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Tired of incompetent husband (newlyweds)...


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Old 8th December 2018, 10:51 AM   #1
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Unhappy Tired of incompetent husband (newlyweds)...

Hello,

I'm desperately in need of some help with my marriage. We got married with my husband 2 months ago.
We've known each other for 3 and a half years. None of the things that are causing us trouble right now are
much of a surprise to me, but what's more surprising is the way my tolerance for these things has drastically
changed after getting married.

I'm extremely ashamed to say that these things make me doubt our marriage a lot and make me question
how long I can put up with this. I do not believe in divorce on light terms. I want to fight for this.
I also understand that sometimes I can be overreacting, because I'm freaked out by our new marriage.

Okay. So, my SO is a really loving, generous guy. I fell in love with him, because he seemed to me like a man
among all those immature boys I had dated. He had a steady job, a car, smart friends, he went to the gym...
Just the basic "I have it all together" kind of situation. I appreciated that, because I was so independent and
doing my own thing. I wanted to find someone who had their own goals in life.

There was one thing though. He was still living with his mother. I mean, he was only 24. Yeah, no big deal right?
Not all people go to college right away. (In my country most young adults move out by the age of 22 the latest).
After all, he did have a job, so it was not like he was lazy.

But I slowly started to notice, that the fact that he had not left his mom's house, had affected some of
his 'life skills'. He didn't know how to handle formal things, like government papers (student loan etc.).
He didn't know how to cook, wash dirty laundry, clean the house.... His mom had always done all those
things for him.

I, on the other hand grew up in a big family, where no one just had the time to do things for me.
I had to learn how to cook, clean and handle money when I was in preschool. I took care of my younger siblings,
went to the store every week to help my mom and helped clean the house.

But, because my SO was good with many other things like handling money, being romantic (yeah, the sex too)
and just all in all, being a really really good man for me, I ignored his lack of life skills and fell in love.

Now it's been 3 years and yes, he has learned some skills, but not even close to what I've had to know for many many years.

He doesn't have a clue what some of the basic kitchen items are for. He never does laundry or changes
the sheets of the bed. He doesn't know how to iron clothes, or fill out a tax form.
He takes 3 hours everytime he goes grocery shopping, because he doesn't know where to find stuff.
I've tried to show him how to do things, but I guess his ego gets in the way, because he forgets and gets
frustrated and mad. He tells me that I'm the one with the problem, because I'm not happy with him not doing
these things.

Maybe I am? I don't know. I'm just so tired of coming home from work that's very demanding, only to find
out that my SO is not the rock, the person I can count on to do his part in the house.
Instead, I feel like I come home to someone who constantly needs my help.

I've grown bitter towards him and even his mother, because she has never pushed him to do these things. ¨
Even to this day when we visit, his mom sits him down with a cup of coffee, but ask me to help her with cooking etc.

I don't want to feel this way. I want to love and respect my husband, because we have so much good.
He is my best friend. But how can I make him take care of our family and not always count on me like I'm his mother?

Today I came home ready to prepare dinner and I noticed he had eaten half the stuff I needed for the dinner,
because he didn't know what those things were for. I got so angry and frustrated that I just burst in to tears
and yelled at him. I'm scared to see myself like this. I'm scared that I'm gonna end up bitter and hating my husband.
I feel guilty because everyone keeps telling us that these first months of marriage should be blissful and romantic,
but all we do it fight.

Is this normal? I know "The first year of marriage is the hardest". How do you deal with these things?

Help, please....

Last edited by birdiebee; 8th December 2018 at 10:54 AM..
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Old 8th December 2018, 11:18 AM   #2
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With all due respect, you knew this about him before you got married. It doesn't exactly seem fair to your husband that you have changed your expectations, now that he has put a ring on your finger and said "I do."

