Toxic fights - Do I stay? How to my partner improve his communication skills?

[ManifestLove]

Hi all,

 

This is my first time posting here. I stumbled across this website and really appreciate the general positive advice in this community.

 

My boyfriend of 3 years is lovely in so many ways, but fighting and communication skills are NOT his strong point. In fact, they are terrible, destructive points. Life is mostly good together, but every so often (once a month? every other?) we have fights - that bring down the house. These fights are so destructive, they threaten the relationship each time. I know it takes two to tango, but he is terrible with 1) being specific 2) staying on topic 3) not name-calling. I have my fair share of issues with escalation because these things piss me off so much, and he gets so mean. We also had some power dynamic issues due to me making far more $ than he does, and his general lack of responsibility (paying bills, cleaning), which are *sort of* improving. He has put forth some effort.

 

I will try to describe the current fight -

This past autumn he became very good friends with a girl at work. They began playing music together and spending a lot of time together. Naturally, my jealousy started kicking in. I thought I handled it in a decent manner, by telling him it made me jealous, and we worked through it (I never once told him to stop hanging out with her, I value autonomy and would expect the same). Since then, we have all hung out a couple of times, which were fine. We hung out all together this past weekend, had drinks. I felt like a third wheel the entire night - they were talking and telling inside jokes that I didn't know, and at the end of the night played music together while i sat on the couch - not involved. Seeing their compatibility and feeling left out made me jealous, once again. I told him "you should just be with her". An admittedly terrible thing to say, stemming from my own insecurities, wanting reassurance.

 

The next day he had to work and we casually texted a bit - when i brought up that I felt slighted the night before, he then twisted it to me and told me how pissed and hurt he was at me for what I said. He did not specify why it hurt him, nor did he acknowledge my perspective (feeling left out, etc). It escalated more because I was so angry that he was vilifying me - and why did it make him so mad? Did I strike a nerve? (He has always stressed that I have nothing to worry about, and I believe him, but maybe he does have feelings?). Not only that, but he TOLD her that I said that, which further alienates any chances of us being amicable, and fans the flame. (Further, he's gone to her and told her about our relationship issues in the past - which i am uncomfortable with).

 

It led to the point where he said he "needed space". He didn't come home that night (Sunday), and we haven't talked at all today (Monday). Where was he? Her house! - not only that, but I left for a business trip on Monday and won't be back until Friday. To me the fact that he wouldn't work it out, or talk about it with me in person before I left is a huge slap in the face, and feels like he just threw everything away. It feels like it should be a deal breaker, but I'm not sold.

 

(I could be a huge idiot but I really honestly don't think they are physical. "Emotional" cheating perhaps, though I'm not sure what I think about that concept. Also, he has some questionable drinking habits that add to the mess of his behaviors.)

 

 

So! Advice?

 

1) I'm considering breaking up with him - but we have so much love. It would be such a shame for our relationship to end. BUT I can't do these fights anymore. In the beginning I would cry and chase him and allow it to get to me but it has eroded me to the point where I sometimes shut down in fights. Am I disrespecting myself by allowing my relationship to continue in this way? I don't feel ready to break up with him. But on paper it seems absolutely terrible.

 

2) How do we get better!? Suggestions for resources to fight more fairly? How can i motivate HIM to improve?

 

3)Little off topic but if anyone has suggestions for what to do if a partner isn't a "need to be 100% sober" sort of alcoholic, but has some issues with moderation and benders; please let me know. I enjoy a drink or two as well and couldn't ask him to stop drinking 100% but it definitely plays a role in damaging our relationship from time to time.

 

 

 

Thank you all so much for any help/suggestions you may have

[donotmicrowave]

He is so incredibly rude and disrespectful.. To me it sounds like it's simply empowering to him to show her off to you and then stay at her place.

 

You know what's best for you. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

You said life is good & you have so much love. But you also said that you have these toxic fights at least every other month for the duration of your 3 year relationship.

 

That is not love. That is not healthy. That is not good. DH & I have been married for over 10 years, together for 12+. In that time we've had about 4 fights in total. Think about that. You have had at least 18 fights (6 per year for 3 years).

 

This last one... . you have to know he's in her arms & in her bed. Why are you sticking around?

[Guildford]

Manifestlove - You have been with your boyfriend for three years, that is enough time for you to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Except in rare cases, people do not make fundamental changes to their personality or character. Think about it, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? The longer you stay in this toxic relationship, the more difficult it will be to find a new love.

[Mrs._December]

Let me see if I can summarize this correctly.

 

You make WAY more money than he does, but you're still stuck doing the lion's share of the cooking, cleaning and laundry because Mr. Lazy Ass is too good to stoop to doing 'women's work' - he sounds lovely so far. Let's now add on that he's been bringing his girlfriend around and basically rubbing your face in the fact that he prefers her and her company to yours, and that they're both 'tortured artists' who supposedly make music together. Will I be downloading any of their tunes soon?

 

Mr. Wonderful THEN decides to play the "I'm so angry and indignant!" card and uses it as an excuse to not sleep home on Sunday night (SUCH a cliche cheater move - stomping out in fake anger so they can get out of the house for the night). And where does he stay? Why, at his girlfriend's house!

 

I could be a huge idiot but I really honestly don't think they are physical.

Since you already said the word idiot, I won't have to. But...yeah.

 

If you honestly believe he slept on her couch and not in her bed having sex with her, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you.

 

Dump the loser. Stop having sex with him and get a full panel of STD testing immediately. While denial may make it easier for you to accept the unacceptable, it ISN'T going to save you from catching something, so get tested.

