Husband Says "I'm Done"

[PghGirl8516]

Hi everyone. Thanks for tuning in.

 

My husband and I have been together for quite some time, legally married for 5 years. We have two little boys, 3 and 8. My husband recently spoke the words "Im done" and needless to say....a knot quickly developed in my stomach. That sinking feeling engulfed me.

 

And I know exactly why.

 

Our sex life has been a disaster for nearly a year now. I take responsibility for a good half of that.

 

Ever since we had our now 3 year old...our relationship has sadly deteriorated. We've made many attempts at nipping stuff like this in the bud, but I am afraid we have failed.

 

We have little to no social life anymore. We don't have much family nearby, and our only childcare provider is daytime only. Date nights are hard to come by. When we do get a date night, we are on a time constraint which just fills me with anxiety. Our lives consists of work and kids and that's about it.

 

I am downright tired of feeling tired. Ive tried relaxation methods, meditation, lifestyle changes - exercising, detoxing, diets, and the opposite. Nothing seems to help. By the time our day is done, I am so beyond beat from the day that I am ready for bed by 9pm. I feel like I am becoming lifeless. Just a body. I don't feel joy like I once did. My children are my life, and I adore them dearly, but my life of being a mom and a mom only.....its now taking a toll on me. I miss the old me. A lot.

 

My husband works. As do I. But in vey different ways. He and I have completely opposite jobs. He sits in a cubicle from 8:30am to 5pm. I get up at 7am, tend to the kids, then myself, drop the kids off at school/daycare, then off to work I go, then pick the kids up, get home just to cook, clean, tend to our pets, homework, laundry, etc. It's a never-ending cycle.

 

My husband makes more money than I do. A lot more. I try to balance this by pushing harder with the home-duties but I feel like if I don't break away in some way I am going to go out of my mind. I am EXHAUSTED by 6pm daily. Ive even tried having a pot of coffee around 3pm just to be more lively at home in the evenings....

 

I have come undone. I feel as tho I've succumbed to this monotonous ground hog day-type of a life and I cannot seem to snap out of it. We try to do things as a family on the weekends but the kids then start fighting...one thing leads to another and our already heightened stress levels overflow and the plans typically get cut short.

 

This, in short, is what has lead my husband to this "I'm done" feeling. I don't know how to move forward in a positive way. Our marriage needs a pick-me-up. Desperately.

 

Any suggestions are so very welcomed!

[basil67]

So you're both working but you're the one who does all the domestic chores and child rearing too? What does he do after he gets home of an evening?

[d0nnivain]

If there is money available leverage to fix the problems. Get a house cleaner, avail yourself of baby sitting services.

 

Do find ways to have a romance when your kids go to sleep.

[darkmoon]

"My husband makes more money than I do. A lot more. I try to balance this by pushing harder with the home-duties"

 

did he ask you to push so? something tells me you do not have to push harder, for that is beyond human scope, to push hard all the time

 

no wonder you are exhausted, take an hour off now and again, more, to find the old you

[PghGirl8516]

My husband and I also have a side business. We flip houses and sell or rent them out. He does about 80% of the work on that. The majority of his work is outside of the house, the majority of my work is inside the house. Although I do work about 30 hours a week at an office job too.

 

He has asked me in the past to push a bit more because he feels as though I do not contribute the same amount as he does. I do agree that he and I should have equal parts and what we bring to the table as far as income goes, but I spend the majority of my time with the kids were as he spends most of his time bringing in money. It's a good balance, in my opinion. To be honest, he would not last a day in my shoes. He just isn't as nurturing as I am with the kids and the house would be turned upside down in less than 24 hours. I'm not just speculating. We've tried it. It just doesn't work.

 

I do get a couple hours here and there to myself, but I feel that at the core of all of this if it comes down to date nights and the lack of time we have with each other. ALONE. Even after the kids go to bed, I have no desire to be sexually active because I am just so mentally drained from the day.

 

My husband needs more than what I can give him at this time. We are comfortable financially but we do not have the means to hire a nanny or hire somebody to come in for a few hours to clean the house once or twice a week.

 

Another issue is that my husband is miserable at his job. It is a dead-end job, which although he has several years of experience in and is tenured, he gets no joy out of it. It's not a job that makes him feel fulfilled, which is his own fault for not taking additional steps to change the education that he has or further himself, but that's a whole different topic.

[Whoknew30]

My husband and I also have a side business. We flip houses and sell or rent them out. He does about 80% of the work on that. The majority of his work is outside of the house, the majority of my work is inside the house. Although I do work about 30 hours a week at an office job too.

