I drunk texted a single man twice

[purplesoul]

Hi,

 

I met a man many years ago while engaged to my ex. Nothing came out of it as mid conversation he ended the conversation as said he was attracted to me and I was engaged and he had a girlfriend hence he did not think he could talk to me. He left immediately and I was a bit befuddled.

 

From there onwards, I saw him twice or so at events and while I thought he was attractive & frankly respected him for his honesty, that was that.

 

Fast forward several years later, I am remarried (and very much was in love with husband) but we have been having issues related to his drinking. Anyways for whatever reason, my friend arranged a meet up (not me). I arrived at the restaurant & found myself immensely jealous re her talking to him. I got more and more desperate for his attention & while I can in full honesty say I know there is chemistry between us, what is the point ? Later that evening i sent a stupid message saying I wished in a another world, we would have gotten together(!!!) He responded that he had many thoughts but was best to say nothing. Next morning, horrified I sent a message of apology and he said not a big deal and we chatted normally.

 

Fast forward 1 month later, I sent YET another message (for whatever reason I have idealized this man & have a crush I guess). This time the flirting went on and acknowledged there has been something here and there for years (again not acted on) but I kept pushing the conversation (in fairness he was being flirty and asked me about my marriage and I said, it was not good for x and y reasons) He said he was sorry to hear that but we should not continue the conversation & I was married and that was that.

 

Reason came to mind. I stopped. Now I feel like an idiot. I cannot possibly apologise for a second time as we hardly know each other and what the hell am I thinking? I just feel this thing and Maybe I a transferring as I know clearly there is something there but he is right. Question Is, I am horrified by my behaviour and harmless flirting or not, I took it one step further. I cannot even look at the conversation we had as feel ridiculous & filled with regret at how I conducted myself. Should I apologize again & never broach topic again ( I mean this) or should I let it go?

 

Sorry for typos as writing on go.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would let it go now. Your apology is going to seem very insincere as this is the second time this has happened recently. And he has told you three times in the years that you have known him that he can't talk to you. Heed that.

 

But you should also make it a point to not see or contact him at all anymore. How did it come to happen that your friend arranged a meetup with this man?

 

The most important takeaway here is that you need to be taking a more honest look at your marriage. You obviously are not very happy at the moment so it would be the ideal time to dig in deep and see what can be done to repair the broken connection to your husband, and the issues surrounding his drinking. You are turning outside the marriage for attention and affection which is a slippery slope, as you know, and will land you in hot water should another attractive man enter the picture who is more willing to entertain your attempts to flirt.

 

Your efforts to engage with this man are the symptom of a bigger problem.

[purplesoul]

I would let it go now. Your apology is going to seem very insincere as this is the second time this has happened recently. And he has told you three times in the years that you have known him that he can't talk to you. Heed that.

 

But you should also make it a point to not see or contact him at all anymore. How did it come to happen that your friend arranged a meetup with this man?

 

The most important takeaway here is that you need to be taking a more honest look at your marriage. You obviously are not very happy at the moment so it would be the ideal time to dig in deep and see what can be done to repair the broken connection to your husband, and the issues surrounding his drinking. You are turning outside the marriage for attention and affection which is a slippery slope, as you know, and will land you in hot water should another attractive man enter the picture who is more willing to entertain your attempts to flirt.

 

Your efforts to engage with this man are the symptom of a bigger problem.

 

She is single and didn't want to meet him alone (was a friends meet up style thing even though none of us know each other well). If anything it became awkward when people asked how we knew each other as there isn't much to say. However clear he is a bigger person that I am and possibly given half the chance I may have pursed it.

 

I am not proud of the above paragraph but I feel alone & have started to question my marriage. I guess the qualities of this said man (at least from what I can see) attract me & the chemistry that has always existed (however never acted on). It was never anything I thought actively about but the minute I saw him, it reappeared & unless I am mad, he feels the same but unlike me,he puts a stop on it.

