retroactive jealousy over sexting

[Baylisstic21]

my wife and i are in our 30's and have been together for almost 5 years and we love each other vey much. my wife can't imagine her life without me and i feel the same. we have our problems but overall we share a deep and loving relationship.

 

lately there has been something hanging over me, a dark cloud. i recently found a couple of sexual emails my wife sent to her ex while they were together around 8 years ago. ever since reading them i've been feeling really down at times, just having those images in my head of the sexual things she wrote that she wanted to do to him. i know i'm at fault for reading her emails and it's something i certainty don't want to repeat.

 

ever since, the thought that bothers me so much is "you did it with him, why not with me?" in regard to the sexting. she has never sexted me. despite me sending her and her knowing i like that. and i feel jealous because i want to feel desired in the same way, and wish texts like that were sent to me.

 

i'm pretty sure she's not into sexting anymore as a consequence of her changing as a person, a process that started after she broke up with him and a year or two before she met me. she became more grounded person, more spiritual, more self aware. the type of men she was interested in changed too, from firey men to man that r still loving and caring but not so wild and more grounded. she said to me in the past that i'm better than that ex in many ways and i know she chose me. she also said the she used to send sexual messages but it was like acting. i'm not sure what she meant by that, maybe something she felt she should do and not something that came from within. however, after reading the emails, it seems to me she sent them because she was horny.

 

i keep on telling myself that what matters is she does to me the same sexual things she described in the email. and that we have a good sex life and we love each other.

 

but sometimes i have this obsessive thought that maybe the reason she sent those messages to him and not to me is because she was just more attracted to that guy in a physical way that she is to me. am i crazy for thinking that?

[Mr. Lucky]

It's amazing how many problems seems to come from reading old letters, diaries, emails and texts. I'll start by pointing out the obvious - your wife wouldn't be the woman you love today without ALL the experiences that have shaped her.

 

Assuming you have a healthy sex life, think of all the things she does and enjoys with you she didn't do with him. My friend, you are truly not seeing the forest for the trees...

 

Mr. Lucky

[zouz71]

Never confront her or confess to her about it because this will never make things better.

 

 

the problem is in you regarding this issue , not her .

 

 

I assume you never sexted her or played games either .

 

 

as long as you compete with him you will fails ; you need to look at it from different perspective ; libido goes up and down in us , choose the best timing in terms of her readiness and heat up the relation .

try to see her response on you sexting her ; but timing , readiness for this change can't be offloaded properly except you do it gradually ...

 

 

women after stabilizing are more geared to like emotional drift ( that could include sexual acts ) but it can't be just physical .

 

 

at that age she could have been more into sexual acts ; now after a stable marriage , she most probably less sexual.

 

 

if you are hungry for a change in sexual relation to satisfy your ego ; work on it with her hinting desires .

 

 

but if she knows that you are doing it because of the old guy ; then expect her to be less sexual ....

 

 

Sometimes we can't get everything we want .

 

 

my wife for example never gave me except vanila sex ; after a separation of 1 year caused by so many things , we were able to reconcile ; we changed both a bit , but I am always sure she will never change sexually ; but the major issues especially roles of a husband and a wife are now clear .

 

 

I had to accept it or leave , I accept because all other things are more important now to me than just a blow job .

 

 

it is called maturity .

 

 

if she takes care of you , loves you in a non selfish way , work out slowly on enhancing things ...

 

 

if you can't get rid of the burden in few weeks , seek therapy ...

Edited October 17, 2018 by zouz71

[BaileyB]

It's amazing how many problems seems to come from reading old letters, diaries, emails and texts. I'll start by pointing out the obvious - your wife wouldn't be the woman you love today without ALL the experiences that have shaped her.

 

Assuming you have a healthy sex life, think of all the things she does and enjoys with you she didn't do with him. My friend, you are truly not seeing the forest for the trees...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Oh goodness, yes.