 

He has asked me in the past to push a bit more because he feels as though I do not contribute the same amount as he does. I do agree that he and I should have equal parts and what we bring to the table as far as income goes, but I spend the majority of my time with the kids were as he spends most of his time bringing in money. It's a good balance, in my opinion. To be honest, he would not last a day in my shoes. He just isn't as nurturing as I am with the kids and the house would be turned upside down in less than 24 hours. I'm not just speculating. We've tried it. It just doesn't work.

 

I do get a couple hours here and there to myself, but I feel that at the core of all of this if it comes down to date nights and the lack of time we have with each other. ALONE. Even after the kids go to bed, I have no desire to be sexually active because I am just so mentally drained from the day.

 

My husband needs more than what I can give him at this time. We are comfortable financially but we do not have the means to hire a nanny or hire somebody to come in for a few hours to clean the house once or twice a week.

 

Another issue is that my husband is miserable at his job. It is a dead-end job, which although he has several years of experience in and is tenured, he gets no joy out of it. It's not a job that makes him feel fulfilled, which is his own fault for not taking additional steps to change the education that he has or further himself, but that's a whole different topic.

 

You’re trying to live a unrealistic expectation. Asking you to just make more money, is like asking him too. I’ve been a stay at home mom, majority for reasons beyond my control but I’ve never been made to feel that I’m only worth what I can financially bring to the table. So your worth as a mother, business partner & working means nothing?

 

You have more issues than missing date nights...you’re completely unappreciated & it seems like not only so you not see it, you’re enabling it & agreeing with it. Date nights are great for connection but not if you’re only seen as a check.

 

As for sex, who’s be attracted to a man that isn’t helping you domestically & is making you feel inferior for not doing more...is it are you really tired the reason you don’t want to have sex or are you losing that connection of attraction bc your husband is helping you to feel that way? They’re very different reasons.

 

Marriage is work & it takes both people to change it...not just one. Good luck

[PghGirl8516]

I absolutely agree. I am 110% unappreciated. Ive said that I him many times. His response is "well so am I! I work 7 days a week and provide financial support as well as healthcare for our family and I get go help from you".

 

"Help" as in money.

 

He is very naive to parenting and what all is involved. He wants me bringing in more money. Me bringing in more money means more daycare costs which needs we need more money....its a vicious cycle you see.

 

I want to try. I'm willing to try. I don't want my boys to be in a broken home nor am I in a place where I can financially support myself and the 2 kids. I acknowledge the hard work I know he does for us, and just because our work is DIFFERENT does not mean it's unequal.

 

Getting him to understand this is the bane of my marriage!

[stillafool]

As far as a social life is concerned, do you guys invite other couples with kids over for cook outs on the weekends and such? I know a lot of couples with kids socialize that way.

[Whoknew30]

I absolutely agree. I am 110% unappreciated. Ive said that I him many times. His response is "well so am I! I work 7 days a week and provide financial support as well as healthcare for our family and I get go help from you".

 

"Help" as in money.

 

He is very naive to parenting and what all is involved. He wants me bringing in more money. Me bringing in more money means more daycare costs which needs we need more money....its a vicious cycle you see.

 

I want to try. I'm willing to try. I don't want my boys to be in a broken home nor am I in a place where I can financially support myself and the 2 kids. I acknowledge the hard work I know he does for us, and just because our work is DIFFERENT does not mean it's unequal.

 

Getting him to understand this is the bane of my marriage!

 

You would not be the first (nor the last) married couple that faces the issues of the husband not fully understanding what it takes to take care of kids.

 

It’s great start that you’re seeing the whole issue...bc then your mind is open to more solutions on how to try & fix it. Every marriage (especially when kids are young) go through a rough patch. Balancing life is hard & there’s not “right” or “wrong” way...it’s the way that works for you both as a couple.

 

Can I suggest something...soon, even on a night you’re tired. Attack him, sexually. lol in a good way! It sounds like you need to just shake it up. One moment of fun chaos together, can be the jolt it takes to snap both your heads back together & make him surprisingly happy long enough to be more open to what you’re saying. My husband is extremely open when i surprise him with something out of the norm. If he’s sexually frustrated, it could be why he’s not being receptive & it’s coming out as being unappreciative. Doesn’t make it ok but we’re all human & don’t handle our feelings properly at times.

 

Good luck to you!

[Mrschaney]

My best advice to you is to get over it. Working and taking care of the house and kids is everyday life of most people. He makes more money and you only work part time. You should have the bulk of the work inside the home. Having kids that age is hard, but it gets easier as they age. Mine is a teenager and I have all the time to myself that I want now. I suspect most of your husbands problem is the lack of sex. Ive been tired, but never to tired to have sex with my husband. Its a huge part of marriage that you are neglecting. Next time he reaches for you just go with it. It wont take long before your hormones take over and you wont feel tired anymore. It really angers me when I read about women who claim to be to exhausted from normal everyday life to make love to their husbands. Lifes not that difficult to set aside some time for your man. You dont need a date night. Just put the kids to bed and spend some time with your husband in the bedroom. Be grateful for the life and the family you have. You have what other people dream about.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am EXHAUSTED by 6pm daily. Ive even tried having a pot of coffee around 3pm just to be more lively at home in the evenings....