[Crazelnut]

These aren't communication issues. These are Jerky Boyfriend issues. Why would you want to be with a man who treats you that way? (And I don't just mean the fights.) He's got a drinking problem, he's inconsiderate at best and a cheater at worst, and irresponsible. <sarcasm> Ooh, he sounds dreamy. </sarcasm>

 

Why do you want to salvage this relationship? Leave this boy and go date a man.

[ManifestLove]

Thank you for your replies.

 

This is the thing - I DID want to and believe we would spend our lives together. We had a 'commitment ceremony' while we were traveling 2 years ago, and consider ourselves to be committed partners. He is lovely in many ways, and argues that their relationship is platonic, and compares it to one of my best friends, who is a male (but he is gay). Seeing as it is a rather new friendship, and they spend so much time together, I question whether it's possible for it to really be platonic on both ends. Perhaps not sexual attraction, but certainly a deep emotional connection. I am still trying to understand my stance on this. He would never be down for an open relationship sexually, but he's clearly ok with not being "emotionally monogamous".

 

I have empathy for him, and knowing that communication skills can be improved on give me hope. Communication is our primary issue. I just am unsure of how long to work on it, what to do for resources.

 

Our lease is up in May. He finally has health insurance so he can go to therapy. I suppose I'll see if he takes initiative to improve and reassess when the lease is up. I don't want to give up, but I think you all have a point. His behavior is self-sabotaging and disrespectful, and at some point I will have to set a limit.

[Crazelnut]

He is lovely in many ways, and argues that their relationship is platonic, and compares it to one of my best friends, who is a male (but he is gay). Seeing as it is a rather new friendship, and they spend so much time together, I question whether it's possible for it to really be platonic on both ends. Perhaps not sexual attraction, but certainly a deep emotional connection. I am still trying to understand my stance on this. He would never be down for an open relationship sexually, but he's clearly ok with not being "emotionally monogamous".

You are sharing your man's heart with another woman.

 

Communication is our primary issue. I just am unsure of how long to work on it, what to do for resources.

No it isn't. Communication is NOT your issue. He has communicated very clearly that he is connected to her, probably more than he is to you. You have clearly communicated that his behavior makes you feel like crap. This isn't a communication problem. This is a respect / boundary problem.

 

I don't want to give up, but I think you all have a point. His behavior is self-sabotaging and disrespectful, and at some point I will have to set a limit.

The time to set a limit is now. I'm not really sure what you're waiting on. You've clearly communicated to him how his behavior makes you feel, and he negates your feelings and continues on. What "limit" are you going to set? Another one for him to walk right over?

[The Dude Abides]

OP,

 

I am very old-fashioned in some ways, including relationships with women. I strongly feel that Men don’t treat Women this way. Not when they are friends, not when they are co-workers, not when they are dating, not when they are in relationships, and not when they are married. So in other words, I don’t ever see a time where a man is justified in acting this way and I don’t ever see a time where a woman should or would accept being treated this way.

 

This isn’t just some short spell when he was rough around the edges and quickly got his act together because he realized it was time to grow up and treat a woman like a lady. THis has been going on three years. The warranty is up and it’s time to trade him in.

[nninnaa]

3)Little off topic but if anyone has suggestions for what to do if a partner isn't a "need to be 100% sober" sort of alcoholic, but has some issues with moderation and benders; please let me know. I enjoy a drink or two as well and couldn't ask him to stop drinking 100% but it definitely plays a role in damaging our relationship from time to time.

 

 

 

 

 

I am definitely not one to be giving advice on here, but i had to reply to this.

some issues with moderation and benders are exactly what my husband has. He's not a drinking every single day excessively man, but he can't stop himself after just one or 2 drinks either when he does. Its a very grey area. For us, because I don't drink at all, he has pledged to stop completely. I was told for alcoholics, there is no "one drink and i'm done". doesnt necessarily have to be every day. For my husband, his drinking is/was a coping mechanism to alleviate his pain from his past.

 

You do enjoy a few drinks, so I would talk to him about curbing his intake or express to him that while you're fine with having a couple drinks here and there with dinner or out socializing, you worry it might become something more.

[L0nely]

He didn't come home that night (Sunday), and we haven't talked at all today (Monday). Where was he? Her house!

 

 

I smell a future cheater. If he's already like this in just a "relationship", imagine when married; it's just going to get worst. No matter how mad I am at my spouse, I would NEVER not come home to sleep. That's a huge red-flag. If I were you, I wouldn't stay with him (saves me the headache of wondering if he's going to cheat in the future). Good luck.

Edited January 9, 2019 by L0nely

[bathtub-row]

No, no, no - you do not stay with a person like this. You need a mature and responsible man. They do exist.

[preraph]

If you think it's worth saving and certainly before you have any kids, go to counseling together and they'll teach him the rules and you too and you'll be on the same page.

[BaileyB]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years and we have not had one fight. Seriously, not one. Nevermind a knock down, drag-out fight...

 

There have been times when we get frustrated with each other and we take a step back, take some time to let something go, and then come back together to talk/move forward...

 

If he fought like that, I say with absolute certainty that we would not be celebrating our three year anniversary. I don't do conflict like that - it is not healthy and negates everything that is "wonderful" about your relationship, IMHO.

Edited January 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[Normm]

I really honestly don't think they are physical.

 

 

Don't confuse what you want to believe with the truth. It's staring you right in the face.

[BaileyB]

You are sharing your man's heart with another woman.

 

This isn't a communication problem. This is a respect / boundary problem.

 

I could not agree with this more. It is also an alcohol problem.

 

I’m sorry OP, I know you are committed to him. It doesn’t seem that he shares the same commitment to you. If he did, he wouldn’t treat you this way.