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Issues with wife - need some understanding


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Hi.

 

without going into too much detail, my wife of almost 2 years and I are going through yet another tough time. This time round, she is going way way overboard and overreacting and overexaggerating.

I am a person that keeps cool and composed when things go wrong or when she shouts at me and puts me down. I don't know why she does this but she things I am cheating or talking to other people when I am not at all. It's something I don't believe in nor ever done, and I have had it done to me many times before.

 

To cut the long story short, she is making things awkward and difficult, is not really "there", does not engage in things much (for the past month).

 

We are seeing a marriage counsellor/therapist and have had 2 sessions so far but in both, she is the only one that says a lot and I barely get anything in.

 

I believe in improving yourself for the better especially via constructive criticism and reflection. I work a lot, have 2 businesses but work from home 99% of the time.

 

at times, things get too much for me (because she shouts at me and puts me down) and I walk out... because there is no talking to her. I do this to keep the cool if possible and the peace even if she does not like it. There is nothing worse than staying in that atmosphere/mode.

 

This has had a big impact of me in the last month. Lost a customer because I cannot focus, thus losing income. Losing my mental and emotional state of mind. She does not want to talk much. She has packed up almost all her stuff about 3 weeks ago and we were almost about to get a divorce but that is now put on hold however I know that she is indeed abusive towards me (aggressive, her words, the things she says and does) but I am a fighter and believer.

 

I am more of an emotional person (the "feely" kind) and say my inner most thoughts. I am very self-aware and know the signs of body language and reactions. She unfortunately is not quite like that.

 

I just don't know what to do. I even ask her, does she have anything for me... and empty response, like with most questions I ask.

 

I don't believe in wasting time - life is too short and I would rather be practical and spend as much time with one than not.

She has been married before, a long time ago, and also was engaged too. But I don't think that has anything to do with this.

She keeps turning things around on me and being "projective". Saying things like "it's all about you huh?" - actually, it never is. It's always about her, I put her first and I really don't care about myself. I never have done really.

 

I just need to know where she is for my sake. I feel like I am being pulled and told what to do and I am REALLY trying to make it right but it cannot ALL be done by myself. She needs to contribute but she really does make it difficult.

 

I do pay for everything. I am happy to. She does work but she, yet again, has quit her job. Then when I asked her "do you want me to support you again darling? I just want to know because I don't want to take away your independence or anything" (words to that effect), she snaps at me. "What kind of stupid question is that?" and yells.

 

I am an emotional mess. Cannot even put a smile on her face and our anniversary is next week. I feel stupid for buying things for her. I just don't know what to do, what to ask... I just don't. I feel like I am being played and to be made a fool for something I have not even done. IT really is tormenting. I cannot say anything right, cannot do anything right - damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

Her communication is awful, very sketchy. Always speaks to me in a very terse manner, very rude. I just... I am lost.

 

She also stole 10K of my money about 3-4 weeks ago from my account and said she has no problem returning it but she has not to date. And I wont bring it up either. That was for my business taxes.

Edited by ai_hawk
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You've painted a dreadful picture of your wife. For the life of me, I can't work out why you don't just leave. So perhaps it would help if you told us why you've stayed. Is it that you're lacking in the courage to leave or because it's really not that bad?

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sorry for having to paint a "dreadful" picture of her, I don't mean to and I HATE talking bad about people but this is what it is. And it's putting it nicely.

 

 

I guess I am committed and devoted. I have seen good sides of her for sure and that's what I love and miss but for the past month, it has been nothing but doom and gloom and everything.

 

 

I don't want to let her down or even let me down. Marriage is indeed very important to me and want it to last and bloom - through ups and downs.

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There's a huge difference in being committed/devoted and letting yourself be walked on.

 

 

It's a shame she doesn't feel the same way.

 

You need to download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF it's short.

 

 

That Calvary isn't coming. You can control yourself and your life. The only one keeping you in this is you.

 

Right now you are your own worst enemy.

 

Good luck

Edited by Marc878
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Hi.

 

without going into too much detail, my wife of almost 2 years and I are going through yet another tough time. This time round, she is going way way overboard and overreacting and overexaggerating.

