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How can I improve my marriage?


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Married 20 years. I don't really want to divorce - it's better for the kids if we stay together, life is easier for all, I don't want to hurt my husband, I don't want to leave the house I built or financial security.

 

Do I love him? I don't know. I certainly care about him and respect him, but I don't really have many positive feelings towards him. I know he's a great person. He still has the qualities I loved him for, I just don't feel it.

 

We don't fight or have major issues. He is sweet, hardworking, caring etc. But increasingly I don't want anything to do with him. I don't crave his company or affection. I almost cringe inside when he kisses me on the cheek. We spend most of our time apart and I'm happiest when he's out of the house. He spends a lot of time tutoring our son, for which I am grateful but I can't stand the sound of his voice (usually annoyed) floating across the house.

 

I think as my loving feelings have waned my tolerance has too, and the more annoying and unattractive he seems the less loving I feel. Is there anyway to stop this downward spiral?

 

I had us go on a fun outing recently. It showed me that we are stuck in certain patterns of behavior and ways of thinking and reacting toward each other that will not be overcome by a few 'date-nights' or outings.

 

I think we are too far gone to get back the 'spark' but I wish I could lose the negative feelings toward him.

 

I have not told him how I feel as I don't want to hurt him. For the same reason I don't want to go to relationship counselling as it would surely be pointless without admitting my feelings.

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What about individual counselling for yourself, to share your feelings and explore what you want for your life. Do these feelings affect the rest of your life, or are you unhappy only with you husband and in your marriage?

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Definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result.

 

Do you think he is happy or ignoring that he isn't happy for the same reason you share for not saying anything?

 

Do you think training your kids to live like you is good for them?

 

You want things to change but are willing to take no risks to get what you want.

 

 

Hmmmmm...

 

 

Perhaps you can get some help for yourself and find out what is bothering you about him. His looks, has he gotten weak minded and demure? What have you done to contribute to the behavior he is exhibiting? You can change yourself but if he is going to change, it will have to be his choice, but how will he ever know he should think about it?

 

If you just wait, you will leave and he will not know why because you said nothing...yet you are worried about hurting his feelings. It sounds more like you are trying to avoid feeling guilty.

 

Your expectations are not being met, are his? Find a way to work together where you aren't blaming him.

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Lucky-girl - Do I love him? I don't know. I certainly care about him and respect him, but I don't really have many positive feelings towards him. I know he's a great person. He still has the qualities I loved him for, I just don't feel it.

 

Is your problem that you no longer have the spark or the passion you had when you first married? That feeling rarely lasts, with luck it will turn into respect for the his character, appreciation for what he has done for you and your children in the past and comfort in your life together. I think you need IC to find out why you cringe when he kisses you; you have given no comprehensible reason for this reaction. Your husband must be feeling a certain coldness in your relationship, and this must be eating at him.

 

I am guessing that you are in your forties. Read some of the other postings by women in your age group on LS; you will find that many of them have a difficult time dating and forming a long term relationship. Given that you have an inexplicable repulsion to your husband indicates that you may have this same problem if you divorce. You really should have some IC to discover the root of your problem. Good luck and whatever you do I hope that your life becomes happier than it is right now.

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Married 20 years. I don't really want to divorce - it's better for the kids if we stay together, life is easier for all, I don't want to hurt my husband, I don't want to leave the house I built or financial security.<snip>

 

I give you two months in the dating world and you'd crawl back to your husband.

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Hi Lucky Girl does your having a lover whom you love deeply but who does not love you back have anything to do with your revulsion of your husband? The fact is that you are being indescribably selfish by hanging on to this marriage for just the material things that it provides while holding your husband hostage in a relationship which is dead as a dodo. If you are so repulsed and resentful of your husband take your courage in your hands and file for divorce after having a long talk with him where you lay out your feelings and your utter resentment of him and about being repulsed by him. I think that will be enough for him to let you go as no man wants to have his ego insulted so cruelly or have himself disrespected so blatantly. In doing so you will do both of you an immense favour so that both of you can lead happy lives with others. Just ponder on this. Best wishes.

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To answer your question what you can do to improve your marriage is make an appt with a Marriage counselor for yourself. They will let you know if and when it would be good for your husband to attend. Get the needed help figuring out what is going on within yourself and the 'whys' to how you found yourself feeling like you do. It would be very beneficial to your family.

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Where do the negative feelings come from? You have to address that if you have any hope of overcoming this.

