Beginning to resent my husband

[LonelyWife34]

Hi all,

 

First time poster here, but I’ve been around for a while. Anywho....

 

My husband and I have been together for 2 months shy of 16 years. I’m 34, he’s 31. We have two teenagers. At the moment, are living with his elderly parents. My husband doesn’t work, while I do. I have my own business and it’s been struggling to say the very least. Money has been and issue, so has living with his control freak father.

 

We have sex like 3 times a week but he claims it’s not enough. He gets really angry and feels I deprive him of sex..I don’t. We have sex all the time. He says I don’t give him oral sex enough..I do..a lot. But he gets angry because I don’t let him finish in my mouth. I’ve tried but I don’t like it. He says that that means I don’t care what he wants. Every little fight we have he brings up me not letting him finish in my mouth.

 

He is constantly telling me how wrong I am about everything, says I’m never on his side, whatever that means, says I’m never there for him, says I never listen to him, says I’m lazy, and he’s always complaining.

 

I don’t even really know what my question is or if I even have one. I just feel like I’m at the end of the rope.

 

I don’t believe in divorce. I also know it’s wrong to hateyour husband. But he is great sometimes. Sweet, caring, giving, Will go out of his way to make me happy, Buys me gifts for no reason at all, we have date nights regularly, and like I said our sex life is good in my opinion anyway.

 

I just feel like no matter what I could never make him happy and he always makes me feel like such a failure

[GinON]

Holy crow, he has no idea how good he has it and a lucky SOB at that. Sorry but your husband sounds a bit abusive and inconsiderate. Does he go down on you 3 times a week? Get him to read "She Comes First."

 

Does he have a reason for not working?

 

Can you lay this stuff out and explain how you feel, would he go to counseling? I know that you have time to fix things but you need to make sure he knows how unhappy you are and men respond to actions, words do not always work with us.

 

Good luck!

[BaileyB]

He is constantly telling me how wrong I am about everything, says I’m never on his side, whatever that means, says I’m never there for him, says I never listen to him, says I’m lazy, and he’s always complaining. Every little fight we have he brings up me not letting him finish in my mouth.

 

He is great sometimes. Sweet, caring, giving, Will go out of his way to make me happy, Buys me gifts for no reason at all, we have date nights regularly, and like I said our sex life is good in my opinion anyway.

 

I just feel like no matter what I could never make him happy and he always makes me feel like such a failure

 

Welcome! I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly...

 

Sure, your husband is great sometimes, except when he is complaining, putting you down, belittling you, dismissing your feelings, and pressuring you for sex.

 

I'm not sure what you want to hear, if divorce is not an option. Do you think your husband would be willing to go for marriage counselling with you? Or, does he have all the answers such that he is sure that you are the problem.

 

I will tell you this, your husband doesn't sound very fun to live with. A man who truly loves you doesn't call you lazy and pressure you for sex. Frankly, I'm amazed that you are willing to have sex with him three times a week - I wouldn't. You ALWAYS have the right to refuse any sex act. A kind husband and a good man would respect your decision and not try to bully you and pressure you into doing something that you do not want to do. Trust me.

[BaileyB]

Does he have a reason for not working?

 

Indeed. What is his reason for not working? Has he worked in the past?

Edited October 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

I find it hard to understand those who "don't believe in divorce". Does that mean that you will tolerate anything in order to stay married? I'm genuinely perplexed by that mentality and I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm also not saying that you need to leave your husband because that is entirely your decision.

[Zapbasket]

Sweetly tell him you'll gladly let him come in your mouth, one time for each time he gladly goes down on you--to climax--during your period.

 

That should be the end of that.

 

Given all you've said, I don't blame you for being at the end of your rope. Are there religious reasons you won't consider divorce? Your kids are teenaged, you're still young, you're the breadwinner--you could have a whole fresh start, if you wanted.

