LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

I think I'm in an abusive relationship and I don't know how to get out


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

Like Tree6Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 30th January 2019, 11:20 AM   #16
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 1
I'm not a therapist, but this relationship sounds definitely toxic, and if he thinks there's nothing wrong with him I suspect narcissistic tendencies (lack of empathy, lack of desire to change, etc.) Narcissists are usually created as a result of a bad childhood, so that checks out, too. I grew up with a family member like this and it was very damaging and took a long time for me to get over it and find my own self worth again. You should check out some YouTube videos on narcissists to see if it explains your husband.

I definitely relate to that sympathy that it's not their fault, but at the same time, these people never really change. So this really boils down to what kind of life and relationship you want for yourself and the kids.

If a big obstacle is feeling overwhelmed by how intertwined your lives are, I think you could read through stories of people separating out of complicated relationships. Once you see more and more that it's possible, what kinds of obstacles you might encounter, you can begin to strategize in your mind what your journey may look like and prepare. Maybe see a divorce lawyer for a preliminary consultation - just getting advice doesn't require any commitment.

I wish you all the best and remember that you deserve happiness and love and security.
Ellie B. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 12:07 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Rayce's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 322
Just because someone suggest researching domestic violence services does not mean they are saying call the police. Domestic violence services are for all types of abuse including emotional. The title of her thread states she in in an abusive relationship and doesn't know how to get out. She can research online and find lots of information. I was just providing a suggestion.
Rayce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 12:51 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: United States
Posts: 371
Quote:
Originally Posted by jessnicole View Post
I should have clarified by abusive...emotionally/mentally abusive rather than physically abusive.

I know what I need to do.
I'm going to look into some counseling. I know I need to take action for myself and my kids.
Individual counseling for you is an excellent plan. Sometimes it's necessary shop around a bit for the right counselor so, if necessary stay with your intention even if you don't stay with a particular provider.

My experience being married to a toxic or disordered person is that their most negative traits amplify even what small bit of those traits we have in ourselves. I don't think we lose our identity but it shifts and adapts in response to the connections we have with who and what surrounds us. Feeling that we're becoming a person we don't want to be is a clue to how toxic our present connections may be.
Turning point is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 5:20 PM   #19
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 4
Yes, we've tried marriage counseling. We did it a few times, then he said he didn't want to go anymore because "nobody else will be able to fix our problems".
jessnicole is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 5:25 PM   #20
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 24,174
Well, the first step is for you to start working as much as possible and saving your money. Don't let him take it or use or anything. Work and save and get a career going, and then go to an attorney and get a divorce. Since you have grown kids, you can work two jobs. It takes two jobs to get by a lot of time, just one full-time and one maybe 15-20 hours a week on your nights or days off and that extra job helps.

I am assuming he has already rejected himself going into psychological counseling to improve himself?
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 5:31 PM   #21
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 4
Ellie B, I've actually done a little bit of research on narcissism and from what I've read, he definitely has a lot of those traits. Unfortunately, I'm pretty convinced that people like that tend to always be like that, no matter what. I feel like I give and give and give, and get nothing in return. I have given so much of myself to him to try to make him happy, and it's never enough. I know I'm to blame for allowing this to happen for so long. It's just so very hard to break away from something that I've invested so much of my time and heart into.
I will say, this is the first forum I've ever been a part of though, and the advice that's been given to me has been very helpful. It makes me feel like there is possibly an end in sight. That as scary as it is, other people have gone through it and come out on the other side a better person. So I can't say enough, truly thank you to everyone for the advice. I can't explain how much it's really helping me.
jessnicole is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 5:33 PM   #22
Established Member
 
bathtub-row's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,904
Read the book I suggested. Itís very powerful.
bathtub-row is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 9:11 PM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: United States
Posts: 371
Quote:
Originally Posted by jessnicole View Post
Yes, we've tried marriage counseling. We did it a few times, then he said he didn't want to go anymore because "nobody else will be able to fix our problems".
If his narcissism is indeed an issue then those words tell us a lot:

"Our problems"
He has enjoined you to a problem you must solve, a soul to be rescued.

"Nobody else"
This is all on you Super Girl. Go ahead, make my day..

"Will be able"
He won't allow it. Notice he didn't "can" because, we all know there is a world full of people who "can" solve problems but, he has "willed" this one to persist.

He needs these "problems" to control you. It's working really well, too. It's all about him and you nearly feel helpless. What a perfect perpetual cycle he's got going.

Consider him more like "lights on - not home" and detach a bit. Try to change your perspective to see this as a problem for him.

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." - Wayne Dyer

I'm not really into new age stuff but, Dr. Dyer was simply making an observation about how action and perception each have a momentum than influences the other.

Smile at yourself in the mirror each day. Compliment and admire yourself for being so together, even if just by comparison. The more kindness, care, and basic gratitude you extend to yourself right now - the more clearly you'll start to see his manipulation and victim game. The more power and conviction you'll have for change.

Last edited by Turning point; 30th January 2019 at 9:15 PM..
Turning point is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I'm still in love with my abusive ex and I don't know how I'll ever get over him shiningbrighteyess Breaks and Breaking Up 5 26th May 2014 1:18 AM
Double standard of abusive parents and abusive spouses Maddy Family 7 25th June 2013 8:48 PM
Broke out of "abusive" relationship, but don't feel like I did the right thing? That_girl Coping 41 15th April 2011 2:44 PM
Question for women who have dated abusive and non abusive men betamanlet Dating 3 6th January 2010 1:37 PM
Boyfriend is abusive and I want out, but don't know how! Shellie41 Abuse 11 4th October 2003 6:31 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:01 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.