Should I apologize to my wife?

[regretfulhubby]

What I'm about to say may stun people, so be forewarned...

 

A little bit of a background on both of us:

 

I'm 35, I own my own business, and was a bit of a jock and a womanizer back in my high school and early college years. My dad and mom are still married, my dad was married once before and really beat a negative view on women to my brother and I because of his previous marriage (he was screwed financially by his ex wife and child support) as well as his father being cheated on and divorced as well. My dad's first marriage was really ugly and I think his stories is what scared me to do what I'm about to describe next.

 

My wife is 34 and 1/2. She grew up with a very broken family, never got to meet her real father, and was sexually abused and assaulted growing up as a teen (her mother before being arrested, dated dumb guys that would pimp her out). She's a total bombshell though and has natural curves that puts the Kardashians to shame , and we make quite the couple.

 

So we met on an online dating site 13 years ago. She thought I was quite the hottie and instigated the conversation first, and I immediately expressed my attractions for her as well. She lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere 2 hours from where I lived, and she lived with her grandma who was super strict and forced her to go to church. We met a few times and hit it off really great, and we couldn't keep our hands off each other, the chemistry was just overwhelming.

 

It was 3 months into the long distance relationship till she moved in with me, and insisted having kids right away. We only went out 3 times before she moved in with that 3 month span. It turns out her grandma was about to move and is why she wanted to live with me.

 

I at the time was thinking with my small head since 2 of the 3 times we hooked up having just mind blowing sex. However my dad's stories of grandpa and his previous marriage, and listening to Tom Leykis (a controversial radio host, look him up if you don't know him), left me weary and worried of being screwed over.

 

I laid out ground rules which I thought would have pushed her away. I mean I was stricter than a Muslim extremist with his many wives. I immediately informed her that I was gonna have her sell her cell phone at the time and her only computer so we could use only my computer and buy her cellphone and have her on my plan. Part of the agreement was that I install software that would let me know who she called, who she texted, the whole 9 yards even if she deleted her texts I would be able to read the entire transcript. Here are the rules that I am ashamed about:

 

"- She was to work a part time job, with all finances going to funding my college classes so I could build a career.

 

- She was to let me know where she's at, at all times, to text me pictures of her location (I also installed a GPS tracker in all of her phones she had throughout the years so I knew she was telling the truth)

 

- She wasn't allowed to hang out with male friends alone, and if anyone hit on her it was her job to warn them 3 times before cutting off all contact with them, if they sent nudes or requested them, she would immediately block them

 

- She wasn't allowed to have any drugs on her person or in my house.

 

- Part of the agreement was we would both subject ourselves to an STD test that I paid for (luckily we both only had HPV)

 

- We would marry first before having children and I would have lawyers involved to get a prenup done so if we divorce I wouldn't have to pay any alimony and we would have joint custody of the kids so no child support and whatever we brought into the relationship we would freely leave with what we brought in.

 

- When we have kids, all children she has would be subject to a paternity test and that I have a 0 tolerance on any extramarital affair. We would also get home security so I would know if she snuck out or invited someone over without my knowledge.

 

- If we did have kids, when they got old enough, she'd start working part time again and I would fund her college classes so she could get a career so we could both have professions to fund our future kids' schooling, cars, our retirement etc.

 

- I expected her to keep wherever we lived looking great (I told her I'd do outdoor work and maintenance)

 

- During her time of the month, she was expected to perform anal and oral. We would NEVER have a 3rd in our marriage or do a threesome (had one back in high school and hated the experience ever since). She would also wear any kinky outfit or lingerie that I buy her.

 

- Lastly she was to keep her figure and never get too overweight."

 

Surprisingly, she agreed to everything. For the first two years, I felt she was gonna mess up. She never did. Because of the 0 tolerance on drugs, she fell away from the friends she had at the time (they all had troubling pasts and were frequent druggies).

 

So the first two years we were dating like crazy and I finished my career. Despite how busy I was, she never broke any of the rules and I was treated like a king. Before we got married, I didn't want her to have any weird problems so I paid her to have counseling so she could heal and move on from what had happened to her. Honeymoon was phenomenal, and to this day I have a love life that has many of our friends (especially my high school and college buds) very envious.

 

When we did have our 2 kids, they both turned out to be mine. There were a few times where some creeps on different social media sites tried hitting her up, and she did as told. The software that showed the original chats, revealed she never deleted a thing. So she was and still is 100% faithful. My security cameras never showed her sneaking out or sneaking someone in, The GPS trackers were never disabled, and at random times I peaked through her personal belongings and never found a "secret cell phone." On the computer, same thing. No secret social media accounts, no secret emails, no dating sites or apps... she kept her word.

