Sidthesloth Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Disclaimer: **(Everyone's definition of sexless Marriage maybe different)** Hello, me and my wife have been married for almost 4 years now and she's 2 years younger than me I'm 27 and she's 25. When we first started dating we loved each other every single day, we would hangout all the time talk all the time and go on dates. On top of all the good things mentioned we had sex not a ridiculous amount but 2 to 4 times in a week. Me being in the military we relocated to Texas, she hates it out here in this specific area we are in. She goes to school full time and has just under a fulltime job. We tell each other we love each other and we do all the little things. But for some reason it's not enough, I haven't had sex in a month and some change. Before that it was 3 weeks. When I bring up and talk about sex she stays quiet as a response to the pressure I put on her when I ask why we don't have sex and if she says something to me its " I don't know" or " can we talk about this some other time. I got stuff I have to do" she uses these lines to escape from the conversation and not talk about what needs arnt being met by the both of us to full fill our relationship. I feel degraded and unwanted as a man in the relationship. I sometimes can't sleep at night because i think I'm losing my wife, this morning I cried for the fith or sixth time driving to work thinking I'm going to be alone and not loved or respected in the relationship. I feel empty.. She doesn't want to talk about anything and doesn't want to put fourth the effort to talk about why she doesn't want to have sex. She has told me she wants to fix this and have a sex full filled relationship. We attended couples counseling but it didn't do anything because we both feel we were going in circles and not getting to the root problem. I have been considering couple counseling with a different person. And individual counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Since she refuses to address the problem, then back off from it completely and act as though you don’t care. I don’t know what’s going on with her but your neediness is making things worse. Go out at night on your own occasionally by yourself or with friends. In other words, give her the impression that she’s going to lose you if things don’t change — and she should be afraid of that because her behavior is completely unacceptable. She has no right to just completely turn off affection without an explanation or trying to fix the problem. If you don’t show her, or just tell her, that what she’s doing is a dealbreaker, then the situation will worsen because she will completely lose respect for you. I don’t mean get in her face and yell at her, or even start an argument. Just simply say that not addressing this and not resolving it is going to destroy the marriage. And, unless you’ve done something to deserve this kind of treatment, you should not just tolerate it or dance around her about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sidthesloth Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 Since she refuses to address the problem, then back off from it completely and act as though you don’t care. I don’t know what’s going on with her but your neediness is making things worse. Go out at night on your own occasionally by yourself or with friends. In other words, give her the impression that she’s going to lose you if things don’t change — and she should be afraid of that because her behavior is completely unacceptable. She has no right to just completely turn off affection without an explanation or trying to fix the problem. I do agree with this..however I have done this before were I completely ignore her and it did nothing. Almost as if she has no sex drive at all. Then it makes her feel as if she wants a divorce instead because I'm not home Link to post Share on other sites
Mrschaney Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Dont ignore her, that will make things worse. Tell her once that if things dont start changing it will damage the marriage. Then spend time out at night- go to movies or something. Make her think you are going on with life without her. If still nothing changes, start talking possible divorce. If that doesn’t change her behavior nothing will. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 She sounds super busy, and maybe exhausted. You may have to actually carve out time/schedule for this as un-sexy as that may be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sidthesloth Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 Dont ignore her, that will make things worse. Tell her once that if things dont start changing it will damage the marriage. Then spend time out at night- go to movies or something. Make her think you are going on with life without her. If still nothing changes, start talking possible divorce. If that doesn’t change her behavior nothing will. So we have talked about divorce and she almost said she wants a divorce but then pulled back and she said she doesn't want a divorce. I'm skeptical about not trying to address the problem just by leaving . I feel though at the same time I am smothering her and putting too much pressure on her making myself clingy and needy. But the other half of that is how do you sound not needy asking for sex because she won't give it to you naturally. And or trying to address the problem without sounding needy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sidthesloth Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 She sounds super busy, and maybe exhausted. You may have to actually carve out time/schedule for this as un-sexy as that may be. We have tried to do that. We're we sit down and say that Sunday is out night and we will do it on that day. It happens one time then the next time I mentioned it was that day and she said yeah ok and then when it came down to it the answer was "I'm too tired" "I'm too full from dinner" "I just wanna go to bed" "can we just wait till next week". I sometimes take her out on a date and we come home and I initiate something and she says no still Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Me being in the military we relocated to Texas, she hates it out here in this specific area we are in. She goes to school full time and has just under a fulltime job Sounds like she is miserable, overworked and exhausted, not at all conducive to sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 OP, This is a tough one. If I were you, first you gotta rule out if she has any physical health issues. Then, make sure she isn't getting sex from somewhere else...a toy, another guy, another girl etc. If that leads nowhere, then you have to do the hard part and find out what has made her un-attracted to you since your marriage. Starting with I sometimes can't sleep at night because i think I'm losing my wife, this morning I cried for the fith or sixth time driving to work thinking I'm going to be alone and not loved or respected in the relationship. Don't tell her that. It reeks of neediness and weakness. I would give it a long college try...at least a year or two. Are you hanging out with the boys too much, too much xbox, drinking too much. After that, make the decision about how much sex is important in your life and if you can live without it. With that being said, steel yourself. If you look at all the other similar sexless marriage posts here, seldom do they have a happy ending. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sidthesloth Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 OP, This is a tough one. If I were you, first you gotta rule out if she has any physical health issues. Then, make sure she isn't getting sex from somewhere else...a toy, another guy, another girl etc. If that leads nowhere, then you have to do the hard part and find out what has made her un-attracted to you since your marriage. Are you hanging out with the boys too much, too much Xbox, drinking too much At one point I wasn't talking to her allot and I was doing my own thing playing video games and ignoring day to day and I didn't think anything was wrong. I was bored allot with nothing to do and instead of turning to my wife I turned to video games and other things. After this, she felt excluded and unimportant and not apart of the relationship. after a while of this and finding the signs and symptoms of her not wanting sex I then realize what I did wrong. When finding what I did wrong I tried to make things better and we started planning sex instead of it just happening. and then trying to talk to her when she just doesn't want to talk so then we turned to couples counseling which turned up in a circle. and then now every time I try to initiate sex she shoots me down hard and I feel degraded and unwanted and my confidence is in the toilet. Just this morning I walked out of the house crying up a storm and this is the first time she saw me do that because the night before I got rejected. mind you she only saw me cry once before. She knows I never cry and if I do it something very serious. she then texted me today when I was at work and while she was at work saying " Babe please don't be sad" I didn't text back at all and I plan on not coming home tonight until really late and ill prob go watch a movie and hang out with some friends. and then sleep on the couch. hopefully, she gets her mind going on all this. I know she will text me and try to call me and ask me where I'm at but I will ignore all of it and keep strong and leave her guessing. I hate playing games, I wish there was a way for me to just talk to her without the silence treatment. I have previously told her that I have needs in the relationship and I even asked her if she thinks that its fair in the relationship to me that we aren't having any sex and she agreed that it was not fair to me that we weren't having sex. To answer your question about if she's cheating and the answer is no in about 92% sure she is not. I went through her phone a long time ago and she said to her best friend that she had a crush on a dude at work but nothing came of it. I found no evidence on her phone or anything. no calls, no text, no pics, no talking about other guys. found a couple messages about how she was in a rut right now in her marriage and how she was thinking twice about it. and how she says she was just saying she loved me just because I'm her husband and shes my wife(this text I am describing happened earlier in the year and things have changed and gotten better from that because of couples counseling and what not we kinda mitigated some things) Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 I never said to ignore her, I said ignore “it” (the white elephant in the room). I’d advise you to stop putting yourself in the position of being rejected. Just stop asking for sex. Sleep on the sofa or another room if you must. Somewhere inside you, you must be angry about being treated this way — well, find that anger and stop crying about this. I’m not saying get angry with her, I’m saying to find your self-respect and realize that how she’s handling this is all wrong. I get it that people sometimes have medical issues, over worked issues, whatever. It’s not so much that she doesn’t want sex as it is how she’s dealing with it. It’s wrong and she needs a wake up call. The other possibility is that she’s cheating on you — a very strong possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Me being in the military we relocated to Texas, she hates it out here in this specific area we are in. She goes to school full time and has just under a fulltime job. I feel degraded and unwanted as a man in the relationship. Sidthesloth, it’s not hard to imagine why your wife is not interested in having sex these days. I can well imagine that it has less to do with you and more to do with the fact that he’s is overwhelmed, exhausted, socially isolated, and unhappy. Fix these things, if you can, and you may find that her interest in sex is improved. This is just my opinion, but continue to pressure her, place additional demands on her, and make this “all about you and how unwanted you feel as a man” at your own peril... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 At one point I wasn't talking to her allot and I was doing my own thing playing video games and ignoring day to day and I didn't think anything was wrong. I was bored allot with nothing to do and instead of turning to my wife I turned to video games and other things. After this, she felt excluded and unimportant and not apart of the relationship.... ...She knows I never cry and if I do it something very serious. she then texted me today when I was at work and while she was at work saying " Babe please don't be sad" I didn't text back at all and I plan on not coming home tonight until really late and ill prob go watch a movie and hang out with some friends. and then sleep on the couch. hopefully, she gets her mind going on all this. I know she will text me and try to call me and ask me where I'm at but I will ignore all of it and keep strong and leave her guessing. This is horrible stuff, you are lucky she still even talks to you without having sex with