 

I just feel really awkward and can hardly bring myself to even look at the messages. You are right, an apology at this point just would be insincere sounding & quite pointless. In full transparency, part of me regrets my behaviour as I fear it closed a door potentially in future (should things not work out) but I guess this might just be fantasy talk. He did ask me re my marriage & while I said nothing at first, he asked again and then it was like "all systems go". However responsibility lies with me & I feel regretful and ashamed + guilty. The drinking problem with my husband has stolen a lot of intimacy but I can't do crap like this either. Thank you again.

[introverted1]

<snip>

 

Fast forward 1 month later, I sent YET another message (for whatever reason I have idealized this man & have a crush I guess). This time the flirting went on and acknowledged there has been something here and there for years (again not acted on) but I kept pushing the conversation (in fairness he was being flirty and asked me about my marriage and I said, it was not good for x and y reasons) He said he was sorry to hear that but we should not continue the conversation & I was married and that was that.

 

<snip>.

 

In the OW/OM forums, I believe they refer to this as "grooming."

Edited November 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[carhill]

IMO, separate the issues...

 

Seek out why you'd text someone when drinking you'd never text when sober, presuming that's the case.

 

Examine why your feelings about your marriage impel such actions when inhibitions are released by booze.

 

Work the M.

 

IMO, if you focus on self and personal responsibility, the rest of the stuff will work itself out.

 

I kind of admire people who beat themselves up about this stuff. Used to be like that. Analyzing the smallest detail to stay on the perfect path. Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

 

I see the drinking problem up close and personal with one MW right now. Another died of the disease of alcoholism but cooked up her 20 year marriage before dying with both the booze and some infidelity IMO due to it.

 

Work the booze thing first, IMO. I think that'll help.

[purplesoul]

In the OW/OM forums, I believe they refer to this as "grooming."

 

You are right. That is exactly what I was doing & it was easier when drinking to say these things.

[purplesoul]

IMO, separate the issues...

 

Seek out why you'd text someone when drinking you'd never text when sober, presuming that's the case.

 

Examine why your feelings about your marriage impel such actions when inhibitions are released by booze.

 

Work the M.

 

IMO, if you focus on self and personal responsibility, the rest of the stuff will work itself out.

 

I kind of admire people who beat themselves up about this stuff. Used to be like that. Analyzing the smallest detail to stay on the perfect path. Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

 

I see the drinking problem up close and personal with one MW right now. Another died of the disease of alcoholism but cooked up her 20 year marriage before dying with both the booze and some infidelity IMO due to it.

 

Work the booze thing first, IMO. I think that'll help.

 

Thank you so much for your response. This has only happened when I was drinking. I think it made it easier to say the things I did. The last time I did see him, it didn't start out seedy but more so old or fantasy feeling or whatever they are re-emerged. Thoughts of what could have been or what not. Our conversation got deep but not in a flirty or 'let's take this elsewhere' sort of way (well, in full honesty he takes credit for that)

 

I sent the first message because I was in a frame of mind that had me romanticizing the whole thing or maybe I just wanted the validation. The second message came from nowhere. I was out, feeling distant from my husband & the man in question and I got into a conversation online. He was def far FAR more flirty this time but I think when things got way too heated (I am so ashamed to say this but I actively told him I would have liked to sleep with him) he shut it down as previously said. I have no excuses & I really would never in a thousand years say something that seedy so openly. I have already apologised for the last incident but he took that in good humour, this one crossed the line & I guess he had the good conscious to shut it down.

 

I know my marriage is rocky mainly due to my husband's drinking and the loneliness & frustration therein. He works hard for us though and is a great person in many ways but I am getting increasing "broken" 're our relationship. However on same note, this is no way to act.

 

Everything aside, physical attraction or otherwise, I really doubt I would have acted on this in "real life" but the thing Is, I took that step and in that moment, had he been privy or a more willing participant who clearly have more control than I do, I would have have gone with it.

