what's the best way to handle this?

[pepperbird]

I’ve been having an issue with my spouse, and I really hate to admit it.

 

We’ve been married for more than two decades, and really do love each other a lot. Much of the time, I am very happy...except when I’m not, and those times are getting to be more frequent.

 

 

We have several kids,and the majority of them are in university. We also have a son with special needs. I’m lucky in that I can work from home, and my husband is retired from his first career and is now working for the government.

 

My problem is this. We both have chronic health issues, and I’m starting to feel very much alone. I work and also do 90 percent of the housework with our kids helping out as much as they can. My husband? I can count on one hand the number of times he has helped out around the house in the past month...really. He spends most of his time lying in bed using his laptop because he says his back is bad and it’s too painful to be up and moving around.

 

When he isn’t in bed, he’s in a chronic bad mood. He constantly complains about his co-workers, other drivers, traffic and anything and everything else. The constant negativity is very wearing. Most of our conversations centre around his health problems or complaints about whatever is bothering him in that second, and I’ve found myself tuning out more and more often, even though I don’t want to. The negativity wears me down.

 

 

If I’m tired, sick or sore , which is most of the time these days, I still have to do all of the cooking, most of the cleaning and laundry, manage our finances, take care of all the appointments for our son, look after the yard etc. I used to ask my husband to help, and he would say he will. He did maybe once or twice, and then that's the end of it.

 

I’m not sure what to do. It’s easy to say “ let the housework slide”, but if I do, who will cook or clean? My older kids do try to help, but they are out the door at 6;00 am and don’t get home until about 7:00 pm, and they have coursework etc. to do after that. I’ve tried to talk to my husband, but the conversation inevitably goes back to him and how sore he feels and how bad he feels. In short, I gave up on that.

 

 

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind looking after myself and our family under normal circumstances, but right now, I am just plain tired. I am getting to a place where I can't carry him too. Add to this that I’ve also come to the realization that I may not be able to depend on him for support, and that is a very lonely place to be.

 

I’m not sure if I need advice or just needed to get all of this out. I know I have painted him in a very negative light here, but there is a so much about him that's really great. I don't want to end up resenting him.

[carhill]

Hire a housekeeper.

 

Back when I was making good money and married I'd often do the maid cleaning service as a gift to friends or family members, of course with their permission, when they were out of sorts from health challenges or life changes. Nothing like a couple months of spiff to cheer them up a bit and feel better about their surroundings.

 

H can share the cost of the housekeeper. When I was married, I worked at home, but not in the home, rather out in the ag shop but still shared the duties with my wife. As she put it, I did the surface stuff and she got the corners. She was particular about laundry so did it her way but I've been doing it myself for over half my adult life so cool babe, have at it.

 

IME, it's usually men who are coddled by their mothers and/or married young who never get into the house-cleaning thing. That's especially the case with my generation. Many of my friends comment on me making someone a good wife when they catch me helping their wives after parties. For them, that work is woman's work. Men don't touch it. I disagree. Housework is everyone's work, even a long-time friend who's a guest. It's the hostess' place to say no thanks. Most love the help.

 

Your H isn't going to change. Sorry. Wish I had better news. IDK how old he is but I'm pushing 60 and I do what I do at this point and other humans aren't going to change me. Pretty normal.

 

Hope yours and his health gets better. Health is such a gift, especially as we age.

 

Interview a few housekeepers tomorrow

[d0nnivain]

Another vote for a housekeeper. It doesn't have to be daily but every other week to do the really heavy stuff.

 

As for your kids they would have their own housework to do if they lived on their own so making them in charge of one household thing isn't asking too much. One can do laundry & study between loads type of thing. maybe look into a fluff & fold service.

 

 

Also look into respite care for your special needs child. Everybody needs a break.

[carhill]

When I was caregiving, I had a regular lady who came in and did both respite care and light housekeeping since the respite was pretty simple, ADL stuff and med monitoring. Worked out great. Had her for a couple years.

 

OP, how are you sleeping? OK?

[preraph]

You need some help. Look, I've been there. I have a torn meniscus and at its worst, I could just hop on one leg and was working two jobs and I'm the only one taking care of me.

 

First, you have to both not MESS UP the house. This is a talk you must have with him. I don't ever leave anything laying around. I also often use paper plates and plasticware so there's less dishes to keep up with. My house will eventually get dusty, and hairy because of the dogs, and bathrooms must be cleaned, but if you dedicate yourself, both of you, to not ever leaving any clutter and keeping the laundry up in small batches every day so it doesn't pile up, it will save you some steps and effort.

 

The other thing I've had to do is be economical with my steps. I can't putter around the house looking for a pair of scissors and then leave them out and have to go look for them.

