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Marital intimacy gone......Staying for the last child

Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 10th January 2019, 10:13 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by bluevirgo44 View Post
All the intimacy is gone.....

We have been married 19 years, and together for 27 years. We have 3 kids. 2 are grown, and last is 10. She is all we have left as a couple, and the main reason why I stay in this lonely relationship.

There is a selfishness in him that runs deep. It could be food, money or time. It doesn't matter who it affects, me or the kids. It disappoints and hurts me every time I see it. Which is becoming more frequent. I make most of the money but he still wants me to give more. I do the most around the house, and he still complains that he does too much. I'm the only one who makes any effort to be romantic or to hang out as adults. But he expects me to be receptive to his small attempts at affection.

I have had multiple conversations with him about what I need as a woman. He seems shocked every time I say that I need to feel like a desired woman. It's like he thinks that just being married is all that is required for me to be happy as a woman. I don't know how else I can tell him he doesn't take care of me financially, does the minimum at home and doesn't make me feel like a woman.

We don't argue much. It's like we are co-parenting friends. In part because he is too wrapped up in himself to notice if I'm upset. And I think he doesn't want to notice or deal with him not being perfect. He does not handle criticism very well. Every conversation we have about us is treated like a personal affront to him.

I feel so lonely in this relationship. I have tried everything. I have finally given up on feeling fulfilled. I'm not going cheat. I'm not interested and would not do that to my daughter. She is the only reason we are still together. My other 2 kids had their father, and will not do any less for her. Besides, being a father to our daughter is the best part of him.

I just needed to relay this to anybody who might understand my loneliness. To get it off my chest. 1 hour with a therapist isn't doing the trick....

I do understand and I have bad news for you: Very few husbands/wives change during marriage. It's virtually hopeless because they live in a bubble and are comfortable and lazy. So you can just live with it until your daughter no longer needs you both in the same house, or you can divorce now and figure that out.
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Old 11th January 2019, 1:59 PM   #17
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your daughter

You are NOT helping your daughter by staying in a dysfunctional relationship. I promise you that. It teaches her so many bad things and will harm her in ways you can't yet imagine. She thinks your relationship is normal. She thinks that is how a marriage and family life is. Better to have two homes that work well than one that doesn't. Show her you have the strength and self respect to improve things. Show her she doesn't have to stay in a bad situation and that is NOT what a good marriage looks like. So contrary to "staying for the kids", divorce "for the kids". Honestly, when someone tells me they are "staying for the kids" I usually think they are really doing it because of fear. Fear of the unknown. Financial fears. Fears of dating again, etc. Often it is NOT really for the kids contrary to the public story. It is because one or both of the parents is afraid of how hard it is to go through a divorce or because they are not quite as fed up as they exclaim.
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Old 11th January 2019, 2:07 PM   #18
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Rather than wait for your youngest to move out, you should at least consider setting an example for her that this is not what she should want out of a relationship, by going ahead and divorcing him. Otherwise, you two are her role models and everything you know and she may grow up thinking she needs to find a man who is dependent on her for money and everything else. You know, leaving is never easy on the kids, but if done right, it can show a young woman, You shouldn't put up with this, or a young man, No woman is going to put up with this so don't try it.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
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Old 11th January 2019, 2:15 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by bluevirgo44 View Post
I looked up Corey Wayne like you suggested. Most of what he is talking about pertains to single men trying to attract women. My husband already acts like he is "married/single". I'm tired of chasing him. Most of what I viewed on youtube, is exactly why I want to leave. There is 1 I found called From Beta to Alpha Male that may be good for him. But the rest is not what women want.
There is a lot of stuff that is useful for being a pick up artist but if you watch the videos about finding purpose, & alpha male, etc you can find 40 to 50 videos that fit your situation.

If he is ignoring you, (you are chasing him too much) perhaps you could turn the tables a bit and give him a chance to miss you.
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Old 11th January 2019, 7:56 PM   #20
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Just trying to understand.

You cling like grim death to a selfish man who thinks he's too damned good to 'lower' himself to do housework and expects you - the main breadwinner - to do it all on TOP of being more successful than he is.

So he basically sucks as a provider, he sucks as an involved partner, and he sucks as a husband.

Yet, you insist on donning the hair shirt and the thorn of crowns and want to martyr yourself staying with this fool for the 'sake of the child.' Sure sounds noble, doesn't it? That is such a lame excuse so many people use because they're too afraid to actually make the decision and do the work to carry it out. It's easier to hide behind the lame excuse you're using than it is to divorce this unworthy fool you married.

What will be your excuse 8 years from now when your kid is graduating high school? That you're now "too old" to make a life change and leave him? Maybe his health or your own will change or degrade in the next 8 years and your new excuse 8 years from now will be that you "can't leave because he depends on you to wipe his butt."

Keep making excuses for why you need to stay with someone as undeserving as your husband, and wasting year after year of your life.

Lastly, do know that one day your daughter will tell you the GUILT she had to carry on her shoulders because she knew you were using her as an excuse to stay miserably married.

Last edited by Mrs._December; 11th January 2019 at 7:58 PM..
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