It seems to me that you both have some maturing to do... In life, and in this marriage.
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Old 8th December 2018, 11:59 AM   #3
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You married a manchild.
He has been spoiled by his mother and no doubt there is a bit of "men don't do housework" mixed in there too. He passively aggressively doesn't 'get it'

IME it will just get worse.
You will get more and more frustrated, he will get pissed off and refuse to do anything. You will end up doing everything, building resentment as you go.
You want an equal team member, he just wants a new mother pandering to his every whim...
You have acquired a child.
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Old 8th December 2018, 12:20 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by birdiebee View Post
We've known each other for 3 and a half years. None of the things that are causing us trouble right now are
much of a surprise to me, but what's more surprising is the way my tolerance for these things has drastically changed after getting married.
That is because you raised your expectations after getting married, and you are around him more so you get your nosed rubbed in the annoying things more often now.

Quote:
Is this normal? I know "The first year of marriage is the hardest". How do you deal with these things?
I read the rest. Just no point in quoting all of it.

Cooking? Well I can whip up a great batch of "food poisoning" that could take out a whole family tree. So I eat out a lot.

He is still young enough that he could learn to improve. If he was 10 years older you might be screwed. But you are never going to get perfection. Be thankful for any improvements that you do get,...if he feels like any improvement he makes will never be good enough he will just shut down and stop trying. And don't forget that you aren't perfect either. He may have a list of annoyance about you to if he were here to ask.

Learning needs to be fun,...not punishment. So be careful how you approach it. It seems cooking and housework are the two big ones so just focus on them so you don't get overwhelmed with too many different "problems". Do the cooking/cleaning together and be light-hearted about it. Splash some soap on him and smear some gravy on his nose while you doing it,...laugh and make it fun. He will start to see it as something fun you do together rather than a chore he will be punished for if he doesn't. Eventually he will be at home alone, and may suddenly think, "You know we had a lot of fun cooking up some "XYZ",...I think think I try to make up some XYZ to surprise her when she gets home.

You two just got married. You have two roads you can go down.

1. Doom, gloom, despair, frustration, and hopelessness,....eventually, hate, and divorce

2. Taking what you have and doing something with it and try to make the challenges fun in some way.

Pick one.
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Last edited by PRW; 8th December 2018 at 12:24 PM..
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Old 8th December 2018, 12:26 PM   #5
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it's only housework, not life or death


you want perfection, which is just an impossibly high standard
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Old 8th December 2018, 1:22 PM   #6
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Ironing? I am American. Who the irons cloths these days?
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Old 8th December 2018, 1:24 PM   #7
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Does he work harder/make more money than you do??

Yes, It matters..

TFY
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Old 8th December 2018, 1:31 PM   #8
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wow

Okay, a lot of pretty straight forward answers, which is good.
Not many of you seemed to have really suggested any resolutions though?
I'm new to this forum, so not sure what to expect or think.

Quote:
it's only housework, not life or death


you want perfection, which is just an impossibly high standard
Maybe I didn't explain clear enough. It's not chores I'm talking about. He lacks the skill to take care of things and while he wants to improve, it's seems to be slowest process.

This is not life or death. So, should I shut up, because the only problems you're allowed to talk about have to be about life or death?

What makes you think I want perfection? I just want to find a way to improve our marriage. And I do realize I need to change as well, but that's why I'm here. I want to find solutions.

Quote:
That is because you raised your expectations after getting married, and you are around him more so you get your nosed rubbed in the annoying things more often now.
Okay, that sounds logical. I was thinking it might also be just plain "fear of being stuck with this". I guess, when you're dating, you let stuff go easier?

Quote:
Learning needs to be fun,...not punishment. So be careful how you approach it. It seems cooking and housework are the two big ones so just focus on them so you don't get overwhelmed with too many different "problems". Do the cooking/cleaning together and be light-hearted about it. Splash some soap on him and smear some gravy on his nose while you doing it,...laugh and make it fun. He will start to see it as something fun you do together rather than a chore he will be punished for if he doesn't. Eventually he will be at home alone, and may suddenly think, "You know we had a lot of fun cooking up some "XYZ",...I think think I try to make up some XYZ to surprise her when she gets home
I'm not talking about being messy either. I'm not into everything being "just the way I want it" or cleaning the house every single day. I'm an artist, so I usually do leave stuff around too, and it's not that he doesn't do _anything_.

It's more about WHEN we clean/cook/do the groceries I'm the one who knows how to do it, while he's just kind of standing there and asking "How do you clean the bathroom, honey?". It used to be funny, because I thought that once he learned those things, it would be easier. But he doesn't seem to learn them. And now that we're married I'm super scared that I will always have to tell him the same stuff over and over again.