 

I have three holding stations where I can set stuff that goes from room to room or in and out of the house to the car or garage. So let's use the mail for example. When I come into the house, I check the mail on my porch. I bring the mail into the kitchen instead of straight to my office. I put it on the holding station there to wait until the next time I have to go to my office anyway. Saving steps will make you less tired, I promise.

 

I try not to run back and forth between rooms any more than necessary. I had to really put some thought into it because I am a meanderer and putterer by nature.

 

If you don't mess the house and dishes up and you don't have shedding pets, you will only need someone to come thoroughly clean every couple of months or even more.

 

It's inexpensive to hire someone to mow the lawn, so you definitely need to do that. Time is money too, you know.

 

And you need to be sure your husband realizes you are also somewhat disabled. Maybe make a list of chores and sit down with him and have him check the ones he's most able to do physically. Then you check yours and then tell him you need a housekeeper.

 

If you're in the U.S., get Meals on Wheels. And then just cook easy stuff like breakfast and always have sandwiches on hand and canned soup and that sort of easy stuff. Boxed macaroni. Things he can also make.

 

I have my groceries delivered part of the time too because I have trouble getting up the steps with them sometimes.

[Mr. Lucky]

If I’m tired, sick or sore , which is most of the time these days, I still have to do all of the cooking, most of the cleaning and laundry, manage our finances, take care of all the appointments for our son, look after the yard etc.

 

Since your older kids will soon be out into the world, might be time to look for a smaller place, perhaps in a condo or apartment complex where outside maintenance is taken care of and inside cleaning is smaller in scope.

 

Think about reducing the number of items on your plate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

Thanks for all the responses. Sometime,s it can fele really good just to know you're been heard.

 

 

As my husband's injury was work related, he qualifies for a weekly housekeeping service through veteran;s affairs. He's put his name on the list, so right now, we just have to wait for approval.

 

 

 

 

Our older kids have a least four more years in uni, and our younger daughter is planning to study abroad after that. Our oldest is in line for law school, and we've told her she's welcome to live at home for as long as she needs. She's special needs as well, and living on her own might take a bit longer. Our youngest will always live at home, as far as I can see.

 

To answer a question above, I don;t sleep well at all. I have scleroderma, Sjorens syndrome and Raynauld's and some other autoimmune issues, and am waiting for another lymphoma biopsy. It makes it hard to sleep.

[BaileyB]

Thanks for all the responses. Sometime,s it can fele really good just to know you're been heard.

 

To answer a question above, I don;t sleep well at all. I have scleroderma, Sjorens syndrome and Raynauld's and some other autoimmune issues, and am waiting for another lymphoma biopsy. It makes it hard to sleep.

 

Just wanted to wish you well pepperbird. You certainly have your own challenges, and your wellbeing with these conditions is definitely impacted by your ability to rest. I hope you are able to get some help soon.

[carhill]

Lack of sleep, especially when persistent, is a killer. Along with a housekeeper, IMO get a sleep study and some targeted medical input. Neurologists can help with the organic pain-related stuff. Technology is always evolving. Sucks when our bodies go sideways. Do what you can. Let the rest go. We're here to help to the extent we can, even if just to listen. Best wishes!

[pepperbird]

After allowing more time to pass, I have come to a place where I know I'll have to let go of being able to depend on him. I just can't. All that happens is I get my hopes up and then get cross and disappointed when he keeps the status quo. I don't have the energy to fight it right now, so I'll accept that this is life. The ups and downs of being married I guess:laugh:

 

Again, I don't want to paint him as this horrible ogre. He is in pain, and very frustrated about it. I don't think any of this is purposeful. It's just that it really does break my heart to say this, as I didn't think I'd ever have to.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is in pain, and very frustrated about it. I don't think any of this is purposeful.

 

pepperbird, how realistic is it to expect someone in pain from a bad back to do house and yard work? I've never had a back injury but my Mom did, and there were many days she didn't get out of bed.

 

Sometimes life just throws you a curve. My wife is currently immobilized waiting for a knee replacement, and even though she's a SAHM we have a housekeeper, yard guy and pool cleaner - all things she used to see to.

 

You may simply have to adjust your expectations. Life happens...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loversquarrel]

It must be one hell of a back injury. I suffer chronic back spasms which totally suck, chronic back pain, torn bicep, partially torn pectoral, and I still work out just about every day. I help out with house chores, cleaning and do all of the general maintenance and repairs around the house. With all of your ailments I would hope your husband could find the strength within himself to help out with what I would deem as extremely light activity work.

[pepperbird]

I see him going further and further into not wanting to get out of bed, and add to that, he eats when he's upset. He's put on some weight, which makes his back worse.