 

I am so ashamed of myself but more so so sad in the knowledge regarding what this says about our marriage and what is says about me. I have been on receiving end of being cheated on and vice versa. I swore I would never go down this path again & I meant it but as soon as things got hard, that's where I went. I would also be lying if I would not respond if the man in question wrote me back. It is pathetic I know.

 

Thank you again for your response.

[carhill]

Accept your responsibility in the matter and move forward. Decide what responsibility means to you. If your M turns on a couple drunk texts to a past love interest, apparently not consummated, OK, that's how it is.

 

I'm currently watching how the down-low works because I was always an open guy when married, told wife I felt abandoned and was going to do something about it and did.

 

However, I've noted most MW's like the down-low. However, that's tricky, and IMO best left for exit strategies. If wishing to preserve the M, disclose and deal with the consequences. Again, separate the issues. One is the flirting with a past love interest. The other is the 'rocky' marriage. Our MC was great at that stuff. The affair (in my case) was my responsibility and the condition of the M was both our responsibilities.

 

Since you nipped this early, I'd focus on the marriage and resolving those issues.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess the qualities of this said man (at least from what I can see) attract me & the chemistry that has always existed (however never acted on).

 

Except purplesoul, you don't know him at all. You don't know if he abuses his wife, cheats on his taxes or kicks his dog.

 

Doesn't seem to me you're attracted to something, more like you're running from something. It would be helpful to talk to a therapist about your feelings and why you've chosen to express them this way. You may also find some clarity on your marriage situation through the same process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

If your husband is an alcoholic you may want to consider attending AlAnon meetings. It will help you find the right path for you without compromising your morals or self respect. I spent years with an alcoholic and AlAnon was lifesaver for me.

[S2B]

If you do things you're not proud of when you drink - are you able to stop drinking all together?

 

Do not contact him again - at least not while you're married.

 

 

Have you asked your husband to quit drinking?

[purplesoul]

If you do things you're not proud of when you drink - are you able to stop drinking all together?

 

Do not contact him again - at least not while you're married.

 

 

Have you asked your husband to quit drinking?

 

Fair question. I don't do things like this on the regular, in fact I have never done this throughout our relationship + marriage as truly love my husband. However as of late, I have been acting out occasionally when I drink. Again, not an excuse but I feel increasing distant from my husband. I would classify my husband as a high functioning alcoholic. Also he has gone weeks without drinking + many occasions where he has drank responsibility but ever so often, It all comes crashing down in a dramatic way. Following this, he apologises. He has been attending therapy + has attended AA in past but I think it is hard for him & even me why he is okay sometimes but not okay others.

 

I guess I have increasingly lost faith in him but this is also juxtaposed by how wonderful & supportive he has been during my own hard times. I don't know. Just confused. I used to monitor his drinking like a mad person but I am EXHAUSTED. I want him to quit for his own reasons and not mine.

 

I guess I saw this man and maybe just projected. All the "feelings" I got where feelings I had about my husband initially. I am just really saddened by the reality that I know - what myself and husband have could be so good but I see it disintegrating & I don't know what to do about it. I doubt he sees reality as I do. I don't want to leave him but by acting out like this, I feel I too am adding to the chasm between us. I will not repeat these actions again but that does not mean I am not disturbed by what they represent. Further, my husband is not the kind of man who will understand the "deeper" element as to why I did this but will rather lord it over my head and assume it is just about attraction to said man as opposed to a misplaced and poorly-managed attempt to escape the sadness.

Edited November 5, 2018 by purplesoul
Crazy typos

[purplesoul]

If your husband is an alcoholic you may want to consider attending AlAnon meetings. It will help you find the right path for you without compromising your morals or self respect. I spent years with an alcoholic and AlAnon was lifesaver for me.

 

Thanks for this. We have a few of these meetings where I live so will try to attend. I just feel somewhat hopeless as I feel this issue regarding him losing control when he drinks at times will never go away. Furthermore, he is aware of this problem but seems stuck on " why am I okay sometimes and not others?". Added to that pressure is work. A lot of his work involves going for drinks with clients and often against all better judgement, he loses resolve. Not to mention, most of the social gatherings involve alcohol.

