Desperate & hopeless

[deanmoriarty]

Hi all,

 

Been wrestling with some thoughts and I can't find my way around. Maybe people with more experience will be able to help. I'm open to every suggestion.

 

Here's how it goes; I've been together with my wife for 3 years (2 years dating, 1 year married). We have moved to a different country in search of a better life. She was studying but our living conditions were terrible so we moved to Canada. I got a really nice paying a job at one of the top universities in Canada. Then, I had a nasty accident and suffered some injuries. We didn't have anyone in Canada so we started revisiting our options to be closer to family. With her suggestion, we chose to move to Germany (she is from Germany and her family is there).

 

We settled in, she got into a school and chose the major she wanted. I got a job at the Germany office of one of the biggest corporations in the world. I actually got a higher-paying offer from the largest entertainment company in the world but I declined it as it required frequent travel. I thought it would be bad for the family and I wanted to spend more time with her. Money isn't everything.

 

We got a really nice apartment. I mean really nice. Her school is just across the street from my office so when schedules fit (which is very often), we commute to and from work/school together. I even go to work earlier so that I could get off work earlier.

 

Our cohabitation situation is also good. I don't HELP with the housework; I do the housework. I love cooking and I cook. I clean. I take care of our cat. I go grocery shopping. I take her to work (she works part-time) and I pick her up from work even though it is only 10-minute bus ride. I go early to her place of work and spend time with her because she gets bored. I am really happy to. We spent six months apart in different during the moving process so I really want to make every moment count.

 

However, we are having problems. She is really anxious about her studies as she went back to school after 10 years. Her college mates are mostly 20-year-olds, fresh off high school. She's having difficulties with her exams and she worries a lot. She hasn't had a lot of time off in the last six months as she was working. We decided that she quit her job. I am able to support both of us financially with no difficulties.

 

Today she told me that I am not with her against difficulties. She's telling me she feels bad and wakes up every morning with a racing heart. I had the same problems in the past. Twice. I used sedatives because I was having problems with my family about moving to a different country/continent. Then, I had financial trouble and I still had that burden of being able to support myself and my wife financially. I used to wake up with a racing heart and go through the day with such agitation that every minute felt like a day. Still, I powered through.

 

Every single day, she is telling me about how her work was preventing her from sparing enough time for her studies. I asked her if she could quit her job so that she would solely focus on her studies. She did that after a few weeks. Now she is telling me about all the worst case scenarios if she fails. I told her that I am always there for her; even if she can't get her, it is still fine, and we can always find a different way to help her gain some qualifications (there are a lot of options in Germany).

 

To be perfectly honest, I am little sick of all the complaining. Every time we find a solution for troubles, I feel like there is another one coming. First, it was the living arrangement; we solved it. Then, it was her job; we solved it. Even if we solved this one, I feel we would have another one coming.

 

Now she's blaming me because everything is too much pressure for her; school, marriage, work, future. I don't how else I can support her. I feel like there is something else behind it and I even suggested we get professional help.

 

Any suggestions?

[MidwestUSA]

You made your own best suggestion - professional help. If she refuses, then the sad fact is that she LIKES to complain. I don't understand it at all, but know several people like her. It's all about the drama, and keeps the focus on her. It's selfish behavior.

 

I wouldn't recommend sedatives as a first line solution; they're meant for temporary issues that cause physical symptoms. She seems to have an underlying self esteem issue, which should be approached with counseling.

 

Good luck!

[Mrs._December]

Any suggestions?

You created a MONSTER.

 

You do everything but chew her food for her - or do you do that too? Won't be long before you're doing her schoolwork as well.

 

She's been reduced to child status and you're her daddy. Ugh.

 

Take it down about 8 notches and stop acting like some over-zealous helicopter parent, constantly hovering over her like a nervous Mother Hen, for starters. Too BAD if she was bored at work - some grownups just have to deal with facets of their jobs that they do not like. Welcome to adulthood! You should have let her deal with it like the supposed grownup she is rather than running down there every time she whined she was "bored" to entertain her like some court jester. Jeez.

 

My advice? Make her grow the hell up and start acting like an adult, instead of a child. Seriously. Stop the hovering and enabling and helicopter parenting and let her grow up. And she can START by taking over the chores at home like a big girl, since she's too fragile to work a part time job.

 

Nip this in the bud now. I'm not kidding you. Nip it in the bud NOW.

[d0nnivain]

Try to be patient & encouraging but every day both of you need to have a short discussion about the positives in your lives. Get a small notebook. One side is yours. The other's is hers. Every night before bed you each have to write 3 different things you are grateful for. They can be profound (that your accident wasn't worse; that you can support the family) or trivial (you enjoyed dinner; it was a nice sunset) You have to give her reasons to see the good in the world.

[Lotsgoingon]

With her suggestion, we chose to move to Germany (she is from Germany and her family is there) ...

...

I don't HELP with the housework; I do the housework. I love cooking and I cook. I clean. I take care of our cat. I go grocery shopping. I take her to work (she works part-time) and I pick her up from work even though it is only 10-minute bus ride. I go early to her place of work and spend time with her because she gets bored. I am really happy to. We spent six months apart in different during the moving process so I really want to make every moment count.

 

My quick take is that you are working too hard ... and doing too much of the caretaking and as a result of your excessive "niceness" (which is really a devaluing of your own needs) ... she has resorted to a kid position in your relationship.

