Joe Married Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 (edited) Im married 20 years with 3 awesome kids, to the outside world im a happily married man that most people would be envious of, but behind the scenes my wife has been emotionally abusive towards me for many years. But here’s the catch, she brings in the cash, she’s a driven motivated saleswoman who rakes in 3 times what I make. My job is ok but without this marriage holding things together I wouldn’t be able to live the lifestyle I am living. Ive built so much up on this marriage with 3 kids and we are very comfortable, I do not want to throw that away, yet Im fighting a losing battle with a control freak abusive wife. What would an average Joe from a poor family do in this situation? I know most of you would probably say just divorce but it’s not that easy, being financially comfortable and not on my ass poor like I was for most of my youth is a big thing for me, Im not sure I could mentally handle being out on my ass again, despite the abuse Im copping staying in marriage, getting out feels like an even worse option right now. Dont just dismiss money over love as though money means nothing, coz the reality in todays world is that it does! Thoughts anyone? Edited November 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to MLP Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 Hmmm Have you two done counseling together or have you gone alone? You do know you'll likely get spousal support, right? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 You know what they say, "those who marry for money, earn every penny." I would talk to a lawyer before making any decisions. You should make an informed decision, knowing that you should be entitled to half of the assets you have acquired together and probably spousal support. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 I know most of you would probably say just divorce but it’s not that easy, being financially comfortable and not on my ass poor like I was for most of my youth is a big thing for me, Im not sure I could mentally handle being out on my ass again, despite the abuse Im copping staying in marriage, getting out feels like an even worse option right now. Sounds like you have already made up your mind. We can't wave a magic wand and increase your salary to the level to which you have become accustomed... I guess she has little respect left for you, hence what I guess is contempt and resentment shown in the past few years. Would she agree to MC? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 The situation in my first marriage was a bit different from yours, but perhaps principally similar. The stakes were lower in terms of dollars, my ex-husband never made a whole lot of money, but I was a stay-at-home mom and so even though we were poor and he could barely hold a job, the continuation of the lifestyle I was accustomed to depended on staying married to him. I knew that if I left, I would have to go get a job AND accept a material downgrade in just about every area of life (housing, diet, leisure, etc.) to get by on my own. The fear of that put me off for a little while, but eventually I came to the conclusion that it just wasn't worth it. Even if he got a really good job and I didn't have to worry about money at all, that's not worth the darkness and despair of being continually mistreated by the person who is supposed to love you and have your back. It's been surprising to me just how far I was able to downgrade, considering we were poor before. My bedroom now is literally a closet under the stairs, just big enough for a twin futon on the floor with barely enough room to stand at the foot of the bed without hitting my head (the kids got the real bedroom). My clothes are all old and starting to wear out. I don't have a car. I can't afford to go out anywhere. Probably half my diet is technically expired food. And it is DELIGHTFUL. That's how I know I made the right choice. Being on my own, working hard, and scraping by with virtually nothing to my name is better than having material comfort handed to me at the mercy of a person who does not treat me with love and kindness. I don't think anything is worth that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 Like my exW used to say, if I'm going to be unhappy I might as well be rich and unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 I do sort of understand your sentiment, but... Do you think the lifestyle you live is worth all of the emotional abuse? Unless you do both go to counselling and she is willing to work on those issues, nothing is going to change. Ever. You say your "job is ok". Can you survive on it? I know there will be a significant downgrade to your lifestyle, but I've found it much more fulfilling to live independently and poor than mooching off others. Is there an opportunity to further your career? As in, could you build up to better jobs by perhaps getting further education? I would say that if you were to leave, you'll have the space mentally to be able to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 I recall one MW who used to opine she do her grocery list while her H was banging away? A lie? IDK, but she had no problem to admitting to sexual interactions with other men. She stayed for many years. Children and lifestyle. Social and family status. It's a thing. Perhaps not for everyone but yup for some. Those who are used to abuse, perhaps having a lifetime of it, learn coping mechanisms. I learned some from my exW who'd been abused as a child. She was very pragmatic about relationships. Or so I'd learn later Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 19, 2018 Share Posted November 19, 2018 Thoughts anyone? I'm old enough to have attended a few funerals and have sat with good friends during their final days. Not one said "wish I had another $100K". The regrets spoken almost universally pertained to life choices made for the wrong reasons. False pride, unrealized love or ambition and/or the pursuit of money at the expense of other, more important things. Consider this a visit from the ghost of Christmas future... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 19, 2018 Share Posted November 19, 2018 Money can’t buy you happiness. Which do you value more? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 19, 2018 Share Posted November 19, 2018 I would stay, just learn to tune her out and get a ton of diversions. Coach all 3 of your kids in sports for all 4 seasons...that will keep so busy, you will be like roommates that never see each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted November 20, 2018 Share Posted November 20, 2018 Hi Joe M, I wanted to ask you a couple of questions. Firstly, how often are you intimate with your wife if at all? Is there a spark of whatever you thought brought you two together still alive and flickering somewhere buried deep inside? If there is, is it a reciprocal feeling? Secondly, how did you and your wife get together in the first place? How old were you two and what were your job prospects at the time meeting each other? Were you both working or were you the only one and she got into the work stream later in your relationship? I am presuming your qualifications are at par. Would be obliged if you could answer these queries. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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