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Old 8th January 2019, 10:24 PM   #1
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She doesn't want time alone?

I've tried unsuccessfully to get my GF#1 to spend a night out with me. I'd like to take her to dinner, and overnight at a hotel just the two of us, or maybe bring GF#2 along as well and be a trio like we were before we moved in with my husband a year ago. My husband has done this with me twice in the last few months, and with our complicated relationship it is a wonderful thing to be able to reconnect.

I've brought up the idea with GF#1 several times, but she doesn't seem interested. She likes staying home. She says things like "Won't that cost money?" or "but we already have so much food right here" and "I just don't sleep well on those hotel beds." She insists that she is most comfortable in our own bed at night and hanging out around the house.

Is she just too content to do anything new? Or has she lost interest in our relationship in the middle of everything else?
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Old 8th January 2019, 10:32 PM   #2
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She is apparently satisfied with your relationship and doesn't feel there is a need to spend time alone to reconnect. Maybe she's just in a hibernation mode and just wants to stick close to home right now - I have those times.

Tell her it kind of concerns you she isn't showing any interest in time alone together and see how she reacts.
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Old 8th January 2019, 10:40 PM   #3
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Major... GF#1 is the one I worry about in your "poly" relationship. Was she the one that liked drinking and your husband locked up all of the alcohol?? I dislike that her "free will" has been taken away from her and I worry if she is truly happy or just scared to "rock the boat" and upset your husband.

What do you think?? Is GF#1 truly happy or just scared of losing the roof over her head if she "bucks the system"??

I may have some follow-up questions...
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Old 9th January 2019, 12:52 AM   #4
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Major... GF#1 is the one I worry about in your "poly" relationship. Was she the one that liked drinking and your husband locked up all of the alcohol?? I dislike that her "free will" has been taken away from her and I worry if she is truly happy or just scared to "rock the boat" and upset your husband.

What do you think?? Is GF#1 truly happy or just scared of losing the roof over her head if she "bucks the system"??

I may have some follow-up questions...

The drinker was GF#2....we ended up reaching a compromise on that so she's not upset (that's a whole separate story). GF#1 is usually happy and content. The group dynamic seems to work for her, as she initiated our poly situation in the first place.

Hibernation may be a thing - GF#1 is not into cold weather at all. But it has been warm here lately, so that isn't much of an excuse. Our bed is her nest, and she lives in it with her laptop quite a bit while she's working (she's a designer).
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Old 9th January 2019, 2:23 AM   #5
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Oh... OK, I got the GF#1 and GF#2 confused. So my working theory isn't valid.

Can I ask about GF#2, is she doing OK?? Is she happy?? I'm glad a compromise was worked out. I hate to see anyone's "free will" taken away from them. She is an adult and if she enjoys an adult beverage now and then, she should be allowed to have it. Personally, I like a cold Guinness now and then and I wouldn't want someone taking that away from me.

If GF#1 doesn't like the cold, I get the "hibernation" action, that could be it. How does GF#1 feel about you being pregnant again?? Is she jealous?? Does she feel like she is losing you to your husband??

Is there any friction between GF#1 and GF#2??
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Old 9th January 2019, 8:04 PM   #6
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Oh... OK, I got the GF#1 and GF#2 confused. So my working theory isn't valid.

Can I ask about GF#2, is she doing OK?? Is she happy?? I'm glad a compromise was worked out. I hate to see anyone's "free will" taken away from them. She is an adult and if she enjoys an adult beverage now and then, she should be allowed to have it. Personally, I like a cold Guinness now and then and I wouldn't want someone taking that away from me.

If GF#1 doesn't like the cold, I get the "hibernation" action, that could be it. How does GF#1 feel about you being pregnant again?? Is she jealous?? Does she feel like she is losing you to your husband??

Is there any friction between GF#1 and GF#2??

GF#2 is her usual perky self, and she and GF#1 are inseparable as always. It was GF#1 who convinced me to bring GF#2 into our home a long time ago.

I think GF#1 got over her irritation with the first pregnancy. She was surprised and a bit jealous, but bonded to my daughter almost immediately. She's as possessive and territorial as any mother, and she's looking forward to more kids. She did mention, however, that her big regret is that she can't have kids with me. She would love to get me pregnant, but that is kind of tough since we are both female She seems very aware of that limitation.

I know that people relate to their partners in different ways. For me, I like spending time with people I love. GF#1 doesn't seem to be that way all the time. She's crazy for physical affection and we sleep next to each other every night, I'm just feeling like she doesn't really want to hang out.
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Old 9th January 2019, 8:32 PM   #7
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Is she just too content to do anything new? Or has she lost interest in our relationship in the middle of everything else?
sounds like both to me m_m
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Old 9th January 2019, 10:17 PM   #8
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Do you think GF#1 and GF#2 want to leave the "poly" situation and be with just one another (exclusive of you)??

Could either one of them be tired of your husband or wife #1, wife #2 or soon to be wife #4??
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Old 9th January 2019, 10:58 PM   #9
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Do you think GF#1 and GF#2 want to leave the "poly" situation and be with just one another (exclusive of you)??

Could either one of them be tired of your husband or wife #1, wife #2 or soon to be wife #4??

I kind of doubt that. GF#1 and Wife #1 have a lot of passion between them, which is a big reason that she came up with the idea for me and my husband to get together and us to join our formerly separate households. The whole poly idea originated with her. GF#2 and Wife #2 are good friends. The only frequent squabbles are between me and Wife #1, and GF#2 and future Wife #4.
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Old 9th January 2019, 11:47 PM   #10
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Well that all sounds in order...

The only thing left to do would be to take GF#1 someplace private (in the house) and have a one on one with her. Touch base, if you will... Make sure everything is OK with her. Give her "the floor" and allow her to openly discuss the matter (or lack there of) with you.

I know GF#1 is very important to you, but keep in mind you have a daughter and another one on the way and those two babies have to take priority over everything else. So you can't let the situation with GF#1 stress you out too much.
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Old 16th January 2019, 9:32 PM   #11
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I got my alone time....not in the way I expected. I fell at work last week and struck my head on a metal counter. So, I've been in bed most of the time. Doctor ordered me to rest for 10-14 days before doing any kind of work. GF#1 has stuck to me like glue, and our conversations have been good. I think our relationship is solid, she's just got some discontent about gender issues and fitting into the family and our community. Minor stuff and easy to address, but it gets her down.
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Old 17th January 2019, 1:59 AM   #12
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I got my alone time....not in the way I expected. I fell at work last week and struck my head on a metal counter. So, I've been in bed most of the time. Doctor ordered me to rest for 10-14 days before doing any kind of work. GF#1 has stuck to me like glue, and our conversations have been good. I think our relationship is solid, she's just got some discontent about gender issues and fitting into the family and our community. Minor stuff and easy to address, but it gets her down.
Hope you didn't get a concussion!

There's been a lot of changes in your and their lives (baby, marriage, moving etc) in the past year so it could just be still adjusting to sharing and living with more people.

From you've said it doesn't seem like she's lost interest, she seems (for now) more of a home body and honestly would rather stay home and eat than spend money and go out.
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Old 17th January 2019, 9:25 PM   #13
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Oh yeah, I got a real good concussion. Slight memory loss, lots of headaches. I had to get an MRI, and was told to stay away from looking at screens or thinking too much for a while.

You're right about GF#1 being a homebody. I guess she really does like it here and doesn't see much reason to leave. The entire time I've been in bed resting, she's been next to me. When she's doing her work, she's got her headphones on so she's not distracted, but she's still next to me. Nobody else has spent as much time sitting with me as she has.
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