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How can I improve my marriage?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 11th January 2019, 10:22 AM   #16
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I warned you that the books were misogynistic. I also suggested you read them with an eye toward a message of appreciation. Follow them like some sort of sycophant recipe at your own peril.

My husband doesn't communicate. He's just too stoic. Drives me up a wall. This morning I was asking Qs about a possible opportunity for him at work when he snarled "You are giving this more thought then I am." A nasty retort was on the tip of my tongue but I bit it back & remembered at least he was there talking to me & on his way to a good job he enjoys. So I let it go. You are not giving your husband those courtesies any more.

Ok I sort of get that but how much damage are you doing to yourself here by biting your tongue and forever "letting it go" to accommodate your "stoic man"?
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Old 11th January 2019, 10:41 AM   #17
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Ok I sort of get that but how much damage are you doing to yourself here by biting your tongue and forever "letting it go" to accommodate your "stoic man"?

I'm not forever letting it go. I bit my tongue this morning because my husband wasn't ready to talk about it. It was one instance. We'll circle back to the topic.

Plus on some level the subject of his job is actually none of my business. He has a great job, that he loves, that pays well & provides for our family. His boss just got transferred & I wanted to know if he was going to apply for the boss's job. At the end of the day my husband's professional ambitions are HIS, not mine. If was unemployed & sitting on the couch, that would be a different story.

My point to the OP & I guess to you, is that in a marriage you have to chose your battles. Plus you have to respectful of the other person's valid choices. If my husband doesn't want to be a "big boss" who am I to push him into a job that will make him unhappy?

What good would have come out of me starting an argument this morning on the way to work?
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Old 11th January 2019, 10:42 AM   #18
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if your job takes up so much of your time or energy that you can't dote on him, cook for him and be there whenever he wants you, give up your job (it's not as important as staying married). Or, if you're too tired to have sex as often as he wants it, it's your obligation to become healthier so you're never too tired to fulfill his desires.
Yes. Why not? Not all the time of course but she's saying stop focusing on your needs and look at it from your husbands POV.

Marriage is about the union not about the self. If you only want to think of yourself get divorced.

It really is that simple.
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Old 11th January 2019, 12:31 PM   #19
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May I offer the suggestion that you turn your attention away for a time from what you find so loathing about your partner and instead, look within to what may be your own self-loathings? Have you compromised things in your life that now feel unauthentic to you?

Partner's are perfect mirrors that reflect our inner workings, and often become easy targets of blame that broadcast parts of ourselves we have become dissatisfied with. Re direct your disdain for him and see what you no longer like about yourself first, and proceed from there. Getting some space--and I'm not suggesting separation in anyway-- to take some "psychic" or mental space to do some soul searching, however way you can find that space, and work through this growth period your Self is asking for.
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Old 13th January 2019, 11:32 AM   #20
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Yes. Why not? Not all the time of course but she's saying stop focusing on your needs and look at it from your husbands POV.

Marriage is about the union not about the self. If you only want to think of yourself get divorced.

It really is that simple.
Not sure how I gave the impression that I don't make any effort to make my husband happy or that I only think of myself.
I could do more of course but I don't see how devoting myself to only serving his happiness is supposed to make me feel more loving toward him. Giving up my hobbies and job to become the 50's ideal housewife would only make me resent him and being married even more.
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Old 13th January 2019, 11:37 AM   #21
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Not sure how I gave the impression that I don't make any effort to make my husband happy or that I only think of myself.
I could do more of course but I don't see how devoting myself to only serving his happiness is supposed to make me feel more loving toward him. Giving up my hobbies and job to become the 50's ideal housewife would only make me resent him and being married even more.
I certainly never suggested that you do that. What I was trying to get across is that you need to give more weight to the things you do like & appreciate about him. Those good things may help counter-balance the bad & save your marriage.
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Old 13th January 2019, 11:41 AM   #22
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You are not giving your husband those courtesies any more.

Happiness comes not from getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

If there's mess, get a housekeeper. It's really not that hard.

You do have choices: stay & accept things as they are; stay complain & be miserable or get a divorce. I understand you want option #4: stay, have your husband somehow disappear, be neater & you get to have your lovers with no consequences but life doesn't work that way.
Why do you assume I'm not giving my husband any courtesies?

We can't afford a housekeeper.

"Happiness comes not from getting what you want, but wanting what you have." This is exactly what I'm aiming for - to want what I have.
My choice to stay and try to improve things not make my husband disappear. What's wrong with that?
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Old 13th January 2019, 11:48 AM   #23
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I made assumptions based on your Q. If you have compromised & he's not willing to meet you half way, you still have to focus on what you do have control over: Yourself & your choices.

