How to get my wife's respect back.

[DanJR]

For 7 years pf marriage i have been a pleaser. Ive never really stood up for myself and allowed her to dominate me. She seemed to enjoy my pampering of her fpr years but its slowly turned to hate. She hates me and wants me to change. Her major problems with me are often changing focus but she blames me for everything thats wrong while the only thing she does is cpmplain and criticize and attack. Lately she calls me a coward more and more. I feel shes tested me to stand up to her and ive failed, which made her lose all respect. Now anytime i do stand up she gets so defensive and goes nuclear to crush my dissent. She has obvious major anger depression and anxiety issues. Her whole identity seems tp rely on my being the cause of her problems.

 

She threw me out last night over a tiny issue that got way out of hand. She forgot about a birthday party she waz supposed to take pictures for. I saw the invitation and got us getting ready. I did everything while she woke up and looked at facebook. We had everything together and in the last 5 minutes she becomes very impatient and rushing everyone. We forgot something that wasn't too important. I remembered within 20,seconds and we could have gotten it. It happens all the time and i tried to address that. She says i never address anything and im trying to show her i care and want to work for better. So i said, i hate when we rush fpr the last 5 minutes and forget things. She instantly gpt super defensive and nothing could stop the 40 minute escalation to this kids birthday party, which she blamed entirely on me for emotionally sabotoging her before she goes into public. From this point on she was in a nitpick and attack mode like she does.

 

My question is this. How can i stop being a coward, stand up to my wife, without her going full on nuclear. Maybe that is just a test to see if ill buckle but the longer i hold my ground, the more extreme she gets. I ask her what i can do all the time but she doesn't tell me anything that helps me. Its driven me crazy and only made me weaker. The thing she says she hates the most. I think pms is hugely related but her narrative never changes. Only the intensity. She will not look inward what so ever, while claiming shes more introspective than most. How can i succeed with her??? Ill do anything. Trying to be what she wants has only betrayed me. Im so confused and tired. How do i chsnge our dynamic?

[S2B]

When you divorce her she will realize you’re sick of her abuse.

 

Seriously, no one should put up with her crappy behavior.

 

 

Sounds like she may be cheating.

 

Does she work? Can she support herself?

[PRW]

For 7 years pf marriage i have been a pleaser. Ive never really stood up for myself and allowed her to dominate me.

 

My question is this. How can i stop being a coward, stand up to my wife, without her going full on nuclear. Maybe that is just a test to see if ill buckle but the longer i hold my ground, the more extreme she gets. I ask her what i can do all the time but she doesn't tell me anything that helps me. Its driven me crazy and only made me weaker. The thing she says she hates the most. I think pms is hugely related but her narrative never changes.

Yea, you have horribly become a weak beta/pleaser. You have made her who she is.

 

Get Corey Wayne's book, "How to be a 3% Man". That is the only hope I see.

[DanJR]

Shes capable of working but she wont. I begged her to get an income for 2 years. The week i got a second job(i work 6 to 2, and 3 to 7) she ranted at me saying shed rather be the one out of the house for 15 hours a day. I wasnt too surprised but damn. Its crazy making. She cannot support herself and our kids, which she won't give up. Seems like a bargaining chip. One time she told me to leave and i said you should go instead so she left. I felt so relieved. But she came right back. Its basically a situation where she professes she would burn everything down to hurt me. Lately shes into sleep deprivation to make my life harder. I feel confident if i did leave she would turn her emotional baggage to my children. Her whole identity seems to be of a victim whos not gonna take it anymore. I fear leaving because she may just follow through on her threat to put everything she has into destroying me. Im not too vulnerable, but my kids are.

 

I dont think shes cheating. She would rub that in my face. Shes threatened a bunch of times and tells me shell send me video. Then 2 nights later were having crazy sex for hours. We had a great week. Better than most. Saturday night i dozed off at about 1130and she got really mad. She complains about me dozing off without saying goodnight, and ive done much better. Generally staying up until our entire nightly routine is done and saying goodnight. But anytime i repeat a behavior shes talked about before, she throws the kitchen sink at me. She tells me i dont care and wont admit that i dont care so i cant improve.

 

I do agree ive turned her into a monster by acting like such a doprmat. Enabled her selfishness to grow into expectation and unnappreaciation. I want to know how to change this dynamic.

 

I havent heard about that book before. Ill check it out. I read no more mr nice guy and tried to get into a mens group and she became so threatened and mad thst i cant learn from her. All abuse signs i know. Im dedicted and am willing to sacrifice anything if i can fix this. I just wdont know how.

 

Thanks for the comments. Feel free to be harsh, i need t9 know what im doing wrong. I already know shes not right but i cant change her behavior. Only mine.

[S2B]

So she doesn’t work yet YOU work TWO jobs?

 

And she treats you like trash?

 

Sheez, I have no idea why guys think this is love!

 

Divorce her. She’s dragging you down while she makes YOU work harder and harder.

 

Some women just use men - she seems like one.

[BaileyB]

I fear leaving because she may just follow through on her threat to put everything she has into destroying me.

 

I cant change her behavior. Only mine.

 

How do you get her respect back? It’s simple, file for divorce.

 

Sir, her behavior is emotionally abusive. You have stayed and allowed it to continue for years. No, you can’t change her... but, she is going to have no reason to change if you continue to stay and tolerate this kind of behavior. Who cares if she respects you, have enough self respect to say to your wife - “I will not allow you to use me, belittle me, and threaten me anymore...”

[Marc878]

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF.

 

At this time you are her doormat. That won't last long. She will eventually replace you. Your current persona is unnattractive.

 

The second thing is why would you stay with someone who obviously doesn't give a damn about you?

