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Accepting the [sexual] situation [in my marriage]..


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very familiar story here.. We get along well with house chores and taking care of kids.. but..Wife has lost all interest in physical relationship, etc. have asked her about a open relationship to save the marriage, or me going on adventures.. she is very reluctant , stuck between a rock and hard place. i keep myself fit, and have high sex drive... it is very frustrating. any ideas?

She says her hormones causes to be not interested.. and the activity itself can cause heart health issues.. overall she has almost zero drive..

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Thanks for response, yes i would agree on that. She also has hypothyroidism and is on medication for that. She says that is also the cause for her not interested

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I am doing the same to my husband, even though I also have a very high sex drive. For me it's because I don't enjoy it with him. First, it's that emotional connection, if it's not there, he could be doing acrobatic acts in bed - and nothing will work. And second, once overall interest is there, it's the actual technique... knowing and exploring what she likes. So that next time, her memory of the experience is a positive one, and she can want more of the same in the future, and soon!

 

Also, her own self-confidence and comfort in her own body is key. Does she for some reason think she doesn't look attractive? Does she feel comfortable having her body explored, and doing the exploration. What can you do to help with that.

 

From my own experience, one bad incident, can really do a lot of damage. Where the desire to experience the same really diminishes to the point where your own body betrays you.

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Where the desire to experience the same really diminishes to the point where your own body betrays you.

 

Couldn't we same the same about one's desire to go to work? Or the discipline needed to stay on a diet? Or one's need with small children to sublimate their own wants to those of your family?

 

In most of those cases, we'd urge the non-performer to be mindful of the impact on themselves and others. And perhaps even be critical of the lack of willingness to engage. So the advice to the OP to diagnose and fix this himself seems misplaced. And, given his wife's position, most likely unproductive...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Eternal Sunshine

I really don't understand why men stay married to women like this. I see sex as a part of "marital contract". For women, desire doesn't need to be there. Desire to please her partner should make her compromise.

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I really don't understand why men stay married to women like this. I see sex as a part of "marital contract". For women, desire doesn't need to be there. Desire to please her partner should make her compromise.

 

I've made the point about most men in sexless marriages being among the most loyal. I guess its because most bolt early on when sex isnt satisfactory.

 

Tanchik, you lack the desire to desire your husband for obvious reason for anyone familiar with your story. I'm not getting that his wife lacks to want to. Not the same.

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very familiar story here.. We get along well with house chores and taking care of kids.. but..Wife has lost all interest in physical relationship, etc. have asked her about a open relationship to save the marriage, or me going on adventures.. she is very reluctant , stuck between a rock and hard place. i keep myself fit, and have high sex drive... it is very frustrating. any ideas?

She says her hormones causes to be not interested.. and the activity itself can cause heart health issues.. overall she has almost zero drive..

 

 

It is interesting that you posted this in the "Infidelity" section rather than the "Marriage" section. Are you thinking of cheating as a solution to your problem?

 

Your problem may be a good reason to get marriage counseling or even divorce but it is not an excuse to cheat.

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Couldn't we same the same about one's desire to go to work? Or the discipline needed to stay on a diet? Or one's need with small children to sublimate their own wants to those of your family?

 

 

Really, you are going to equate it to going to work, or sticking to a diet?

 

The desire to fix it should e there, yes. But you can't fake the desire to have sex.

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Tanchik, you lack the desire to desire your husband for obvious reason for anyone familiar with your story. I'm not getting that his wife lacks to want to. Not the same.

 

How do you know there isn't the same reason?

 

My husband could've posted the exact same thing.

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I really don't understand why men stay married to women like this. I see sex as a part of "marital contract". For women, desire doesn't need to be there. Desire to please her partner should make her compromise.

 

Why shouldn't the desire be there for women??? I don't get that at all.

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I believe your answer lies in what you do leading up to the act of having sex.

