Karen13 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I am feeling really hopeless in my marriage. It’s not new but I’m finally admitting it to myself. We started out strong and as a team, but shortly after marriage things have been unraveling. I went onto his medical (I requested it as I had none and we were married). After that if I asked for a massage or anything I was met with ‘that’s what the medical is for.’ I was hurt, but let it slide. Affection dwindled from there. When deciding to have a baby and still in discussion, he didn’t pull out as usual to ‘surprise me’ and get the baby making started. I was so mad I made him get off & ran to the bathroom to cry. He could never understand why I was upset. We did get pregnant, but miscarried that baby. When I miscarried He was not able to offer much support. Even left me standing on a porch at a party in the cold while I had a panick attack as there was a baby there. I left as I couldn’t go back inside. He stayed. We did have a baby (love the kid to death) and my health started to deteriorate. I could not do a lot of physical things beyond caring for a baby/toddler. He refused to help around the house... I even asked that he help by simply clearing his own plate. He hit the table & got up & left. I have always tried to stay positive, keep loving & seeing the good, but I feel there’s no point & im tired & depressed. I always thought if I gave more, it would get better, but it makes it worse. We went to counseling on my request & it worked somewhat for a short time, but then it went Right back to the way it was. He won’t talk about anything without seeming like I’m torturing him so we get nowhere. He has always had some intimacy issues and I never feel he’s there with me. Eyes closed, no ‘love’ etc... More recently I have just shut down. I can’t keep pretending any more. He seems to be trying, but I’m just too far gone to engage again. Now what? I’m in a loveless marriage with a man I am completely dependent upon. I am reading more and thinking he has narcissistic tendencies... I feel broken and just don’t know where to go from here. Any thoughts, advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I am feeling really hopeless in my marriage. It’s not new but I’m finally admitting it to myself. We started out strong and as a team, but shortly after marriage things have been unraveling. I went onto his medical (I requested it as I had none and we were married). After that if I asked for a massage or anything I was met with ‘that’s what the medical is for.’ I was hurt, but let it slide. Affection dwindled from there. When deciding to have a baby and still in discussion, he didn’t pull out as usual to ‘surprise me’ and get the baby making started. I was so mad I made him get off & ran to the bathroom to cry. He could never understand why I was upset. We did get pregnant, but miscarried that baby. When I miscarried He was not able to offer much support. Even left me standing on a porch at a party in the cold while I had a panick attack as there was a baby there. I left as I couldn’t go back inside. He stayed. We did have a baby (love the kid to death) and my health started to deteriorate. I could not do a lot of physical things beyond caring for a baby/toddler. He refused to help around the house... I even asked that he help by simply clearing his own plate. He hit the table & got up & left. I have always tried to stay positive, keep loving & seeing the good, but I feel there’s no point & im tired & depressed. I always thought if I gave more, it would get better, but it makes it worse. We went to counseling on my request & it worked somewhat for a short time, but then it went Right back to the way it was. He won’t talk about anything without seeming like I’m torturing him so we get nowhere. He has always had some intimacy issues and I never feel he’s there with me. Eyes closed, no ‘love’ etc... More recently I have just shut down. I can’t keep pretending any more. He seems to be trying, but I’m just too far gone to engage again. Now what? I’m in a loveless marriage with a man I am completely dependent upon. I am reading more and thinking he has narcissistic tendencies... I feel broken and just don’t know where to go from here. Any thoughts, advice? I've highlighted where his behavior is bordering on - if not - abusive. I wouldn't go diagnosing him as narcissistic, but I can definitely agree there seem to be some tendencies there. I see you say that you are dependent upon him? How long have you been married? Did you work prior to marriage? How long have you been out of the workforce? Do you have any of your own finances? Do you have family nearby? Link to post Share on other sites
changingmale Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I am sorry you are going through this. I know a miscarriage is very hard my wife (separated) and i had a miscarriage. It really messed her up for a while. Maybe try a different counselor and if you go to a church maybe the pastor. Maybe try a church if you dont go. Maybe need to try get him alone away from the house tv toys etc sit him down and talk tell him you are so hurt and thinking about ending the marriage if you are thinking this, He needs some kind help and need to tell him how you feel. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Nothing is every completely hopeless. First step, find a way to make yourself more independent, especially financially. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karen13 Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 I should give a little more background... we have been married 15 years. I have on a few occasions sat him down and said I’m thinking of leaving if it stays as it is. Gets better for a short time. I have chronic health issues and have been told by my specialist that part time work with no stress might be ok. I barely keep up with the house & kid and still have bedridden days. This is not easy for him either. I truly don’t know what I would do without him, but feel I’m wasting my life being miserable staying. He says he has no intention of ending the marriage. I think he’s more concerned about appearing to have failed if our marriage ends. He has never supported my endeavors and even says yes, only to change his mind and not allow my plans to follow through. He the more I try to be my best and give more the more he pulls away and then expects even more from me. I am at the point I don’t want to do anything anymore. It gets us nowhere.he wants more sex. I want a relationship that includes sex. I don’t think he knows how to have a relationship and care for someone. I feel like I’ve had blinders on for so long, hoping things would get better. I voiced a few of my thoughts to a friend recently and she was in shock... not even much of what I shared here. I have been in denial and just can’t continue this way anymore. I guess I really should get a professional to help us out again... I’m just not sure I even care to try. Maybe I should ride it out until our teen moves out (not ideal, but being realistic...?) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 You are married to a man who doesn't know how to love, doesn't feel it. He just wants sex and to keep up appearances. With your failing health, I'm not sure what to tell you, but HE's not much help except for his paycheck, I guess. Not sure how old the kids are. But you'd need to work full-time to afford a place and still might need roommates. If you divorced, made him take joint custody, at least he'd have the kids half the time and make it easier for you to work and rest. If you keep primary custody, he'd pay child support but only for as long as the kids are young. You need to first get a job and see if you can do that or not. And you can't just take a low paying job and expect to make ends meet. So I hope you have parents or someone willing to take you and the kids on. You cannot count on just attracting another man. Harder to do with age and kids, of course. How long until the kids are 18? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Marriage counseling may be in order to help him open up. It's about blame but skills If $$ is an issue, try buying some self help books or getting some from the library & doing workbook type exercises together to repair your bond 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I have chronic health issues and have been told by my specialist that part time work with no stress might be ok. I barely keep up with the house & kid and still have bedridden days. This is not easy for him either. Certainly don't condone his behavior. But, trying to put myself in his shoes, I'd guess it's a fairly overwhelming situation. I'm sure this isn't the marriage you envisioned but he probably feels the same way. From a practical standpoint, you'd exit the marriage and then ... ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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