the confrontational type and I tend to flee from problems. This doesn't help in him trying to get me to solve anything or listen to him when all I want to do is run away from the situation.

 

His requests sound very reasonable. He wants me to listen to him. He wants me to put in more effort with his family. And he wants to do everything TOGETHER instead of separating things. It makes it sound like i'm a terrible wife. Am I? I think its healthy to have that sense of independence but to also do certain things together.

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I don't think that you're a terrible wife just because you have a lower need for time spent together. I agree that it's healthy to maintain some independence while in a marriage. However, there needs to be some room for compromise and it doesn't sound like you're interested in that. A marriage cannot be successful with no willingness to meet the other spouse's needs.

 

Your husband's anger issues require the services of a professional. They will be hard to treat if your husband thinks he is somehow justified in acting out his anger. I say this as a woman who has struggled with anger issues for a long time. I had to learn that I couldn't make my husband do anything and I was responsible for my own behavior.

 

His behavior is unacceptable as well as emotionally abusive. Perhaps you are not willing to compromise precisely because your husband can be disrespectful.

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macandch,

 

 

No! no! no!

 

 

This is all wrong.

 

 

Yours husband has anger management issues that could put you in danger - driving aggressively and punching walls is only a preamble to him punching you.

 

 

You say "he always complains about you", he doesn't let you have 'me time', he wants you to be 'joined at the hip'.

 

 

Please see this for what it is - an abusing, controlling relationship where he denigrates you. Is this how you really want to live?

 

 

 

You need to think seriously about leaving this man before you become another statistic.

 

 

I'm sorry x

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Boy, competing issues here...

 

I am more independent. I'm fine with seeing my family on my own, going on trips with my friends without him, generally doing things my own way and by myself. I need alone time, not from him specifically but in general. i go to movies and concerts by myself and I enjoy eating out by myself as well.

 

You don't really give much context here. Are these solo activities once or twice a month? Any more frequently it would seem there'd be an impact on the relationship. If, for instance, my wife wanted to go out and eat by herself weekly when I was available to go with her, would seem like a disconnect to me. Add in solo movies and concerts and I'd wonder why you wanted to be part of a couple?

 

He also has anger issues. It's getting better but he has a history of being overly sensitive and lashing out (verbally). He's punched a wall, screamed at me in front his family, and drove a bit too aggressively while yelling at me. I'm hyper sensitive about this issue so whenever I feel like he's getting angry, I try to put out fires and say whatever I can think of to make him calm down. This means I make promises or apologies I don't wholeheartedly agree to.

 

Not OK. And while it may never progress to where you feel physically threatened, this kind of intimidation is a relationship killer. Since he has his list, you should have yours, and it should include his addressing this through counseling...

 

Mr. Lucky

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You are not a terrible wife, but you two are still learning how to function as a married couple. You need more alone time then he's comfortable with & he wants more togetherness then you want. You both have to give a bit.

 

When he complains, don't get argumentative & defensive. Here him out & calmly decide if he has a point. Even if he's wrong, say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. It wasn't my intent. Do you have a solution?" I'm not saying give in to his every whim, but do listen more & fight back less.

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I think it's healthy to have some independence and do things apart sometimes. I don't think once a week is too often as long as you are doing something fun together just as often. Except for a short honeymoon period I don't think it's healthy to be joined at the hip.

As you and your husband have different desires/needs you will both need to compromise. Sounds like you both have trouble expressing yourselves calmly and thoughtfully so couples counselling would be a good idea.

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His requests sound very reasonable.

There is a difference between staying and listening to him when he is calm and being reasonable, versus putting up with him verbally lashing out at you or punching walls.

It is NOT reasonable to expect you to do the latter, and to put up with his lack of adult communication skills.

 

You are correct that independence (inter-dependence) is healthy, and co-dependence is not. You are neither a 'bad person' nor an 'inconsiderate wife'.

 

Will he consider anger management classes or counseling, or in some way learn to better control his negative impulses? The way he is relating is the problem. You are not the problem.

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This is kind of touchy. It could be that he is simply insecure. It's also possible that this is a prelude to physical abuse.

OP, does your husband do any of the following:

 

 

(a) try to keep you from friends and family either by controlling your time or putting them down?

 

 

(b) does he lash out as your verbally, call you names or engage in other cruel language and then quickly apologize?

 

 

© are his physical outbursts getting worse?

 

 

(d) does his anger ramp up quickly and often for no real reason?

 

 

(e) are his verbal attacks getting worse?

 

 

(f) Does he understand why he gets so angry?

 

 

(g) is he controlling of your time or make fun of your need for some "Alone" time?

 

 

(h) does he get angry far beyond what the situation calls for

 

 

(i) is he becoming paranoid about what you're doing when you're not with him?

 

 

 

(j) is his behavior getting worse over time?

 

 

If any of these apply, I would suggest you really re-evaluate this relationship. Seek counseling on your own and as a couple, as these are all signs that he could become very abusive, both physically and emotionally.

One more thing...until you are sure he's learned to control his anger...please DO NOT have any children. If eh cna't handle the stress of a relationship with just you, how will he handle the stress of kids?

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Turning point

Rage is a tool manipulative people use to keep you inside the lines of their own selfish ends. This may never escalate to physical abuse and yet, over time you will still be seriously diminished by this behavior.

 

Do you feel controlled? Does he act unilaterally on matters that should require disclosure and your prior consent?

 

Is there a stark difference in the way he treats other people? Does the way he treat you change substantially when in public compared to when you are alone?

 

At the very least, rage is a tool to shut you down in a disagreement and is completely unacceptable behavior even if it's not part of a larger pattern of abuse.

 

Also, abusive people don't dress in black helmets and carry a light saber. Every poison they give us will be wrapped in very reasonable explanations and tied up with neat little bows made from pieces of our own hopes and dreams.

 

"The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy." - Martha Stout

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