Jump to content

Pregnancy before Marriage


Recommended Posts

So whats your take on bringing a child into the world, before a couple is gelled with regards to being a solid couple.

 

I just found out that my younger cousin is pregnant and she is not married to the father. I know that not all relationships are perfect, but just looking around me and couples I know. Its like a pregnancy before marriage is almost a lock for the parents of the child to not be together for life.

 

Why is it that it seems to me. A lot of women are ok with this situation. Yet the Men are not really trying for this as a whole.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What's my take? I completely understand not wanting to terminate a unexpected pregnancy. Accidents happen...so what's your solution to the problem?

Link to post
Share on other sites
What's my take? I completely understand not wanting to terminate a unexpected pregnancy. Accidents happen...so what's your solution to the problem?

 

Certainly happens. But to me, the bigger issue is couples choosing to have kids together yet unsure if their partner is a preferable marital candidate. It's as though they don't accept parenthood as a commitment on the same level as marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Certainly happens. But to me, the bigger issue is couples choosing to have kids together yet unsure if their partner is a preferable marital candidate. It's as though they don't accept parenthood as a commitment on the same level as marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not that marriage is any kind of commitment...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Not that marriage is any kind of commitment...

 

Going to assume you're being somewhat sarcastic. Certainly, many marriages end in divorce. But there is substantial statistical support for matrimony being a positive influence on children's environments...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Going to assume you're being somewhat sarcastic. Certainly, many marriages end in divorce. But there is substantial statistical support for matrimony being a positive influence on children's environments...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No not sarcastic. You've only got a read a lot of these threads and you'll see people leaving marriages with kids for all sorts of selfish reasons. When reading lately, I've been wondering why people even bother.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
You've only got a read a lot of these threads and you'll see people leaving marriages with kids for all sorts of selfish reasons.

 

And yet non-married people leave relationships with kids at an even greater frequency. And often without much worry about their ongoing responsibilities to the kids. The greatest predictor of childhood poverty is single parenthood. Lots of ways to get there, but not marrying your child's other parent is #1...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
And yet non-married people leave relationships with kids at an even greater frequency. And often without much worry about their ongoing responsibilities to the kids. The greatest predictor of childhood poverty is single parenthood. Lots of ways to get there, but not marrying your child's other parent is #1...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I've been married without kids and unmarried with kids. From personal perspective, the children are a far greater tie to my defacto partner than a marriage certificate was to my ex-h. It's not just about me anymore. If my daughter found herself pregnant and decided to keep the child, I'd do everything in my power to make sure she finished Uni and got a good job. Don't under estimate a good support system.

Edited by basil67
Link to post
Share on other sites
So whats your take on bringing a child into the world, before a couple is gelled with regards to being a solid couple.

 

I just found out that my younger cousin is pregnant and she is not married to the father. I know that not all relationships are perfect, but just looking around me and couples I know. Its like a pregnancy before marriage is almost a lock for the parents of the child to not be together for life.

 

Why is it that it seems to me. A lot of women are ok with this situation. Yet the Men are not really trying for this as a whole.

 

Going back to the original question..... Mysterio, when there is an unexpected pregnancy for a couple which isn't secure, what do you think is the answer here? As far as I can see, there are only four options:

 

1. encourage the woman to terminate

2. shotgun marriage and cross fingers (not a solid couple)

3. defacto partnership and cross fingers (not a solid couple)

4. raise the child with one parent (not a solid couple)

 

It's all well and good to grumble about having a child without secure parents, but when the only other option is abortion, then it's a moot point really.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
As far as I can see, there are only four options:

 

1. encourage the woman to terminate

2. shotgun marriage and cross fingers (not a solid couple)

3. defacto partnership and cross fingers (not a solid couple)

4. raise the child with one parent (not a solid couple)

 

 

Wow basil67, so cynical from someone normally so positive. Isn't there at least the possibility of a 5th option?

