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Struggles of marrying someone opposite


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Hi, I’ve recently posted in separation forum but this is more general.

 

My husband and I been married just over a year. Our newlywed life has been NOTHING like you see in movies or other people’s facebook posts. We have fought, disappointed each orger( mostly me disappointed by him). I knew before I married him that we have virtually nothing in common, but we somehow were still drawn to each other.

 

Me I’m shy, introverted hate to get attention. I like to speak English correctly (even though it’s not my first language). I’m considerate regarding my surroundings, I was raised with manners and how to behave in formal situations etc...

 

He- is caveman. Swears, loves everything I hate (wrestling, bad action movies,)

When we are around people, he likes to speak loudly and draw attention to himself or us. Which I think is his coping mechanism of him having social anxiety.

I get very embarrassed sometimes Bri g with him in public when he acts like an annoying attention seeker.

The other night I was using the restroom and my nephew was calling for me and kept calling for me from behind the door. So my husband, proper gentleman that he is, says “auntie is going kaka” ....IN FRONT of my whole family!!

He is so childish! He thoughts it was hilarious but I obviously get fed up with him acting like one of the children (in the family)

 

He does have redeeming qualities which I guess I thought outweighed his barbarian side before marriage but living together has been very hard.

I have to tell him the same thing 10 times and he will still never not leave the wet towe where it shouldn’t be.

 

Is this relatable? Is it realistic that two people who are polar opposites can live together for years or did I hope that I could change him once we moved in together.

 

Also sex- i barely want to do it once a week with him. He’s very sexual and i couldn’t care less about sex. I want to feel emotionally fulfilled and he just wants to do it anytime.

It wasn’t always like this. When we first got together, the first year or two I was always up for sex with him but somewhere down the road I’ve lost all interest. I think the way he acts is a huge factor in whether I get turned on or not.

When he’s being funny or silly, that does not turn me on.

When he’s on the rare occasion being quiet, thoughtful, concentrated, I find myself wanting him more then.

 

Please tell me this is doable.

 

Also, I’ve had a history of depression and he was/is ADD.

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Let's start with what does he want from a married life, and what do you want from a married life?

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My 1st year of marriage was one of the hardest in my life. I had no idea how to BE married, how to function like a team.

 

DH & I have things that are opposite about us -- I'm the loud one; he's more reserved. We didn't understand each other's communication style, mostly because I was soooooo frustrated that he didn't talk. To him if nothing was unbearable there was no point in saying anything. When I asked & he'd say things were "fine" or "good" I wanted to rip my hair out or strangle him.

 

In time we worked through it; we figured out our path & things got better.

 

Get over the towels. It's annoying but trivial. He's at home making a mess, not catting around with some other women. Read 2 pop psychology books: The Care & Feeding of a Husband and the Care & Feeding of a Marriage. Some of the stuff is anti-woman but at ground the books are about appreciation.

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The first year is always the hardest as two people are struggling to blend together. This thing with the towel or having to tell him 10 times not to do something is really a non issue.

I was the “barbaric” one in my first relationship. He had to tell me 100 times to put the caps back on the toothpaste and the contact solution. He would follow that with a cocerning speech that my eyes were important and needed to care for them” I listened, but kept the caps off because I enjoyed his speech. When he passed away, I put all the caps on.

We were opposite too. Very, very opposite. What eventually made the change was me handling the things I could handle and he would do his. I led by example in some things and he would see me doing them and would join me. First year... didn’t think we’d make it. By the 8th year and on it was way better than our dating honeymoon phase.

Love him or let him find someone who will appreciated his goofiness.

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I hope that I could change him once we moved in together.

 

 

I wish you had posted here BEFORE you got married, so we could give you some decent advice about that.

 

 

I wouldn't compare real life to FB posts or movies, obviously. In real life, crap happens, things are not perfect. But there's a huge difference between "not perfect" and the relationship that you just described.

 

No, I don't think polar opposite people who are not complementary in any way can make a happy marriage work. That is why it's so important to REALLY get to know someone before making this level of commitment to them.

 

On the other hand, we don't know for sure if you are genuinely that incompatible. It doesn't sound like you've tried to communicate what you need and want at all?

 

Have you tried MC?

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What does he want from married life- I’d say

We pretty much want the same things.

A quiet life centered around family (neither of us have

A big friend circle)

A couple of kids...just living a normal life and taking trips or traveling together.