I don't expect anyone to be perfect. I just wish that when he notices something he doesn't know how to do, he would try and learn it, google it, read about it... Just put some effort into it! Anything else, but not _always_ rely on me to help.

But all in all, this last comment that I quoted was really helpful and made me think, so thank you for that!

Quote:
With all due respect, you knew this about him before you got married. It doesn't exactly seem fair to your husband that you have changed your expectations, now that he has put a ring on your finger and said "I do."

It seems to me that you both have some maturing to do... In life, and in this marriage.
Expectations can change, because people change and grow and that's all part of life. But in this case, my expectations didn't change, my energy to deal with it just started running low. Ever felt that?
Like on your best day, in love, you feel like you can handle anything life throws at you and you only see the silver lining. But then something changes and you only see the despair and your own limitations.

This is why I wrote here. So people who probably have gone through something similar could support me and maybe give some friendly advice.

We all have maturing to do. I've met 50-year-old folks who struggle like they're 16. I think it is mature to ask for advice and admit that you no longer know what to do.

Thanks anyways. Not sure if this is how you're supposed to reply at this forum, but heck, I tried.
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Old 8th December 2018, 1:38 PM   #9
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Umm

Quote:
Originally Posted by thefooloftheyear View Post
Does he work harder/make more money than you do??

Yes, It matters..

TFY

No. We both work and make money the same amount. We both work equally physical jobs (me:warehouse, him:delivery guy).

This is not about him not doing _chores_. When I work we agree that he does them, and when he works, I do them. It's NOT about that.

It's that when we need to plan a trip - I plan it, because he doesn't know how.
When we need to plan our budget - I do it, because even though he's good at saving, he has no clue what stuff costs
When we moved in, I plugged in the TV, took care of the Wifi, did basically all the technical stuff...

It's because I grew up thinking that I need to know those things, while he grew up not thinking about it all.

This is not a housewife/working man kind of situation. If that's what you're suggesting.
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Old 8th December 2018, 1:41 PM   #10
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True

Quote:
Originally Posted by Simple Logic View Post
Ironing? I am American. Who the irons cloths these days?
lol I mean, for an example, when we have to go to a party and he has to iron his shirt

I guess American clothes don't have wrinkles on them?
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Old 8th December 2018, 1:43 PM   #11
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Hi, birdiebee.

Have you considered dividing household chores according to each person's skills and talents? That way, each of you contributes in the ways that you can give most value,
and will be complementing each other instead of being at logger-heads.

Also, so what if it takes him 3 hours to do the grocery shopping? If he's willing to put in that kind of time and effort into such a basically boring task, why not just thank him for it?

If he is interested in learning his way around the kitchen and/or laundry room, why not make it a fun learning experience for him as you teach him?
Or take some cooking classes together, or watch cooking/baking shows together?

Wishing you and your new husband lots of love, and fun, and happiness!
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Old 8th December 2018, 1:55 PM   #12
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How kind

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronni_W View Post
Hi, birdiebee.

Have you considered dividing household chores according to each person's skills and talents? That way, each of you contributes in the ways that you can give most value,
and will be complementing each other instead of being at logger-heads.

Also, so what if it takes him 3 hours to do the grocery shopping? If he's willing to put in that kind of time and effort into such a basically boring task, why not just thank him for it?

If he is interested in learning his way around the kitchen and/or laundry room, why not make it a fun learning experience for him as you teach him?
Or take some cooking classes together, or watch cooking/baking shows together?

Wishing you and your new husband lots of love, and fun, and happiness!

Thank you for a kind answer <3
Yeah, we've divided things, but our schedules are not consistent. Meaning, sometimes I have to work more than him and vice versa. That's why the same person can't always do the same stuff....
Some things I don't even ask him to do anymore though. So, I have made a lot of compromise to make this work.

I do thank him every time he goes to the store, but 3 hours after working 8, is a lot of time. It's always time away from our time together in the evening, or something else.
It doesn't bother me that much, except when we're in a hurry. That's when all the pressure piles up on me, because I'm scared to give him responsibility that he is unlikely to achieve.

