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Reconciling


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I decided to close my previous thread because it didn't really fit in context of where I am now. Here is a link for anyone who wishes to read it.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/656506-i-keep-cheating-but-my-husband-doesn-t-want-divorce

 

Right now I have decided to give my marriage another shot. He wants it and I have gotten to a place where I had taken my head out of my ass and I am ready to really commit.

 

It's been rough. His family hates me and all my bad choices have come back to bite me. My sister in law told me to my face that she didn't know what my husband saw in me. That she and the rest of the family tolerated me because I was the one he chose to be with, but now the gloves are off. She thinks I trapped my husband into marrying me.

 

I accept they don't like me. I accept that going forward I'll have to avoid my in-laws and the times I can't then I'll have to endure the awkward uncomfortable encounters. I don't expect their forgiveness as my husband had forgiven me for my years of cheating over and over and over again.

 

My husband continues to be there for me during our separation. My ex-boyfriend who I had broken up with when I started dating my husband resurfaced. He lives a few blocks from me. That has set me back. He knows where I live, and he keeps showing up and parking across from my apartment complex. My husband did go up to him and asked him if he needed anything. My plan was to stay separated until the end of my lease but I'm strongly considering moving back in with my husband early. My husband keeps driving by at random times to see if he can catch him in the act. I haven't actually spoken to him, just made eye contact once or twice. He scares me.

 

In the meantime, I had been transparent. I've taken the advice given here and advice given by my counsellors very seriously. I've been transparent and I've been open with my husband. He won't admit it, but I see him more relaxed, calmer and he smiles a lot more than he has in the past four/five months.

 

We talk every day, try to see each other in person a few times a week. He told me he doesn't want to continue staying separated, but when I explain to him I needed to live independently, to prove to my inner critic, my inner self-worth that I can live on my own, that I can live without needing a man. He at first was kind of miffed by this explanation at first. But I told him, I wanted to be his equal, not the wife he has to support, the wife that can't support herself if something were to happen. I wanted to feel like I had something to contribute. I may not make as much money like him but that I added value. It's hard to explain, but he finally understood my reasonings.

Edited by TheRainbow
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What does the ex-bf want? Can you not put a restraining order against him?

 

Unfortunately not. I went to the police to find out what I could do. Since I haven't actually talked to him, he hasn't threatened me or my family, and he is only on public property there isn't anything I could really do. They could talk to him, but if he lives in the area (which he does because my husband found out where he lives) him parking across from my apartment could be a coincidence. But I know it isn't. He only started coming around. I just want him to stay away. Just looking at him makes me drown in unwanted self-doubt. My only option really is to either move or deal with it.

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What is the doubt you feel? How you will react or interact with him? That you will want him? Or that he will harm you?

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What is the doubt you feel? How you will react or interact with him? That you will want him? Or that he will harm you?

 

I dated him when I was a teenager. He used to push me around and got me into stripping. I just think he wants to intimidate me because he was pissed I left him for my husband. When I left the gravy train stopped. He didn't work and when he did work it was labour work which wasn't stable. He did harass me for months after our break up and it eventually diminished. All contact stopped after I got engaged and we moved.

Edited by TheRainbow
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That is a scary thing to just deal with. Do you feel confident enough in yourself now as a more capable self sufficient woman to go ahead and end your separation?

 

Dealing with an ex like that isn't just about proving something to yourself. I do understand the rest of your sentiment about wanting to prove to yourself that you are changing and becoming a better person. But he just sounds dangerous.

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That is a scary thing to just deal with. Do you feel confident enough in yourself now as a more capable self sufficient woman to go ahead and end your separation?

 

Dealing with an ex like that isn't just about proving something to yourself. I do understand the rest of your sentiment about wanting to prove to yourself that you are changing and becoming a better person. But he just sounds dangerous.

 

My parents were very concerned for my safety while I dated him. I put them through a lot. My mom was so relieved when I broke up with him and moved back home before I moved in with my husband. I honestly think I need more time apart, but from a safety point of view my plan may need to change, and I'll have to navigate through my feelings and issues while establishing healthy boundaries for myself and our marriage. I do miss seeing my kids every day too.

Edited by TheRainbow
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Hi Rainbow, are you attending /still attending IC? I think you have a lot of work to do on your self before you become a safe partner for your husband. Moreover, you have some very deep seated issues and especially self esteem issues that you need to address. I think you also need to work on raising the level of your boundaries so that you do not fall back into your previous rut of cheating at the drop of a hat. These are things that you will need to address in IC.

 

For the rest I think you have made a very good beginning with your decision to reconcile with your husband. I don't know but to me your husband seems like your Guardian Angel. He just seems so sure that he has to remain by your side in spite of the fact that you disrespected him so severely. As I said in a previous post he has earned a place for himself in Heaven. Whether the two of you are able to finally make a success of your reconciliation I think you will always owe him a debt of gratitude for not giving up on you and giving you chance after chance. I must say he must see something very angelic in you hidden deep inside you which others and even you are not able to see for him to be so consistent and devoted to you. In that respect I think you are truly blessed. If you read the thread " Life after death" by Chump Change in the JFO section on SI you will see how Chump went scorched earth on his wife for her first transgression which no doubt was horrendous in it's complete disrespect and implied insult to him. You have probably not insulted your husband but certainly have disrespected him in your various cheating episodes. So do take this chance that he is giving to you to be his wife and partner in life and live up to the highest standards of wifely commitment towards him.