 

If you aren't ready for counseling I recommend 2 pop psychology books: The Care & Feeding of a Husband and the Care & Feeding of Marriage. They are a little old fashioned & very misogynistic but at bottom they are about appreciation.

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Where do the negative feelings come from? You have to address that if you have any hope of overcoming this.

 

If you aren't ready for counseling I recommend 2 pop psychology books: The Care & Feeding of a Husband and the Care & Feeding of Marriage. They are a little old fashioned & very misogynistic but at bottom they are about appreciation.

 

I like those books.

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Some food for thought there.

 

A little more info for clarification:

 

If my husband and I did split I would not be wanting a new husband. I long to live alone.

 

To address my lack of sexual desire for him, two years ago we agreed on an open marriage and each took lovers. My dislike of affection from my husband is not a general aversion to touch or sex. I guess my aversion to cuddles and kissing from/with my husband is that they are gestures of love and intimacy which I don't feel for him. This predates the open marriage by many years, though it is mostly getting worse with time.

 

I am annoyed by my husband's mess, noise and habits but they aren't going to change so I have to find a way to tolerate them the way I did when we were first married (it's easy when you're in love).

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I am annoyed by my husband's mess, noise and habits but they aren't going to change so I have to find a way to tolerate them the way I did when we were first married (it's easy when you're in love).

 

Or don't. There is another choice, that will allow you to live a happier and more authentic life.

 

It's entirely your decision...

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been reading some of those books recommended.

 

The author is a firm believer in wives putting their husband's wants above all else - for example, if your job takes up so much of your time or energy that you can't dote on him, cook for him and be there whenever he wants you, give up your job (it's not as important as staying married). Or, if you're too tired to have sex as often as he wants it, it's your obligation to become healthier so you're never too tired to fulfill his desires.

 

She also advises women who have any complaints about their husband to just shut up and accept them because they married them with their faults so they have no right to ask their husband to make any changes.

All the while it seems to be all about the changes wives must make to worship their husband.

 

urgh!

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To address my lack of sexual desire for him, two years ago we agreed on an open marriage and each took lovers. My dislike of affection from my husband is not a general aversion to touch or sex. I guess my aversion to cuddles and kissing from/with my husband is that they are gestures of love and intimacy which I don't feel for him. This predates the open marriage by many years, though it is mostly getting worse with time.

 

While I think this is the elephant in the room, 99% of us (including me) really can't give you much advice simply due to the unusual dynamic of your relationship.

 

Can't see how IC could hurt and might bring some sorely needed clarity to your situation. I'l just point out, the more pieces you've added, the less happy you've been...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I warned you that the books were misogynistic. I also suggested you read them with an eye toward a message of appreciation. Follow them like some sort of sycophant recipe at your own peril.

 

My husband doesn't communicate. He's just too stoic. Drives me up a wall. This morning I was asking Qs about a possible opportunity for him at work when he snarled "You are giving this more thought then I am." A nasty retort was on the tip of my tongue but I bit it back & remembered at least he was there talking to me & on his way to a good job he enjoys. So I let it go. You are not giving your husband those courtesies any more.

 

Happiness comes not from getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

 

You don't want your husband. That is abundantly clear. I'm not in your marriage but I personally don't believe in open marriage. I think the idea that you are getting your sexual needs met elsewhere is further destroying your marriage.

 

If there's mess, get a housekeeper. It's really not that hard.

 

You do have choices: stay & accept things as they are; stay complain & be miserable or get a divorce. I understand you want option #4: stay, have your husband somehow disappear, be neater & you get to have your lovers with no consequences but life doesn't work that way.

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I warned you that the books were misogynistic. I also suggested you read them with an eye toward a message of appreciation. Follow them like some sort of sycophant recipe at your own peril.

 

My husband doesn't communicate. He's just too stoic. Drives me up a wall. This morning I was asking Qs about a possible opportunity for him at work when he snarled "You are giving this more thought then I am." A nasty retort was on the tip of my tongue but I bit it back & remembered at least he was there talking to me & on his way to a good job he enjoys. So I let it go. You are not giving your husband those courtesies any more.

 

 

Ok I sort of get that but how much damage are you doing to yourself here by biting your tongue and forever "letting it go" to accommodate your "stoic man"?

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Ok I sort of get that but how much damage are you doing to yourself here by biting your tongue and forever "letting it go" to accommodate your "stoic man"?

 

 

I'm not forever letting it go. I bit my tongue this morning because my husband wasn't ready to talk about it. It was one instance. We'll circle back to the topic.