I am a person that keeps cool and composed when things go wrong or when she shouts at me and puts me down. I don't know why she does this but she things I am cheating or talking to other people when I am not at all. It's something I don't believe in nor ever done, and I have had it done to me many times before.

 

In my experience, relationships where one partner is a saint and the other responsible for all the problems are pretty rare.

 

Why does she think you might be cheating on her?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm not sure what to say really. Honestly, I have not done anything wrong. Have not seen or spoken to any other woman unless it's on a professional basis.

 

 

But she really is this type of person it seems - just always scolding me, laying into me for something out of nothing. And it takes ALOT to push my buttons and she does hit them.

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I'm not sure what to say really. Honestly, I have not done anything wrong. Have not seen or spoken to any other woman unless it's on a professional basis.

 

 

But she really is this type of person it seems - just always scolding me, laying into me for something out of nothing. And it takes ALOT to push my buttons and she does hit them.

 

Which brings us back to why you stay.

 

Thing is, being prepared to find the backbone to walk away is probably the only choice you have left.

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Springsummer

Wow.....your wife sounds like my mother to my father. In her eyes, my father has never done anything right. she is very critical, tense and can't stop nagging and being negative in everything. She constantly accused my father being selfish. They are in their 70s now. man, at such age, life should be peaceful and enjoy it as best as you can.

 

Actually my father has a lot to admire for. very few people can get into university in my father's time and place. but my mom only see glass half empty.

 

Frankly, a man can never be successful and happy in such environment, no matter what's his potential. Can you imagine what it does to a person? it kills all his potentials. It's ironic, you want someone to be successful, but what you do to that person makes sure he won't be successful.

 

you can't change a person.

 

A wise and strong man will pick a gentle, supportive, independent and loving woman.

 

The only damage control you can do now is to get a divorce, ASAP.

Edited by Springsummer
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Springsummer

Of course, there are maybe things about a man or somethings he does that made his partner deeply unhappy inside.

 

so I don't want to judge...

 

a woman that's very difficult with one man can become very smooth with another man, I suppose? I guess it's interpersonal compatibility. some people can bring out the worse in you while some can bring out the best in you.

 

You bring out the worse of each other and I don't think it's something that can be changed.

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Sorry, but if she is being scornful and unpleasant like that, I think you can be sure this relationship is over. It is extremely hard to give up on a marriage I know. The unknown feels very scary, but the relationship you have now does not sound worth 'fighting' for. There are few signs here that she loves you and scorn and sarcasm are not good signs. You deserve so much better.

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Thank you.

 

indeed. it's tough and does not need to be. For example, all she has been doing today is being in bed (oh - another bed I bought because she cannot be assed to get her bed back out from storage, or most of her clothes and items we need in the apartment)… playing games on her cell and watching TV on a make shift platform until I get another TV to be installed in the bedroom because she took hers down....

 

All I said just now was that we should spend quality time later together. She turns around in a huffy puffy way saying "What aren't we doing now that isn't quality?".... really?

 

jeez. I hate her being like this or even seeing her like this but... this is just not fair or right.

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I'm not sure what to say really. Honestly, I have not done anything wrong. Have not seen or spoken to any other woman unless it's on a professional basis.

 

 

But she really is this type of person it seems - just always scolding me, laying into me for something out of nothing. And it takes ALOT to push my buttons and she does hit them.

 

And yet you married her less than two years ago. What made her marriage material?

 

Mr. Lucky

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a few things. Our faith/devout in terms of religion.

She was nice and understanding, "got it" and how the world/society is today in terms of moral and ethical corruption.

Our interests, hobbies etc...

 

but above all, just seemed genuine and with it, and not a player or a game player.

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Indeed.

But, I still need practical advice, whatever means I can do to "crack" this "tough nut".

 

ATM, she just doesn't want to talk about anything heavy but it is important and should be a priority. I am not the one to rush but still, need to know the direction as it also does affect some of my own personal situation plans too.

 

Everything I say, she turns it around on me.

 

it's like I told her, kindly (as i always do even when she is shouting) that when she says things to me, it is hostile and terse and the tone is just awful. There are ways of saying and doing things.... so make the effort, the change or whatever.

 

I feel at a loss. It's awkward sleeping next to her. But it's a bed. It's like she will intentionally try to get me wound up inside so she can leave or make some other attack on me.