You say you can't afford a housekeeper . . a housekeeper is still cheaper then a divorce. Shop around, even if the housekeeper comes in once per month it may reduce your stress
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Old 13th January 2019, 11:58 AM   #24
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Why do you assume I'm not giving my husband any courtesies?

We can't afford a housekeeper.

"Happiness comes not from getting what you want, but wanting what you have." This is exactly what I'm aiming for - to want what I have.
My choice to stay and try to improve things not make my husband disappear. What's wrong with that?
What's wrong with it? The reason why you want to stay, is what's wrong with it. You stay because it makes your life easier, it's no benefit to your husband who could instead be searching for a woman who doesn't want to try to love him, but just does.....oh by the way, isn't going to happen while you're in love with someone else.
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Old 13th January 2019, 7:13 PM   #25
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My choice to stay and try to improve things not make my husband disappear. What's wrong with that?
I guess lucky-girl, many of us don't understand the point of your thread.

You've walled off your husband, who's having (or had) sex with someone else. You're involved with someone else, whom you've predictably developed feelings for, intermittently unrequited.

And you want to know how to improve your marriage?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 19th January 2019, 11:30 AM   #26
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In short, you simply fell out of love with your husband.

And as someone who always strongly advocates for the belief that 99,99% the success / failure rate of a relationship depends on the GUYS, I don't blame you for not having able to control your emotions the way you want them to, but I blame your husband for letting you fall out of love with him.

The first thing I strongly advise you to do, is to get this book by Corey Wayne, "How To Be A 3% Man", which helped open my eyes as well as bettering my relaationships.

In this book, Corey Wayne has an entire chapter explaining the most common error men tend to make is that they allow themselves to get complacent and lazy in a long term relationship/marriage, to the point they complete stop being the very guy who their women fell in love with in the beginning, and this gradually kills their relationship.

Instead, Corey stresses that the "courting" simply NEVER ENDS, which I agree. The courting is like "food" for love to survive, so it shouldn't stop just because the man successfully marries his woman, which - unfortunately - is a very common problem.

And just give your husband this book. Tell him you love him, you still want to salvage this relationship but you can't help feeling what you are feeling now. But you have researched and found your answers in this book, and tell him that if he loves you and wants to improve the relationship, he should (and must) read the book.

While waiting for the book to arrive, you can check out Corey Wayne's Youtube channel, starting with this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMO2aq_X9Wc

The fact that you still took the time and effort to make this topic communicates you DON'T WANT TO COMPLETELY fall out of love with him. And that you STILL WANT to HELP him. And this shows that you are a caring and loving woman who is craving for 100% masculine energy inside your husband. And this is something that has been under-appreciated by most posters in this topic.

And I am sure you and your husband are sleeping in seperate rooms now, and that you stopped having sex a long time ago.

As much as it hurts me to see someone of my gender (a man) is in this kind of situation, but he has only himself to blame.
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Last edited by thaygiaogiang; 19th January 2019 at 11:32 AM..
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Old 19th January 2019, 11:50 AM   #27
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None of this has to do with 3% man or any of that garbage.

You guys decided on an open marriage without fully weighing the potential consequences and this is the outcome.

You need a marriage therapist or a divorce.
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Old 19th January 2019, 12:13 PM   #28
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So much hatred in your comment. And again, so quick to tell people to just "divorce".

@OP: The book I'm suggesting costs a lot less than a "therapist" with 100x times better the result.

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Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
None of this has to do with 3% man or any of that garbage.

You guys decided on an open marriage without fully weighing the potential consequences and this is the outcome.

You need a marriage therapist or a divorce.
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Old 23rd January 2019, 12:03 AM   #29
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Thanks thaygiaogiang, so nice to get support rather for a change.
I'll have a look at that book but honestly I don't think it's my husband's fault. He is still the very caring, loving, affectionate, generous, selfless man I fell in love with. I guess it's just too easy to take the good stuff for granted when you get it every day. He was very messy and unattractive when I married him but you overlook those things when you're in love but they get more annoying the less in love you are and the longer you live with them. Like the saying, familiarity breeds contempt.

My lack of loving feeling toward my husband is not a consequence of our open marriage. It's been open for 2 years. I fell out of love with him many, many years ago. Falling in love with someone else has simply made me more aware of what is missing in my marriage.

I am going to see a counsellor.

By the way, I don't think staying in the marriage and working on it is selfish. If I only considered my feelings I would probably leave, but I believe my husband and children would be happier if I stay and work on it rather than give up and walk out. We don't argue so it's not like it's a toxic environment for the kids. And I know my husband would rather be with me than alone.
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