 

Not that I'm advocating divorce. I think the future success of this marriage, and your happiness in it, however, depends heavily upon his willingness to examine some of his behaviors and demands of you and make some concessions.

[CardsFan01]

Sounds to me like he’s not happy with himself, and he’s taking it out on you. I’d think it would be hard to feel very good about yourself if you don’t work and as a result you live with your parents. My guess is that if he doesn’t improve his situation, he’s not going to treat you any better.

[Marc878]

I've seen women like you struggle with deadbeat husbands and always wonder why?

 

Obviously it's not his charm.

 

Are you codependent perhaps?

[LonelyWife34]

He does go down on me just as often as I do him. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with him coming in my mouth but he said if I love him, I should learn how to, and not to just tolerate it, I should actually like it. He does watch a lot of porn, do you think that’s why? I feel like that’s all we fight about.

 

I don’t mind having sex, I enjoy it, but the more he treats me badly, the less I want it. I find myself becoming less and less attracted to him. He, on the other hand, can’t keep his hands off of me. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am, and how much he wants me and only me. But he makes me feel so lousy that I don’t feel the same way about him anymore.

 

He doesn’t work. There’s no reason why. He just doesn’t. He’s a spoiled little rich boy who comes from a wealthy family, he’s never had to work a day in his life! His parents do help us. My business has been horrible and it’s hard trying to pull the weight of 4 people with no help from him and I hate asking the in laws for help although they do help.

[BaileyB]

I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with him coming in my mouth but he said if I love him, I should learn how to, and not to just tolerate it, I should actually like it. He does watch a lot of porn, do you think that’s why?

 

He doesn’t work. There’s no reason why. He just doesn’t. He’s a spoiled little rich boy who comes from a wealthy family, he’s never had to work a day in his life! His parents do help us. My business has been horrible and it’s hard trying to pull the weight of 4 people with no help from him and I hate asking the in laws for help although they do help.

 

I'm sorry, that's not acceptable. Either one.

 

First, he's a "spoiled little rich boy" who has never had to work a day in his life... But yet, you are living with his parents and getting help financially from his parents? What am I missing here... A man of character would see his wife struggling to run a business and he would GET A JOB! What kind of a man sits back and does nothing when his wife is struggling to support the family? Is there a cultural reason why you live with his parents? Do they need the support because they are elderly? Are you there because you can not afford a home of your own? Is he not embarrassed to be living with his parents, when he is perfectly capable of finding work and supporting his family?

 

Is there any wonder that you are beginning to resent him. Frankly, I'm surprised you have tolerated him this long. I would divorce him for that reason and that reason alone. He is not your dependant. I'm sure on your wedding day, you did not vow to love, honor, and pay his bills while he sat on his behind and watched you work. Marriage is a partnership - in what ways does he contribute to the partnership?

 

Tell him, you will have sex with him again... When he grows up and assumes some adult responsibility - and gets a job! He's got too much time on his hands, that's why he's always thinking about sex!

 

As to the finishing in your mouth... I would say it is one of two things - either he has watched too much porn and he thinks fantasy is reality, or he is selfish and immature. It is probably both.

Edited October 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

I'm sorry, that's not acceptable. Either one.

 

First, he's a "spoiled little rich boy" who has never had to work a day in his life... But yet, you are living with his parents and getting help financially from his parents? What am I missing here... A man of character would see his wife struggling to run a business and he would GET A JOB! What kind of a man sits back and does nothing when his wife is struggling to support the family? Is there a cultural reason why you live with his parents? Do they need the support because they are elderly? Are you there because you can not afford a home of your own? Is he not embarrassed to be living with his parents, when he is perfectly capable of finding work and supporting his family?

 

Is there any wonder that you are beginning to resent him. Frankly, I'm surprised you have tolerated him this long. I would divorce him for that reason and that reason alone. He is not your dependant. I'm sure on your wedding day, you did not vow to love, honor, and pay his bills while he sat on his behind and watched you work. Marriage is a partnership - in what ways does he contribute to the partnership?