 

But it isn't just alcohol. It is the distance the lies have created. I don't trust him but I trust him at the same time. I dont want to leave him (also I do not know where I would go). That and I cannot imagine life without him. We have a very good relationship in some ways but there have been so many incidents in the past & I don't think he realizes the gravity of it & how it has affected me. He is afraid of his emotions. Sorry. I don't mean to drone on and on. I am just sad. I will attend Alanon but I can see myself justifying his behaviour as he too has dealt & continues to deal with the problems I have with severe depression and supports me without expectation.

 

What frightens me the most about leaving him is I believe he would eventually lose everything.

[purplesoul]

Except purplesoul, you don't know him at all. You don't know if he abuses his wife, cheats on his taxes or kicks his dog.

 

Doesn't seem to me you're attracted to something, more like you're running from something. It would be helpful to talk to a therapist about your feelings and why you've chosen to express them this way. You may also find some clarity on your marriage situation through the same process...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

You are right. I am trying to escape but escaping towards "safer pastures" that I know nothing about. I am seeing a therapist about this.

 

I cheated on my ex in the past but our situation was different. Nothing I can do will change the fact that what did was wrong. I took the coward's exit with an exit affair which pretty much confirmed I had to leave the marriage. I left my ex with everything and took nothing from him in a poor attempt to say I am sorry. I told my new husband all from this from the very start as I did not want to lie about my past. I meant it when I said I would never repeat my past mistakes or hurt anyone as I hurt my ex. I was honest with my now husband from the very start and never hid anything from him.

 

Over time it became quite obvious that he was not honest himself and infact had ommited his own sins. Now this would not have been a problem had he not used my own confessions against me when he drank. He would accuse me of wanting to cheat on him or continuously relay fears I would eventually leave him, all the while commending me on "at least you took nothing."

 

I don't know. My therapist too seems to think that the balance of things can change if I start carrying my own weight within the relationship. She obviously does not agree with his unwarranted behaviour at times when he drinks but she has asked me to look at the bigger picture. I guess we are just messed up haha. I have been actively working on myself which is hard and I know he is too. The incidences regarding alcohol are FAR less but now I just feel bitterness and a loss . Even if he is changing, how does he not acknowledge the level of suffering those incidences have had on me? To a level he does but it is not enough. I dont know what I want. He goes to therapy, he actively tries not to drink and he is not one for partying but rather wants to spend his free time with me. I do not doubt his love but his actions and what they represent. It seems suddenly all this anger is coming out.

 

I am not on any level justifying my behaviour. I realize I am not making any sense but I miss what I thought my husband and I had or maybe it never existed to begin with. I say this because for all the good, these dark moments mar. That and he for all his intelligence is unable to discuss this without feeling attacked. Furthermore if I brought up my attraction to this other man, he would see it as evidence of my uncontrollable need for elicit behaviour (!!) My honesty at the beginning of our relationship has bit me in the a**

Edited November 5, 2018 by purplesoul
Typos

[purplesoul]

Accept your responsibility in the matter and move forward. Decide what responsibility means to you. If your M turns on a couple drunk texts to a past love interest, apparently not consummated, OK, that's how it is.

 

I'm currently watching how the down-low works because I was always an open guy when married, told wife I felt abandoned and was going to do something about it and did.

 

However, I've noted most MW's like the down-low. However, that's tricky, and IMO best left for exit strategies. If wishing to preserve the M, disclose and deal with the consequences. Again, separate the issues. One is the flirting with a past love interest. The other is the 'rocky' marriage. Our MC was great at that stuff. The affair (in my case) was my responsibility and the condition of the M was both our responsibilities.

 

Since you nipped this early, I'd focus on the marriage and resolving those issues.

