Wife has an explosive temper - postpartum depression and bipolar

[stateofpapa]

I have been reading the threads and appreciate the input provided by various people here. Trying to air my thoughts out here.

 

Been married for 10+ years and have two kids, a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Kids are great. When we got married, we wanted to wait a few years before starting a family and we did. I wouldn't say things were perfect before the kids but looking back I don't really detect any major red flags. We both had discussed that after kids, life would be completely different and new stress was going to be added - just part of being a parent.

 

I noticed a new level of anger with my wife when we had our first child. Wife was hit with severe postpartum depression. Most of the rage was directed at me or losing emotional control for the slightest things. She sought therapy and after the one year mark, things seemed to get better. I don't think I fully understood the depth of the problem at this point.

 

It felt like we were moving forward and finally had a new rhythm when we got pregnant with our second child. This tossed things into a major loop. My wife has a hard time dealing with the normal stresses of life. I currently work and she is a stay at home mom. I am very involved with the kids in the morning, getting them ready, spending time together, and helping out where I can and also when I get home from work. We have a helper that comes for 20 hours a week and also have the older child in preschool.

 

When we had our second child, early in her life she fell into a severe depression and was hospitalized for a few days. The diagnosis with postpartum depression and bipolar 2. She has been seeking treatment but the rage and inability to control her temper is there and reflects in self-harm, lashing out (at me - a few times physically), and isolating herself. Each time after the event, she breaks down, apologizes, and tells me she has a hard time controlling her emotions. I believe her but don't really know how to help beyond what we have been doing with therapy, medication, additional help at home, school, and trying to keep the stress to a minimum in the house.

 

To be honest, I've been thinking if I am doing the right thing. She isn't physically abusive with the kids since they are fed and taken care of. But now as we have a 4 year old, she at times sees the rage mom has and it scares her and I try to buffer some of it. I feel as if I'm always walking on eggshells.

 

I suppose I'm trying to see if anyone has dealt with a mentally ill spouse and how they navigated the waters. There are days where I think "is this our new life?" and how healthy is it?

[BMI03]

I’ll come back to post some more thoughts tomorrow, but take a look at this thread I started...some of the same behaviors. I understand how it feels and it’s not great. Stay strong.

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/664545-am-i-oversensitive-my-wife-too-harsh-sorry-length-i-am-details-guy

Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[Wallysbears]

Is she currently taking any medications for the depression and bipolar?

 

Therapy is great and all...but sometimes it isn't enough.

 

 

If she IS on medications, perhaps you can go with her to a doctor's appointment and discuss either adjusting a dosage or changing the meds?

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend has a mentally ill ex-wife who has never had any treatment. Her problems got much worse after she had a child. He tried to make it work for years, but eventually had to end the marriage.

[BMI03]

My boyfriend has a mentally ill ex-wife who has never had any treatment. Her problems got much worse after she had a child. He tried to make it work for years, but eventually had to end the marriage.

 

How do you react to her temper tantrums? In my case, I would get upset. I would not react openly, but I would be so steamed inside.

 

Usually, my wife would be mad at something else, often a quite legitimate thing to be angry about, sometimes me, sometimes other things. However, she doesn't do a good job identifying internally what she is mad at, or that she even is mad. So, without realizing it, she externalizes that anger by getting upset with me for silly and stupid reasons. I in turn feel unjustly targeted for receiving her wrath for such a silly thing and I stop listening to her. It doesn't matter if her initial reason for being angry was completely legitimate or not...I am no longer listening to her or in any position to sympathize, now feeling attacked myself. So now we are both just mad at each other, and both feel right.

 

So we had to talk about this at a time when her head was cool. She knows she has a temper, but we had to be insightful and open in discussing how we get in fights. I told her that I want to hear her when she's upset. I want to know her concerns and address them when she feels upset, but that I can't listen to her when she is attacking me unjustly for something else. She wanted me to see her in that state and know something is wrong and to probe more. I told her it's like trying to pet a dog that just bit you. She feels volatile and dangerous to me in that state. She understood that analogy.

 

So now we try to meet in the middle. She tries hard to study her feelings to identify what she is really mad at. She has signed up for anger management courses to see if she can get some help with this. I in turn will try to look beyond the first contact reasons she gives when she is angry, and see if I can coax her to the real reason; and try to be less offended if I feel unjustly attacked.

 

The most recent example was last week. She had a cough for the last couple weeks, and in the morning tells me she thinks she has a sinus infection. I was in a room in our home working. She knew I had some phone meetings later in the afternoon, but she joined with our child and stretched out on the couch. I asked if she wanted me to take the afternoon off so that I could look after our kid but she told me no, that she just needed a 20 min nap.

 

So, her 20 min nap turns into 2 hours. I cancel a couple of phone meetings to occupy our child while she sleeps there. Then, our kid falls asleep, so I dial into the last call of the day and talk a little and then listen in.

