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2 years married hasnt gotten easier


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they say the first year of marriage is the hardest, for us it was hard. but its been nearly 2 years now and still not getting easier. im worried for the future.

 

my husband spends so much money. we havent saved anything for the past year and dipped into our savings regularly. this is despite both of us on good incomes. he spends 800-1000 bux a week just on his own things, not including bills or grocery or mortgage. he smokes cigarettes, pot and does sports betting. thats where the majority of his money goes. I'm really worried as addiction and gambling i really cant stand and he is promised to quit smoking for a few years now with no success. the sport betting is a new thing and he insists he is making money on it instead of losing. but im not sure.

 

I have spoken to him about this countless times through out our marriage. we agreed that we both have the same goal of saving towards a nice house, car and generally better lifestyle. but he keeps telling me we will get there while i see no improvements for months on end. occasionally after a big fight it will get a little better, just to go back to square one after a while.

 

a few times now i have thought of divorce and i know he has too, as he feels controlled and feel like he cant spend his own money without me get pissed off.

 

the other issue in our marriage is now i feel bored and stuck in a rut. he doesnt feel this way. he thinks its wrong that i feel this way. but we hardly do anything or go anywhere, i loved going on holidays before we had the baby. now im trying to plan a holiday and money is tight but we can save towards a holiday but he is not keen. besides work he is always tired and just wants to relax at home and sit in front of the TV. i feel like i have nothing to look forward to in this marriage, my baby is the only one making me happy and i'm constantly stressed about money.

 

i feel like i want to leave this marriage but im so scared. I dont want to be alone and be a single mother. i have spoken to my family about this and they encourage me to leave him, they've never liked him and they think he is not going to change. My husband does love me very much and is a great hands on father. and we have had lots of wonderful memories from prior to baby, we travelled and werent tired all the time. never fought about money back then. i just wanna know if this marriage can be savedd.

Edited by lil_missy
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i'm constantly stressed about money.

 

Then my first bit of advice would be slow down. If you think things are tough financially now, single parenthood is even harder.

 

Have you sat down together and written out a simple budget with expense tracking for a month? Seeing his actual expenditures might be a wake-up call and helps provide you with the facts behind your concerns.

 

You should also consider marriage counseling, it's much cheaper than divorce and gives you both a chance to be heard. Two years in, still time to get back on track...

 

Mr. Lucky

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TO add a little to Mr. Lucky, tally up what you and he make and how much you could have if he saved all of it every month over a year.

 

Maybe give a budget for the gambling so he has some play money and have the rest automatically deposited in an account where you both have to sign for access to the money. Or maybe have it automatically set to buy savings bonds or some other financial instrument that restricts access.

 

It sounds like he has gambling addiction though and you guys are headed for a classic dependent & co-dependent relationship.

 

Definitely go for counseling!

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He was a smoker when you got together so that one is a non starter.

 

If you think he has a gambling problem, find a support group like Al-Anon for the loved ones of gamblers. They are going to have insights for you about his addiction. It does seem like he has an addictive personality.

 

I'm not usually one that jumps to divorce him but at minimum I think you need to go over the #s with him & issue al ultimatum. I wouldn't tell him he hast to stop gambling all together but I would put a monthly cap on the amounts available to risk. For example, I like SuperBowl football pools but my husband doesn't. He gives me a budget . . usually $50 - $60 & I can "go crazy" within reason.

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Mrs._December
..a few times now i have thought of divorce and i know he has too, as he feels controlled and feel like he cant spend his own money without me get pissed off.

You didn't marry a man. You married a child.

 

the other issue in our marriage is now i feel bored and stuck in a rut. he doesnt feel this way. he thinks its wrong that i feel this way.
Well of course he doesn't. Thanks to your salary, he gets to buy his pot and do his sports betting and he knows YOU'LL be the responsible one and pay everything because he's too irresponsible (or high) to give a rat's ass about doing it himself. That's what you're for.

