wanderingheart88 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Hey Everyone! Hope I'm in the right thread. My husband and I just passed our 3-year mark in marriage. We didn't celebrate our anniversary because there was a death in the family... We both have made no effort to celebrate it at all. We're going through a rough patch filled with indecisiveness and struggling with past regrets. We've both tried to unravel what the root of our issues are but we can't seem to find it. Yesterday, however, we may have discovered where part of the problem lies... He wants children and I don't. My husband and I have a messy past but we're both very work oriented and that's what kept us both going as a couple. We understand each other and respect each other's drive. At times, I'll admit, that life gets lonely and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a little one. Yesterday, we had a fallout. It wasn't a screaming match but when my husband hung his head and muttered that he has to face the fact that he will never have children... it tore me apart. I didn't realize that I had danced around the issue for so many years. He says it's not my fault because I had told him at the beginning that I didn't want kids. I tend to have moments where I'm like alright let's do it, let's start a family! But fear sets in and I suddenly back off. When I saw my husband in the kitchen with his head in his hands and defeated it took everything I had to not run in there and say I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. Which is my usual response. I don't want to give false promises anymore but it hurts me to see him like this. Now we're at, yet again, another crossroads. He won't leave, he doesn't believe in divorce but I feel like I just ruined him and he doesn't deserve that. I have my moments where I would like to be a mom but honestly, I can picture my life without kids. If we don't have children I'm afraid he will resent me in the upcoming years and regret staying with me. I don't want to be the reason for his unhappiness. I don't know what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Mrschaney Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 He hoped you would change your mind or accidentally get pregnant. That hasn’t happened and hes upset. If I were you, I either have a child or start the divorce . This will only end badly if you don’t really want a baby. Im of the belief if you dont want them, you really shouldn’t have them as a child is 50% work, 25% worry and 25% joy. Its hard to be a parent. If I had not wanted one and my husband did, I would have moved on so he could. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sabaton Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 If you don't want kids and he wants them - the only action to take is to end the marriage. Or he'll end up ressenting you, and the marriage will turn rotten before you know it. People who want kids aren't going to be able of turning off their desires just like that. Or at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 What are your reasons for not wanting kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Wanderingheart88 - You sound ambivalent in this procreation issue. You did not want children, but now you sometimes fantasize about having a little one. You sometimes say 'lets do it' and then fear sets in. What is your fear regarding parenting? My wife and I waited years into our marriage before deciding to have a child (generally due to finances), but our finances did improve and we realized that it was now or never. Our son is young man now and I believe that our life would be empty without him. I suspect that you are around 30, and if that is the case then you will soon reach the point were it is 'now or never.' I advise that you spend a week or a month and think long and hard about having a child. What will your life be like with a child or without one. Then discuss the issue with your husband. After that you make the decision one way or another, none of this Hamlet business. Sometimes in life you must follow Admiral Farragut and say 'damn the torpedoes full speed ahead.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 It sounds like you really care about each other, but there's only one thing that you can do at this point. If he really wants kids, then that should be a deal breaker for him. He should find someone who wants kids. This will only get worse over time and he will continue to resent you. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 What do you do? In your case, divorce. If I recall, there is a bigger issue in your marriage. Your not the right person for him. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I didn't realize that I had danced around the issue for so many years. If we don't have children I'm afraid he will resent me in the upcoming years and regret staying with me. I don't want to be the reason for his unhappiness.. This is not an issue that you want to dance around... this is a conversation that should have been had before you married because you are fundamentally incompatible if you do not agree. Whatever you decide, do not have children if there are problems in your marriage and do not have children because you think it will make your husband happy. Children deserve to be wanted and loved. Edited to add - ah yes - you are married but in love with your husbands best friend. Children won’t help that problem. Don’t bring children into your marriage thinking that they will “fix” it - that is the worst decision you could ever make... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 We're going through a rough patch filled with indecisiveness and struggling with past regrets. We've both tried to unravel what the root of our issues are but we can't seem to find it. Regardless of your other issues, I wouldn't bring children into the marriage you describe anyway. A child adds more issues to deal with, something your relationship doesn't need and seems ill-prepared to handle... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 No, don't have a child with your husband because he isn't the man you're in love with. You know you don't want kids, own it and file for divorce. Let your husband be free to find a woman who truly wants him, loves him and wants a family with him. Having a child will not make you stop loving J. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Please do NOT have a band aid baby to fix your marriage. It’s not fair to give a baby a job when their born-in your case, the job is binding you to your husband because he senses that you never loved him and you’re pining for someone else. I used to fantasize about having a baby too. I came to realize that I was allowing my hormones to lead me and having a baby would have been a big mistake. I would have lost all of my freedom and disposable income. There would be no more luxury vacations or even time to be a couple. Lastly, I believe that having kids is suited to younger couples and my husband would have been pushing 50 at that point. I wasn’t interested in rolling the dice with respect to birth defects and disabilities which are more likely with older parents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 You need to ask yourself, Are you the type of person who truly never wants kids or do you just not want kids with your husband? You love J, so I can see why the thought of having kids with Al is not a great prospect for you. As Al wants kids and maybe you would want kids with the right father, it all seems a bit sad to deny yourselves kids, just because you married the wrong man. Nor is it any better to force yourself to have kids, so as not to disappoint a man you do not even love, as you feel kind of guilty for loving J. That is a recipe for disaster if ever I saw one. Let Al go, so he can find a nice wife who will love him and be proud to have his kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sabaton Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 What are your reasons for not wanting kids? What are someone's reasons to have children? This is a personal experience, but when people ask me why I don't have kids, and when I'm going to have kids(women my mother's age, women who watch me grow up etc) I tell them ''one of these days'' because you know, if you don't want kids there's gotta be something wrong about you, and even if you explained why you don't want to have kids, people wouldn't understand in any case But, let's see why someone wouldn't want kids. In my case. I'm not the Duke of Braganza. I don't have hereditary titles to pass on to the next generation. I don't possess wealth, nor land, nor real estate. And I am not a man of extraordinary personal beauty. Nor am I the owner of atheletic talent like Cristiano Ronaldo is, or Pelé, or George Best. Considering that there are 7 billion human beings, resources aren't going to last forever, and with the way the world is.. it's not like Mankind is going to end if I don't breed. Are you the type of person who truly never wants kids or do you just not want kids with your husband? Why would she marry her husband if she wants kids but doesn't want to have kids with him????????? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 What are someone's reasons to have children? This is a personal experience, but when people ask me why I don't have kids, and when I'm going to have kids(women my mother's age, women who watch me grow up etc) I tell them ''one of these days'' because you know, if you don't want kids there's gotta be something wrong about you, and even if you explained why you don't want to have kids, people wouldn't understand in any case But, let's see why someone wouldn't want kids. In my case. I'm not the Duke of Braganza. I don't have hereditary titles to pass on to the next generation. I don't possess wealth, nor land, nor real estate. And I am not a man of extraordinary personal beauty. Nor am I the owner of atheletic talent like Cristiano Ronaldo is, or Pelé, or George Best. Considering that there are 7 billion human beings, resources aren't going to last forever, and with the way the world is.. it's not like Mankind is going to end if I don't breed. Why would she marry her husband if she wants kids but doesn't want to have kids with him????????? Never said there was anything wrong with someone not wanting to have kids. I don't think that at all. Link to post Share on other sites
sabaton Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Never said there was anything wrong with someone not wanting to have kids. I don't think that at all. yeah, I agree with you. And I know you didn't mean that, it's just that people seem to be fixated on having kids, and if you don't want them they will always try to find a why to it lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 There is a facebook group/page called "I regret having children" The page posts messages sent to them as anonymous posts and people comment and offer advice. The different posts and comments are well worth a read as they offer many personal insights into the decisions made at certain times and how life/love and changing circumstances affect this over time. Many people think that once a child is born, you will absolutely unconditionally love it and being a parent and will never regret your decision as that is the rhetoric of many parents. "Couldn't imagine life without my baby" etc. But this page shows that is not always the case and many secretly habour huge resentment and sadness over their decision and feel stuck. So much shame is associated with these feelings as well it must be so hard to deal with it. It's good that they can vent their feelings in this way and realise they are not alone. Anyone struggling with a decision either way about having or not having children would be wise to look at this more unknown and darker side that many do indeed struggle with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sabaton Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 (edited) There is a facebook group/page called "I regret having children" The page posts messages sent to them as anonymous posts and people comment and offer advice. The different posts and comments are well worth a read as they offer many personal insights into the decisions made at certain times and how life/love and changing circumstances affect this over time. Many people think that once a child is born, you will absolutely unconditionally love it and being a