 

So even though things were rushed, I never had to worry about anything. To those reading, don't worry, I never cheated on her (our bedroom routine keeps me drained and very happy) and I've since then fell in love with her character. My kids are well taken care of, and life's great. But I only truly fell in love with her as a person about a couple years or so ago. It was no longer just about the sex for me, or the gratification she brought to me in the relationship. So that's why I'm writing this.

 

I feel really guilty that I am this strict, and I feel like a complete jerk and a dictator. The thought has been getting worse every passing month and I just don't know what to do. Should I apologize? Since I'm the main provider and I take care of everyone, do I owe it to her since I'm feeling like I do? Should I buy an apology gift?

 

Anyways, wanting to get feedback and see what I should do. Thanks everyone.

[BaileyB]

I think you should divorce the poor woman and set her free...

 

My goodness, I think I'd rather be in prison than live with you. At least, I may be treated with some kindness there...

[Zahara]

It’s apparent why she was submissive towards you and your demands seeing how she was abused and was conditioned to accept being treated less than by men in her past. It’s a nice gesture that you paid for her therapy in order for her to get over her scars but how ironic when you were/are a contributor and trigger to her issues as well. You’re no different from those that subjected her to poor treatment.

 

A woman with a healthy dose of self-esteem would not have put up with your rules. I hope she’s in a better state of mind and is able to stand up for herself. I’m not sure what an apology would do unless it’s backed up by consistent and genuine action — kindness and empathy. Maybe you should seek a therapist and figure why you lack it.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Zahara

[TheRainbow]

Damn....

It's like she's living in a prison.

I have a history of infidelity and not even my husband now that we are reconciling puts this many restrictions on me. Let her go.

[BettyDraper]

Some men like to prey on damaged women. They take advantage of the women’s low self esteem so that they can feel powerful. It’s so sad because those who were abused in their childhoods attract abusive partners. I’m glad that you’re ashamed of your cruelty. That shows that you aren’t a sociopath even though you acted like one.

 

You should take your wife on a vacation where SHE chooses the destination and buy her a beautiful ring. Propose to her again and ask if she would like to start a healthy marriage with you. Apologize for your abuse and then find a therapist for yourself.

[bathtub-row]

I was going to comment on several things in this post but just can't because it would be fairly brutal. I feel sick just reading it. You should be in prison.

[Normm]

Why would you need to paternity test the children? With your surveillance system in place there's no way she could screw another guy.

 

Also you can't put custody and child support into a prenuptual agreement, it won't hold up in court, those things are determined by a court which makes their rulings based on state formulas and factors such as witness testimony as to who would be the better primary caregiver if joint custody cannot be agreed upon between the parties.

 

 

As for the rest of it? You sound rather controlling and paranoid but hey, she went along with it [no one had a gun to her head- and she moved in with you because she had nowhere else to go so she sort of used you- so that's on her as well. Truth is some of the stuff is off the charts but a lot of it actually makes some sense especially given the history of drugs- sounds like you had to draw a hard line to get her cleaned up.

Edited October 25, 2018 by Normm

[BaileyB]

Truth is some of the stuff is off the charts but a lot of it actually makes some sense especially given the history of drugs- sounds like you had to draw a hard line to get her cleaned up.

 

Sorry, I truly don't mean to disagree with you...

 

But, this kind of control and some of these "rules" are degrading and abusive to a woman. Is there ever any justification for this kind of behavior? I don't think so.

[Mr. Lucky]

Should I buy an apology gift?

 

Not sure what qualifies as a greater concern - your "rules" or the fact you're asking that question.

 

Anyways, wanting to get feedback and see what I should do. Thanks everyone.

 

Are you looking to apologize for the past or change the future?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

Sorry, I truly don't mean to disagree with you...

 

But, this kind of control and some of these "rules" are degrading and abusive to a woman. Is there ever any justification for this kind of behavior? I don't think so.

 

 

No there's no justification for the control and what can be considered abusive behavior- although the only thing I see that cross that line from control to abuse is the insistence on anal and oral sex during her period.

 

But there's a lot of blame to go around between 2 very dysfunctional individuals and perhaps their parents.

[losangelena]

What kind of gift do you think would make up for years of totalitarian abuse? How about you give her the gift of a better marriage, and go to marriage therapy. Seriously.

[NuevoYorko]

Wow. Where's the upside of this relationship? Sounds wretched.

[Zapbasket]

Is this post even for real?

 

Giving benefit of the doubt that it is, indeed, real, the advice I have for you for what to give your wife as an "apology gift" is something that likely will only materialize as the outcome of some pretty intensive therapy on your part.