 

My wife wakes up and tells me how disrespectful it was to take that call from this room when she was sleeping in it. That I should know better and that she is not feeling well and I am selfish. I in turn am pissed. Never mind that I could have happily planned my afternoon around cancelling all my calls, but she told me she just needed a 20 min nap but I ended up needing to take the two hours and cancel calls last min on my boss. But to wake up and be mad at me for taking that last call after our kid slept?!? I was pissed. It came to a head and I told her that I don't deserve to be treated this way and I am done being her kicking boy...that if she is pissed off about something in her life that makes her this way she needs to figure it out and solve it, because I am not going to be mr. nice guy anymore.

 

Result: turns out that she was really feeling sick and was looking for a loving husband to take care of her. When she told me she had a sinus infection in the morning, she wasn't making a conclusive statement about the cough she had for the last two weeks; she was making a statement about a new health problem that morning. We miscommunicated ed with each other. She thought she was telling me "I'm sick today, care for me" and I ignored it. And I thought she was saying "Hey, funny thing...that mild cough I have had the last couple of weeks, I think it's a sinus infection." as a status update type comment; then getting mad later at something I thought was crazy.

 

So, it all comes down to communication. And if she is too hot to communicate clearly, then this will continue to happen. And if you get offended, the same is true. It will take you both agreeing to look at issues you have with a clear head. Let her see that there is benefit in that, and that having you in a state of walking on eggshells isn't going to help your marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Never mind that I could have happily planned my afternoon around cancelling all my calls, but she told me she just needed a 20 min nap but I ended up needing to take the two hours and cancel calls last min on my boss.

 

Honestly, I would have woken her up after the agreed upon 20 minutes and gone about my (legitimate) business. You want to be caring but without enabling poor behavior. You can have empathy for her situation but the marriage still has to work for both of you. Otherwise, you build the resentment that eventually undermines the relationship.

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited December 12, 2018 by Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

I think that your wife needs a medication review as well as another stay in the hospital. Her behavior is dangerous and completely unacceptable.

[stillafool]

I don't know how you even stand her. Sorry for you and your kids.

[snowcones]

This is one of the reasons I'm afraid to get married. I don't want to be stuck with some cranky/mean person.

[preraph]

The stress of having young children is triggering her bipolar, and of course the postpartum depression is a very real very serious thing. it sounds like you're doing everything you can to manage it. I give you strong kudos for providing her with part-time help. She sounds like she is definitely stress triggered with the bipolar. I have an old friend who gets completely nuts at times because she is bipolar and also narcissistic sociopath per can see anyone else's point of view.

 

If you haven't already done so I do think she needs to be on some meds for her bipolar. Now it's possible that the meds for bipolar might fight with her meds for postpartum depression so you need a really good psychiatrist who knows how to prescribe for something complex. And you'll probably have to change until you find something that works. And of course it all depends on her taking her meds correctly. 85% of patience with psychological problems will not take their meds as prescribed.

 

clearly the children are putting more stress on her although I'm sure she loves them. But I think maybe it's time you had a talk with her about not having any more children and did something so that no accidents happen. It is very difficult on the kids. They won't be able to understand the mental illness part of this for a long time. You just have to tell them mommy is sick and doesn't mean it and love them very much can't always help when she gets in a bad mood.

 

I hope things smooth out for you.

[BettyDraper]

<snip>

 

If you haven't already done so I do think she needs to be on some meds for her bipolar. Now it's possible that the meds for bipolar might fight with her meds for postpartum depression so you need a really good psychiatrist who knows how to prescribe for something complex. And you'll probably have to change until you find something that works. And of course it all depends on her taking her meds correctly. 85% of patience with psychological problems will not take their meds as prescribed. <snip>

 

I second the importance of taking medication as prescribed.

Psychiatric patients can achieve normalcy as long as they take their medication and live healthy lifestyles.

Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[basil67]

The mental health issues of the now-ex H of one of my friends has caused PTSD in at least one of their kids.

[basil67]

I second the importance of taking medication as prescribed.

Psychiatric patients can achieve normalcy as long as they take their medication and live healthy lifestyles.

 

Not always. Despite always being compliant with meds, working with psycologists and wanting to be the best he could, the guy in my post above was never able to achieve normalcy.

 

Sometimes being able to take the edge off is the best that can be achieved.

[BettyDraper]

Not always. Despite always being compliant with meds, working with psycologists and wanting to be the best he could, the guy in my post above was never able to achieve normalcy.

 

Sometimes being able to take the edge off is the best that can be achieved.

 

Of course some people are too ill to be helped by any measures....that's why I used the word "can". It depends on the condition and the severity.

[preraph]

I agree "normalcy" is too much to hope for in the more serious disorders, but it should make her overall more stable and able to function better. It doesn't stop everything entirely.