[Mr. Lucky]

I already know shes not right but i cant change her behavior. Only mine.

 

DanJR, the title of your post is misleading, simply because this has nothing to do with affecting your wife's behavior.

 

This is about you and your choices, including choosing to endure this hostility and treatment for years. You can't fix her, you only get to be in charge of DanJR and what he does with his life. So unless you're willing to sign up for more years of name calling, belittlement and toxic unhappiness, time to do what you should have done long ago.

 

Talk to a lawyer and get some advice, you'll want to do some things proactively. Work on creating a safe space for your kids, they'll need you going forward. Time to act like you believe you deserve better than this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The Dude Abides]

Dan, buddy, did you marry my Ex ? :eek:

 

I urge you to just imagine what it would be like to have a wife who doesn’t act like this. A wife who loves you, doesn’t mistreat you, who does things for you (two way street of course, with you doing things for her). A wife who is nice to you and enjoys spending time with you. A wife who doesn’t tear you down but intstead helps to build you up in those areas where you need a hand. In short , imagine a wife who is on your team, working WITH you rather that against you.

 

Is there any chance that your wife can learn and want to be this way for you?

 

If not, why would you continue to live this way?

[Marc878]

Dan,

 

You've made yourself a prisoner. You have your jail cell key in you hand.

 

Use it !!!!!

[S2B]

And YOU have the ability to decide that you do deserve better and you can also DO something to change things.

 

When you divorce her she will realize she’s gonna have to workyo get by in the world.

 

You can go back to working one job since you won’t have her dragging you down all the time.

 

You win when you eliminate the negative influences in your life (your wife).

 

How you can call what you have “love” is beyond me.

[Cullenbohannon]

There is a doormat and then there is the dirt underneath the doormat. A doormat can change. When you sink so low that you post to a forum and then sigh and go back to life as normal, then you are the dirt. The divorce recomendation floats thru your ears.

 

But as long as you will stay, might as well try to turn the tables. So what is good? The sex? Ok, lets start there.

 

Dominate her in the bedroom. Get a blindfold and some rope. All that she gives you, give it back to her when the doors close. Dont ask, just do it. Pop a pill if neccessary and make sure you remind her where her place is.

 

And the next time she goes off on you, simply smile and let her know the price will be paid later.

 

Guys like you dont leave. But you can play the game to a certain "satisfaction". She is testing you. Test her. See how far you can push the rabbit.

[Cullenbohannon]

My wife wants to ask a question. When she threw the other guys in your face, what was the dynamic during those crazy nights of sex? Were you angry? Or did she lovingly and softly comfort you?.

 

She tested you.

 

Your wife is either cheating or she is a closet sub.

[d0nnivain]

If this was a JOB of hers it was incumbent upon her to be ready. You did her a huge favor.

 

When she started carrying on I would have calmly said: "This was your JOB, not mine. I saved your ass by even getting you here. The fact that you forgot something is on you, not me. I don't work for you. I do not deserve to be treated like this. I'm going home. You can take an Uber back." Then I would have left.

 

You have no respect for yourself. Of course she doesn't have any respect for you. When you stop acting like a door mat she will stop walking all over you.

[elaine567]

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF.

 

He already did that.

I read no more mr nice guy and tried to get into a mens group

[stillafool]

If you really want her respect - since she threw you out DO NOT GO BACK no matter what. Make her beg for you back and then tell her your rules to come back. If she accepts fine, if not don't go back. She will respect you.

[S2B]

If you read the book how much of it did you put into action?

 

There’s a difference between reading and doing.

[Turning point]

I don't think your problem is a lack of respect from your wife.

Your wife has turned her own lack of self respect into a weapon.

Just, stop volunteering to be the crash test dummy.

 

Let her solve her own problems, resolve her own emotions. Stay out of it!

 

What she's doing with this drama is psychologically cutting you down to her size.

 

- "the upstanding guy working two jobs can't even get me to wake up on time for the birthday party!"

 

Seriously? How is this your shortcoming? She's your wife not your daughter. Time for her to grow up, and for you to start giving her some time-outs.

[marriage counselling]

family and marriage counseling is very important

http://moshaverebama.com/

[S2B]

Any update?

[anika99]

OP, you're wife sounds mentally or personality disordered to me, possibly borderline. If that's the case she is NEVER going to respect you and you are never going to be able to change how she behaves. You need to stop being a doormat for your own mental health but doing so will not change your wife's behaviour.

 

Your wife would treat any man the same way. A strong man would dump her ass the moment she started her ****, a weak man would stay and try to please her or change her. There is no possibility of a strong man being with your wife because she doesn't want a strong man and a strong man would not put up with her.

 

Unfortunately you're married to her and share kids which makes it much more complicated.

You have to take care of yourself. Right now your life is so full of your wife's drama and abuse that you can't see the forest for the trees. Start reaching out for help. Posting here was a good first step but you may want to consider some counseling for yourself. Start setting some boundaries at home. Stop taking responsibility for your wife's issues. You might want to read a book titled "Stop Walking on Eggshells" It's a book for people dealing with someone who has borderline personality disorder but even if your wife is not borderline it has some good info on setting boundaries and protecting your own sanity.

 

The bottom line here is that your wife is never going to change unless she gets professional help which it's highly unlikely she will. You have to decide if you can hack this misery until your kids are grown.

[Turning point]

Your wife would treat any man the same way.

 

I agree and we should remind him that it doesn't typically start out this way, Even the personality disordered are often smart enough to know they have to "make the sale" to get the other person locked in.

 

People inevitably compare a happy past to the present not catching on soon enough that the latter is the only real thing about the relationship,

Edited February 1, 2019 by Turning point