parent and will never regret your decision as that is the rhetoric of many parents. "Couldn't imagine life without my baby" etc. But this page shows that is not always the case and many secretly habour huge resentment and sadness over their decision and feel stuck. So much shame is associated with these feelings as well it must be so hard to deal with it. It's good that they can vent their feelings in this way and realise they are not alone. Anyone struggling with a decision either way about having or not having children would be wise to look at this more unknown and darker side that many do indeed struggle with. ehhh, I dunno. I'm torn about this subject. In one hand, part of me would love to have children. I look at Ramesses II and how he had over 200 children, and then I look at Genghis Khan and I realize he had over 3000 sons.. and I'm impressed and envious as hell. But then I think about how there are 7 billion people and most people are nothing special, physically, aesthetically, and mentally, and I reckon that my chances of producing a Brad Pitt are nill, and my chances of producing a man like Cristiano Ronaldo are even lower than that... yeah. But I do get those baby-making urges from time to time. When that occurs, instead of looking at girls I find to be attractive and imagining what they look like naked, I'm looking at those girls and picturing what our sons in common would look like Edited November 17, 2018 by sabaton Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 both of you need to file for divorce. your husband is still young enough where he can remarry and have kids with another woman who wants to procreate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Based on this thread and your other thread where you state that you regret marrying your husband I think a divorce is the best course of action 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I have a friend who was in your position except she told him at some point she didn't want kids but would have one to appease him. Ever since she had the child, she's been like a prisoner. She hasn't been able to work and he doesn't make enough money to make things any easier, and she has to rely on him for every scrap of money and is just miserable. Now, she's not miserable with her child, but it changed her entire lifestyle and she had other interests until she tied herself down. At one time she had a little writing career and then some graphics work. Now her child just went into school, which she's been counting down the days for, the only work she can find there locally where she can still do everything for her child is working in the school cafeteria. But at least she has a little money now. You sound like you're slightly on the fence but would rather not have kids. I'm 66 and never had kids. Yes, I do think I lost one man over it, but that was probably for the best. I have no regrets. Like you, I thought, Oh, maybe one day I'll adopt a teenager or something. I never wanted to actually have one, but I have empathy for and do better with (or did back then) older kids. I've worked two jobs much of my life but I was never in a position where I could afford to do justice to a child, really. I feel bad for your husband too, but he should have respected that you had a thinking brain enough to believe you back when you first told him. Like my friend, I can guarantee you, he won't be the one doing everything for the child or missing work when the child is sick. So your entire life will change. And if it's not something that sounds good to you, I want you to remember that it's a foolish person who wants to foist a child upon someone who doesn't even want one. They're not thinking of the child but only themselves. And they won't be the one to make the sacrifices. Do you guys even have pets? If not and you're home enough to do right by them, then maybe that would fill a void for him and they're lots more fun and less trouble and expense. There are plenty of people on this earth who want nothing more than to have kids and shower them with love and make that their lifestyle. That's who should have them. Now, you can ask him if he wants to be a stay-at-home dad and do it all after the 3 months of breastfeeding and you can go back to work and your life. But I bet he doesn't want one that bad. I could be wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 If he wants kids and you don't, then I'd get out now. My husband left a long-term relationship (right before we met) because he wanted kids, and he thought she did too until she decided she didn't last minute. Even fourteen years later, he told me he still resents her for leading him on. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 I know a guy who is married and they have no children. It isn't an issue because he was rich enough to have a few mistresses on the side, and one of them got pregnant. He now has what he wants - a family. His wife ignores the situation - her attitude is that if he wants kids and she doesn't, he can have all the kids he wants with the breeder (her words, not mine) and she's fine with it as long as she isn't affected by it. Hey, it works for them... Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 You think you don't want to have kids, but you just don't want to have kids with your current husband, if and when you find another man you consider 'alpha' you will realize you want to have his babies...this is the same dynamic with women who have hot sex at college, do crazy things in college sexually with 'alphas' e.g bj, 3some etc but won't even give their husbands a 'bj' even if to save their marriage..or the cheating wife having hot sex e.g anaal he refused to let dear husband try Divorce him, you want kids, and you will have kids, but not with him, he is a 'beta' to you,your subconscious is tell you this...get an alpha.. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 ^ Oh, geez. If he's that alpha, he probably doesn't care that much about having kids himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 All this alpha/beta stuff is complete nonsense. So only alphas have kids, yeah right... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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