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distance v dreams


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I love my husband & I think we have a strong marriage.

 

I have always been open about my "dream job". It got posted today. I'm scared to apply. I know that is silly & should apply, see what happens & cross this bridge when I come to it but . . .

 

My dream job is in another state. I want to teach at a particular institution, my alma mater, so no I can't find it here.

 

DH's job is here. He loves it! It does not exist where I want to go.

 

If everything else stayed the same we'd be 3+ hours apart, without traffic. Be case scenario even if he got transferred to the state where I want to be, we'd be 2.5+ hours apart. No I don't want to live in the middle & have both of us commuting 3 hours R/T per day. Plus the allure of the dream job is being an involved faculty member & enjoying the cultural enrichment of the university environment.

 

So how does a distance marriage work, assuming you can easily see each other every weekend? Not much would really change. We don't always eat together. We rarely go to sleep or wake up at the same time.

 

Am I asking for problems by even dreaming about this? It certainly isn't a reality yet. I haven't even submitted a resume. IF DH changed jobs, he probably have to take a 50% salary decrease & would lose his pension. That is unacceptable.

 

So do I send in my resume & hope for the best?

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Happy Lemming

Have you discussed it with your husband?? Gotten input from him??

 

Maybe you & hubby could see each other on the weekend?? Would he like some alone time during the week and see you on the weekends??

 

Maybe try the "dream job" for 6 months to a year and see how your marriage is holding up... doing the weekend thing?? Distance may even strengthen your marriage?

 

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" - Francis Davison

 

You don't want him to quit his job... The pension aspect sounds GREAT!!

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We lived apart for 5 years. I took another position as my job played out. The realty market had nosedived and we couldn't afford to sell. So we lived in split residences with my wife keeping her business running. 2.5 hours apart.

 

You will live two separate lives.

Seeing each other on the weekend? Iffy long term. Drive time there and back cuts that down quite a bit not including the fatigue factor.

No matter what you will become distant.

I would not do this again (although we had no choice at the time)

A marriage is strong until it isn't.

If your H has to downgrade his position (less pay, seniority, etc) there is probably going to be resentment.

 

Better way the pros and cons. There are some huge cons here.

 

How long until retirement?

Edited by Marc878
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My parents did this for a few years when his job was eliminated and he went back to work for the family business. It was hard on my dad - physically (all the driving) and emotionally. It took a toll on everyone and they decided that it was not sustainable long term.

 

I also wonder how long until retirement? And depending on your class schedule, you may be able to have a flexible work schedule and creat some long weekends...

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Hmmm, my partner and I have been doing the 3 hour drive back and forth for 5 years now. We have 2 years left to go to close the distance. We spend probably 9 out of 10 weekends together and half the summers together when I’m not working. It’s become a way of life and we love our time together as much now as 5 years ago, but it’s not easy. I definitely couldn’t do it with no end in sight.

 

If it’s for just a couple years, I’d say give it a try. But long term? I don’t see how a marriage wouldn’t suffer. As much as we are together on the weekends and communicate throughout the week, there is a level of closeness/intimacy we just can’t obtain not seeing each other 5 days a week. I can’t imagine having that and then losing it. Plus, it’s exhausting to make the trip so there’s always a recovery day when we return home. If you’re not able to see each other every weekend, the relationship just won’t be the same. I would fear your connection would suffer.

Edited by hippychick3
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I love my husband & I think we have a strong marriage.

 

What you’re describing in this proposed change is a separate life, the opposite of a strong marriage.

 

What makes your relationship good now? I’ll bet it’s based on trust, consideration and the fact you can depend on each other. How do you do that actively involved in campus life and career 3+ hours away?

 

Unless there’s some way he can go with you, I wouldn’t do it. Sorry to rain on your homecoming parade...

 

Mr. Lucky

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If it were me, I would have to let that dream go for the sake of my marriage. The job is temporary, marriage is for life. That job wont be there for you when youre old and gray, but your husband will. Find a university close to home to experience the culture if thats what you really need. Think about why you want to go back to that school. You cant live your university life over again.

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D0nnivan, is this likely to be a permanent thing? Would you be happy doing this job for only a few years, or are you thinking 5 or more?

 

 

 

In my personal opinion, a "distance" where you can see each other every weekend is no big deal, if temporary. H and I did about 1.5 years of that at some point (before we were married, but we were already de facto/common law partners at that stage). It didn't hurt us at all in a relationship sense - we just focused on work on weekdays and ensured that we had the entire weekend free to spend with each other. The only main downside was the exhaustion of one of us (usually him) having to commute every weekend.

 

 

But if it was a permanent thing, I'd be much more wary. Living together is fantastic, and if it wasn't going to be a possibility for the next 5 years or more, it may certainly affect your marriage.

 

 

What does your H think?

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My husband was so enthusiastic when I mentioned it to him. He's an introvert so would probably relish a house to himself. lol He started looking at houses & talking about all the things he wants to do on campus. He can telecommute more then he does.

 

After talking to him, I'm sending in my resume. I probably won't even get the job. I'm barely qualified for it.

 

I would give up that dream in a heartbeat before I let him quit for the pension alone. Although he did say that if I was thrilled with it, he'd bail at minimum retirement age for him, which would be in about 10 years.

 

We shall see.