We both are low maintenance and love to be in nature or camping..cooking for

Each other..simple stuff make us happy.

 

 

GiraffeA- your husband reminds me of me. I’m sorry he passed..did you love him and stay together until the end?

My husband does try.

I often think about that. There’d be a woman out there for him just as silly as him and they could live in wet towel land together...and I do fantasize about being with a guy more reserved....however everyone that knows me and us says he’s good for me. That if I were with someone just like me, I’d be bored or complain about something else...

 

Donnivain- thank you for tecommendations will look it up right now.

My mother in law gave us a book called love languages or something like that. I make it a point to read it together with my husband but him being the spaz that he is won’t sit down long enough to get through it. Maybe I’ll just keep going by myself.

And you’re right about the last part. He’s rough around the edges but at least he’s not out doing things he should t be.

 

As for the sex...any advice how I could feel more attracted to

Him? That sounds terrible to

Say.

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To be more attracted to him, look with your heart not only your eyes.

 

Read the Love Languages book, even by yourself. You can't change him (fundamentally) but you can change yourself. If you have more insight, you will gain more peace.

 

While you can't change who a man is as a person -- his basic character -- you can domesticate him. It took some adjustments but my husband now signs cards the way I prefer (he used to just write his name, which while insignificant made me crazy); he dresses better & he's more helpful around the house. Keep working with your guy on those issues; if money allows get a housekeeper. Towels on the floor are not worth losing a marriage over.

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I believe in basic training which applies to people and animals. I think it's important in every relationship. For a time, unless he does something totally heinous, focus on praising him when he's being like you want him to be, such as more gentlemanly, quieter, softly spoken. Maybe sometime he doesn't raise his voice at dinner or in front of company, and afterwards, you say, "I had so much fun tonight. You were such a nice polite gentleman making conversation."

 

If he picks up his towel, go give him a bear hug. "Thanks, honey, it's one less thing I have to do."

 

I don't know what other issues, but like if there's any hygiene issues, tell him how good he smells after his shower.

 

Positive reinforcement will get you further than nagging because that makes people dig in. Sometimes you do have to take up a serious manner, but it's important not to do it in a nagging way if it can be avoided and just let them know how disrespected you feel, and then also don't praise them or reward after something like that.

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Sex is important in marriage and you should have figured out you two weren't sexually compatible before you married him. If you aren't attracted to him sexually during the honeymoon stage now forget about it later; especially if you have kids. He will grow frustrated without sex and you won't be too happy either. This is really something that you should have thought hard about before you married him.

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A couple of kids...

 

I hope you don't see this a fix to the problems you see in the marriage. You'd be adding two more 'cavemen' (cavepersons?) to the household...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I had a bf once like this, very extrovert, but could be pretty childish and embarrassing with his jokes and nonsense talk.

Hilarious at first, he was the life and soul, but then he got really annoying.

We were on holiday on a boat trip, he was acting the fool and I just stopped laughing, I was no longer amused, I had had enough. He was not happy, he got quite nasty actually.

We got home a few days later and I broke it off.

We never got anywhere near marrying.

Thank God.

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oh sweetie, I can relate to you. I've posted on here about my man-child husband as well. you should find it and read it; it'll make you feel better about your situation. my husband is 100x worst than yours.

 

Mine is super immature, childish in public (he plays this stupid kicks me under the table in restaurants), verbally abusive towards me (calling me "retard" and "animal"), absolutely doesn't help out with house chores (he says house chores are only for WOMEN), NAGS ABOUT GETTING 2 WIVES EVERYDAY, a hoarder (never throws away anything, trash or not), messes up the house like a kid, can't even clean up his own candy wrappers or soda cans, can't even put his own dirty clothes in the laundry basket (he leaves it on the floor), throws open/read envelopes/letters on the floors (he doesn't know the concept of a trashcan), we don't even sleep in same floor in the house anymore, he likes super load music (i like my peace and quiet).

 

We are total opposites and everything i've mentioned, happens on a daily basis. I cleanup/puts-up with husbands bull**** EVERYDAY. yet we've been together for 9 years. A part of marriage is about how much you can tolerate each other. some people's level of tolerating is low, while my level is ridiculously too unrealistically high. everyone is different, just know your limits and what you can put-up with. but sweetie, remember there's worst out there.