 

It was eight years ago. This happened before she met you. It's very likely that if you ask her, she would say that she has gained maturity in those years which is why she is not sexting anymore. The things we often do in our youth, are not the things that we do with age and maturity.

 

You have a good life with this woman, a healthy sex life that makes you feel happy and well loved.

 

If your ego is bruised and you insist on making problems where none exist, you are welcome to do that. Just know, it won't take long for your wife to become frustrated by your behavior and it will likely have a negative affect your relationship and your sex life.

Edited October 17, 2018 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/retroactive-jealousy-ocd/ - might help

[smackie9]

What brought you to snooping/reading through her old emails in the first place? It's not like she had them up on her screen on display. What is it you are not telling us?

[Exformer]

I do wonder what made you snoop through the e-mails. There could be more trouble going on with your relationship, or perhaps just more insecurities before you knew the e-mails ever existed.

 

Putting that aside, I understand where the feelings come from. You aren't crazy, you're just letting your insecurity drive you crazy.

 

I've had the same kind of insecurities myself, and I'm surely not immune to feeling them again in the future. Even reading your post, there's an instinctual and familiar turning in my gut for a moment. The one and only thread I started on this board was about a very similar thing that I had to struggle with big time, and it's still something I actively manage at times.

 

No one wants to be second best or just less to their significant other. You want to be overall better than the previous guys who came before you. And you don't want to be lacking in any area when compared either. Equal to or better in all categories across the board, and overall superior is about the only satisfactory result for your competitive side. That can be sexual appeal to being a better provider to whatever.

 

Sexual desire and adventurous sex life are a good signs of strong attraction. Comparing the lacking sexual adventure of your relationship with her to to her relationship with someone else that was more adventurous than your own is pretty crushing. And yes, she could have been more attracted to him physically or sexually than she is to you. You aren't nuts to wonder...this kind of thing happens all the time. There are posts about ONS and how hot they were that are completely different to the attraction the same girl feels about their SO. But that's not the only explanation...though I'd suggest that it takes strong attraction to go out of your comfort zone sexually.

 

I'm all for communication, but really only if its productive. So, keep from attacking her with evidence found snooping...or attacking her at all. If you want her to do something sexual, you've got to make it attractive or at the very least fun. Attempt sexting her a few times. If she doesn't get the hint, be playful but let her know what you're wanting. Resentment is a sure fire way to never get it. Association is key. Association with positive reinforcement leads to positive results. This could be a case of differing approaches. Perhaps this other guy knew the right buttons to push to get her wanting to experiment, and if you approach it the right way, you too can get her to be a little kinkier.

 

Of course, if that fails, or you've tried that already in the past and you've been shutdown, that's not going to do you any good.

 

That's when you can really spiral, because sure, she could have chosen you over him...or maybe...

 

Maybe he was the one who got away, always on the back of her mind. Perhaps he broke up with her, or she chased him for years and just finally gave up and settled for less than him.

 

But maybe not; maybe she does think you're better than him in all ways. Does that help any if she was still willing to do things sexually for him though she'll never do the same for you? What if she did those things because he wouldn't commit to a serious relationship, or because she was trying to stop him from cheating by being more adventurous sexually? Does it matter if you're "better" than the other guy?

 

...and there you are back in the same place.

 

Step outside of your insecurity and consider if she's really faithful to you, if she's happy, if she's caring and loving. Consider the sexting and any other acts outside of discovering she did those things with someone else, and consider if those are things you really want...of course they are...now consider if those are things you really need in a sexual relationship...are they? If you didn't find the e-mails, would you have cared about the acts?

 

If she's faithful, caring and loving, and your sex life was fine before the discovery, then what does it matter that she did these things with someone else if she doesn't want to do them anymore? She may have been more attracted in the moment, but its unlikely she's hanging on to the same feelings now, while with you for so long.