[BettyDraper]

I agree "normalcy" is too much to hope for in the more serious disorders, but it should make her overall more stable and able to function better. It doesn't stop everything entirely.

 

I'll just say that if a person with severe mental illness is able to function as well as someone who does not have the same health issue, then he has achieved normalcy in the most literal sense. Obviously, he will still have challenges and bad days just like anyone else with a chronic illness.

 

Another factor is mental illness existing on a spectrum. Not everyone with severe mental illness has the same level of struggle with symptoms.

Edited December 12, 2018 by BettyDraper

[basil67]

I agree "normalcy" is too much to hope for in the more serious disorders, but it should make her overall more stable and able to function better. It doesn't stop everything entirely.

 

Exactly. They can function better than they were. But not necessarily at the level of someone who doesn't have a mental health condition.

[BettyDraper]

Exactly. They can function better than they were. But not necessarily at the level of someone who doesn't have a mental health condition.

 

I think you would be very surprised by the amount of successful and "normal" people who struggle with mental health conditions.

Stigma and ignorance is one of the difficulties with having any type of mental illness.

 

Going back to the thread topic, I think the OP's wife needs to experience consequences for her actions on top of receiving extra help.

She has to want recovery for herself.

[stateofpapa]

Thanks for the responses. I’ve read through them all.

 

In regards to medication, she is currently taking meds for depression and a mood stabilizer. Her previous psychiatrist had her only on a anti depression plan but after hospitalization and a new psychiatrist, they also included a mood stabilizer. As some of you noted, this is not an exact science but she does adhere to taking her medication. All of this is mixed in with high anxiety. Not a good combination with two little kids and all the normal stressors that come with little ones - and amazing things as well but that is hard for her to see in those dark moments.

 

In terms of other children, we have taken permanent measures to no longer have any other kids. This was a concern before having our second since it felt like we were barely making headway to a more stable place. We had put measures into place before the second arrived in terms of extra hands on deck, support, docs, but mental illness is a real thing. I’ve been having a tough time seeing where the illness starts and where her personal responsibility begins.

[BettyDraper]

Personal responsibility begins when your wife realizes that her actions affect others. It begins when she experiences consequences for her behavior such as a divorce if she puts her hands on you again. Finally, personal responsibility begins when your wife acknowledges that mental illness does not excuse her from the obligation to behave in a manner which is appropriate.

 

I feel that those who struggle with severe mental illness should not have children unless they have been very stable for a number of years. Mental illness is often exacerbated by stress and children bring a lot of stress to even the healthiest people.

Edited December 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote

[georgia girl]

I agree with posters that are saying there needs to be more “guardrails” so to speak around your wife’s behavior. It’s okay if you want to put up with it - you are an adult and you can make choices. But as the sole non-mentally I’ll parent of your two children, it is not okay to make them put up with it. Maybe the kids are fed, housed and generally loved, but a mom with explosive and unfair anger issues isn’t okay. And a dad that allows explosive anger episodes to happen in front of his kid is also not okay. She needs to understand that just saying she has a mental illness and taking some meds doesn’t make her behavior okay or acceptable. You wouldn’t tell a cardiac patient who took his aspirin and owner his illness that it wasn’t okay to take charge of his illness, get exercise and eat a healthy diet.

 

And, I can’t say this strongly enough, you are all your kids have. Advocate for them. Put them first. As much as the two of you may love each other and she may love the kids, it’s not enough when you are raising a family. The kids have to Come first.

[basil67]

What you're doing isn't enough. You need to remove the kids from her until she's stable. All access should be supervised and instantly end any time she behaves in a manner which they shouldn't be seeing.

[Wallysbears]

How active are you in being a part of your wife’s medical life and help?

 

Bipolar and PPD are major hurdles.

[BettyDraper]

What you're doing isn't enough. You need to remove the kids from her until she's stable. All access should be supervised and instantly end any time she behaves in a manner which they shouldn't be seeing.

 

This. I wish my father did that for me when my mother was an abusive tyrant.

[LightestofCadmiums]

This is a tough situation. If a person is seriously mentally ill, this usually renders them unable to see themselves (insight) as mentally ill, this is why they act different, if they had any insight or total control, then obviously they would not behave erratic and explosive.

 

It is an imbalance of chemicals, not a personality disorder. it is closer to schizophrenia with it's difficulty in balancing and stabilizing.

 

Do you have the funds or insurance for an inpatient long term stay?

 

Mental illness is a disease, yet people seem to have little empathy or concern for their welfare. No one chooses to be mentally ill and it is no different than a person suffering Alzheimer's or Dementia, yet the latter seems to receive all the fan fare, concern, sympathy, and empathy.

 

I hope life becomes easier for all of you with better treatment plans because the current plan does not seem to be working. There are new studies showing a club drug reverses bi polar and helps many of the similar type brain diseases. The drug does not cure personality disorders.

Edited December 14, 2018 by LightestofCadmiums