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Mutual friend professed his love


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My husband has always wanted a rule where if one of our friends/family members tells us something in confidence, we shouldn’t tell each other. And our friends know we have this rule, so they sometimes confide things in one of us and they can trust we won’t tell anyone, even each other. It rarely gets invoked, but occasionally something comes up.

 

Recently one of our best friends emailed me confessing his love for me. He said he had been struggling with wanting to confess these feelings for over a year, and that he had tried moving on many times because he didn’t want to mess up my relationship (and my H and I have a 4 year old son), and ruin our friend group. He said every time he had tried to move on, the thought preventing him from starting the healing process was the thought that maybe I feel the same way, and he’s making a mistake by not telling me. He said he wrote the email just to have the certainty that I don’t feel the same way, so that he could begin the healing process. He asked me to please keep it between us and he could move on, everything would go back to normal.

 

I responded that I’m fully committed to my husband, love him dearly, sorry he’s been hurting, etc. At the time, I felt really bad for him and promised not to tell my husband (my initial reaction was that my husband would not want to know anyway).

 

Now it’s been a day and I’ve had some time to think. It is extremely difficult not to tell my husband. Mainly because I always want his advice. But now after having time to think, I think there is a moral issue with not telling him. As much as our friend claimed he didn’t want to come between us, the bottom line is that if I would have responded that I reciprocate his feelings, he would have wanted to break up our relationship. I’ve gotten more angry with him over the last day.

 

I don’t know what to do. I think I need to tell my husband. But once I tell him, I can’t untell him. This friend of ours is an extremely close friend. Pretty much every vacation we’ve taken over the last few years, he’s been with us (along with a few other friends). We do pretty much everything together. On top of that, he works for my husband and they are entangled financially.

 

But I don’t want my husband to be unwittingly around someone who essentially tried to break up his marriage. However there’s also the “keep confidences” rule. And I love our friend (in a friendly way). I just don’t know.

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Couple of things -

 

- I think your agreed upon rule is a mistake, simply because it creates situations just like this. If you and your husband are a team, secrecy shouldn’t divide you.

 

- your friend is an immature fool. Send an email professing my love for my boss’s wife? For a whole lot of reasons, not very likely...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think it's possible he may just be making all that up to test your relationship because he's heard about this deal you made. Here's what I think you should do because it keeps your deal with your husband but it also prevents him from doing anything further. Don't tell the friends you're not telling your husband. Tell him, if you bring this up again or do anything else on this matter, anything at all, I will definitely tell my husband.

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By not telling your husband you’re essentially cheating on him. Because he the friend.! which is no friend to you or to your marriage.! Keeping this away from your husband is pretty much participating in deceit against him. Why would you show loyalty to this [man] over your husband. That does not make sense, so you need to inform him now.

 

 

! forget about what rule you’ve had and what he asked you to do. If you choose to not tell him Well you have me in engaged in conspiring against your own husband. To make matters worse he deals with him on a professional level, I can’t even believe you’re asking about this.? Which affects your family as a whole.! So I take it you’re going to tell your husband.? And do not try to tickle truth him tell him absolutely every aspect of it, anything from the past that you might’ve flirted or done with this guy.?!

 

 

Please Tell him everything Let’s face it this guy just didn’t come out of the blue and profess his love I’m sure there’s some transgressions on your part that would’ve let him believe he had a shot with you.!? anything you keep from him your conspiring against you and your family as a whole.

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What would you want your husband to do if the roles were reversed? That would probably be the way I made my decision about whether to tell or not.

 

Your friendship with this guy won't ever be the same, he's wrong, things just can't go back to normal.

 

Since you told him you wouldn't tell I probably would go back to him and let him know you've decided you can't keep it from your husband (if that's your decision). No, you don't owe him that but personally I would let him know.

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Your loyalty lies with your husband not this friend. Write the friend. Tell him that you can't keep this confidence & that you will be telling your husband because you will not allow the friend's unrequited feelings to poison your marriage. Then back off from the friend & come clean to your DH.

 

I disagree that not telling your husband is cheating. However it is a secret that will erode the foundation of your marriage so don't keep it.

 

I have a similar "rule" with my friends' kids. Everybody knows the kids can come talk to me & I will generally keep their confidences unless it's something I deem the parents should know. If I think the parents ought to know I tell the kid that; we talk about it & I set a time by which the kid has to tell the parent or I will. I do offer to be there & sometimes the kid prefers I be the one who break the news. For example one of my friend's daughters came to me & asked for help telling her dad that she didn't want to follow in his footsteps & go to medical school. Rather, her vision was veterinary medicine. Daddy disapproved so I talked to him & then she did She's now applying to vet school. In contrast I kept her sister's secret about her 1st kiss. Mom & Dad think that milestone happened about 3 years later with a different boy.