 

And from the sounds of it, not only are you a great second income, but you're also likely the one stuck doing most of the work inside the house as well - PLUS all the childcare on top of it. You said when he's home, His Highness is just so tired that he has to lay on the couch and watch TV. I'm sure you wouldn't know what that's LIKE to be able to laze around all day while someone else does all the work.

 

No wonder you want out. You're stuck with a lazy irresponsible child who just expects YOU to do all the heavy lifting while he lies on his dead ass doing nothing, and spending you right into debt.

 

i feel like i want to leave this marriage but im so scared. I dont want to be alone and be a single mother.
You already ARE a single mother. What does HE do to contribute on a DAILY and REGULAR basis??? Nothing, from the sounds of it. Yeah, what a terrible thing it would be to kick out an irresponsible fool who doesn't care about the value of a dollar and sees you as his mommy who does everything for him but wipe his ass. Yes, you'd be losing so much if you booted him out. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

He'd be SO gone if I were married to him. Gone - and good riddance.

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Do you live in the United States?

 

Run the child support calculator for your state using your income and his income.

 

Tell him that either he quits gambling or you are going to divorce him, take him to court for child support...and then he won't be able to afford his nice little 800-1K habits because he'll be paying you X a month in child support, X towards health insurance for your child and X towards child care costs.

 

If that doesn't get him to come to his senses, follow through and see a divorce lawyer.

 

I'm sorry you deal with this...that would be a deal breaker for me.

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Thanks everyone for your input.

 

Yes he is terrible with money and seems to have an addictive personality, that is my main concern. But he is not horrible like someone has said, he lets me sleep at night and sleep in in the morning while he gets up for the baby, he is super loving and supportive in every way. That’s why I fell in love with him and have stayed through all the financial struggles.

 

We are in Australia so I’m not sure what child support payments r like. Cigarettes are really expensive here $30 a packet so if he can quit that if would be extra $1000 a month. He has tried but failed, but my friends tell me at least he is willing to try. Some smokers don’t even. Also I’m no angel I smoke with him too, but only a couple a day.

 

Also he earns most of the income and he gets paid very well. We are not poor but I’m just hung up on what we could have if he didn’t spend so much. Most of my friends all have several houses and I just want the same, I want us to be set up financially so we don’t have to work hard in the second half of our lives.

 

I came from a background of saving as much as possible n spending little so we are very diff on those values. As such I been feeling like his working against me, but I know it’s just due to our diff values about money.

 

I think I just have to decide if his spending is a deal breaker for me. he has been trying and wants to change but there is a possibility that he may never get there. I think I’ll definitely give it a bit more time to see if it gets better or worse.

 

Like someone said, I won’t end up in a better situation financially without him. And I’d lose a loving husband and family unit.

 

Thanks everyone

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If you are far from destitute but the root of your issue is that he's not a saver, you have financial compatibility issues. If You want multiple houses, at least understand that is a high class, first world problem. See if you can talk him into saving 10% of his earnings. If you get that perhaps stop playing Keep Up with the Jones & be happy that you are married to a high earner who still cares for the baby.

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Holy Smokes! $1000 a month on cigarettes? :eek: Sorry for the pun but really that is NUTS! Sounds like a rock star life you have there, enjoy it!

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I came from a background of saving as much as possible n spending little so we are very diff on those values. As such I been feeling like his working against me, but I know it’s just due to our diff values about money.

 

I think I just have to decide if his spending is a deal breaker for me. he has been trying and wants to change but there is a possibility that he may never get there. I think I’ll definitely give it a bit more time to see if it gets better or worse.

 

Can't help but wonder, where were these conversations while you were dating? I'd guess he's always smoked, bet and spent money but you've hoped his views would evolve over time, especially with marriage and children. As you've found, that a dangerous assumption, people often are what they are...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Can't help but wonder, where were these conversations while you were dating? I'd guess he's always smoked, bet and spent money but you've hoped his views would evolve over time, especially with marriage and children. As you've found, that a dangerous assumption, people often are what they are...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually when we were dating he was able to save a lot to pay for an overseas trip and for our wedding and pay for a car all within 2 years. So I had no concerns about his ability to save. But once we got married and bought a house and moved next to his parents, everything changed - he couldn’t save no more. I couldn’t figure out why and even he couldn’t figure out. I thought maybe his family is a bad influence on him. They all smoke and have money issues, his sister was constantly borrowing money from him and not paying him back, I told him to not do so anymore and he says he doesn’t anymore. His mom has also borrowed thousands of dollars from us. I want to move away from them coz I think he needs to be away from them, but his mom regularly baby sits for us.