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My husband was so enthusiastic when I mentioned it to him. He's an introvert so would probably relish a house to himself. lol He started looking at houses & talking about all the things he wants to do on campus. He can telecommute more then he does.

 

After talking to him, I'm sending in my resume. I probably won't even get the job. I'm barely qualified for it.

 

I would give up that dream in a heartbeat before I let him quit for the pension alone. Although he did say that if I was thrilled with it, he'd bail at minimum retirement age for him, which would be in about 10 years.

 

We shall see.

 

 

I'm glad that your husband was encouraging. :) When H took the job that led to our 1.5-year "short distance", he asked for my opinion and I told him the same thing. I personally think that life is for living, and that having other dreams and goals beyond just your marriage is fantastic. I want to support my partner in achieving his dreams, not hold him back - and frankly, he would do the same for me.

 

 

 

IMHO, a good relationship/marriage will not crumble just because you have to see each other every weekend instead of every day for a couple of years. Yes, of course there has to be a balance. I wouldn't advocate taking a 4-year contract on the other side of the world or going to Mars, for instance. But 3 hours away? I say do it.

 

 

 

Good luck with the application!

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I'veseenbetterlol
If it were me, I would have to let that dream go for the sake of my marriage. The job is temporary, marriage is for life. That job wont be there for you when youre old and gray, but your husband will. Find a university close to home to experience the culture if thats what you really need. Think about why you want to go back to that school. You cant live your university life over again.

 

I agree, if you were just dating or single, you could do whatever you want. Since you are married, you now do what is beneficial for your relationship. I saw a wedding fall apart despite the distance being in the same state.

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So glad your hubby was enthusiastic for you D0nnivain. I'm far too needy to be able to cope with this kind of arrangement ....but your hubby is obviously made of stronger stuff.

 

Good luck

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Happy Lemming

After talking to him, I'm sending in my resume.

 

Fingers crossed you get the job!!

 

I was able to work at my "dream job" just prior to retirement. It was GREAT, I finally (really) enjoyed my work and enjoyed working with my boss.

 

I hope you get to realize your dream of working at that university.

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My mom's dream was to own a baby grand piano. Since childhood, but for one reason or another she never got one - at first, she could never have afforded it. Then , once my family had enough money, there was the space issue. We could never figure out which family member would have to live in the garage to make space for the thing... in the end, her dream went unfulfilled. There are things that never get done because of outside factors, but that is how life works. Your marriage may survive the physical distance, or other problems will surface. There are consequences to everything - but if those consequences destroy your relationship with hubs, you can always post to LS and there are many here that would do what they can to help you... good luck.:)

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From your posts it seems you and your husband both like a lot of space.

This could very well work for you.

It's such a personal thing.

It will take a lot of trust though.

 

You could try it, and if it doesn't work out then you could move back or he could move to you.

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I thought you were planning your retirement? :confused:

 

Good luck with the job, but as a victim of age discrimination myself, I'd have to say temper your excitement a bit.

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I thought you were planning your retirement? :confused:

 

I go back & forth. It really would help if I could make up my own mind.

 

Some of these Qs are me thinking out loud.

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I go back & forth. It really would help if I could make up my own mind.

 

Some of these Qs are me thinking out loud.

 

 

That's a good thing! That's why we're all here.

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dOnnivan,

 

I thought you were retiring as well? I can only share my experience. I work part-time and largely from home but I periodically have to travel overnight for work - at least once a month and sometimes more often than that. While we are not living separately at all, the nights apart are harder on me than my husband. I am envious that he’s at home while I am in a hotel room. I feel a little lost in big cities where I know no one and have no one to have a meal with. I’ve taken to bringing food from home and microwaving it in my room (pathetic, I know) because I just don’t enjoy eating dinner by myself. I also feel a little out of touch when I get home and need to catch up on what’s happened over the past few days. It doesn’t help that my family is nearby and I feel like I’ve missed out on things with them as well.

 

So, my advice would be to think about the simple pleasures in your life right now. Some of those will change. Are you okay with that? You are going to miss special days - birthdays, anniversaries, a friend’s party or another friend needing you just to chat - and you won’t be there.

 

In the end, because I get more physical time and quality time at home and work part-time, I am happy with my choice. But, I am also keeping an eye out and strategizing on how I can minimize my travel in the future. I just don’t really enjoy not being home - but I am a huge homebody.

 

You are a thoughtful, introspective person. I think you will carefully weigh all of your options and find the choice that works for you. And, if you find after all of that introspection that you choose wrong, the good news is that you are not an endentured servant and you can always quit and enjoy retirement.

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MisterLogical

Living long distance is hard. If its for a 6 months to a year i think it can work, but past that your marriage is going to take a hit.

 

You're just living different lives and you're not spending time together.

 

Are there examples where it works out fine? Yes. But there are more examples where it doesnt work out well.

 

If its a once in lifetime opportunity if you dont apply, you'll regret it.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Alright I did it! I sent in my resume. Fingers crossed that I get an interview.

 

DH is totally onboard.

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Good luck to you!!

 

I'm in the same boat right now, had my interview this past week and now waiting... First potential job switch in 20 years - scary!

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Good for you for submitting it. No decision needs to be made now. Even if you hear nothing back you will never regret not even applying.

 

Best of luck!

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