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I have a different opinion than most. This guy's feelings, and the fact that he told you, are his problem. He didn't choose to catch feelings for you, it just happened. It's unfortunate and sad for him. It doesn't make him an evil person, so no need to be angry. The only part he had any control over was confessing it to you, and if his feelings are strong even that might not have been controllable. He's not making a play or harassing you. He's going to deal with it on his own. So it's relatively simple as it stands. It can probably be compartmentalized.

 

If you tell your husband it's going to become complicated. You husband will probably not be able to help feeling angry, which means that both the friendship and business-financial aspect will collapse and someone's livelihood may be affected. Worse case is that your husband may not be able to help but to project some suspicion or anger onto you (for being a temptress, the loss of a friend, complications in the business, etc.). Feelings have a way of bleeding across boundaries even when we don't want them to.

 

Since you all have the agreement, it removes one aspect of your decision making. You don't have to debate an ethical dilemma, only the practicality and outcomes. As you pointed out, once he's told you can't untell, but until then you still have that option if you decide it's necessary. I'd at least consider keeping that option open.

 

I do think it will be hard for the three of you to socialize until he's gotten over it, and that could be a long time or never. So I think he probably has to quit going on the vacations and hanging out at your house. Other than that, things could remain mostly unchanged.

 

I think this also depends on how evolved your husband is emotionally. If he's got a huge jealous streak or is very judgmental, then you have to weigh how it might affect your marriage if he were to discover the secret some other way and blame you for not telling him... but that's not my assumption based on what you've said. If he were to figure it out later, and could appreciate that you were trying to protect his friendship and business relationship, and that you did not reciprocate the attraction and told the guy that... something to think about.

 

I'm not saying don't tell. I'm saying look at it from both sides before deciding. I don't see it as a black and white kind of thing, but obviously there are many who do.

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There is zero way I would NOT tell my husband this.

 

This is not a “friend” - this is someone who is attempting to break up your marriage.

 

I’d toss him directly under the bus and cut all ties with him.

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Telling your husband with sensitivity is key. Don't attack or accuse. Make sure your husband knows 1). you shut it down hard & immediately; 2). you don't share the guy's attraction; 3). you love your husband and 4). you hope DH can control himself not to punch the guy in the face.

 

Then just distance yourself from the friend. If you all end up somewhere together like at a party but cordial but stick close to your husband, be flirty with your husband & stay on the other side of the room from the friend.

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I would suggest that your decision to tell your husband or not depends on where your stronger loyalty lays - with your your husband or with this “friend.”

 

And I agree with the others above, this man is fool to make this declaration when he has so much to loose...

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I think it's quite outrageous for the guy to profess his love for you. I'd tell my husband and distance myself from him, but keep things cordial. Your husband should keep everything straightly business and professional with him, until the finance stuff gets resolved between the two of them.

 

There is no way you and your husband can still be friends with this guy. Just demote him as an acquaintance.

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To the person who suggested I have flirted or behaved inappropriately: I have never flirted or engaged in any behavior with our friend that would lead him to believe I am interested or unhappy in my marriage. My relationship with my H is the kind of thing most people dream of having, and I think I make this clear. My friend and I chat a lot, mostly about abstract things and science. I’ve never talked negatively about my H and he is very close friends with my H and knows our relationship is great. I would be 100% fine with my H reading through our entire text/email history and would not be even the slightest bit worried.

 

I AM guilty of believing that we could be just friends. I’m friends with many of my H’s male friends, we have a large extended friend group that includes many single guys (because of my H’s profession) and an increasing number of couples. I had gotten secure in the fact that because I’m with my H, I could get relatively close with them without worrying too much. I was clearly wrong. I should not have allowed myself to get as close with the friend as I did. And now I’m second-guessing my relationship with his other friends too. It sucks.

 

The reason for the rule is this: my H believes that when his friend from middle school calls for advice about a deeply personal issue, there’s no reason he should have to tell me about it. And if one of our close friends has a personal issue they’d feel more comfortable sharing/getting advice from a woman, they shoukd be able to talk to me without worrying about my H knowing. I think this is a really good thing in general. We have the close confidence of a group of great friends and some things are personal and should be kept.

 

I got a little freaked out last night and told my H. In this moment I feel I made the wrong choice but we’ll see how it progresses.

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I think your husband's rule about confidentially applies more to subjects that don't touch & concern your marriage. Some friend's disclosures about the friend's choices is personal to the friend. Here the info could affect your marriage & your husband has the right to know the friend who is crushing on you is more like the fox who should be kept out of the henhouse.

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Then just distance yourself from the friend. If you all end up somewhere together like at a party but cordial but stick close to your husband, be flirty with your husband & stay on the other side of the room from the friend.