 

Finally, after answering those questions for yourself, communicate about your real desires and listen to her answers. Let her explain why she isn't comfortable with something and consider her feelings. If you feel the need to bring up the e-mails (don't, it's a trap), be sure to make it clear that you are aware that the problem is with your insecurity, and not with her actions...or lack there of in this case. While not extremely likely, it's possible she might be down for something else adventurous but never knew how to communicate that to you.

 

At the end of it all, decide if this past is something you can be okay with, or if it is always going to be a serious point of contention. Either stay and let yourself be happy, or leaving and find happiness. Don't stay miserable.

Edited October 17, 2018 by Exformer

[snowcones]

she also said the she used to send sexual messages but it was like acting.

 

 

Believe her. She was pretending. When it comes to sex, no one says it was acting when it wasn't.

[Baylisstic21]

i think what made me snoop her emails r things she said about her relationship with that ex. she said that relationship was very passionate from the beginning. with us, we fall slowly for each other, with some difficulties along the way (not that their relationship was perfect), partly because we were long distance the first 2 years and only saw each other for a few weeks every 2 months.

 

her comments and other things she said about our relationship being "different" made me insecure, despite all the love she showed me and the passion that we did have sometimes. i wanted to know more about them. i didnt want to be that guy that a woman marry just because he's loving, giving, loyal, sensitive ect. i wanted to be the man that a woman marries also because of how much she's attracted to him physically.the comparative level of physical attraction she had to me and to her ex is what bothers me so much. i know it sounds silly but unfortunately thats how i feel. i wanna know the answer but i'm not gonna ask her because i know that would never lead to a good place.

[Mr. Lucky]

i know it sounds silly but unfortunately thats how i feel. i wanna know the answer but i'm not gonna ask her because i know that would never lead to a good place.

 

So Baylisstic21, your communications and interactions with all the girls you've been with would hold up under a similar inspection by your wife? There's nothing there that would give her a moment's pause if examined years later and out of context?

 

Good grief man, I once wrote (very bad) poetry to a girl I was crazy about , a crime against syntax and grammar I've never repeated. By your standards, were my wife to find out, I'd be in big trouble (and not just because she was an English Lit major).

 

With all due respect, grow up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

OP, I ran into this a couple of years back when I found an old diary of my wife of 22 yrs, in an old file cabinet. It bothered me for a while because it inferred she did things that she hadn't done with me. Of course I brought it up and it caused a one night crises were I learned.

 

1. Don't snoop into old crap that predates your marriage.

2. Most likely your wife is embarrassed for the things she did or said she did with him...she did it to please him...not herself...and is ashamed of herself for d just trying to please a boyfriend.

3. If she really enjoyed it, she would have done it with you.

[viatori patuit]

OP, I ran into this a couple of years back when I found an old diary of my wife of 22 yrs, in an old file cabinet. It bothered me for a while because it inferred she did things that she hadn't done with me. Of course I brought it up and it caused a one night crises were I learned.

 

1. Don't snoop into old crap that predates your marriage.

2. Most likely your wife is embarrassed for the things she did or said she did with him...she did it to please him...not herself...and is ashamed of herself for d just trying to please a boyfriend.

3. If she really enjoyed it, she would have done it with you.

 

This.

 

Learning to live with your spouses boundaries will make your life infinitely better.

 

I would love for my wife to be more sexually engaged and adventurous. Not gonna happen. Your spouse will do what they are comfortable with and nothing more.

 

If it is that big of an issue it’s time to go and find someone who meets your needs better.

[GinON]

I have an idea.

 

Take the 5 love languages test and ask if she would like to as well because you want to maintain a great happy relationship. If she says no, move on, if she seems interested move slow, read the book and find out what you can about her needs that you aren't meeting. If she asks what brought this on tell her you heard it on the radio or something, never mention what you brought up here.

 

You never know, maybe you aren't giving her what she needs and will make your relationship better by focusing on that instead what she did for her ex a long time ago.

 

Best case scenario, she finds out what she can do for you that would make you happier than you dreamed, worst case, you make her happier!