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Messy partner


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Hello,

I'm 22 years old and I'heve been with my girlfriend for 2.5years. Problem is that my girlfriend is so messy. Her room is a total mess, at the begining of the relationship she clean her room often, but in a past year it completely change. Her clothes is laying everywhere, her table is full of dirty cups and plates covered with mold. I have never seen so many different species of mold in my life. Dust is everywhere. When she arrived home she just drop all clothes and go to bed. I have been diagnosed for allergy on dust, but she don't even care. She use vacuum cleaner max. 1x time for month.

Another problem is that she don't care about personal hygiene. Once I count the days when she didn't shower (and clean teeth) and it was 10days in a row. It is funny that I shave my pubic hair more often. This is so big turn off for me. As we are in our 20's our sex life is far from that age.

I am complete oposite of her, my room is always clean, I work out, and I can't go in bed unless I shower and clean my teeth. My story probably sound unreal, but unfortunately it is reality. So what should I do? What can I say to her to change this? Help me please.

 

Ben

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Do you live with her? It doesn't sound like it, since you mention 'her room' and 'your room'.

 

If so, did you know she was like this before you moved in?

 

 

As far as I'm concerned, it's an incompatibility that's grounds for a break up. She comes home, drops her clothes, and gets into bed? Not showering or brushing teeth is more disturbing than a messy room. Is she depressed?

 

22 is too young to settle for this, or try to be a 'fixer'.

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Any problem you have now - or potential problem - will likely grow over time. You can bet if you stay with her she is not going to become Martha Stewart over night and is going to continue to be 'messy'. Only you can decide if you can live with it. I suspect you can not and it will become an ever larger issue.

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You can't do anything to change her. She has to want to change & that is all on her.

 

I'm messy. I have always been messy. I will always be messy. That said I am not dirty . . . there is no mold, my house isn't gross but there is stuff everywhere. My personal hygiene does not suffer. That is just disgusting but it may be an outward manifestation of deep seated depression.

 

One of my EXs was a very neat person. He & I were the Odd Couple -- think Felix & Oscar. He cleaned. I said thank you.

 

When I got married I asked a dear friend for marital advice. He said "try not to have money problems & hire a housekeeper).

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I have a hard time being around those who are dirty with poor hygiene.

I don't think that your relationship will last if your girlfriend's disgusting habits continue.

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Hello,

I'm 22 years old and I'heve been with my girlfriend for 2.5years. Problem is that my girlfriend is so messy. Her room is a total mess, at the begining of the relationship she clean her room often, but in a past year it completely change. Her clothes is laying everywhere, her table is full of dirty cups and plates covered with mold. I have never seen so many different species of mold in my life. Dust is everywhere. When she arrived home she just drop all clothes and go to bed. I have been diagnosed for allergy on dust, but she don't even care. She use vacuum cleaner max. 1x time for month.

 

Another problem is that she don't care about personal hygiene. Once I count the days when she didn't shower (and clean teeth) and it was 10days in a row. .

 

Hi Ben,

 

I was about to give you a bunch of reasons why she may not be cleaning her room - maybe, her parents didn't clean and she has never had that model, it's hard sometimes to clean and declutter a small space, etc...

 

But then, I got to the mold and the poor personal hygiene and I changed my mad. You are clearly not compatable with this girl, in this respect. You shouldn't not have to remind her to shower - she is a grown woman. I'm sorry, this is only going to get worse so I would probably end it.

 

I would tell her though, that the reason why you are ending the relationship is because her room and her hygiene is terrible. This kind of feedback may cause her to reconsider her habits, but be prepared that it may only be temporarily...

 

I'm sorry.

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What a disgusting woman to be with, dumb her already...I would me understanding if it was a guy not a girl, this is a big red flag for a woman.

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IT all comes down to what you can tolerate. I know in my marriage and even in a previous relationship, I was the tidy one. I like a clean house. It's very seldom I go to bed at night with dishes unwashed, laundry not washed and put away. My husband, on the other hand, is a messy person. Even though we are separated while working on our marriage, I go over there on my days off and will do his laundry, and tidying up his house. I also do all the cooking when I'm there. WHich is fine with me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

She used to not have a problem and now she does.

 

If she can't brush her teeth, she is suffering from major depression and should seek treatment asap.

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If I were in your place, I’d make it really clear to her that her habits are disgusting and that you’re not going to tolerate it. This isn’t something to tiptoe around on. Tell her you’re doing her a favor by breaking up with her because that’s exactly what will happen to her in any relationship she’s in unless she straightens up.

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Omg TEN DAYS of not showering? Let me tell you. I've not showered for ten days...when I've been on long backpacking trips. It is the GROSSEST feeling, but in the backcountry you get over it and besides, no one else will see/smell you, and any you do see are probably equally smelly. Even when I'm in the backcountry, the first thing I do when I get to camp is find some stream or lake or something where I rinse my skin, where the salt from my sweat throughout the day has left a film, and all the sunscreen and such. I bring a small slice of biodegradable soap and where there's deeper moving water, I jump in naked and scrub down.

 

So I cannot IMAGINE what kind of psychology a person must have to not shower for ten whole days in human society and in her home. This girl has problems you cannot fix, and you're too young for these kinds of problems. If you were in your sixties and had been married for years I'd say you need to get her some help, but in your case your best "help" is to leave her.

 

I'll bet your health and respiration will suddenly improve, too.

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