 

You are obviously unhappy with the situation and there is no one size fits all for any relationship dynamic so you may need to experiment and keep an open mind. One things for sure, accepting will only exacerbate the issue as people like to feel in control of their happiness.

 

One thing you could do is think about other aspects in your life to come up with a solution as it may help to give you a different perspective. For example, have you ever been sick of going to work every day performing the same tasks for the sake of feeling obligated to do it? How could you change your mindset and make it more interesting? You could drive into work using a different route, set new goals for yourself in terms of how you perform your work, go out for lunch instead of eating in.

 

Is there anything routine that you are doing leading up to sex? What type of things do you do that might trigger the thought of it ending the same?

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ShadeOfGreen

Hopefully your wife's reasons aren't excuses, and she's being open and honest with you. As someone else mentioned, many times lack of sex drive towards a partner is due to something else like a missing emotional connection, built up resentment, or the sex just isn't good for them. Do you two talk about your relationship outside of sex? Are there unresolved issues? Does she have needs not being met?

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I really don't understand why men stay married to women like this. I see sex as a part of "marital contract". For women, desire doesn't need to be there. Desire to please her partner should make her compromise.

 

Depends on the couple. We've always had an agreement that both parties need to be into it to have sex. We would both be really uncomfortable with a partner who's basically servicing us.

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you have provided lot of good info. She is very conscious about her body, she is overweight, but that is not an issue for me. She is also shy personality and not comfortable being naked or even with swimwear sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am doing the same to my husband, even though I also have a very high sex drive. For me it's because I don't enjoy it with him. First, it's that emotional connection, if it's not there, he could be doing acrobatic acts in bed - and nothing will work. And second, once overall interest is there, it's the actual technique... knowing and exploring what she likes. So that next time, her memory of the experience is a positive one, and she can want more of the same in the future, and soon!

 

Also, her own self-confidence and comfort in her own body is key. Does she for some reason think she doesn't look attractive? Does she feel comfortable having her body explored, and doing the exploration. What can you do to help with that.

 

From my own experience, one bad incident, can really do a lot of damage. Where the desire to experience the same really diminishes to the point where your own body betrays you.

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The only thing I can suggest is she see a hormone specialist and get a hormone panel and be sure her hormones are regulated.

 

If she's self-conscious, then of course, keep the lights off. These may be excuses, but if she hasn't seen a doctor to try to fix it, she should. But if they're excuses or just getting older, she may need something emotionally. You can have too many physical problems to want to have sex even if you have a sex drive, though. But a lot of it is just the brain in women.

 

Ask her if she feels she's done all she can do as far as seeing doctors. Ask her if she feels it gives her anxiety.

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The desire to fix it should e there, yes. But you can't fake the desire to have sex.

 

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that the OP isn't as good looking as DiCaprio, as smooth with the sweet nothings as Cyrano and not a Casanova-level lover. Maybe some days he's actually grumpy and tough to live with.

 

Any spouse looking for reasons to not have sex could find fertile ground. And it somehow becomes the OP's duty to figure out why, meet 100% of her needs and hope for the best from there. And this has nothing to do with gender, the roles are sometimes reversed.

 

Few things more destructive...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that the OP isn't as good looking as DiCaprio, as smooth with the sweet nothings as Cyrano and not a Casanova-level lover. Maybe some days he's actually grumpy and tough to live with.

 

Any spouse looking for reasons to not have sex could find fertile ground. And it somehow becomes the OP's duty to figure out why, meet 100% of her needs and hope for the best from there.

 

And as a solution to this problem, I highly recommend the book Where Did My Libido Go? By Dr Rosie King. It's a book aimed at women who want to figure out what's going on.

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How do you know there isn't the same reason?

 

My husband could've posted the exact same thing.

 

I dont believe his wife is cheating, that makes a huge difference. That makes thier issues more fixable. Yes your husband could post this, but the reality of his situation would make him appear foolish since the issue is entirely unrelated to him and 100% on you.

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op,

does your wife know how serious this has become for you? When you've talked to her about it, have you been explicit and clear?