I wish this were possible. It’s hard to explain without getting into more details than you likely want, but if we distanced ourselves from this friend, it would be impossible without making clear to all of our other friends that we have had a huge falling out. Everyone would notice. It would be a nightmare for us and the friend.

 

And we both do still care very much about the friend. He’s been depressed for a while about this (I’ve known he was depressed, just not sure why). I think he would be in a really bad spot if all of this came to light.

 

To everyone:

 

This is not a “loyalty to my husband or the friend” situation. My loyalty is to my husband. The question is how to best proceed in a manner that leads to the least suffering for everyone involved. My friend is NOT a bad person and I don’t appreciate the “POS” references. He is young, and he’s never been in love before. He doesn’t understand what he did, and he doesn’t understand the spot he put me in. I think in 10 years with a few relationships under his belt, he wouldn’t dream of doing this and would have known how to respond when he found himself in this situation.

 

Emotions are hard, we’re all just making our way the best we can.

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How did your husband respond?

 

I got a little freaked out last night and told my H. In this moment I feel I made the wrong choice but we’ll see how it progresses.
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You can distance yourself without making it obvious. Don't call him. Don't invite only him over to your house. Try not to sit next to him. You can be chilly without making overly obvious. Plus, seriously, he insulted your marriage. It's OK to step back.

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You can distance yourself without making it obvious. Don't call him. Don't invite only him over to your house. Try not to sit next to him. You can be chilly without making overly obvious. Plus, seriously, he insulted your marriage. It's OK to step back.

 

I respectfully disagree. You should make it crystal clear that you can no longer be his friend.

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I got a little freaked out last night and told my H. In this moment I feel I made the wrong choice but we’ll see how it progresses.

 

And... what was his reaction? Anger, jealousy, compassion and understanding?

 

Is he going to confront the friend? Unfriend him?

 

Why are you now thinking you made the wrong choice?

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Is he going to confront the friend? Unfriend him?

 

Won't this part be even more awkward?

 

On top of that, he works for my husband and they are entangled financially.

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think your husband's rule about confidentially applies more to subjects that don't touch & concern your marriage. Some friend's disclosures about the friend's choices is personal to the friend. Here the info could affect your marriage & your husband has the right to know the friend who is crushing on you is more like the fox who should be kept out of the henhouse.

 

This is exactly what I see as well. When something like the message you received begins a wedge between you and your husband, then i definitely involves him. He needs to know. You made the right decision.

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Unfortunately this is how many affairs start. Professed love, secrecy and denial. You were well on your way, I think its troubling that you waffled over telling your husband.

 

In the end you did the right thing, its really is a loyalty issue between your marriage and your friend.

 

Also troubling is your need to defend and protect your friend, and not recognize his intentions.

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Unfortunately this is how many affairs start. Professed love, secrecy and denial. You were well on your way, I think its troubling that you waffled over telling your husband.

 

In the end you did the right thing, its really is a loyalty issue between your marriage and your friend.

 

Also troubling is your need to defend and protect your friend, and not recognize his intentions.

 

Sorry but you’re quite off base here. There was 0% chance this would turn into an affair. I’ve never entertained thoughts of being with anyone but my husband, and I know very well the process of how affairs start. It’s not a loyalty issue between my marriage and my friend. If I had been sure that my husband would prefer to know, I would have told him in an instant. The only reason for the waffling is that I was genuinely unsure if he would prefer to know.

 

I think if you reread my OP, you will see that I fully recognize my friend’s intentions. I just also recognize that he’s human and can still be a good person despite this. It isn’t a black and white situation. Also complicated by the fact that we are entangled financially with him, we can’t just cut him off.

 

I’ll get back later once I figure out my husband’s reaction. We haven’t had much chance to talk yet. I’m still unsure whether he’s half I told him or not. He tentatively agreed last night that it was probably the right move.

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Okay, this younger guy works for your husband. But I don’t see how a boss is financially entangled to his subordinate. Has your husband owed him unpaid salary or something? This guy should have prepared to get another job when he decided to profess his love for you, even if you have kept it secret.

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Denial, that is what you are not seeing. Yes, he is human, yes you may not be interested but what if you were? what if you found him attractive. What if you marriage was in a low place? Your waffling and agreement with this other guy would have allowed an opening to get attached.

 

Your husband's reaction is irrelevant in term of telling him being the right thing to do or not. Some guy hitting on you as you get gas is something maybe you dont tell your husband. His friend and employee is 100% a must tell.

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I think if you reread my OP, you will see that I fully recognize my friend’s intentions. I just also recognize that he’s human and can still be a good person despite this. It isn’t a black and white situation.

 

When good people act badly, we still need to hold them at arm's length. Your friend's actions indicate a lack of respect for both you and your marriage as, it's one thing to feel this way, but quite another to drop the **** in the punchbowl by telling you in writing.

 

I'm surprised you're not more angry with him...

 

Mr. Lucky

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