Haru-no-yuki Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 Life is good. Relationship is going well with the wife - great physically, excellent connection emotionally. Overall haven't been happier. Still, temptations exist to start new relationships. For example, currently being chased by a single mother - very hot, in her twenties. She knows my relationship status - follows me on Instagram and has seen my photos of me and the other half. Her aside, some other very cute girls are also on the radar, but I'm keeping my distance. I shared a cab with the single mom and kid on the way to my counselor and was very proper etc. We've known each other for a while now (we connected when I was going through my other breakup...). She's asking me to visit her home next weekend. How should I handle this/think about it logically? In general any other advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 You are getting the attention because your demeanor is telling these lady’s they got a shot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 She's asking me to visit her home next weekend. How should I handle this/think about it logically? In general any other advice? Tell her you'd love to but your wife has made plans. Ask her if it's okay if you, her and your wife get together next weekend. That should shut her up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I agree or just say thanks but no thanks. I am busy on weekends. No explanation needed. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Well it is hardly rocket science is it? You start acting like a married man and stop these "orbiters" dead in their tracks. She follows you on Instagram - pfft! She shared a cab with you to your counsellor???? I can just tell how well that is going... Married men who respect their wife and marriage do not act like that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 In general any other advice? Yes - get your head out of your groin and commit to your marriage - or become single. Haru-no-yuki, I've worked in the restaurant/nightclub business for decades, surrounded by beautiful women at every turn. And yet, not a single one has invited me to "visit her home"? Why is that? The answer is simple - as a happily married man, I don't give off that vibe or put myself in that position. I'd guess you were working the angles from the moment you maneuvered the joint cab ride. The ironic part is, were that energy invested in your marriage, it prevents the very scenarios you're asking about. You have bigger decisions to make than how to handle the flattery of hot single moms... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Life is good. Relationship is going well with the wife - great physically, excellent connection emotionally. Overall haven't been happier. Still, temptations exist to start new relationships. For example, currently being chased by a single mother - very hot, in her twenties. She knows my relationship status - follows me on Instagram and has seen my photos of me and the other half. Her aside, some other very cute girls are also on the radar, but I'm keeping my distance. I shared a cab with the single mom and kid on the way to my counselor and was very proper etc. We've known each other for a while now (we connected when I was going through my other breakup...). She's asking me to visit her home next weekend. How should I handle this/think about it logically? In general any other advice? Yes, see a therapist as to why you do these things. You have a history as a cheater. So figure out why and stop cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Things are not good with the wife if you are paying this much attention to these other women. A little flirting is harmless. What you are doing is encouraging this, for whatever reason only you know. Bounce all these interlopers off your social media & stop leading them on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
diddilybop Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 seriously? you want advice on how to handle this? get your head out of your a** and be a good, caring, loving husband to your wife or get a divorce. the way that you posted your question on here makes me feel like you're not really a happily married man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I shared a cab with the single mom and kid on the way to my counselor Lol. This cracked me up... you are flirting with another woman on the way to counselling... You talk about these “temptations” like these women are out to get you, like you have no control and it’s only a matter of time before you give in to temptations... The things is - you have control here. If you are firm in your commitment to your marriage, you will tell these women that you are happily married and that you are spending time with your wife - full stop. If you waiver, then you will see temptation everywhere and it is only a matter of time before you give in... the choice is yours. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 If you waiver, then you will see temptation everywhere and it is only a matter of time before you give in... give in...again...for the third or fourth time... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I agree it’s a vibe you’re giving off. When I was married I got no attention from men. When we broke up I was sure I’d never have another relationship because men didn’t dig me. But as soon as I picked myself up and dusted myself off there were plenty to choose from. When I was married I was just completely not interested. I’m getting into something more serious now for the first time since and also for the first time since my divorce I have no interest in attention from other men and I’m pretty sure they’ve stopped noticing me, too. Nobody’s flirting with me, at least. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 They chase you because you put them "on your radar" as sexual prospects, and they can tell. My advice, if you want to preserve your marriage, is to never spend time alone with any of these women. Don't flirt with them. Don't entertain their attentions or otherwise give them the impression that you are available to them. I have no history of cheating. I've never wanted or been inclined to cheat. I can't imagine myself EVER cheating. But I still back that up by making myself unavailable to other men. I don't spend any time alone/in private with men who aren't family. I don't flirt with other men. If men approach me, flirt with me, hit on me, etc., I immediately say something along the lines of "I'm flattered, but I'm quite taken." and then make sure I'm extra cordial/professional from that point on. Another thing I tend to do, which is a bit of a double-edged sword, is make myself look a little extra frumpy on purpose. When I'm in good shape and dressed anything resembling stylishly, I get a lot of unsolicited male attention. So I try to tone it down. I typically wear clothes that hide most of my body, cover my hair with a hat, never wear makeup, etc. The downside is that it's easy to justify gaining a few extra pounds, as long as my clothes still fit. and I STILL get random men stopping me on the street to tell me I'm pretty, asking for my name/number, etc. But it's a lot less. I don't know if this tactic would work as well for men in fending off women, since women often assign a lower priority to physical appearances. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 A decent and committed man would’ve told the hot single mom that she must be crazy, and he would’ve said the same thing to the others. You didn’t do that because you want to cheat and you like the attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 You are the one causing this. If you act this way while happy in your marriage - I can imagine how you act when you're not happy. Do your wife a favor and divorce her. Stay single forever knowing you only know how to act as a player. Men like you ought never get married. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 Men like you ought never get married. So true... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 If you were a happily married faithful man you wouldn't even need to ask. Most of us have options, you're not in a unique position, you are just clearly open to exercising those options. Link to post Share on other sites
diddilybop Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 (edited) Men like you ought never get married. agreeeeeeed. Most of us have options, you're not in a unique position, you are just clearly open to exercising those options. right? like, he think he's special case or it's an issue in being a major chick magnet, soooo much that there's nothing he can do about it. actually OP, you can do something about it - not reciprocate or get a divorce and be an eternal bachelor. Edited December 5, 2018 by diddilybop Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 If you were a happily married faithful man you wouldn't even need to ask. Most of us have options, you're not in a unique position, you are just clearly open to exercising those options. Indeed. If you were a happily married man, you wouldn't really even be noticing these options... The fact that you are noticing these women and you are here asking what you should do clearly demonstrates that you are still open to exercising those options... Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 So, would your wife be okay with you having a girlfriend, or with a poly relationship? Would you be okay with your wife dating another man, and perhaps having a poly relationship. Does MFM or FMF work for you and/or your wife? If YES to all of those, then go ahead. But, DO discuss it with your wife first, and then with the other woman, since she would have to be on board with sharing as well. It's not impossible. It works for us! We have an open, poly relationship, but not all the time, since we haven't found suitable permanent partners. But, long-term FWB? Sure! That works for us. Of course, we have great communication, and are in agreement about this. Talk to your wife about it, and see if she'd like to date, too. Then, maybe, she'll be okay with you doing so. Just be careful about what you ask for, because your wife will have far more options than you ever will. Link to post Share on other sites
diddilybop Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 (edited) It's not impossible. It works for us! We have an open, poly relationship, but not all the time, since we haven't found suitable permanent partners. But, long-term FWB? Sure! That works for us. Of course, we have great communication, and are in agreement about this. Talk to your wife about it, and see if she'd like to date, too. Then, maybe, she'll be okay with you doing so. Just be careful about what you ask for, because your wife will have far more options than you ever will. the issue is that OP has been actively cheating on his wife behind her back and is wondering how to navigate seeing other new women (while still cheating on his wife). OP and his wife are NOT in an open marriage. it'd be a different thing if he wanted to see someone new and hasn't broken his current commitment to his wife. Edited December 5, 2018 by diddilybop Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 OP, if still reading, how is this normally handled in your culture? How do your peers handle it? Your screenname sounds Asian and denotes a title of a movie set in Japan. Close? In general, people experience attraction to many people throughout life. It's a normal human condition. Part of the choice of being married and/or monogamous is to accept those attractions as real and valid and simply not act on them. People do it every day. You apparently have done it, like with the lady in the cab. Once you learn to accept them as what they are, moments in time, you can quickly move from each one and back to your primary relationship. As MW's over the decades were so fond of telling me, they're married, not dead. They and their spouse decide where their boundary is. Yup. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Great responses--so insightful and on the money. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 OP. remember your oath and the contract you signed? Honor it, and stay away from temptation and the flirting. Conduct yourself with honor and integrity....make it known you're happily married...most women will back off immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haru-no-yuki Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 OP, if still reading, how is this normally handled in your culture? How do your peers handle it? Your screenname sounds Asian and denotes a title of a movie set in Japan. Close? Still reading but haven't had time to reply, too many cab rides with single mothers keeping me busy (joke). 春の雪 or Spring Snow is originally a book by Yukio Mishima. Yes, I live in Japan and am married to a Japanese but I'm Western. Hardly anyone in this culture is faithful, from what I can tell. That said, I'm giving it a try and blowing off the attention as best I can. I'll say it again for emphasis, although I'm sure there are many on here who have their doubts, my marriage is actually very strong and loving. We are lucky to have very short commutes and work in the same area so we get to have a lot of time together at home and during the day. All that said, it's almost as if my wife expects me to not be completely monogamous. I'm off to Thailand for a business trip soon and afterwards meeting a guy friend there. My wife is like, go and enjoy but don't catch anything... Go figure. Actually I have no plans to be anything other than a wingman for my buddy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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