 

5. the parents commit to the child and each other and develop a solid relationship - and marriage - to provide a healthy and stable environment for their growing family.

 

Could happen, right :) ?

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It appears to be increasingly socially acceptable, at least compared to when I was young, I'll spare the pejorative descriptions. Nearly half my tenants over the years had kids and weren't married and the first, when after ten years together and three children, decided to get married they let me know and, while I was shocked they weren't married, was so glad they were good tenants I gave them a month's free rent as a wedding gift.

 

Nowadays women often retain their maiden/prior married surname when married and I stopped asking the marital question 20-some years ago on rental applications.

 

I've seen so many marriages go sideways and kids used as weapons that hey if someone has kids and doesn't marry fine by me. Take care of the kids. Life is unpredictable. No one knows the future.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I have seen so many situations where a couple was 'sort-of together' but hadn't fully committed and then all of a sudden she's pregnant and there's a big rush to get married.

 

 

Some lasted, some didn't, but it's amazing how after years together suddenly there's an 'oops baby'.:rolleyes:

 

 

Just an observation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow basil67, so cynical from someone normally so positive. Isn't there at least the possibility of a 5th option?

 

5. the parents commit to the child and each other and develop a solid relationship - and marriage - to provide a healthy and stable environment for their growing family.

 

Could happen, right :) ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Unless I'm mistaken, Mysterio's question specifically related to parents who haven't yet solidified the relationship when they fall pregnant. I think a lot of those parents do try to commit to each other, but committing for the sake of the child is different to committing simply because they want to.

 

My partner and I have the relationship you describe, but we were solid before we got pregnant.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

My baby cousin is 32 turning 33 soon. She is pregnant. She is with her BF. They are expecting.

 

Her older sister had the same thing happen. They have a BF and soon they get pregnant, but its not planned. Her sister took 5 yrs to marry the father. My little cousin was not planning this. Most she was going to do was finish up some dance course.

 

I just see this pattern of unplanned pregnancy not resulting in a planned wedding/being together for life.

 

I guess technically it does not matter to me, but never see those resulting in a lasting intact family when the child is out of wedlock. My cousin is professional dancer who was looking at retiring and I don't think this pregnancy was planned.

 

 

My friends that have been married and planned for the kids. They are still together. I don't know one couple that got pregnant before marriage that stayed together.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's their business but that is why when I was single I took pride in using protection. I never wanted to be and still never want to be a baby daddy and I never want a baby mama. All you can do is worry about your own life.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

My friends that have been married and planned for the kids. They are still together. I don't know one couple that got pregnant before marriage that stayed together.

 

I know many couples who got married, had kids and then broke up. And I know many couples who had planned children in their defacto relationship who are still together.

 

My defacto relationship has out lasted many marriages I've seen.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I guess I feel like our society nurtures/supports marriage than cohab relationships. In my neck of the woods. The break ups are like this.

 

Getting pregnant before marriage. The couple breaks up.

 

Married super young early 20's. The couple breaks up.

 

 

 

Close to being safe with no break up. Married late 20's plus.

 

If I want to get married and have a child. My best bet is to date/be a couple for 2 yrs. engaged/married in yr 3 and a child in yr 4 or 5, to just be stable for life. Also both of us have to be closer to 27 +. So I would do better with a 37 yr old than say 27.

 

As is stands right now being 47. My timeline would be meeting a woman younger than me. We are together 2 yr and in yr 3 married. 4 with one child and I make it through life and go to heaven between 87-97.

 

I know I have my timeline.

Edited by Mysterio
Link to post
Share on other sites

It is what it is. Many of these people are walking endorsements of birth control and abortion if you ask me but there is nothing you can do about it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 16 years. They have two kids. They are together longer then my parents were married. So I don't think marriage necessarily equals commitment. It's more likely the couple wasn't compatible in the first place then not being married.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess I feel like our society nurtures/supports marriage than cohab relationships. In my neck of the woods. The break ups are like this.