 

Are you sure your problems aren't at least partly physical? Seems unusual your tank is empty by 6 pm, could be anything from low blood sugar to hormone imbalance. Have you had a full check-up?

 

I understand what you're saying about the demands of two small children. When we had 3 little ones, I took a vacation week from work to cover the home front so my wife could attend a family function out of town. I was never so happy to get back to the office in my entire life!

 

We are comfortable financially but we do not have the means to hire a nanny or hire somebody to come in for a few hours to clean the house once or twice a week.

 

I don't know that you can afford not to. It's a heck of a lot cheaper than divorce...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Yup, lifestyle prison, the destroyer of marriages everywhere.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sounds like a typical marriage/young children hell of a life. Misery and exhaustion about 95% of the time. Not sure what you were expecting when you put on a wedding dress and started popping out kids. This is the life you choose.

[BaileyB]

The happiness bell curve - people are most happy when they are old and young. Happiness dips in middle age as people are working, raising children, and dealing with elderly parents.

 

There is nothing particularly unusual about what you are experiencing or feeling. The difference is, rather than communicating, supporting each other, and working together as a team you are in a competition to determine who works harder and the resentment and animosity is building.

 

You need to get back on the same team and it starts by talking and helping each other to manage life’s responsibilities... cutting back where you can (why do you have a side business - do you really need the income?) or lightening the load where you can (ie hire a babysitter or a house cleaner once a week). You are not superwoman - don’t try to be... you will be happier, your children will have more time with you and they will be happier, and your husband might get some se - which will make him happier! Good luck.

[Simple Logic]

I would think at your age you have friends or neighbors who are in the same situation who might agree to an exchange of child sitting for some mommy and daddy time once or twice a month.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not talking housekeeping once or twice a week. I'm talking 2x a month. To save your marriage don't you think that cost is worth it?

 

Your husband is driven by dollars so do the math for him. Put a dollar value to everything you do. Then figure out the best paying extra job you could get & compare. If the housework is more, show him how much you are saving. If the job is more, take it & hire people to that which you can't

 

I'm going to be a bit crass here but you keep mentioning how tired you are & how much you don't feel sexy. I'm going to tell you that doesn't matter. At least once per week whether you feel like it or not get down on your knees & give him a BJ. It will do wonders for your marriage. Think of it like scrubbing the toilet if you have to; you probably don't want to do that either but you do it because you want your family to have a sanitary home. All submit to what I call "cold pizza sex." It's not as amazing as when you are in the mood & fully participating, but as the woman if you just lay there & let him your husband will be happier then he is right now & it won't take that much effort on your part. Sometimes, the act itself may even arouse you & you will be glad you to had sex. You may even enjoy it

 

I'm sure you wrote this thread hoping we were all going to say "poor baby, your husband is such a jerk." I'm not saying he's perfect. He measures the value of your contributions wrongly but he is still entitled to want what he wants. Since there are ways for you to give it to him with sacrificing too much IMO you need to make the effort. Isn't whatever you are giving up worth your marriage?

[PghGirl8516]

Thank you all for your responses! Lots of different view points.

A lot of our friends either have children old enough to stay home alone, or have zero kids at all and don't want any. We even tried a few social meetup groups in our city with other people that have children and it was very surprising how many of them either live with their parents and have constant child care or have babysitters that stay overnight in their home. Perhaps I am just picky, or too picky in the babysitter department.

 

I do understand that what I am going through right now, the life that I have including the responsibilities, the territory. I know that is what motherhood and adulthood is all about, I am not complaining that I have to actually do those things, it's doing it *alone*.

 

To the poster saying I signed up for this when I put on my wedding dress - I disagree. I am confident that the majority of us put on our wedding dress and our wedding rings under the assumption and faith that we are entering a partnership, a 50/50 split more or less. Not a competition. Not a "ok we are married now. Have fun keeping up the house and raising the kids solo. I'll be burying myself at work for the next 40 years".

 

Our side business has always been a dream of ours both. It was one of the things that connected us. Our goal is to have our side business be our main business, but until we are in a financial spot to do that and rely solely on that. the nine-to-five routine is a must right now.

[elaine567]

I am confident that the majority of us put on our wedding dress and our wedding rings under the assumption and faith that we are entering a partnership, a 50/50 split more or less.

 

Yes but your husband, does not feel it is 50/50.

He is working full time and doing 80% of the work in your side business.

He feels taken advantage of, what is he getting out of all this work?

