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Marital intimacy gone......Staying for the last child


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All the intimacy is gone.....

 

We have been married 19 years, and together for 27 years. We have 3 kids. 2 are grown, and last is 10. She is all we have left as a couple, and the main reason why I stay in this lonely relationship.

 

There is a selfishness in him that runs deep. It could be food, money or time. It doesn't matter who it affects, me or the kids. It disappoints and hurts me every time I see it. Which is becoming more frequent. I make most of the money but he still wants me to give more. I do the most around the house, and he still complains that he does too much. I'm the only one who makes any effort to be romantic or to hang out as adults. But he expects me to be receptive to his small attempts at affection.

 

I have had multiple conversations with him about what I need as a woman. He seems shocked every time I say that I need to feel like a desired woman. It's like he thinks that just being married is all that is required for me to be happy as a woman. I don't know how else I can tell him he doesn't take care of me financially, does the minimum at home and doesn't make me feel like a woman.

 

We don't argue much. It's like we are co-parenting friends. In part because he is too wrapped up in himself to notice if I'm upset. And I think he doesn't want to notice or deal with him not being perfect. He does not handle criticism very well. Every conversation we have about us is treated like a personal affront to him.

 

I feel so lonely in this relationship. I have tried everything. I have finally given up on feeling fulfilled. I'm not going cheat. I'm not interested and would not do that to my daughter. She is the only reason we are still together. My other 2 kids had their father, and will not do any less for her. Besides, being a father to our daughter is the best part of him.

 

I just needed to relay this to anybody who might understand my loneliness. To get it off my chest. 1 hour with a therapist isn't doing the trick....

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I'm truly sorry for your pain.

 

I don't have words of wisdom to offer related to your marriage... I think you have been there, done that, and he is not going to change.

 

I understand your reason to stay and I respect your commitment to your daughter, but I wonder... What are you teaching your daughter about marriage? What are you teaching her about finding the courage to create the life that you want for yourself?

 

Just consider this - is it possible that she would do just as well growing up with two parents who are happy and a mother who has the opportunity to be engaged in a life that brings her joy, rather than two parents who stay in a miserable marriage where they share no intimacy and are counting the days until she graduates...

 

Because, if you think she doesn't/or will not know that is exactly what you are doing, you are probably mistaken...

Edited by BaileyB
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Thank you for the response. That is a big fear. I want her to do better than me in all things. Someday I may take the risk. But until then, I'll keep putting on a oscar worthy performance.;)

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Hey, I just want to tell you that I kinda did the same thing your husband is doing to you and I was miserable inside for years. My wife finally threw down the gauntlet and said she was done. We haven't divorced or anything yet because she has been out of the country off and on so much this last year that we couldn't address anything as a couple. I, on the other hand, heard her loud and clear finally and after nearly a year of therapy, serious study of psychology and constant work on myself understand that my attachment style, and insecurities caused most of the stuff you are talking about. I have dealt with it, have a ways to go but am a way better person for it.

 

It sucks, whats happened to my family but the reality is that my childhood caused me to have issues and raising my kids caused serious depression. She can't understand where all this comes from but she has issues that compound with mine. We are all afraid of abandonment to some degree but when we aren't willing to fight for our needs we basically force abandonment to happen through the misery of unmet needs and expectations.

 

What I am saying is, stick up for yourself, whether you leave or work together make an effort to improve both of your lives. Your kid will repeat what you do, so do you fight what is important or suffer in silence?

 

I am now glad that my wife made the brave decision to stand up for her own happiness. I still love her, but would rather us both be happy alone than stay miserable together. I can't imagine why you would suffer for 8 more years if you dont have to.

 

The pain of working on things for a separation or a reconciliation are worth it.

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The Dude Abides

BlueVirgo

 

I agree with Bailey in that I think it’s certain that your youngest child can sense all of your pain and unhappiness. If you were on your own your emotional and mental health would improve and so would everything about your life. That would directly affect, in a very good way, the growing up experience that your daugther goes through.

 

I have known several people in your situation (men and women), and they did leave and had a wonderful experience with their children once all of them were away from the lousy home life that all suffered through while previously with the former spouse/parent.

 

You do deserve happiness and more importantly, so does your young daughter. Maybe your decision will be best guided by thinking about what will help the most for your daughter.

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There is a selfishness in him that runs deep. It could be food, money or time. It doesn't matter who it affects, me or the kids. It disappoints and hurts me every time I see it. Which is becoming more frequent. I make most of the money but he still wants me to give more. I do the most around the house, and he still complains that he does too much. I'm the only one who makes any effort to be romantic or to hang out as adults. But he expects me to be receptive to his small attempts at affection.

 

bluevirgo44, I'm going to gently suggest that, like all posts, there's two sides to your story. My first wife had many of the same complaints you do but combined it with a surgeon's ability to dissect and criticize any attempt to meet her stated needs. Right or wrong, your husband may feel similarly.

