lilypad10 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 My husband and I are in our mid-30s, no kids. We both have good full-time jobs. In my spare time, I read books about investing, entrepreneurship, and other topics because I am trying to make as much money now in order to retire by 55. He spends most of his spare time playing video games and watching sitcoms. He is not interested in being a part of any of my business propositions. This is causing me much discomfort. It feels like I am committed to goals that are going to further our lives and all he does is sit around being unproductive. I feel like I'm the grown-up and he is a kid at recess all day. Should couples have similar ambitions in life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Couples should have some compatible goals, but ambitions are more personal, IMO. Besides, ambitions can be different but still contribute to goals. It sounds like you are doing things in support of goals, but he is not. That's a problem, so you are correctly perceiving that, IMO. He should pick some areas where he can develop and make contributions, whatever that is. For me, it was always being financially savvy and making good investments and financial decisions. One member of a couple should be good at this, because it makes a MAJOR difference to long term financial success. Usually that same person is good with tax planning and other financial issues. There are other valuable contributions one can make, such as being knowledgeable about health, fitness, and dietary well-being. Complementary skills are great to have! However, it seems that many people only spend their down time of non-productive leisure activities. Some of this is essential, of course - we need time to relax and distract ourselves from daily stresses. If that's ALL we do, then we have no control over our lives - we become victims of circumstance with no agency to make positive changes. Talk to him about it, and ask what he wants for his future and the future of your family. Ask him how those things can be accomplished, working together (even if on different parts of it). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 My husband and I are in our mid-30s, no kids. We both have good full-time jobs. In my spare time, I read books about investing, entrepreneurship, and other topics because I am trying to make as much money now in order to retire by 55. He spends most of his spare time playing video games and watching sitcoms. He is not interested in being a part of any of my business propositions. This is causing me much discomfort. It feels like I am committed to goals that are going to further our lives and all he does is sit around being unproductive. I feel like I'm the grown-up and he is a kid at recess all day. Should couples have similar ambitions in life? I have the same problem. I am very ambitious and my boyfriend who wants to marry me is not as ambitious, and this difference makes me have doubts about marrying him, because I know it will cause conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I don't think it's vital that they have mirrored ambitions, but it probably facilitates better understanding when they're similar. That said, after reading some of your other threads, it sounds increasingly like maybe you two aren't really suited for each other? I know you're in your thirties, but you don't have kids, so if you're finding more and more that a lot of your life and life outlooks don't jive better, maybe it's best to consider splitting up. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I would struggle to be with someone I felt did not want to better themselves in any way, professionally or personally. Coasting through life in your 30s isn't particularly sexy. With that said, is there a particular reason for you to want to retire by 55 and does your husband agree with the idea on principle (and lets you do all the leg work) or would he not mind retiring later? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 well, you two had enough in common to get married. trust me it could be a lot worse, playing video games is innocuous and a lot of men in his generation play them. if I were you i'd count my lucky charms and keep doing your research. it is good that a couple have different interests and hobbies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilypad10 Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 I would struggle to be with someone I felt did not want to better themselves in any way, professionally or personally. Coasting through life in your 30s isn't particularly sexy. With that said, is there a particular reason for you to want to retire by 55 and does your husband agree with the idea on principle (and lets you do all the leg work) or would he not mind retiring later? He hasn't given retirement much thought. He lives life day to day and doesn't concern himself with the future that much. He would be happy to let me do the legwork and stop when I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilypad10 Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 I don't think it's vital that they have mirrored ambitions, but it probably facilitates better understanding when they're similar. That said, after reading some of your other threads, it sounds increasingly like maybe you two aren't really suited for each other? I know you're in your thirties, but you don't have kids, so if you're finding more and more that a lot of your life and life outlooks don't jive better, maybe it's best to consider splitting up. True enough. I guess I just don't know how other couples have worked around something like this. Or maybe they don't. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 He hasn't given retirement much thought. He lives life day to day and doesn't concern himself with the future that much. He would be happy to let me do the legwork and stop when I do. well then you have to take charge and plan retirement for both of you. i'm sure you will do a good job 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 My husband is the retirement planner. He takes things to our financial guy and handles it and I put X percentage of my salary into retirement plans. I’m a LOT more flighty in that regard. But we have common goals and ambitions and are largely on the same page. (I also can’t STAND video games and it would drive me insane if he played them. My sympathies to you there) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 He hasn't given retirement much thought. He lives life day to day and doesn't concern himself with the future that much. He would be happy to let me do the legwork and stop when I do. So how does he contribute (other than financially) to your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Should couples have similar ambitions in life? I think they should have common goals, ie: retire by 55 or sell the house and buy a new one 5 years from now kinda thing. As far as ambitions being in common.. no... You can't expect a husband to be as ambitious about your ambitions as you are, they are