zouz71 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) you are an honest person , or believe you are , your life is perfect , except that your partner will never explore anything but Missionary sex, not even foreplay . You hunger for some variety is peak . You go on business trips , nobody can see what you do , How long can you survive refusing opportunities ? Edited November 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Can you add to the equation: why am I still with my partner? How much counselling we've done. Did I marry them knowing they were bad in bed or is it a recent thing? Are there children involved? Is the partner willing to have an open marriage? It's not a cut and dry answer ...and very much needs context. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I wouldn't be with someone, committed to them, if we were sexually incompatible. Lack of foreplay itself would be a dealbreaker that wouldn't get past the casual association stage. Why? Strips the relationship of everyday physical affection. Why bother? Might as well hang with my buds and drink beers and talk cars. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouz71 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Share Posted November 28, 2018 Can you add to the equation: why am I still with my partner? How much counselling we've done. Did I marry them knowing they were bad in bed or is it a recent thing? Are there children involved? Is the partner willing to have an open marriage? It's not a cut and dry answer ...and very much needs context. why am I still with my partner? -We seperated legally for one year , and took the opportunity and lead to reconcile despite that I know she is like that , I hated to see the whole family collapsing , it hurts more than deprivation . Did I marry them knowing they were bad in bed or is it a recent thing? we are married since 1998 , no didn't know , I had higher pririty in life of building a family . we have 3 kids ( 19,16,10). Partner is not willing to have open marriage . I am not travelling nowadays on purpose , cause temptation, availability is high . Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouz71 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Share Posted November 28, 2018 I don't want to loose my family , but curious if I will pass the few years I might have in my life ast least as a potent guy without real satisfaction . I appreciate if ppl in similar situation respond , as they know what I am talking about ... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 It's perfectly healthy, and perhaps even healthier, to co-parent when both parents are feeling fulfilled and positive about their personal, romantic, and sexual lives. If that's not with each other, that's simply how it is. Where I live a legal separation is like a divorce, custody and financial issues are settled, people live separately and co-parent, etc, etc. The only thing they can't legally do is remarry. That requires a divorce. They can live with others, date others, be in quite committed and healthy relationships. I would have gotten divorced, and did, when my exW soured the milk. Didn't have sex with anyone even though opportunities with both married and single women occurred. Only mistake was not pulling the trigger sooner. Damage from lingering on still lurks in the back of my consciousness and has soured my view on women in general as healthy partners. Still treat them well but don't consider any as viable. I see that lack of foreplay issue every day and it reminds me of a woman letting me love her. Never again. Good luck with your life and hug the kids. True gifts. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Sex is only one component of a marriage. If you are having trouble keeping your vows because you want more then missionary sex only your marriage has a very weak foundation & you have questionable ethics. But since this is where you are, you best tell your spouse that if the sex doesn't change you want out. Don't cheat just get divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Personal integrity means doing the right thing when no one is watching. To answer your question, I would not cheat on my partner. It’s just not who I am. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lucky-girl Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I don't believe marriage is all about sex or that it's even the most important thing. Too many times I've heard people (mainly men) say "If we don't have a good sex life what's the point in being married?" - as if the only point of marriage is to have a live-in sex buddy(aka personal whore). But sex is a huge drive and good sex can make us very happy, and lack of can be pretty sad. I wouldn't blame you for cheating if your partner is really so unloving. But have you really tried every possibility to rectify the situation? Couples/sex therapy should be tried. Your first step should be to talk to her about what you want and why it's important. Speaking as a woman who's been on the other side of this, how you approach this (and every time sex comes up) is very important and delicate. Eg. when my husband used to say, "I can't sleep are you coming to bed?" - I heard, "I want to use your body for sex so I can get to sleep. I could use my hand but it's more fun for me to use you." So, of course the last thing I wanted was sex. And when any caressing is taken as something you do to get sex its a turn off. So if you say, "Sex with you is boring. You should do XYZ to make it more exciting for me," - or anything that can be remotely interpreted as such - you'll only make it worse. You need to make it clear that you crave intimacy and affection and physical expressions of love. That you desire her because you love her and think she's sexy, not because she's the only woman available. That you want to explore and experiment with her because you want to have fun together and grow closer. And of course, you want to give her pleasure. If I were you, if you gave therapy/councelling a good long try and made no improvements, then I'd talk her around into an open marriage or something. Of course, if you're exaggerating (or I'm misunderstanding the situation) and you have a reasonable sex life but you just want a 'porn' version then I take it back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 You have already separated a year over this issue. Have enough respect for your wife to not expose her to the risk of an STD or the trauma of you knocking someone up while you are still married. Get a divorce and go have sex with who ever you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 You go on business trips , nobody can see what you do , How long can you survive refusing opportunities ? I'm not refusing any opportunities for sex, especially if I'm on an "out of town" business trip. There is no way my long term partner will know or find out and I'll never tell. My sex life with my long term (almost 7 years) girlfriend is rather "vanilla". I mean its OK, but nothing to write home about. A few years ago (while dating this person) a quasi-business associate wanted to have sex and I jumped at the opportunity. It was beyond GREAT!! This fling was never meant to go anywhere, just some wild sex (over a 2-3 week period). I checked a few "sexual" things off my bucket list, as well. I didn't get caught, so I'll take my little secret to my grave. I don't know if this is a fair comparison to your situation, as I've never been married nor had any children. And yes, if my "fling partner" called me up and wanted to get together for a repeat performance, I'm definitely going to take her up on it. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Integrity matters to me. In your situation, I would either leave her, or tell her that I may pursue my options when traveling. She can choose to accept that (despite being against an open relationship), divorce you, or she can expand her sexual repertoire in hopes of changing your mind. Once she is told, she can make her own informed decision as to what she thinks is best for her and the family. Or she can do nothing, which is the same as tacit approval of your stated intentions. In my own case, I chose to divorce my ex after 20+ years due to a worsening sex life and increasing meanness. I gave her a chance to change, but she wasn't interested in even trying. I am much happier now, in a far better relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I wouldn't betray my husband that way. It would devastate him. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I believe that the mistake people make alot is not realizing the personal emotions of cheating. In theory it sounds simple, nothing but sex, it means nothing. Then the shame and guilt hit, the inability to make eye contact. I believe under the right circumstances we can all find ourselves physically drawn, can one handle the emotional fallout that follows Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Man in long term relationship, bored with sex with wife, contemplates affair/going to prostitutes, divorce etc. just needs I think to just ask for a divorce and just do it. I see no point in causing all the hurt and hassle of "forcing" or blackmailing her to perform (just likely to build up more resentment), or ask to "open" up the marriage (can be very upsetting for someone who thinks they are with the "love of their life" and how do they cope with you walking out the door to have sex with another woman, monogamous people do not cope well with that) or risk being found out cheating or going to prostitutes (serious damage to trust and self esteem that can last for decades). Just rip off the plaster, life is too short to mess about and most of all that messing about is far more hurtful and damaging than asking for a clean divorce. You move on, she moves on... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I believe that the mistake people make alot is not realizing the personal emotions of cheating. In theory it sounds simple, nothing but sex, it means nothing. Then the shame and guilt hit, the inability to make eye contact. I believe under the right circumstances we can all find ourselves physically drawn, can one handle the emotional fallout that follows Many BSs report that the cheating spouse is hell to live with during the affair. They turn into different people. Jekyll and Hyde. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Try surviving in a sexless marriage completely void of emotional expression and you would howl at the moon over only missionary position. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 It's always pretty much been my belief that most people are only as honest as their options. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Many BSs report that the cheating spouse is hell to live with during the affair. They turn into different people. Jekyll and Hyde. For the most part mine was different, with the exception of very odd comments here and there she was better. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I am not travelling nowadays on purpose , cause temptation, availability is high . So the deprivation is so great you feel it every day, but you're going to address that need by dipping your toe into the pool of infinite sexual possibilities only once or twice? Slippery, slippery slope. If my wife served me mac and cheese for dinner every night, I'd rather discuss her cooking - or take it over myself - than try to solve the problem by eating out (bad pun!) a couple times a year... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouz71 Posted November 29, 2018 Author Share Posted November 29, 2018 (edited) I appreciate your comments ; let me just say that I have no intention to divorce ; family is more important to me than anything in the world . Wife will never go into counseling , I am fine with that , it is the take it or leave this way ; she is just happy with this lifestyle , secured financially and having intimacy at her dose. I was not running after prostitutes when travelling and , actually never did . Sexual life is moderate with couple of times a month , though my urges are for couple of times a week . I am just describing that temptation is very high especially when I travel , so I stopped traveling . Of course this doesn't resolve the problem , but shields me from slipping . The idea is that while on travel in conferences and business trips , one can see a lot of opportunities , and being in the dark , it is tempting . Just ranting and saying I feel vulnerable . Edited November 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 Sounds like you've done well to remove yourself from temptation. Does your wife know how you feel about your marriage? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouz71 Posted November 29, 2018 Author Share Posted November 29, 2018 (edited) She knows and was clearly communicated in a good way avoiding any sarcasm , for her she is satisfied with what we have in terms of frequency and approach, that's what she can give . I just hope by at the end , I will commit keep my family and faithful wife with minimum damage . At the end if I slip like what i have done during separation for couple of times in 20 years , it is much better than destroying a family . I made my choices , happy with them , family is first .The hard choices come when opportunity comes . It is tempting , we are human at the end . I am just curious how ppl in similar position they act ... and what level of secret life they have . Edited November 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge and fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 How does your wife respond if, while making love, you go down on her? Can you spice up her sex life? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 29, 2018 Share Posted November 29, 2018 I am just curious how ppl in similar position they act ... and what level of secret life they have . I have two friends, both successful business owners, whom have had side relationships for years, one with the same partner and the other serially. They don't seem embarrassed or contrite and, having all been friends for 20 years, are pretty open in talking about it. I love my wife, would never live my life that way but understand everyone is different... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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