 

It is the gift of TRUST. Without mutual trust, there is no love. You do not love your wife, though I see that you think you do. You merely dominate her. I suspect that the minute she ever dares to stand up to you or refuses to comply with even one item on your pathological list of rules, your so-called "love" will mysteriously vaporize into the ether of your considerable narcissism.

 

When you love someone, you embrace the fact that they are a separate human being, free to choose what makes them happy. You can HOPE that they choose you, and keep choosing you. But you can't control that. This puts you in a vulnerable position, but what you get in return is the knowledge that when she chooses you over and over, it really is HER choice, of her own free will, not something coerced out of her because you have removed her power of choice.

 

But she has accepted this marriage under your terms, you argue. Yes, she has, but with her history of abuse, are you surprised? People often choose what they know, regardless of whether it really is good or right them; they choose it because it is familiar. You think you "have" your wife. You don't have her at all. Because you don't know whether she'd choose you if she were free of the demons of her past, and felt truly free to choose a life for herself.

 

From your post I highly doubt you're capable of giving her the gift of trust. Because to do so, you have to risk losing her. But this gift, in normal, healthy people, is what relationships BEGIN with; it's not some consolation gift for your controlling, abusive ways that make you, by the way, a TERRIBLE husband, and nor is it given as some kind of "reward" for someone's complacency about doing your bidding 24/7.

 

I'm really curious: have you ever had a relationship before this one? Did you roll out a similar list of demands in previous relationships?

[regretfulhubby]

Guys thanks for your messages. To answer your questions, I've had various relationships growing up, and no my demands were not this crazy. She was really rushing things super fast at first. Like I said, we slept together right away, she moved in, and wanted to start a family ASAP.

 

To be honest part of me originally hoped to scare her off. When she agreed, at the time I thought, well she could be a live in F-buddy and the moment she messes up, I'd kick her to the curb. Well she never messed up. The moment I laid out the rules, she agreed, she knew a lot of her "friends" at the time were like TheRainbow, couldn't keep faithful to save their life and would sleep with anything that moved, so she felt like I was a very smart man with potential.

 

She admired that I knew how to plan things out, and had confessed to me that I put her life together. One thing I forgot to mention, even though she lost all of her friends that she grew up with, she did make a lot of good friends over the years. She opened up more and more with me during her time with the counselor and she developed a very deep bond with me.

 

To those who thought I'd yell, or hit her, or argued with her... no that never happens. WE sometimes fought when I was losing inspiration during the last of my college years, but that was about it. She didn't mind at all that her money went to pay for my classes. She said she felt she was investing very much into my future as she was her own.

 

As for the paternity tests, she knew that there were shady women out there and agreed to do it to put a peace of mind, and that it was her dream to be married, have a family and a partner to grow old with and a 100% trust. She used to share with me various Maury Show clips and would laugh during the times she was pregnant.

 

Right now she's in school and has a really nice part time gig set up so she could watch the kids when they're back from school.

 

I know my post was long but to quickly summarize I met her when I was 22, she was 21, I graduated college at 24, we married at 25, had my first kid at 27, 2nd kid at 29, at 30 my business was booming so we bought a beautiful home and by 34 we were talking about her going to school so she can get a degree. Since our kids are now 8 and almost 6, yeah they're at school. In case if anyone wanted clarity on the time line.

 

Also to add, I haven't pushed her for anal for quite some time (last time was over 3 months ago).. I wrote that because I remember at that age I was super into it, however these past few years, I haven't pushed for it and if it happened it happened. Oral, though, I really don't have to ask at this point, she just does it, so I assume she likes making me happy. In case if anyone is confused, for clarity purposes, once during my high school year, and another during my first semester of college, I've had a ffm threesome a mmf threesome which I regret because I HATE BOTH with a passion, and so just to clarify, I'm not forcing my wife to have a threesome in case if anyone was wondering.

 

Lastly to add, the moment I felt like I was falling hard for her, I really did start to ease up on her greatly. I wasn't checking the history on the stuff every weekend, and checked it at best once a month. And lastly to clarify, I didn't have to remind her to do what I expected or to remind her of those "rules" I laid out. I really mean when I said, I told her practically once and she ran with it.

 

It's just now in my 30s, I feel guilty. I could really care less about those rules, but it's become such a routine for her, I wonder if it would damage the relationship at this point. I do tend to think of myself as a great father since I'd do anything for my kids, and anytime any of them including my wife got sick, yeah I took care of them.

[Haydn]

You haven`t been strict enough...........

 

Give em an inch.....

[standtall]

RH, You sound as if you have some very serious issues. And yes, your demands are crazy as hell, and you are 100% wrong in every aspect of this relationship. 10,000 apologies would not be enough for your victim. try 10,000 years in prison.