I began to cry when you talked about the fun learning experience, because it used to be fun. We used to do all kinds of things together and I would show him how. But I guess that's when had just fell in love and he wanted to show that he cared.

I'm honestly afraid that he doesn't love me anymore.
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Old 8th December 2018, 2:31 PM   #13
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I get that things get hectic and pressures pile up. When that happens, can you let go of some of the chores, and just save them for another day?

In my hectic, 2-person home, I used to sometimes prepare and freeze meals ahead of time, for when it just got too late or we were too tired to feel like cooking after work.
Or we'd do take-out, or throw a frozen pizza or chicken pot-pie in the oven.

I'm guessing that there are reasons that you're not doing the shopping together -- we actually use that for 'bonding time' while also getting the task out of the way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by birdiebee View Post
I'm honestly afraid that he doesn't love me anymore.
birdiebee, what you're describing is more about him not doing things to your liking, which has nothing to do with his love for you.

I might be misinterpreting, but it comes across that you two just have different skill-sets and ways of doing things; and it's about getting okay with how he does it,
and that his way is not 'wrong' or inferior to your way.

Sending hugs.
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Old 8th December 2018, 3:02 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronni_W View Post
I get that things get hectic and pressures pile up. When that happens, can you let go of some of the chores, and just save them for another day?

In my hectic, 2-person home, I used to sometimes prepare and freeze meals ahead of time, for when it just got too late or we were too tired to feel like cooking after work.
Or we'd do take-out, or throw a frozen pizza or chicken pot-pie in the oven.

I'm guessing that there are reasons that you're not doing the shopping together -- we actually use that for 'bonding time' while also getting the task out of the way.


birdiebee, what you're describing is more about him not doing things to your liking, which has nothing to do with his love for you.

I might be misinterpreting, but it comes across that you two just have different skill-sets and ways of doing things; and it's about getting okay with how he does it,
and that his way is not 'wrong' or inferior to your way.

Sending hugs.
I can postpone the chores. That's not a problem. But someday someone has to do them. And it's not dishes and laundry.
I mentioned tax forms and student loans. I can't postpone everything. Life is always hectic. How can I trust him to do these things when someone has to do it?

I wish it were the chores only. Last month, he forgot to cancel a subscription to some page and that cost us our entire food budget (yes, money's tight). I wanted so much to understand him and just think "Hey, an honest mistake", but really I was thinking "Why does he always have to fail with important stuff?"

We lived one year apart from each other and he was supposed to apply for a school. I helped him look for options and it was fine. All he had to do was send the school his earlier diplomas and some other papers.
I wanted to trust him. But he forgot about it. He could've just put a notification on his phone. But he forgot.

The other day we had to pick up a package and it was pouring rain. He was supposed to come and pick me up, but he forgot. So I had to walk home alone with the 30lb box, in pouring rain.

I know, it sounds like I'm just unhappy with "mess". But it's not the mess. It's the anxiety of seeing all these articles about how your SO is the one person who's always there for you and I'm afraid my husband is like the Donald Duck. Always lost, in trouble, bad luck and not there.

It makes me so so sad.

When we shop together, he disengages himself completely, because he relies on me 100%. I look through the grocery list and try to joke with him, but he doesn't really listen. He goes through his phone and tells me "I'll be there in a minute".

But yes, that part is true. I often do see that my way is better. But can you honestly tell me that the situations I just described are from a normal marriage? That this is the way a husband should act towards his wife. I'm wondering if I could do something to motivate him? I don't know...


Thank you, though.
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Old 8th December 2018, 3:41 PM   #15
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What about a "Chore-Wheel"??

Also, do you think he might be afraid of the stove top or oven?? The only reason I ask is my girlfriend is deathly afraid to come into my kitchen when I am using the pressure cooker. I told her there are safeguards on these newer pressure cookers, but she is still very scared when I use mine. She also isn't very comfortable around some of my larger pots, I think the size and all of the boiling water or hot oil scares her.

As far as laundry, does he really know how to do it properly?? Is he afraid of ruining some of your clothes?? What about step by step instructions??
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