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Also he earns most of the income and he gets paid very well. We are not poor but I’m just hung up on what we could have if he didn’t spend so much. Most of my friends all have several houses and I just want the same, I want us to be set up financially so we don’t have to work hard in the second half of our lives.

 

I came from a background of saving as much as possible n spending little so we are very diff on those values. As such I been feeling like his working against me, but I know it’s just due to our diff values about money.

 

I think I just have to decide if his spending is a deal breaker for me. he has been trying and wants to change but there is a possibility that he may never get there. I think I’ll definitely give it a bit more time to see if it gets better or worse.

 

Like someone said, I won’t end up in a better situation financially without him. And I’d lose a loving husband and family unit.

 

Thanks everyone

 

 

Im sorry, but I'm going to be the devil's advocate here. I think that if your husband earns enough for everything that you mention, and he's contributing the bulk of your joint income, you should really lay off of him.

 

 

 

I get that you want to save up for "multiple houses" but have you ever considered what HE wants? Lots of people don't want or care to have more than one house. It's more important to them to enjoy the life that they have. (I don't approve of the smoking, but that's not really the point).

 

 

Your opening post seems to contradict a lot of this, though. Are you just trying to save up for one house and unable to do that, or is it the "multiple houses" that is the problem? Do you have a good amount of savings or do you not? Does he earn enough to pay for all expenses or does he not?

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The marriage can only be saved if your husband can quit the gambling. If the gambling cannot be quit, it is a form of addiction. I draw my line of divorce on gambling addiction. Set yourself a time frame (preferably 1-2 years) to let him to quit gambling. If that time frame passes and nothing has changed, file for divorce because nothing will get better. Set some deal-breakers for yourself. Good luck.

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Oh this is not going to set well on this board.

 

He smoked, drank, and I assume gambled previous to marriage. She knew what she was signing up for and now there is fuss he smokes, drinks, gambles and is bad with money? Is it no wonder guys wonder WTH is going on? Next thing wondered is why are women always trying to change a man right after the wedding. Certainly work together an agreeable household budget plan but this talk of divorce, deal breakers and all of that is premature imo.

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Oh this is not going to set well on this board.

 

He smoked, drank, and I assume gambled previous to marriage. She knew what she was signing up for and now there is fuss he smokes, drinks, gambles and is bad with money? Is it no wonder guys wonder WTH is going on? Next thing wondered is why are women always trying to change a man right after the wedding. Certainly work together an agreeable household budget plan but this talk of divorce, deal breakers and all of that is premature imo.

 

 

Hey, stop with the gender generalizations! I agree with you...

 

 

I really wonder how common the whole "multiple houses" thing is. I do know a few people who have multiple houses (the whole Crazy Rich Asians thing...), and their lifestyle is not something that a lot of people could stomach. These aren't super-rich people flaunting their riches. They are upper middle class people squeezing away any penny they can find. A friend of mine has 5 houses and refuses to go to any entertainment, balks at the idea of spending $5 on parking, has barely even left his front door his entire life... because he wants to save money for the 6th house. :confused:

 

 

I really don't think it's fair to marry someone who doesn't agree with this lifestyle and expect them to conform to it. I also don't agree with smoking/gambling, but like you said, she knew what she was getting into.

 

 

 

Obviously, this all assumes that the husband is actually covering expenses just fine, and not digging them into debt and homelessness. Her posts contradict themselves at times.

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You knew what you were getting into when you married this guy, not seeing how you expected it to suddenly and magically change?

 

 

That much being said, if you've got buyers remorse then cut your losses. Its not going to get better and it doesn't sound like you can live like this for another 50+ years.

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