 

Since you don't mention it, is there a reason you haven't tried marriage counseling? I'd guess many of your issues are communication based, especially since both of you seem to feel the righteous indignation of "I'm right and he/she's wrong". Not much room for adjustment or compromise in your tone or his described position.

 

30 years and 3 kids, there was something there once. It would seem a worthwhile investment to put some time in reclaiming it...

 

Mr. Lucky

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It's nice to get a male take on this. He is very guarded. So I don't believe I ever get the complete truth about how he feels.

 

Mr Lucky

We have been to marriage counseling 3 times. Each time he went reluctantly. Things are good for about 6 months to a year, and then he goes back to himself. I suggested we go again in April. This time I was told I was the one who is crazy or menopausal, and that he is fine. When he is ready to put more effort into our relationship, he will..... I know I'm far from perfect but I keep trying to improve myself.

 

Quite frankly, I'm tired of being the man in this relationship. I don't want to make all the decisions, what we're going to bye, where we go to eat, if my car needs an oil change, if we're going on vacation, etc.......

 

All of you have given me reasons to reconsider my decision to stay. Thank you!

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The Dude Abides

BlueVirgo

 

I just re-read your first post. It really struck me when you wrote “he doesn’t make me feel like a woman”. Yes, marriage is a partnership and it takes plenty of work by both spouses to make it work. And maybe just maybe if there is an imbalance it can be tolerated by the spouse who is doing more.

 

But one things sure seems to be the death knell for any marriage I have ever seen that fell apart. More so than adultery or any other issue, I have seen that when a husband stops treating his spouse as a wife, and stops making her feel like a desired woman, it’s all downhill from there (and the reverse applies for women treating their men).

 

You say he just doesn’t get it when you tell him you need to feel like a desired woman. I’m sure you have talked yourself blue in the face telling him that. Is there anyone he would listen to and finally get the message? A brother? A buddy? Somebody at his work? A close neighbor? It is sad to think that he might finally “get it”once you’re gone and it finally sinks in.

 

As Mr. Lucky noted, it is a long time together and wouldn’t it be great if you could salvage things. But yes, you do deserve to have a husband treat you with love and respect, and who will make you feel like a million bucks every day of the year.

 

You have my best wishes for a good outcome here for your family.

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... I'm tired of being the man in this relationship. I don't want to make all the decisions, ...

 

 

That sounds like a tagline from a guy named Corey Wayne that might be beneficial for your husband to "stumble on" on youtube or "find" his book laying around somewhere. Or flat out tell him to watch... I find it to be very helpful but its a lot of work to incorperate into decades of what you are experiencing.

 

I also recommend "How to improve your marriage without talking about it." For you it might help you understand the way that you communicate that pushes him more into a weak position. Read it for him, or the next guy.

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I'm tired of being the man in this relationship. I don't want to make all the decisions, what we're going to bye, where we go to eat, if my car needs an oil change, if we're going on vacation, etc......

Every man on this site needs to read and re-read this, until they integrate it into themselves.

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Yes I understand the loneliness in a marriage. I think my situation might be worst than yours though because my husband bullies me on a daily basis such as name calling, he does zero housework, and makes messes in the house like a child who don't know the concept of a trashcan. I also have 2 children below the ages of 3. I am also waiting for all of the children to go off to college before I decide to go off on my own. Just know you are not the only one "waiting". You are not alone in this one. =]

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That sounds like a tagline from a guy named Corey Wayne that might be beneficial for your husband to "stumble on" on youtube or "find" his book laying around somewhere. Or flat out tell him to watch... I find it to be very helpful but its a lot of work to incorperate into decades of what you are experiencing..

 

I looked up Corey Wayne like you suggested. Most of what he is talking about pertains to single men trying to attract women. My husband already acts like he is "married/single". I'm tired of chasing him. Most of what I viewed on youtube, is exactly why I want to leave. There is 1 I found called From Beta to Alpha Male that may be good for him. But the rest is not what women want.

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Yes I understand the loneliness in a marriage. I think my situation might be worst than yours though because my husband bullies me on a daily basis such as name calling, he does zero housework, and makes messes in the house like a child who don't know the concept of a trashcan. I also have 2 children below the ages of 3. I am also waiting for all of the children to go off to college before I decide to go off on my own. Just know you are not the only one "waiting". You are not alone in this one. =]

 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with be bullied. I hope that you have some a zen place that you can escape to daily. For me early on, it was my bathtub and Nina Simone. Now, it is my career.

 

I made a strategic plan almost 10 years ago to not have to rely on my husband financially. I figured money would be the only thing he could hold over me once I decided I was done. My husband tried to discourage me from going back to school and from finishing. He even tried to sabotage my studying. But once he realized the money I was going to make. He stopped.