 

As a last suggestion I would like to tell you to try Mindfulness meditation as a means of getting in touch with your inner self and then finding true happiness. I think I mentioned the book "Search inside yourself" written by Chade Meng Tan who is an engineer at Google and is now the mindfulness expert there. I think it will help you a lot along with all the other aids that you may rely on to become a better you. Wish you all the very best going forward. Cheers!

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I'm concerned about what your in-laws negative opinion of you might do to your marriage. Obviously, your husband is willing to stay with you but it will be hard for him to deal with how you will be treated by them.

 

What is your real reason for reconciliation with your husband? I'm asking because you have not even considered your husband's feelings about you living alone. He can't trust you because of your past and you insist on living alone when that would make it easier for you to have affairs. If repairing your marriage is your top priority, I suggest that you move in your husband. You can focus on building more independence after you spend at least a year in therapy and prove yourself husband. This situation is not all about your wishes and your comfort.

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What is your real reason for reconciliation with your husband? I'm asking because you have not even considered your husband's feelings about you living alone. He can't trust you because of your past and you insist on living alone when that would make it easier for you to have affairs. If repairing your marriage is your top priority, I suggest that you move in your husband. You can focus on building more independence after you spend at least a year in therapy and prove yourself husband. This situation is not all about your wishes and your comfort.

 

Betty brings up a good point.

 

Your time for independence was during the separation. If you plan on reconciling with your husband, you need to be thinking about a timeline to move back with your husband and your family. It doesn't have to be tomorrow, but there has to be a plan, an intention, to be together again - sooner than later.

 

In other words, either you are in this marriage, or you are out.

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I agree with Bailey and Betty, however, in this situation I think she has made great strides and is on a path to live a healthier lifestyle. I dont believe the marriage has a good chance because where she is coming from to where she needs to be is too great of a gap. Her actions are too selfish and she doesn't seem to place much value in her husband's feelings. But the effort is there.

 

Rainbow, I think it wise that you dont set together as your goal, just focus on being as authentic as you can everyday. In my opinion, there needs to be a humbleness in a Wayward spouse, a willingness to sacrifice something to help the betrayed spouse heal and start to rebuild trust. I have seen no sign of that in your posts. Of course its impossible to document your daily life here, so maybe there is some of that.

 

Reconciliation is hard, far too hard to not do it for anything except you absolutely wanting to be with the man. Were that your main reasons these issues you're posting about now wouldn't be issues.

 

With that all being said, in my opinion you have come a long way and you are doing great.

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Let me first state the obvious: Your selfish choices have put your parents and husband through so much worry and hurt.

 

Reading your threads, it’s quite obvious that you’re incapable of managing your own life, let alone being a co-parent. Let me ask you this: If god forbid and your husband dies today, what are you going to do? You still have to handle your discomfort of the pregnancy and you still have to deal with this ex-bf mess all by yourself, but as a single parent (no one will be splitting the parenting duties with you). You can always come up with one excuse after another for why you should move back in with your husband.

 

Finally, just because your husband is a martyr to you doesn’t mean you have to love him. If you don’t love him that way, then you don’t live him.

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TheRainbow, is your husband in IC? Based on what you have shared about him, I'm concerned about his emotional and mental state. It's very jarring to see someone tolerate a series of appallingly intolerable actions. Couples reconcile after infidelity all the time but your situation is very extreme.

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TheRainbow, is your husband in IC? Based on what you have shared about him, I'm concerned about his emotional and mental state. It's very jarring to see someone tolerate a series of appallingly intolerable actions. Couples reconcile after infidelity all the time but your situation is very extreme.

 

Someone mentioned he has the martyr complex. A previous poster said the husband deserves a place in heaven. I dunno, if both of them are fine with their respective roles, then who are we to judge. Although the husband may appear hurt on the surface, he might be extremely satisfied for playing this big martyr role.

 

I feel very sad for their kids, and I’m not sure why his mother and sister are being painted as the bad guy here.

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I am still attending counselling once a week, and sex addiction meetings one day a week. So I am committed.

 

My husband isn't in counselling. I tried to talk to him about at least giving it a shot, and at this time he hasn't. I can't force him; it has to come from a place of him wanting too, just as I had to come to a point where I wanted to change. I know he is hurting and I'm not 100% sure what he sees in me. He can tell me all the reasons, and they are all practical reasons, but I can't fathom him respecting me. But he says he does.