 

Interesting that you mention the down-low. That is exactly what I did in a previous relationship I wanted to leave but lacked the guts to do it honestly. I cheated and I cheated again and once I did that, I knew I could not stay and so I left him. With or without his faults, no one deserves that and I take full responsibility. I told my now husband about my past and what I did earlier on. I meant it when I said I would never repeat my past behaviour and till date, I have never been anything less than loyal when it comes to opposite sex.

 

You are right in that I nipped it in the bud but the knowledge I did what I did and would have done more if given have the chance, it disturbs me. I mentioned this to my therapist & she believes my lack of accountability & concrete sense of self worth make me seek out men as to "save" me. However this time around, I am burning with guilt and I feel so sorry for my husband as our relationship feels tainted. But as you said, I have to move on. What is done is done & I cannot change it. I guess the honesty I have portrayed to himself from the start, well it meant a lot to me and now the "secrets" have started. I cannot even post a photo of us without feeling hypocritical - not that this is imperative but it is a signifier.

 

I want to disclose this but my husband is not open to full-on honest discussions without assuming the worst. This will only confirm his suspicions that I want to cheat to for thrills or it will restart his insecurities which already exist. Funny because when he has displayed certain undesirable behaviour, I don't hold it against him. He holds mine against me.

 

How do you make someone talk about something without that person feeling you are "masking" true desires? He does not take my words at face value but I have always been transparent with him - until recently. I used to see him as an honest man with high integrity until his own mistakes started being revealed one by one!

[DKT3]

I think you should be looking for reasons other then your marriage as to why you are actively seeking a relationship with this other guy. I really dont think it has anything to do with the state of your marriage. Maybe if you hadn't been carrying a torch for this guy the whole time it maybe a part of the reason.

[Amethyst68]

You talk in terms of your husband thinking of you looking for an affair if you tell him, when in fact a number of spouses would count what you've done as an EA.

 

What do you think your husband would think if he read the texts if he found them today? Do you think he would come to the conclusion you have gone outside the bounds of your marriage?

 

 

I agree looking into alanon for support or even AA if you feel your own drinking is getting out of hand.

[carhill]

I think you should be looking for reasons other then your marriage as to why you are actively seeking a relationship with this other guy. I really dont think it has anything to do with the state of your marriage. Maybe if you hadn't been carrying a torch for this guy the whole time it maybe a part of the reason.

Good point.

 

I'm a bit cynical in my old age but am examining that right now with a particular MW. I tend to think women are conniving, calculating schemers but recent actions have me reconsidering that. Reading posts like those from the OP augments that work.

---------------------------

 

How do you make someone talk about something without that person feeling you are "masking" true desires? He does not take my words at face value but I have always been transparent with him - until recently. I used to see him as an honest man with high integrity until his own mistakes started being revealed one by one!

That's part of separating the issues. One is what DKT3 is unpacking, the emotions impelling those drunk texts. The other is the state of, and interactions in, your marriage.

 

My usual advice to MW's is to black hole the real or potential AP and work the M to its ultimate conclusion, whether that is remaining married or divorcing. I saw the difficulties of dealing with both simultaneously in our MC process where I refused to give the A up for quite some time. It really stalled the marital work and did nothing for the A. It wasted time and money and energy.

 

I understand that women typically wish to talk things through and have spent many a wee morning hour listening to them but at some point positive action must occur to move forward.

 

If you do have any attraction to and emotional bond with this single man you texted, it'll do you zero good while you're married to someone else. It'll just cause grief and disruption.

[S2B]

Look at your own behavior/the way you are participating...and get honest with your husband.

 

Your lies are also creating that distance between you two.

 

Have YOU considered going to AA yourself? Maybe you should both go?

[overtherainbow1]

Hi,

 

you never mentioned how this mysterious and sexy man's phone number ended up in your phone. Or how it stayed there for that matter. I find that interesting. Absence of information is as important as the information willingly given.

 

I think you know why you did this. I think you're more struggling with the fact that "it happened" AKA the fact that you did it.

 

If this doesn't align with your morals, commit to positive change. You can do anything you want!