you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sidthesloth Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 Sidthesloth, it’s not hard to imagine why your wife is not interested in having sex these days. I can well imagine that it has less to do with you and more to do with the fact that he’s is overwhelmed, exhausted, socially isolated, and unhappy. Fix these things, if you can, and you may find that her interest in sex is improved. This is just my opinion, but continue to pressure her, place additional demands on her, and make this “all about you and how unwanted you feel as a man” at your own peril... I think you nailed it on the head Baily thank you Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 I think you nailed it on the head Baily thank you They are actually your words... My suggestion, have a conversation with her about how you can ease the burden, carve out some time and space for her to relax, and reconnect - things may improve. Although I can appreciate your frustration, further to Elaine’s post, throw temper tantrums, withdraw your affection, stay out late and make her worrry/wonder where you are and what you are doing, and blame her for making you feel “less the man” - it’s unlikely that it will do anything to improve the situation... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrschaney Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 As a woman with a healthy sexual appetite I cant understand not wanting sex or intimacy. I feel you have a selfish wife who knows how upset you are, but doesnt care enough to try to solve the problem. The crush on the the co-worker tells me you have more of a problem than a wife who doesnt want sex. Dont spend your life on a selfish person who doesnt care about your happiness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Going to school full time and having an almost full time job on top of that is A LOT. Plus she doesn’t like where you all are living. I don’t know what to tell you, but that is a lot to handle. I probably wouldn’t be into sex that much either if I were in her shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 I plan on not coming home tonight until really late and ill prob go watch a movie and hang out with some friends. and then sleep on the couch. hopefully, she gets her mind going on all this. I know she will text me and try to call me and ask me where I'm at but I will ignore all of it and keep strong and leave her guessing. 100% the wrong approach. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Hi Sid, have you considered the possibility that the two of you are completely incompatible? What is the point of going around in circles when it is clear that your wife has lost interest in the marriage and you a while ago and is just continuing with it by being in limbo. Both of you are young and can find happiness with others. Sometimes trying to rectify something which refuses to get rectified is just a waste of time for you and for her. If your wife could have a crush on someone else while being married to you gives an indication that the problem is not with you but with her. It is not that she is bereft of being capable of loving someone. It just indicates that she does not love you or does not love you enough to make sacrifices for you or to interact with you romantically. As the saying goes in the Stock Market, "Cut your losses" and move on to the next relationship. Your wife is now 25 y/o and you've been married for four years. That means she was just 21 y/o when you married her and you were 23. She may still have been developing into the person she will finally become. This growing up and developing may have changed her from the immature woman you married four years ago and as time goes by she is likely to change further. As I said it is apparent that you two are incompatible and this incompatibility is likely to widen as time goes on. Fact is four years is not a very long time to have been together and your history together is very nascent. If you leave today then ten years later this relationship will be something like a half forgotten memory something like a relationship that you may have had with casual girl friends while in school. Just think about it. How much of yourself do you want to invest in a relationship which is providing you with diminishing returns? Get out of it while the going is good. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 If I were your wife and you were treating me like this, I'd be uninterested too. Your wife is working almost full time, going to school full time, has just moved to a new area and is very unhappy. What you have done ( unintentionally...I can tell you love your wife to death and wouldn't hurt her on purpose) is made sex a chore for her...something else she has to do. Talking to her is really important, but it's going to take time. You can't just open the conversation with " why don't you want to have sex?" . She may not know the answer to that herself, so how can she give you an answer? In all honesty, in your wife's shoes, I would be feeling very unloved right now with all the ignoring you've been doing. I know that's the exact opposite of what you want, but it could well be the end result. Add to all of this that your wife is a military spouse, getting dragged all over hell's half acre. I've been there man times myself. One just gets settled in and then it's time to pick up and go again. It can be really easy to build up resentment in that situation, unfair as that may be. Have you considered seeking counseling through your work? A counseling that works with military families understand the lifestyle and the pressures it can bring. I do hope you two are able to find your way. You sound like a nice guy who really does love his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sidthesloth Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 100% the wrong approach. So I went home last night and I didn't stay out. I went to go talk to her too put everything on the table . I confronted her about the crush on the other guy that I found on her phone. she clarified didn't cheat on me it was only a conversation she had with a friend about how she thought he was attractive and didn't go any futher than that. We then talked and i asked a series of questions to her and she started crying. She said she doesn't want a divorce and she wants to fight for our marriage because she thinks it could work. I said ok I then told her that we will go do couples therapy and work on that and if it's a dead end we can make a decision. We both agreed to change our hobbies and change our