 

It's logical for anyone to ask me why I want to reconcile. I do love him. I do have feelings for him. We are compatible and looking at the big picture clearly; I do realize a lot of the issues were my fault. Also, neither of us wants to see our children half the time or have to share holidays. There is also from a financial point of view. There will be less money going to our children. And my husband wants all the kids to go to a private school. And that isn't cheap. And us being together, both bringing in some kind of income can help that be a reality. As for how my husband feels about the separation. He doesn't like it, and we talked about it. But I think we both came to an understanding that my reasonings were for the best, even if he didn't like it.

 

As for my mother in law and sister in law. I don't put any blame on them for reacting the way do. It's my fault. I accept the consequences and just hope in time, they come around, not for me, but to accept the baby. She is a wonderful little girl.

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My mother in law contacted my husband this morning and asked if she could have the girls over. She said while she is still angry, bitter over all of this she misses the girls, even the baby and wants to see them. It's a step in the right direction.

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Hi Rainbow, it is good to know that your MIL is softening her stand towards you and your family by wanting to see your children and have them over at her place. The fact is that she is your husband's mother and these kids are her Grand kids. I think the maternal instinct in a woman trumps everything else and so you have a window of opportunity to repair your relationship with her. You will have to be very careful as to how to handle this situation. I think your husband will have to help you here in interacting with the other members of his family. He should always be by your side to see that nothing untoward happens while you are in their presence. On your part I guess you will have to display level of contriteness and vulnerability that you may never in your life before had to deploy. While you do this you will still have to maintain your dignity and not let anyone try to demolish that one crucial facet of your personality.

 

I guess you have a difficult path before you but as part of your rebuilding of your relationship with your husband and his family I think this effort will have to be put in by you as a sort of penance for all your prior transgressions. Over time I think you will be able to heal your relationship with everyone and as the years go by, find a place of love and respect in his family. To my mind that should be your eventual goal. I wonder if you ever did think of getting the book "Search inside yourself" by Chade Meng Tan? If you want to find the essence of happiness I think this is the book for you. Think about it. Warm wishes.

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I'm selfish.

 

I am making progress, and I'm working on my issues. But the one thing I recognize but still seeming to regress is to accept I'm selfish. I may have had some internal issues and self-esteem and self-worth issues, but I was still selfish. By not fully accepting that a part of my actions toward my husband was selfish, I'm still selfish. Selfish. I keep telling myself that so it sticks. My husband finally told me that I needed to stop trying to find blame for my cheating. That I needed to accept that it wasn't anything he did, or anyone else did, but my issues. He did say that deep down inside he saw me as a good person, with a big heart, but I was my own worse enemy and only I could change what I feel on the inside and how I act on the outside.

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Hi Rainbow, like I said your husband has earned his place in Heaven. You may be the luckiest girl in the USA(Remember the song?)! Best wishes.

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Hi Rainbow, like I said your husband has earned his place in Heaven. You may be the luckiest girl in the USA(Remember the song?)! Best wishes.

 

Disagreed. Again, if both of them are fine with their arrangement, then who are we to judge.

 

But what kind of an example is he setting for his kids? I am sure they will grow up resenting him.

 

Don’t forget that many adopted kids grow up wanting to know their birth parents; they may also have this need for medical reasons.

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My daughter will learn the truth when she is old enough. After the initial emotions have subsided and I and even my husband had actually thought about it, if she wants to contact her biological father then neither of us can prevent that, or should we. But right now, it's not in her best interest to have contact with the other man. He hasn't attempted any kind of contact, and any kind of contact, in general, since I have gone no contact has been to bash me. I have a mutual friend who my husband knows about that keeps tabs, and the last update a few weeks ago is he trying to get back with his wife. If he does or doesn't I don't care. I'm focusing on my own marriage.

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My daughter will learn the truth when she is old enough. After the initial emotions have subsided and I and even my husband had actually thought about it, if she wants to contact her biological father then neither of us can prevent that, or should we. But right now, it's not in her best interest to have contact with the other man. He hasn't attempted any kind of contact, and any kind of contact, in general, since I have gone no contact has been to bash me. I have a mutual friend who my husband knows about that keeps tabs, and the last update a few weeks ago is he trying to get back with his wife. If he does or doesn't I don't care. I'm focusing on my own marriage.

 

Are you going to move back in with your husband soon?

Remember to consider what he wants instead of being selfish as you believe that you are.

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Are you going to move back in with your husband soon?

Remember to consider what he wants instead of being selfish as you believe that you are.

 

I'm moving back in with him at the end of next month. My lease is up December 31st, but I am going to leave a month early. Our daughter knows. We see each other for lunch Tuesday and Thursdays, and we spend Wednesday evening out as a family for supper, and I have been spending every weekend at his condo, regardless of whos weekend it is. The transition has been good :)

Edited by TheRainbow
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Are you going to move back in with your husband soon?

Remember to consider what he wants instead of being selfish as you believe that you are.

 

I think what he wants is to be a martyr. The worse the OP treats him, the more mother teresa he becomes. See, some are already saying he has earned his place in heaven. Personally, I don’t see tolerating awful behaviors as a virtue.

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