Husbands friend

[Lucybee31]

My husband and I moved to another state far away three years ago. His friend from childhood is having issues with his life and wants to move in. For a while I did not say anything but now the time is coming I said I’m not comfortable . He makes me out to be the bad guy and won’t talk to me. I don’t want his friend coming because I don’t want things to change. I want him to come because I know my husband is lonely, but His friend is extremely immature and also I wouldn’t mind him staying, I’m more annoyed that he is letting him stay as long as he want. I’m confused...I feel bad.... I don’t know what to do.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Lucy,

 

You are not confused; your husband has disrespected you by letting someone into your home without your consent. Be careful!!!

 

Best,

Dreamer

[somanymistakes]

It was kind of unfair to you to pretend you were okay with it and then only protest once the plans are made and people are counting on them. That said, it's not fun to have a house guest foisted on you, especially if there's no exit in sight.

 

What might help is if you sit down and write out a list of the reasons you're upset about this. Look at specifics. Then try to come up with possible solutions to those problems.

 

You said you're worried about the guy staying as long as he likes. Can you express to your husband that you are happy to help but you don't want him to live with you permanently, and you don't want to cause his friend pain in the future by making him THINK he's allowed to stay forever and then having it all go wrong? (Most likely, no matter how much your husband likes his friend, he doesn't really want the guy to stay forever either, he just wants to be supportive.) Depending on what the guy's problems are, can you work on a plan for how you'll try to find him somewhere else to go after X weeks or something?

[BaileyB]

Lucy,

 

I've gone back to look at your other posts. This is not the first time that your husband has dismissed your feelings and made you feel like "the bad guy."

 

If you don't want his friend staying with you, you have every right to tell your husband that. If he doesn't listen or respect your feelings, that means that you have a big problem in your relationship...

[Rockdad]

If you feel this way now just how are you going to feel with it in your face day after day? Stay as long as he wants? Having no ending time or date is not a good thing. It's like the visiting relative that stays on and just won't leave.

[BMI03]

For a while I did not say anything...

 

I said I’m not comfortable .

 

I don’t want his friend coming...

 

I want him to come because...

 

but His friend is extremely immature...

 

also I wouldn’t mind him staying,...

 

annoyed that he is letting him stay as long as he want...

 

I’m confused...

 

I can see that! So, if you are confused about how you feel, how is your husband supposed to navigate it correctly? If the above is a typical example of how problems between you are communicated and handled, then I believe your husband acts dismissive toward your opinions, because he has learned that he can't rely on them being stable as they may change in the coming days, minutes, hours. Or, he is just fed up with not getting straight answers and so discounts your opinion from his decision making as a means to not get tangled up in the back and forth drama.

 

So, I think you may make the situation worse than it needs to be, by being confused and unable to truly decide what you want, and then by shying away from the difficult conversation up front.

 

Get confident, own your feelings, and express them to your partner. If this si typical, then there may be some time to gain back the trust that you mean what you say, but it may get better over time.