 

Get you a good solid plan for your finances and don't let him deter you.

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All the intimacy is gone.....

 

We have been married 19 years, and together for 27 years. We have 3 kids. 2 are grown, and last is 10. She is all we have left as a couple, and the main reason why I stay in this lonely relationship.

 

There is a selfishness in him that runs deep. It could be food, money or time. It doesn't matter who it affects, me or the kids. It disappoints and hurts me every time I see it. Which is becoming more frequent. I make most of the money but he still wants me to give more. I do the most around the house, and he still complains that he does too much. I'm the only one who makes any effort to be romantic or to hang out as adults. But he expects me to be receptive to his small attempts at affection.

 

I have had multiple conversations with him about what I need as a woman. He seems shocked every time I say that I need to feel like a desired woman. It's like he thinks that just being married is all that is required for me to be happy as a woman. I don't know how else I can tell him he doesn't take care of me financially, does the minimum at home and doesn't make me feel like a woman.

 

We don't argue much. It's like we are co-parenting friends. In part because he is too wrapped up in himself to notice if I'm upset. And I think he doesn't want to notice or deal with him not being perfect. He does not handle criticism very well. Every conversation we have about us is treated like a personal affront to him.

 

I feel so lonely in this relationship. I have tried everything. I have finally given up on feeling fulfilled. I'm not going cheat. I'm not interested and would not do that to my daughter. She is the only reason we are still together. My other 2 kids had their father, and will not do any less for her. Besides, being a father to our daughter is the best part of him.

 

I just needed to relay this to anybody who might understand my loneliness. To get it off my chest. 1 hour with a therapist isn't doing the trick....

 

 

I do understand and I have bad news for you: Very few husbands/wives change during marriage. It's virtually hopeless because they live in a bubble and are comfortable and lazy. So you can just live with it until your daughter no longer needs you both in the same house, or you can divorce now and figure that out.

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You are NOT helping your daughter by staying in a dysfunctional relationship. I promise you that. It teaches her so many bad things and will harm her in ways you can't yet imagine. She thinks your relationship is normal. She thinks that is how a marriage and family life is. Better to have two homes that work well than one that doesn't. Show her you have the strength and self respect to improve things. Show her she doesn't have to stay in a bad situation and that is NOT what a good marriage looks like. So contrary to "staying for the kids", divorce "for the kids". Honestly, when someone tells me they are "staying for the kids" I usually think they are really doing it because of fear. Fear of the unknown. Financial fears. Fears of dating again, etc. Often it is NOT really for the kids contrary to the public story. It is because one or both of the parents is afraid of how hard it is to go through a divorce or because they are not quite as fed up as they exclaim.

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Rather than wait for your youngest to move out, you should at least consider setting an example for her that this is not what she should want out of a relationship, by going ahead and divorcing him. Otherwise, you two are her role models and everything you know and she may grow up thinking she needs to find a man who is dependent on her for money and everything else. You know, leaving is never easy on the kids, but if done right, it can show a young woman, You shouldn't put up with this, or a young man, No woman is going to put up with this so don't try it.

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I looked up Corey Wayne like you suggested. Most of what he is talking about pertains to single men trying to attract women. My husband already acts like he is "married/single". I'm tired of chasing him. Most of what I viewed on youtube, is exactly why I want to leave. There is 1 I found called From Beta to Alpha Male that may be good for him. But the rest is not what women want.

 

There is a lot of stuff that is useful for being a pick up artist but if you watch the videos about finding purpose, & alpha male, etc you can find 40 to 50 videos that fit your situation.

 

If he is ignoring you, (you are chasing him too much) perhaps you could turn the tables a bit and give him a chance to miss you.

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Mrs._December

Just trying to understand.

 

You cling like grim death to a selfish man who thinks he's too damned good to 'lower' himself to do housework and expects you - the main breadwinner - to do it all on TOP of being more successful than he is.

 

So he basically sucks as a provider, he sucks as an involved partner, and he sucks as a husband.

 

Yet, you insist on donning the hair shirt and the thorn of crowns and want to martyr yourself staying with this fool for the 'sake of the child.' Sure sounds noble, doesn't it? That is such a lame excuse so many people use because they're too afraid to actually make the decision and do the work to carry it out. It's easier to hide behind the lame excuse you're using than it is to divorce this unworthy fool you married.

 

What will be your excuse 8 years from now when your kid is graduating high school? That you're now "too old" to make a life change and leave him? Maybe his health or your own will change or degrade in the next 8 years and your new excuse 8 years from now will be that you "can't leave because he depends on you to wipe his butt."

 

Keep making excuses for why you need to stay with someone as undeserving as your husband, and wasting year after year of your life.

 

Lastly, do know that one day your daughter will tell you the GUILT she had to carry on her shoulders because she knew you were using her as an excuse to stay miserably married.

Edited by Mrs._December
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