your ambitions not his... Because you want to start a business about XYZ you can't expect him to do it with you, you can however expect him to be supportive of you and your ambitions. That doesn't mean you can't have ambitions in common though.. many people do start businesses together and run them together but that is hard to do or they may flip homes together etc etc... Have you talked to him about your goals of being retired by 55.. (a toughie BTW as it's easy to retire but staying retired is harder to do at a younger age) ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 well then you have to take charge and plan retirement for both of you. i'm sure you will do a good job Yep... I'm the planner retirement side of my marriage.... my wife hasn't a care about it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilypad10 Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 I think they should have common goals, ie: retire by 55 or sell the house and buy a new one 5 years from now kinda thing. As far as ambitions being in common.. no... You can't expect a husband to be as ambitious about your ambitions as you are, they are your ambitions not his... Because you want to start a business about XYZ you can't expect him to do it with you, you can however expect him to be supportive of you and your ambitions. That doesn't mean you can't have ambitions in common though.. many people do start businesses together and run them together but that is hard to do or they may flip homes together etc etc... Have you talked to him about your goals of being retired by 55.. (a toughie BTW as it's easy to retire but staying retired is harder to do at a younger age) ? That is definitely true! I have heard it from many and have also seen many psychologically struggle after retiring or even just cutting back on hours. I want to live my life in financial preparation for early retirement. Whether it actually occurs is a different story, but I want it as an option when I get there. Yes, I have talked to him about this goal. He has no problem with it, as he is very much a live and let live type. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilypad10 Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 So how does he contribute (other than financially) to your marriage? That is a thought-provoking question. Well, I don't ask for much so he doesn't contribute much. I am not much of a talker so he doesn't have to do much listening. I don't struggle with day to day life so he doesn't have to do too much emotional support (other than listening to the occasional vent about a coworker). I don't need his money. All I ask for is a bit of time, usually on Saturdays, to hang out. And a vacation here and there. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 That is a thought-provoking question. Well, I don't ask for much so he doesn't contribute much. I am not much of a talker so he doesn't have to do much listening. I don't struggle with day to day life so he doesn't have to do too much emotional support (other than listening to the occasional vent about a coworker). I don't need his money. All I ask for is a bit of time, usually on Saturdays, to hang out. And a vacation here and there. I wish I had married you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 So how does he contribute (other than financially) to your marriage? I think she means, does he maintain the yard? Clean the house? Cook the meals? Take care of the dog? Work on the cars? Does he offset your financial planning contributions by doing other useful or necessary things? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilypad10 Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 I wish I had married you I am not the worst catch! Ha! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilypad10 Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 I think she means, does he maintain the yard? Clean the house? Cook the meals? Take care of the dog? Work on the cars? Does he offset your financial planning contributions by doing other useful or necessary things? Mr. Lucky He does do the yardwork! But I wouldn't say his actions come close to what I am doing for us. Especially when you consider all of the hours I am putting into planning for our future outside of work (3-4 hours every evening with more on the weekends) versus all of the hours he puts into video games and drinking beer with his buddies. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 What I'm hearing is your husband lives life while you're planning to live life. Life is short, 55 is no guarantee. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 He does do the yardwork! But I wouldn't say his actions come close to what I am doing for us. Especially when you consider all of the hours I am putting into planning for our future outside of work (3-4 hours every evening with more on the weekends) versus all of the hours he puts into video games and drinking beer with his buddies. welcome to marriage...thank god i'm divorced 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 What I'm hearing is your husband lives life while you're planning to live life. specially when you consider all of the hours I am putting into planning for our future outside of work (3-4 hours every evening with more on the weekends) Afraid I have to agree with DKT3. 30+ hours a week of financial and retirement planning either means that's your hobby in the same way he enjoys video games and socializing or you've allowed your anxiety over the future to grow to an unhealthy level. I can only imagine his LoveShack post - "I'd like to do things with my wife but can't get her away from her computer and spreadsheets..." Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 I can only imagine his LoveShack post - "I'd like to do things with my wife but can't get her away from her computer and spreadsheets..." :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilypad10 Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 Afraid I have to agree with DKT3. 30+ hours a week of financial and retirement planning either means that's your hobby in the same way he enjoys video games and socializing or you've allowed your anxiety over the future to grow to an unhealthy level. I can only imagine his LoveShack post - "I'd like to do things with my wife but can't get her away from her computer and spreadsheets..." Mr. Lucky It's less retirement planning (it doesn't take that much time to figure out which Vanguard plan to get!) and more actively working on business ventures that could easily include him if he weren't spending his time on leisurely activities. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 You said this in your first post: We both have good full-time jobs. The fact you both chose to spend your leisure time differently doesn't make you right and him wrong. He works full time at a "good job", seems to me your requirement he be entrepreneurial in his off hours is unreasonable. YMMV... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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