[purplesoul]

Hi,

 

you never mentioned how this mysterious and sexy man's phone number ended up in your phone. Or how it stayed there for that matter. I find that interesting. Absence of information is as important as the information willingly given.

 

I think you know why you did this. I think you're more struggling with the fact that "it happened" AKA the fact that you did it.

 

If this doesn't align with your morals, commit to positive change. You can do anything you want!

 

Good point regarding the number. I have always had it but not like I pined over it for ages. I think he was a faraway kind of crush. I never thought of him until recently. Yes you are very right. I was struggling greatly with why it happened as opposed to me doing it. Today I read over the texts and I couldn't even scroll up - such was the shame!!! But if anything positive has come out of it, well I am struggling to find it.

 

I am starting to see I try and find escapism in validation from other men when I have too many troubles with a partner of mine. Now for the most part it is by being aware others find me attractive and so forth. Kind of pathetic really when you think about it as once the interest is confirmed (in my delusional head at least) I move on. However with this particular man, I WOULD have acted on it no matter how much I deny it.

 

I will actively work on filling my life with self validation versus seeking it in others. I hope that get a rid of my need to escape into a fantasy image of another man and from the looks of it, freak him out hahaha. Never felt more like a predator. At least he had the good sense to knock it down before I took it even further. I won't lie. I m still kind of pining over him but will never ever ever send messages like this again.

[purplesoul]

Look at your own behavior/the way you are participating...and get honest with your husband.

 

Your lies are also creating that distance between you two.

 

Have YOU considered going to AA yourself? Maybe you should both go?

 

I want to agree with everything you are saying regarding being honest with my husband. I was honest for a long time but his dishonesty about various events in his life (when I was brutally honest about my past from the beginning) make me think he would twist and turn my words as to suit his narrative and appear as the victim. I feel betrayed even though it was years ago. I resent I entered with an open heart and saw him as a honourable man who would not lie out of omission but he did and all along I was feeling guilty for being the "bad" person regarding our past lives. Basically I don't want him to have leverage over me. I realize how childish this all sounds since we are in our mid 30s. He is an excellent provider, a great friend and a man I care so much about but I don't trust him and he is working on making me trust him so I fear by revealing this, it will give him a ....upper hand!

 

I know I have a drinking problem. I just hide it better. Mine correlates directly with being upset. And yes that is an excuse.

 

How can I be honest when I am so dishonest with myself? I want a solid character. I really really really do.

Edited November 6, 2018 by purplesoul
Left something out

[Amethyst68]

You may want to think about why you'lied in the title of this thread.

 

 

You did not text twice, you about your second interaction was a prolonged series of flirting (I don't know if it went as far as sexting) until he stopped it and even then you went back again.

 

 

So why couldn't you be truthful to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

[purplesoul]

You may want to think about why you'lied in the title of this thread.

 

 

You did not text twice, you about your second interaction was a prolonged series of flirting (I don't know if it went as far as sexting) until he stopped it and even then you went back again.

 

 

So why couldn't you be truthful to a bunch of strangers on the internet?

 

I didn't mean to lie. I think I just wrote everything quickly. If you read through the thread, you will see I expanded on the conversation gone awry. I don't know what I am looking for. I really mean that. I sincerely hand on heart don't even know how to be honest with myself but I guess I never took it as far as I did. There could have been sexting but he stopped and infact chastised me for acting in such a manner.

[Doorstopper]

I see nothing in your post that shows that you stopped. To your first texts he basically said: "Yeah I have thoughts, but I'm not going there", with your second set of texts he flat out rejected you.

 

I could be wrong, but I think if he reacted positively to your texting, and flirting, you would be in the middle of an affair right now.

 

I will admit that you did not go back after the second rejection, but that can hardly be considered stopping. He stopped you.

 

Whether you have truly stopped this behavior, or are deciding that you stopped, as a coping mechanism to recover from his rejections, remains to be seen. If he texted you tomorrow and said lets get together for coffee, would you meet him?