 

Sorry. I hate talking about her like this but it is what it is and I will always put my hand up if I am wrong in something.

 

Just want her to talk and cheer up a little and move forward together with each other in a positive way.

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I'm affraid talk won't get you much. I suspect she's learned how she can treat you and your actions or lack of tell her you'll just take it.

 

She may be horrible but so far you're accepting it.

 

Living on hopium that she'll be what you envision her to be I don't think will get you much.

 

This maybe who she really is and you hoping she'll "get it" seems to me that you aren't "getting it".

 

You can't fix her or make her do a thing. She would have to do that

Edited by Marc878
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Million.to.1

hi ai_hawk.

 

I hear your desire to want to make communication between you better.

 

It will be a tough battle.

 

I'm recently out of a 6 relationship (also in my late 30's) with someone who has a very hostile and abrasive way of communicating. it really wore me down. I like to talk through issues and find resolution and I don't like being called names, sworn at, or have cruel things said to me.

I felt like he never listened to my point of view, or wanted to... just hated me talking. His frustration was so apparent and he was nasty when he was angry.

 

I tried many many many times to try to make him understand that his method of communicating his frustrations was counter productive and unnecessarily hostile, but it always fell on deaf ears.

 

The examples you gave here are very similar in tone to how my ex would talk.

Trust me, she won't change.

 

It wasn't until friends, family and other people all echoed it back to me that I realised he is just like that with everyone.

And I guess that i finally realised that it doesn't bring out the best in me either. Beside all the good things we share in common, how we as a couple communicate when in conflict, is REALLY important.

this is the stuff that erodes all the good over time.

 

seek MC pronto or it will continue.

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thank you. We are doing MC (3rd session coming up) but she just always lays into me there and I barely get a say in anything.

 

 

 

 

Barely have sex now and when we did, she did nothing but just laid there. its like wtf?

 

 

 

 

And today she kept going on about needing a moment - from what? I didn't say or do much except hug her/kiss her and even asked if that's ok and she said yes.

 

 

then she said earlier she needs a break. like why? What?

 

 

Earlier she exaggerated and said that I was "going bent" over not having some ingredients for making dinner (chicken - that she left out to defrost) but all I wanted was to make a nice meal for us and not something "basic"... its like really, bent out of shape? I was not!! I was just upset at myself or at least she could have told me "we don't have that..." then I could have made a trip to the grocery store.

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Hi Hawk, the way you have written it is apparent that you are a weak person who cannot stand firm on what he believes to be true. You appear to be a cringing kind of a guy. You cringe from everything that your wife does. As somebody mentioned you have to have a backbone otherwise your wife will roast you over a spit. She rides rough shod and you meekly accept it. You sound as if you lack that thing called the manly coefficient. If you've heard the song 'Coward of the county' sung by Kenny Rogers you'll know what I mean but old Yeller finally found his mojo when his girl was molested and taught the guys who did it a lesson they never forgot. That is what you have to do. Art present your union is completely unequal and your wife is the school marm who, when she cracks her whip, can make you dance to any tune that she wants you to. If you want to stay in this marriage then you have to assert yourself else just get out of it. You do not owe loyalty to your wife if she does NOT treat you as a husband. Think about it.

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Thanks.

 

Well I have tried being stronger/tougher but that didn't work and she just argues louder/harder. I just don't get it. The only thing now she is saying is if I have heard from my attorney (she wanted me to write an email to them, in her words (then she had an attitude problem half way through!)) about putting the divorce on hold/closing the case. But I feel there is something more to it than that from her side.

 

I can't touch her or hold her. she doesn't engage. I'm "too much" and I know I am not at all.

 

Even if I did sign the papers, she is still going to be in the apartment and I don't want that. So she will continue to smooch off of me yet argue with "it would be the same if you were living here on your own".

 

things like that just... urgh. She deliberately and intentionally is shutting everything down. And nothing I can do.

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Hi Hawk, you can do plenty if you change from passive mode to proactive mode. Are you on the road to divorce? What is this about your wife dictating to you about filing for divorce? I thought you were the aggrieved party and would file because of your own convictions, not because she dictated that you do. Why does she want to divorce you when she is on a free lunch trip with you? Something is just not adding up here!. Would you care to clarify?

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