 

Tell him, you will have sex with him again... When he grows up and assumes some adult responsibility - and gets a job! He's got too much time on his hands, that's why he's always thinking about sex!

 

As to the finishing in your mouth... I would say it is one of two things - either he has watched too much porn and he thinks fantasy is reality, or he is selfish and immature. It is probably both.

I dont think she is supporting anyone, including her self. They are living off his parents.

[giotto]

You are in abusive relationship. Get out.

[LonelyWife34]

I dont think she is supporting anyone, including her self. They are living off his parents.

 

They aren’t totally supporting us. I make money. It’s just that they own they’re home, so we live with them rent free.

[LonelyWife34]

And actually, yes, in our culture it’s not unheard of for someone to live with their parents.

 

Is he abusive? He’s never hit me, but sometimes I feel hitting me would hurt less.

[Mrs._December]

We have sex like 3 times a week but he claims it’s not enough. He gets really angry and feels I deprive him of sex..I don’t. We have sex all the time. He says I don’t give him oral sex enough..I do..a lot. But he gets angry because I don’t let him finish in my mouth. I’ve tried but I don’t like it. He says that that means I don’t care what he wants. Every little fight we have he brings up me not letting him finish in my mouth.

Well ain't he a charmer.

 

 

Can you imagine what life would be like if he took all that energy he constantly spends trying to get off all the time and actually put it into being a productive human being who actually works and brings home a paycheck?

 

 

I mean seriously, what is so horribly wrong with this guy that continually whining about you not letting him 'finish' in your mouth is a bigger priority for him than providing for his family like his wife and his parents have to do because he won't? I honestly can't respect a man who thinks it's totally fine to let his wife pull his weight for him, and is such a failure in life that he has to move his wife and kids into his parent's house.

 

 

I find it absolutely hysterical that he calls YOU lazy.

 

 

Pot meet kettle.

 

 

I don’t believe in divorce.

Then sadly, I guess your life will always be spent living hand to mouth and having to support someone whose too lazy to work and who thinks it's perfectly fine to plant his family at mommy and daddy's house. And or an added bonus, you get a guy who knows you 'don't believe in divorce' and therefore, will continue taking full advantage of you, treating you like crap, and acting as though you were put on this earth solely to support him and continually service him sexually.

 

 

Buys me gifts for no reason at all, we have date nights regularly...

How big of him to spend the money YOU earn (or that his parents have given him) while he sits at home, perfectly capable of earning a living but choosing NOT to.

 

 

I couldn't even begin to respect someone like this so I'll just say, lots of luck to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Buys me gifts for no reason at all

 

With who's money ?

 

LonelyWife34, have you thought about the example being set for your kids here? You might think about how to provide a more healthy environment, if only for them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Have you tried changing his taste? Feed him pineapple juice or garlic.

 

As for the rest of it, you don't appear to be well respected in this marriage. If you don't believe in a divorce, are you prepared to stay & suffer? He's not going to change.

[Rico3]

This isn’t love. He has no respect or love for you. He’s incredibly selfish and is taking full advantage of you.

 

You need to believe in divorce for your kids sake. You and your kids deserve better.

[Rico3]

He does go down on me just as often as I do him. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with him coming in my mouth but he said if I love him, I should learn how to, and not to just tolerate it, I should actually like it. He does watch a lot of porn, do you think that’s why? I feel like that’s all we fight about.

 

I don’t mind having sex, I enjoy it, but the more he treats me badly, the less I want it. I find myself becoming less and less attracted to him. He, on the other hand, can’t keep his hands off of me. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am, and how much he wants me and only me. But he makes me feel so lousy that I don’t feel the same way about him anymore.

 

He doesn’t work. There’s no reason why. He just doesn’t. He’s a spoiled little rich boy who comes from a wealthy family, he’s never had to work a day in his life! His parents do help us. My business has been horrible and it’s hard trying to pull the weight of 4 people with no help from him and I hate asking the in laws for help although they do help.