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One jerk stands out. Yes, he was very good looking and too young for me. He just seemed fun at first, and I won't go into detail but it turned into a fiasco in general. He brought out the worst in me in the end (the whole thing only lasted maybe a month or six weeks).

 

Anyway, speaking of being rude to wait staff, that ain't nothin'. We were going to play pool one day and he wore buttless jeans. Yes. Yes, he did. So glad I didn't take him to a restaurant. He said he was going to tattoo Elmer Fudd pointing a rifle on one cheek and Bugs Bunny on the other and "Get outa that hole, you Wascly Wabbit!"

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WillowForever, you seem to be crying out for help. You've posted several different threads about your marital problems. Looking back over them, I see that he is an alcoholic with social anxiety that leads him to engage in childish attention-seeking behavior. You have a history of depression, ADD, and extreme irrational anxiety about his previous (pre-you) sexual partner.

 

I really think you each need individual help AND you need marriage counseling together. He needs to get sober and work on his behavioral problems, and you need to see a new therapist who can work with you on cognitive behavioral techniques. And you need to see a marriage counselor to help you with communication and boundaries and intimacy. I do hope you can get him on board with all this. It will take a lot of work from both of you, but your marriage is salvagable. Best of luck.

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<snip>A part of marriage is about how much you can tolerate each other. some people's level of tolerating is low, while my level is ridiculously too unrealistically high. everyone is different, just know your limits and what you can put-up with. but sweetie, remember there's worst out there.

 

This is bad advice. L0nely puts up with a psychologically abusive husband. Do NOT follow that lead. And just because YOUR husband isn't this bad, doesn't mean you have to just tolerate an unhappy marriage.

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Hi Crazelnut, thank you for reading.

 

I am trying to get as much as i can from here, yes I do need help. My first year of marriage was so rough, but, we both have agreed to keep going and work on ourselves because we do want to stay married to each other.

 

As of january 1, husband has been sober and promises he doesn't want to lose me or our life together and will abstain from drinking.

 

so far so good, like Dude Abides said i am trying to help him and he does indeed help me out. We don't have superficial things in common, but his energy and hyperness offsets my depressive moods and he can get me out of my funk when I need him.

 

I think posting here has helped me realize what good thing the therapist did say to me that struck a chord.

Other than the drinking (which to some- maybe most people- wouldn't even be a problem--I just have a zero tolerance for it)

The problem is me. The way I view things, my extremely high expectations, being dissasatisfied with eveyrhting....I feel like I really have to put the work in to help myself...because if i were to give up on him, perhaps I would find someone else with a whole new set of "problems' or differences that I couldn't deal with.

Reading here also has helped me gauge the level of my crazy.

Looking for new marriage counselor and individual for the new year, leaving the old behind-wasn't much help.

 

I know I have been patient with my husbands flawed behavior but Lord knows so has he with me.

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I know I have been patient with my husbands flawed behavior but Lord knows so has he with me.

 

Sounds like progress - on both your parts. Many posting here want to blame their partners for everything wrong with the relationship. Owning your own part of the dysfunction is an important step.

 

Hope 2019 continues to bring positive strides...

 

Mr. Lucky

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This is bad advice. L0nely puts up with a psychologically abusive husband. Do NOT follow that lead. And just because YOUR husband isn't this bad, doesn't mean you have to just tolerate an unhappy marriage.

 

If Crazelnut can read correctly, I DID NOT advice OP on anything. I was telling her about my situation and what i put up with. Along with "A part of marriage is about how much you can tolerate each other. some people's level of tolerating is low, while my level is ridiculously too unrealistically high. everyone is different, just know your limits and what you can put-up with." Obviously if she can't tolerate much, then it's her choice to go or not. But in my post, WHAT part in there says "stick/tolerate everything about your husband"???????? Learn to read correctly please.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yeah , you say mostly you disappointed in him but you have no idea how disappointed he might be in you and l see a lot of him him but very little you you.

Then you talk about his flawed behavior , according to you , but of how much patients his had with you.

 

Takes two to tango and somethings saying there's two sides to this and not only yours. And there's also a lot of hints that your mostly likely a very picky fussy and hard person to live with yourself too but that he might also be being pretty generous in overlooking quiteeee a bit of it is my guess.

 

As far as his stuff goes l was married 20yrs and to my mind all you can do is try to talk to him about some of it , nicely . ln my experience nicely and respectfully has a much bigger effect than being a b@tch about it.

And hopefully he can about some of yours too.

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