 

It's not your job to take care of everything in the house--and not even good for the relationship. Probably she's out of balance because ... well because you're so NICE and do EVERYTHING ... and she doesn't get to cook and straighten and plan and do some sacrificing for the relationship. Doing more housework or relationship work would be good for her.

 

That you moved back to her country to be near her family--AND you do all the work--those two tell me you are caretaking and being way too heroic. The flip side of heroic is that you are devaluing yourself. Why isn't she jumping through hoops to take care of you as much as you take care of her? Has she insisted that since you returned to her hometown, that you get to go visit your family in your hometown? I bet not.

 

So counseling might work ... but I think you yourself could benefit from boundaries and from confronting the myth that the good position in a relationship is to be superhuman-do-everything-always-be-nice for my partner.

 

No, that kills off the relationship. We actually value relationships more when we have to put in work ... You're doing all the work, it seems to me ... so you're getting more invested, she's not.

 

Partners will go through rough periods ... Your job isn't to "solve" that ... but to be calm and present and attend to yourself ... and be warm to her ... a warm listener ... without taking in the problem as yours. Give her hugs. Listen. There's a fine line here--but you're on the far side of that line, taking on her stuff as yours to solve ... Instead, you want to offer warmth (limited words even) ... and have faith that your partner is resilient.

 

So sure, try professional help ... But here we go: again, you're being the adult here and she's the "baby." Is she mentioning professional help? Why not? Well because you're occupying this super-adult role ... instead of a peer-partner role.

 

Yes, you are probably going to get tired of her complaining because she's not facing her problems as an adult. Adults think and adjust ... and realize life requires experimenting ... adjusting and learning ... She's running into problems and then like a kid, she's just crying and complaining. And you're stepping up as a parent acting like it's your job to figure out what's going on with this helpless kid.

 

Ironically all that caretaking you're doing ... increases the pressure on her to do well in school. Since she isn't taking care of your or doing anything around the house or sacrificing for you to be near family--since she's in a passive kid-role ... her only duty is to succeed in school, right? Can we say hyper pressure!

 

Bottom line: you're working way too hard ... smothering the relationship ... but most likely this is your habit and tendency. She didn't force this. You volunteered this. Right now, you're stuck on her.

 

Question: what do YOU want?

 

And the answer can't be that you want her to be happy. No YOU?! What do you want more of in your life?

[anika99]

How old is your wife? Has she ever lived alone? It sounds like she moved straight from mommy and daddy onto you and this marriage is just a continuation of her childhood.

 

Not only have you done nothing to change this childish behaviour you have actually encouraged it and helped it to flourish. You go hang out with her at work so she doesn't get bored? Puhleeze!

 

Marriage is a partnership and both people have to contribute in order for it to be successful. Divvy up the domestic chores. Let your wife solve some of her minor problems herself. Her being bored at work is not your problem. I don't get why she is bored at work, I mean doesn't she have work to do at work? In any case she can at least take care of her own needs during working hours. If she has free time she can read a book, talk to a coworker or whatever.

 

Your wife is a child. If you don't want to be married to a child then stop treating her like a child.

[quoththeraven]

I guess either she is suffering mental illness or she is immature. She should go get a thorough examination for mental illness and seek treatment if that's what's the problem is. If she just doesn't want to work or to school, then she's immature. Either way, you have to decide if this is what you want in a life partner. You should also consider what you would do if she had your child.

 

Since you don't have kids yet, make sure you don't end up with a pregnancy on your hands until your wife gets her problems straightened out.

 

This problem honestly is not your problem. It's not a marriage counseling problem. This is your wife's problem and one she must address herself.

[Mr. Lucky]

You should also consider what you would do if she had your child.

 

My first thought also. OP, don’t get her pregnant, she can barely take care of herself. She needs some years of problem-solving and life experience under her belt.

 

We’re i you, I’d focus on establishing your own career. Whatever happens, I’d guess you’re going to need it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jamess1]

Why doesn't your wife feel secure in your masculinity, having a good job, or money, or solving problems doesn't compensate for that deep masculine presence that makes a woman feel secure and safe....I could be broke as hell, things could be really bad, but my masculinity can hold her tight,kiss her on the forehead and tell her everything is gonna be fine.

 

Women married to millionaires have felt safer, secure and happier in my presence, that's why you hear stories of here of rich husbands complaining about their wives cheating on them with a loser...or haven't you heard stories of millionaires committing suicide after losing a fraction of their wealth, they tried compensating internal insecurity with external security(money).

 

There is nothing wrong with your wife, it's not even external; about school, her job, etc your wife is seeking out for your masculinity but it's not there. All you have to do is to ground the good and the dark sides of her feminine expressions..Women in war zones can feel safe in the presence of a man-a man grounded and confident in the essence of his masculinity, a man who remains unshaken and unmoved in the midst of his woman's fears, doubts and insecurities...if she finds that man who can ground her emotions, who can calm the storm she doth bring - she won't let him go, it can become an emotional affair or even physical affair-she will feel calm and safe in his presence..

 

It's easy to see what women are lacking in their marriages by merely talking to them-I know married women who rather call me first when they go through something terrible, instead of their feminine husbands...they always feel better after talking to me, a man who understands that her shouting,blaming,panicking is therapeutic and merely heals her emotions-(un)fortunately this usually leads to an affair.

 

Your father was obviously not a strong masculine figure...

 

Start by reading this book...