 

I’ve actually been this guy in a past relationship. He doesn’t love you. He’s using you for sex and companionship. When you truly love someone sex takes a back seat. Even with someone with a high sex drive like me. And when you love someone you never ever make them do something they dont like to do. Ever.

[burnt]

Is there anything he can do that would would make you call it quits with the marriage?

 

If there is no limit to what he can get away with, what reason does he have for wanting to change from what he's doing now?

 

I am sorry for what you are going through; but also sorry to say, he's not the problem; the issue is with you for tolerating whatever he does.

 

You are married to an abusive, disrespectful man who is using you. If divorce is not an option, and he's family's providing him with a place to stay and his wife is doing the work and providing him with sex and everything else, what reason does he have to treat you any differently?

 

What advice would you like to receive here?

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow you are the breadwinner ... and living with his annoying father ... and having sex three times a week ... and he's complaining?

 

You got to be kidding me.

 

Complaining about not finishing in your mouth--16 years in? ... Come on!

 

Just because you don't believe in divorce doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself ... It's time for you to stop letting him put you on the defensive?

 

I mean flip this: imagine you tell him, "if you had a job, I would know you loved me." Frankly, that's more real and realistic and justifiable (Unless he has some health condition) ... than him talking about finishing in your mouth.

 

I'm sorry: date night ... does not make up for his fundamental mistreatment of you and his ignoring your desires and feelings.

[Carpe Diem]

‘Hi Mom, can I get your advice,

 

I’ve been dating this guy for three months, he is unmotivated and sponges off his parents. He also constantly makes sexual demands that I feel uncomfortable with. He always moves to the manipulation line ‘well if you loved me, you’d...’. when I say no. He also just informed me that he has no intention of getting a job but wants me to bust my ass day in and day out and carry the load for him and our future children.

 

The best part is..... he just let me know he never plans for us to save, get our own house and create our own life. We’ll just move in rent free to his parents house and live begging and sponging off of them for decades. He’ll do nothing all day and wait for me to get home so he can f.. me and let me know how terrible and unloving I am because I won’t.....

 

Help mom, what should I do? I’m only 20 with my whole life in front of me.

 

Actually, on second thought, I don’t need your advice. I’ve seen you do it ever day for 20 years. You’ve been a great role model. I don’t believe on divorce either. If you can do it, I can too.”

[giotto]

 

Is he abusive? He’s never hit me

 

 

He's been mentally abusive. He doesn't need to hit you to be abusive towards you.

[LonelyWife34]

I hate divorce. Especially when there are kids involved. I made a vow before God, “through good times, and bad”, that’s what we said. I keep hoping he’ll get better. I try talking about it but it’s never the right time. I can’t bring it up when he’s angry because then he thinks I’m flipping the script to be mad at him when he was mad at me first and that’s not fair. I try bringing it up when he’s not angry and he either promises to do better, or sometimes it makes him angry. He says I’m self-centered and that I make everything to be about me. That’s exactly how I feel about him.

 

I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to throw away 16 years of my life.

 

There’s another thing that I don’t know how to bring up, exactly. Guess I’ll just blurt it out.

 

I have this thing for someone else...I’m not cheating. We don’t even talk or associate, really. But I’ve known him since we were kids. We grew up together. We used to hang out all the time and I’ve always had this ginormous crush on him. Still do. He’s married with 3 kids and he’s the perfect husband. I think about him all the time and how my husband doesn’t measure to this guy on his best day.

 

I don’t know if that means anything.

[standtall]

 

Is he abusive? He’s never hit me, but sometimes I feel hitting me would hurt less.

 

That speaks volumes about how you feel.

 

Btw, You are not going to be able to change him, you can only change yourself and they way you act toward him...that may or may not get him to change his behavior. With that said, ask yourself how you want him to treat you and your children, and then ask yourself how you can change your behavior toward him to best accomplish that goal.