[loversquarrel]

I see him going further and further into not wanting to get out of bed, and add to that, he eats when he's upset. He's put on some weight, which makes his back worse.

 

How can he maintain a job if he can't get out of bed?? Maybe he needs to get his lazy ass out of bed and get himself to a doctor.

[preraph]

If the kids are still in the house making messes, put a stop to that, as well, even if they help clean up.

[Els]

After allowing more time to pass, I have come to a place where I know I'll have to let go of being able to depend on him. I just can't. All that happens is I get my hopes up and then get cross and disappointed when he keeps the status quo. I don't have the energy to fight it right now, so I'll accept that this is life. The ups and downs of being married I guess:laugh:

 

Again, I don't want to paint him as this horrible ogre. He is in pain, and very frustrated about it. I don't think any of this is purposeful. It's just that it really does break my heart to say this, as I didn't think I'd ever have to.

 

 

What happened to the free weekly housekeeping service that he was applying for? Is there no word on that? If it's something that he's entitled to as a legal right, it might be worth chasing up on it. Of course, HE has to want to do that.

 

 

Is his pain managed well? What is the official diagnosis?

[pepperbird]

What happened to the free weekly housekeeping service that he was applying for? Is there no word on that? If it's something that he's entitled to as a legal right, it might be worth chasing up on it. Of course, HE has to want to do that.

 

 

Is his pain managed well? What is the official diagnosis?

 

 

He's put in for it through veteran;s affairs, but the backlog ( thanks phoenix!) is ridiculous.

 

He has psoriatic arthritis as well as herniated discs in his back.

[Els]

He's put in for it through veteran;s affairs, but the backlog ( thanks phoenix!) is ridiculous.

 

He has psoriatic arthritis as well as herniated discs in his back.

 

 

Herniated discs typically resolve in a couple of months with conservative treatment in most people, and in the rare cases that don't, surgery can fix it. Psoriatic arthritis is more long-term, but that usually affects the digits and not the back. Is he actively seeking treatment?

 

 

I guess I'm getting the impression that you're upset he's not doing what he CAN to be an equal partner, rather than about what he can't do. And I'm with you on that. His illness may disqualify him from heavy housework, but there's no reason he can't manage finances or make appointments.

 

 

 

Have you tried gently talking to him about that? What does he say?

[L0nely]

I’ve been having an issue with my spouse, and I really hate to admit it.

 

We’ve been married for more than two decades, and really do love each other a lot. Much of the time, I am very happy...except when I’m not, and those times are getting to be more frequent.

 

 

We have several kids,and the majority of them are in university. We also have a son with special needs. I’m lucky in that I can work from home, and my husband is retired from his first career and is now working for the government.

 

My problem is this. We both have chronic health issues, and I’m starting to feel very much alone. I work and also do 90 percent of the housework with our kids helping out as much as they can. My husband? I can count on one hand the number of times he has helped out around the house in the past month...really. He spends most of his time lying in bed using his laptop because he says his back is bad and it’s too painful to be up and moving around.

 

When he isn’t in bed, he’s in a chronic bad mood. He constantly complains about his co-workers, other drivers, traffic and anything and everything else. The constant negativity is very wearing. Most of our conversations centre around his health problems or complaints about whatever is bothering him in that second, and I’ve found myself tuning out more and more often, even though I don’t want to. The negativity wears me down.

 

 

If I’m tired, sick or sore , which is most of the time these days, I still have to do all of the cooking, most of the cleaning and laundry, manage our finances, take care of all the appointments for our son, look after the yard etc. I used to ask my husband to help, and he would say he will. He did maybe once or twice, and then that's the end of it.

 

I’m not sure what to do. It’s easy to say “ let the housework slide”, but if I do, who will cook or clean? My older kids do try to help, but they are out the door at 6;00 am and don’t get home until about 7:00 pm, and they have coursework etc. to do after that. I’ve tried to talk to my husband, but the conversation inevitably goes back to him and how sore he feels and how bad he feels. In short, I gave up on that.

 

 

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind looking after myself and our family under normal circumstances, but right now, I am just plain tired. I am getting to a place where I can't carry him too. Add to this that I’ve also come to the realization that I may not be able to depend on him for support, and that is a very lonely place to be.

 

I’m not sure if I need advice or just needed to get all of this out. I know I have painted him in a very negative light here, but there is a so much about him that's really great. I don't want to end up resenting him.

 

 

If it makes you feel any better, I have a husband that does 0% housework. At least you can count on one hand how many times he's helped around the house. As for me, I don't need to count because it's an absolute 0. If you can afford it, get a maid. If you can't afford it, well, just remember there's worst husbands out there. Best wishes to you.