He is not even getting sex from his wife.

 

You are BOTH on a treadmill here.

[BaileyB]

Well then, don’t give up the side business if it is your dream. Find another way to ease the pressure - a babysitter or a housekeeper.

 

I’m going to ask a difficult question but I would suggest that you really think about the answer - so many of my friends complain about their husbands/the division of labour and yet... they create the problem that they then complain about! They create the problem by agreeing to do all the work and not asking for help, they create the problem by telling their husband that he doesn’t do it “right” so they may as well do it themselves (even though, there may be some truth in that), and they create the problem by taking all the reaponbilibility for childcare when there are other, really good options available that just don’t meet their standards (because the standards are so high and the mother likes being “the best mother”). Do you hear what I’m saying...

 

I have a friend who cried to me one day and complained that her husband didn’t help with their baby but she wouldn’t even let her husband put the child to bed because “he didn’t know how to do it...” Well, he “didn’t know how to do it” because she had never let him do it!

 

I understand how exhausting it is to work a job, have children, maintain a house... and the thing that tends to get left is investing in the marriage because there is just nothing left in the tank. But, by priorizing your children, your home, your job, and not your marriage you are harming the very thing that your children need most - a stable, happy, and healthy family life. You don’t want to do that - you have to find a way to bring balance to your life such that you have more time for yourself and your husband. It is the best thing you could do for your children. Investing in your own health and your marriage is the single best thing you can do for your children!

 

As for your husband... well, I don’t understand how women think they can expect to keep their marriage when they don’t have sex with their husbands. I’m with Donnivain on this one - a well timed bj every now and again would do wonders for your marriage. Best wishes.

Edited November 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[nittygritty]

You need to talk to your husband and find out what he meant when he said “I’m done”. If he is planning on filing for divorce it may be too late to try to save your marriage. Lots of details need to be worked out and you are going to need to hire a good divorce attorney to help you.

 

Was there uncertainty about getting married prior to your oldest son being born?

[BaileyB]

You need to talk to your husband and find out what he meant when he said “I’m done”. If he is planning on filing for divorce it may be too late to try to save your marriage.

 

Would he consider marriage counselling? In my opinion, you need to do absolutely everything you can to right this ship before you divorce. I would hope that he would be open to taking about and working on the issues, before making the decision to break up your family.

[carhill]

OP, are you and H on social media? I've noted that popularity grinder can often suck people deeper into the lifestyle competition regime. Back when I was young, long before the internet, it was 'keeping up with the Jones''. People competing to be popular and having the envied lifestyle. Coming from the Depression era, our deal was simple, parents didn't care what went on down the street or who was 'better'. They saw poverty and death up close and personal (war) so had a firm grip on the priorities in life.

 

I'll echo MC as an option. However, if the lifestyle prison bars are strong, MC is unlikely to spring the marriage from the joint. All depends on the people. We dealt with some of that in MC, the lifestyle stuff. After that and the D I chose to get out of the lifestyle race and move to a simpler place to live out the rest of my life.

[PghGirl8516]

Funny enough, the reason we started the side business and real estate was because we both wanted to make sure that before we got pregnant with a second child, that I would not have to work full time. We both agreed that due to the struggle we had with having the older son in daycare for 40 hours a week plus the cost just was not worth it. We wanted to do something different the second time around. The rental business was supplemental income so that I could take the first 6 to 10 months off.

 

Everything was fine and dandy until my husband lost his job. At that point I started working part-time, just enough to bring in a little bit more money but without dumping $700 a month on child care. My husband then found another job, his current one, was working full-time, and I continue to keep my part time job. Part of the downward spiral began when my husband look me in the eye one night and said that he felt it was my fault that he had to go back into a full-time position in a field that he is not happy with. He felt pressured to do this because I was not employed full-time nor was I carrying health benefits for the family.

 

So you see, things have become scrambled since our original plan came to fruition, but that's life.

 

About a week before our wedding we actually both agreed that social media was no longer necessary in our lives. We have both seen other friends of ours have their lives nearly ruined because of social media and what it did to their marriage and their families. So we have been off social media for quite some time now.

[d0nnivain]

Your plan got scrambled & he's unhappy with his job. Sit & talk with him. Divorcing you isn't going to fix either of those problems. Maybe re-budget. Don't just let this go. Really talk to him & see where you two can right the ship of your marriage.

[BaileyB]

He thinks it is my fault that he had to go back into a full-time position in a field that he is not happy with. He felt pressured to do this because I was not employed full-time nor was I carrying health benefits for the family.

 

Tough nuggies. When you have two children and a family to support - sometimes you have to do what you have to do!

 

If he’s not happy with his job, there is nothing stopping him from looking for another job.

Edited November 4, 2018 by BaileyB