spare time into spending more time together. She and I both agree if we do this it will rekindle everything. Let me make it clear that she has expressed that she is willing to fix herself and she doesn't want to leave. However there are things I do that I also need to fix. I do believe she has lost some interest in me but she has expressed she is willing to fix that. I think now we will work on couples therapy and trying to meet our needs to rebuild our intamacy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sidthesloth Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 If I were your wife and you were treating me like this, I'd be uninterested too. Your wife is working almost full time, going to school full time, has just moved to a new area and is very unhappy. What you have done ( unintentionally...I can tell you love your wife to death and wouldn't hurt her on purpose) is made sex a chore for her...something else she has to do. Talking to her is really important, but it's going to take time. You can't just open the conversation with " why don't you want to have sex?" . She may not know the answer to that herself, so how can she give you an answer? In all honesty, in your wife's shoes, I would be feeling very unloved right now with all the ignoring you've been doing. I know that's the exact opposite of what you want, but it could well be the end result. Add to all of this that your wife is a military spouse, getting dragged all over hell's half acre. I've been there man times myself. One just gets settled in and then it's time to pick up and go again. It can be really easy to build up resentment in that situation, unfair as that may be. Have you considered seeking counseling through your work? A counseling that works with military families understand the lifestyle and the pressures it can bring. I do hope you two are able to find your way. You sound like a nice guy who really does love his wife. Thank you! We are trying to seek counseling and have a appointment set up ... I posted a response above ...she also was in the military and I plan on getting out of the military to be with her more. We agreed to start doing more things together and she wants me to hangout with her more. We agreed to get up early together everyday and workout everyday I also am bringing her lunch today and she wants to eat lunch together. Im trying to do all this without being clingy FYI 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 So I went home last night and I didn't stay out. I went to go talk to her too put everything on the table . I confronted her about the crush on the other guy that I found on her phone. she clarified didn't cheat on me it was only a conversation she had with a friend about how she thought he was attractive and didn't go any futher than that. We then talked and i asked a series of questions to her and she started crying. She said she doesn't want a divorce and she wants to fight for our marriage because she thinks it could work. I said ok I then told her that we will go do couples therapy and work on that and if it's a dead end we can make a decision. We both agreed to change our hobbies and change our spare time into spending more time together. She and I both agree if we do this it will rekindle everything. Let me make it clear that she has expressed that she is willing to fix herself and she doesn't want to leave. However there are things I do that I also need to fix. I do believe she has lost some interest in me but she has expressed she is willing to fix that. I think now we will work on couples therapy and trying to meet our needs to rebuild our intamacy A much more mature and sensible approach. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 They are actually your words... My suggestion, have a conversation with her about how you can ease the burden, carve out some time and space for her to relax, and reconnect - things may improve. Although I can appreciate your frustration, further to Elaine’s post, throw temper tantrums, withdraw your affection, stay out late and make her worrry/wonder where you are and what you are doing, and blame her for making you feel “less the man” - it’s unlikely that it will do anything to improve the situation... Exactly. It's a form of manipulation, and it can easily backfire. op, consider putting yourself in her shoes. She's tired, overworked, living in a place she doesn't like. The one "rock" in her life (you) starts acting like BaileyB describes, and the downward spiral will progress even faster. Is there any way that the two of you can get away for a few days, even if it's just for weekend? If you can, that might be really helpful. There are even programs that offer low cost "mini-vacations" for military members. If you can do it, spend that time getting to know one another all over again. Also, if you're living on a base, there may be "welcome" and other programs for spouses. If those are on offer, encourage her to participate. Some are just workshops and others are longer term, but they can all be helpful. It will also help her to meet new women who can relate to her experiences. It was one thing i would always do once we got settled in for a new posting. I was a "military spouse" for more years than I are to think about, and I learned a few things along the way. When we arrived at a new base I'd go into the MFRC ( military family resource centre) and sign up to volunteer or for some programming. It really did make a difference. I know this may all sound like it is unrelated to your issue, but for many women, if they are feeling upset, stressed or sad, sex may not be on the table. That doesn't mean it's okay for you to be miserable though. This issue needs to be sorted, but based on your words, I think the root case of all of this isn't per se you or even the sex itself. Does she understand how bad you feel when she rejects you? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Thank you! We are trying to seek counseling and have a appointment set up ... I posted a response above ...she also was in the military and I plan on getting out of the military to be with her more. We agreed to start doing more things together and she wants me to hangout with her more. We agreed to get up early together everyday and workout everyday I also am bringing her lunch today and she wants to eat lunch together. Im trying to do all this without being clingy FYI Just speaking of myself, I wouldn't find that clingy. To me, those would indicate that my husband loves me very much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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