 

Plus on some level the subject of his job is actually none of my business. He has a great job, that he loves, that pays well & provides for our family. His boss just got transferred & I wanted to know if he was going to apply for the boss's job. At the end of the day my husband's professional ambitions are HIS, not mine. If was unemployed & sitting on the couch, that would be a different story.

 

My point to the OP & I guess to you, is that in a marriage you have to chose your battles. Plus you have to respectful of the other person's valid choices. If my husband doesn't want to be a "big boss" who am I to push him into a job that will make him unhappy?

 

What good would have come out of me starting an argument this morning on the way to work?

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if your job takes up so much of your time or energy that you can't dote on him, cook for him and be there whenever he wants you, give up your job (it's not as important as staying married). Or, if you're too tired to have sex as often as he wants it, it's your obligation to become healthier so you're never too tired to fulfill his desires.

 

Yes. Why not? Not all the time of course but she's saying stop focusing on your needs and look at it from your husbands POV.

 

Marriage is about the union not about the self. If you only want to think of yourself get divorced.

 

It really is that simple.

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May I offer the suggestion that you turn your attention away for a time from what you find so loathing about your partner and instead, look within to what may be your own self-loathings? Have you compromised things in your life that now feel unauthentic to you?

 

Partner's are perfect mirrors that reflect our inner workings, and often become easy targets of blame that broadcast parts of ourselves we have become dissatisfied with. Re direct your disdain for him and see what you no longer like about yourself first, and proceed from there. Getting some space--and I'm not suggesting separation in anyway-- to take some "psychic" or mental space to do some soul searching, however way you can find that space, and work through this growth period your Self is asking for.

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Yes. Why not? Not all the time of course but she's saying stop focusing on your needs and look at it from your husbands POV.

 

Marriage is about the union not about the self. If you only want to think of yourself get divorced.

 

It really is that simple.

 

Not sure how I gave the impression that I don't make any effort to make my husband happy or that I only think of myself.

I could do more of course but I don't see how devoting myself to only serving his happiness is supposed to make me feel more loving toward him. Giving up my hobbies and job to become the 50's ideal housewife would only make me resent him and being married even more.

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Not sure how I gave the impression that I don't make any effort to make my husband happy or that I only think of myself.

I could do more of course but I don't see how devoting myself to only serving his happiness is supposed to make me feel more loving toward him. Giving up my hobbies and job to become the 50's ideal housewife would only make me resent him and being married even more.

 

I certainly never suggested that you do that. What I was trying to get across is that you need to give more weight to the things you do like & appreciate about him. Those good things may help counter-balance the bad & save your marriage.

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You are not giving your husband those courtesies any more.

 

Happiness comes not from getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

 

If there's mess, get a housekeeper. It's really not that hard.

 

You do have choices: stay & accept things as they are; stay complain & be miserable or get a divorce. I understand you want option #4: stay, have your husband somehow disappear, be neater & you get to have your lovers with no consequences but life doesn't work that way.

 

Why do you assume I'm not giving my husband any courtesies?

 

We can't afford a housekeeper.

 

"Happiness comes not from getting what you want, but wanting what you have." This is exactly what I'm aiming for - to want what I have.

My choice to stay and try to improve things not make my husband disappear. What's wrong with that?

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I made assumptions based on your Q. If you have compromised & he's not willing to meet you half way, you still have to focus on what you do have control over: Yourself & your choices.

 

You say you can't afford a housekeeper . . a housekeeper is still cheaper then a divorce. Shop around, even if the housekeeper comes in once per month it may reduce your stress

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Why do you assume I'm not giving my husband any courtesies?

 

We can't afford a housekeeper.

 

"Happiness comes not from getting what you want, but wanting what you have." This is exactly what I'm aiming for - to want what I have.

My choice to stay and try to improve things not make my husband disappear. What's wrong with that?

 

What's wrong with it? The reason why you want to stay, is what's wrong with it. You stay because it makes your life easier, it's no benefit to your husband who could instead be searching for a woman who doesn't want to try to love him, but just does.....oh by the way, isn't going to happen while you're in love with someone else.

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My choice to stay and try to improve things not make my husband disappear. What's wrong with that?

 

I guess lucky-girl, many of us don't understand the point of your thread.

 

You've walled off your husband, who's having (or had) sex with someone else. You're involved with someone else, whom you've predictably developed feelings for, intermittently unrequited.

 

And you want to know how to improve your marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

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