 

This is a suggetsion. It may be awful, it may be great. I do hope it helps you.

 

 

I would sit down with your wife somewhere private and comfortable that's not your bedroom. If you both enjoy a glass of wine, pour some. When you are both feeling relaxed, explain to her just how important the sexual part of your marriage is to her. Let her know that you have even become desperate enough to seek advice on line, and that this could be a breaking point for you.

 

Give her some time to absorb that, and once you feel ready, ask her for her input. Skip the "why" for now, and ask her what she needs from you to feel comfortable in having sex with you. Explain to her that you are not interested in the living equivalent of a blow up doll, you want to be with her because she wants to be with you. Her enjoyment is a top priority for you, and you are willing to go at her speed, so long as there is progress.

 

 

Once you have said your piece, give her a bit of space to process what you have told her. Odd as it may sound, give her a time frame if you feel it will help ( e.g.- tell her you are going to go for a walk, and when you come backing about half an hour, you'd like to hear what she has to say).

 

If she is willing to open up, really listen to what she has to say. I can relate to the self esteem part, as due to reasons beyond my control, I look like help right now, but my husband still thinks I'm beautiful. Does your wife now that you think she's beautiful? Do you tell her, so, no strings attached?

 

If she still can't come up with any answers, try asking her about the reasons she's already given, but couch the discussing in terms of " I know this is an issue for you...what can we do to address it?".

 

A friend of mine was in a similar situation to you and your wife. She was a young mom, dead tired and her husband wanted sex. Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, but the two of them handled it badly. He was trying to be sensitive, so he kept dropping hints. She put him off, and he kept hinting. It got really out of hand really fast, but what worked really well for them was to sit down, step back and try and work together. Their fix? She agreed to sex at least twice a week at first, and cuddling, etc. as well. He agreed to give her a bit more space, and they tried out their plan. I don't know if it would work for others, but it worked for them.

 

 

op, I can tell you love your wife and hope that you are the man with the integrity I think you have. Please don't cheat. You'll hurt your wife and also, you'll hurt yourself.

 

 

 

( please excuse any errors or typos...it's a bad night and 4:20 time)

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Open marriages are for those who are adventurous and want to explore other options. Both are on board and trust and jealousy issues are well discussed beforehand and transparency is key to the success.

Women in conventional marriages tend to not want to explore other men, they get forced into accepting open marriages and it tends to end badly.

 

Also men in open marriages may have great difficulty sourcing willing women whereas women in open marriages can get inundated with offers, That can cause trouble for the man as it was often his idea and the previously reluctant wife can suddenly turn into a great fan of the open marriage...

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I dont believe his wife is cheating, that makes a huge difference. That makes thier issues more fixable. Yes your husband could post this, but the reality of his situation would make him appear foolish since the issue is entirely unrelated to him and 100% on you.

 

By "same thing" I was referring to how she may feel.

 

I also would think that this issue is "more fixable" when there are no actual medical reasons behind non existent sex drive.

 

You obviously have a personal vendetta against affairs, which is understandable given your history. But OP never mentioned an affair, and neither did I. nor is this thread about me. What I described in my post can apply to any woman regardless of an affair. Let's leave my (percieved) issues out of this. Thanks!

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By "same thing" I was referring to how she may feel.

 

I also would think that this issue is "more fixable" when there are no actual medical reasons behind non existent sex drive.

 

You obviously have a personal vendetta against affairs, which is understandable given your history. But OP never mentioned an affair, and neither did I. nor is this thread about me. What I described in my post can apply to any woman regardless of an affair. Let's leave my (percieved) issues out of this. Thanks!

 

You invited it by comparing the situations....I stated I dont think his wife is having an affair so at least in part her situation is far different from yours because there is no replacement, no one she is comparing her husband too, rather issues that likely have a solution and or compromise.

 

Btw everyone should have an issue with affairs in general. Maybe if they did we would be setting a better example for those who follow.

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