 

Getting pregnant before marriage. The couple breaks up.

 

Married super young early 20's. The couple breaks up.

 

 

 

Close to being safe with no break up. Married late 20's plus.

 

If I want to get married and have a child. My best bet is to date/be a couple for 2 yrs. engaged/married in yr 3 and a child in yr 4 or 5, to just be stable for life. Also both of us have to be closer to 27 +. So I would do better with a 37 yr old than say 27.

 

As is stands right now being 47. My timeline would be meeting a woman younger than me. We are together 2 yr and in yr 3 married. 4 with one child and I make it through life and go to heaven between 87-97.

 

I know I have my timeline.

 

I mean, sometimes life does not work out according to a perfect plan and timeline.

 

Sometimes you get pregnant by accident, sometimes you want to have a child more than you actually want to be married.

 

Personally, I love being a mom. But I have no interest whatsoever in being anyone's wife. That's just me, I realize there are people who think differently.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

My thoughts on my cousin is that I want the best for her. I also am looking at ways for myself not to wind up in un ideal circumstances.

 

My post to me is looking at patterns and I see them clearly as I get older. For the most part. Anything that is too rushed. Falls apart. Not planned well falls apart. Maybe even going way to slow. Also falls apart.

 

I think that if my cousin does not get solid with this guy. At least try a live together with a marriage and focal point of a LTR with him. She will end up as a single mother and it does not have to be that way.

 

Those are the couples that to my eyes fall apart. The ones that have kids out of wedlock and non planned life for the future. All the couples I know that planned/mapped things out. They are solid for the most part. I can' think of a of a couple that took their time with each other. Built up their lives with each other. It all went south one day.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My thoughts on my cousin is that I want the best for her. I also am looking at ways for myself not to wind up in un ideal circumstances.

 

My post to me is looking at patterns and I see them clearly as I get older. For the most part. Anything that is too rushed. Falls apart. Not planned well falls apart. Maybe even going way to slow. Also falls apart.

 

 

I mean...my pregnancy was neither planned nor ideal. The relationship with the father almost immediately fell apart.

 

However, that does not mean that my life fell apart. I have a fulfilling, normal, happy life as a single mother.

 

I have to say - it's not really your business how your cousin decided to live her life. She's a grown woman with different values, goals and desires. If she decided that this is the path for her, she's entitled to that decision. If her relationship falls apart, it falls apart . I'm sure she's aware of this possibility.

 

I doubt she'll ever regret her child even if it doesn't work out with the father.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What's my take? I completely understand not wanting to terminate a unexpected pregnancy. Accidents happen...so what's your solution to the problem?

 

I imagine abstinence before marriage perhaps? Wouldn't hurt and they'd probably end up happier.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I imagine abstinence before marriage perhaps? Wouldn't hurt and they'd probably end up happier.

 

That is unrealistic. Abortion and birth control are better options.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If I want to get married and have a child. My best bet is to date/be a couple for 2 yrs. engaged/married in yr 3 and a child in yr 4 or 5, to just be stable for life. Also both of us have to be closer to 27 +. So I would do better with a 37 yr old than say 27.

 

As is stands right now being 47. My timeline would be meeting a woman younger than me. We are together 2 yr and in yr 3 married. 4 with one child and I make it through life and go to heaven between 87-97.

 

I know I have my timeline.

 

And your timeline hasn't factored in that your 37yo future wife will most likely be infertile by the time you get to the end of your timeline. It also hasn't factored in that children don't arrive on demand for older mothers. And there's the rather large issues that (to my knowledge) you don't yet have a long term girlfriend anyway.

 

Unless you find a 30 year old who wants to marry a guy who's nearly 50 (unlikely), you will not have children unless you revise your approach. Of course, that doesn't mean you can't have a happy, childless marriage.

Edited by basil67
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...