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Emotionally unfulfilled


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I don't even know where to start. This will be long, so please bear with me (and I'm sorry in advance, lol).

 

My 15 year wedding anniversary is next month, and I'm not feeling fulfilled either emotionally or physically in my marriage. Things were always kind of "off" with us sexually. I got pregnant shortly before we got married, and from the time I started showing, my husband refused to touch me. He said it freaked him out, yada yada. Come to find out, he was watching porn and taking care of himself. Many heart to heart talks and tears (on my part) later, we seemed to have worked it out. Things were "okay" until I quit my job and became a stay at home mom 8ish years ago (he got back into the work force after being a stay at home dad for several years).

 

Having three kids, him working full time and being physically tired and me being a SAHM (which is both physically and emotionally draining as any other stay at home parents out there know!) kind of got us back into a rut. Very infrequent sex, no intimacy, etc.

 

So fast forward to about 8-9 months ago. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and finally went to the doctor. Long story short, I had some issue (hypothyroidism, pretty severe anemia, and some hormonal imbalances). Got all that taken care of and started feeling much better and my libido returned (Hallelujah!!) So in May, we sat down and again had many heart to heart talks and figured out a way to try to spice things up in the bedroom. Things were going pretty good for about a month, and then I had my scheduled hysterectomy. Ever since I got the all clear at my 8 week post-op appointment, we're back to being in a rut, sort of.

 

A little background info. that may or may not shed light on the situation. About the time I was getting my medical issues diagnosed and taken care of, my husband went on a ketogenic diet. He has done *wonderfully* on it. He's lost 40 lb. has regained a TON of energy, and is just generally feeling a lot better. He's also taken up mountain biking and running. Meanwhile I'm stuck here with my stupid thyroid and iron issues, and I can't lose weight to save my life. I should also mention that I had gastric bypass surgery many years ago (before we met) and so there's no logical reason why I shouldn't be able to lose weight. But, I'm not and I can't seem to. So this throws a wrench into the works because I'm ***SUPREMELY*** uncomfortable being naked around him. I never was especially comfortable with it--I've always had a poor self image, even before my weight loss surgery. Now that he's thin and fit, I feel even more uncomfortable around him.

 

As for the physical and emotional aspect of it, my husband has never been a touchy/feely person. We'll hold hands in public or whatever, but that's about the extent of it. Anything beyond that just won't happen. For example, we went out to dinner this past sunday for our first "date night" since I can remember, and at one point I slipped off my shoe and ran my toes up the inside of his calf, to his knee. That's it. AND we were in a pretty un-busy restaurant in a private booth. The way he reacted, you would have thought I had stripped naked and was dancing on the table. He physically pulled his leg away from my foot, pushed my foot away, scowled at me, and said, "What's wrong with you??" I wanted to cry.

 

I should also add that earlier that morning I initiated sex and it was going okay for a while, but he couldn't finish. This is rarely a problem, but it happens occasionally. (Happened moreso before he lost weight). When I realized it just wasn't going to happen, I apologized profusely and asked what I could do. He joked and said, "Nothing. There's always later today or tomorrow. You wore me out!" (in a joking/laughing manner, even though I definitely pulled my weight and did a lot of the work). So then he gets dressed and goes for a 30 mile bike ride.

 

Back to our dinner that evening. On the way home, we're driving and I mentioned something I'd done that morning in bed, and asked if he enjoyed it or noticed a difference or anything, and again he got offended and said, "Why do you ask me stuff like this? You know I don't like talking about it." Again, I wanted to cry. Is this wrong??? My husband has never been one to enjoys being touched. He'll let me rub his shoulders (old injury from when he was a kid, so his muscles get stiff) forever, but if we're just sitting on the sofa, or even lying in bed, I love his arms and his chest, so it's comforting for me to want to stroke them. Not necessarily in a sexual manner, but he's my husband and I love him, and he has nice hairy arms and a chest, so it's comforting for me, lol He'll jerk away and say "Please stop. That's annoying."

 

There is zero foreplay, at least on his part. I do my part and get him in the mood, but then he's just ready for sex. It's not quick, but it's just wham bam thank you mam, and he won't touch me or even look at me really. He keep his eyes closed most of the time.

 

He also is extremely quiet during sex. (He's been like that since I met him, so I can't really complain I suppose). If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was either sleeping or dead. I swear. He makes NO noise. Not even a little moan or grunt, or "oh that feels good." The only time he talks to me EVER during sex is if I'm doing something he's not enjoying, he's quick to ask me to stop.

 

I just feel empty. Am I crazy? Is something up? I have zero (seriously, zero) suspicion that he's cheating on me. I don't think he has it in him, and I don't think he ever would. I'm just sitting here crying wondering if it's me, what Ive done wrong, and honestly, as much as it sickens me to say it, thinking about straying to find a man who will give me the emotional support and tenderness I'm craving, and that I need.

 

Any advice? I don't know if counseling would work at all. I can certainly go, and I'm completely open to it, but unless my husband goes with me, he won't listen to anything I have to say. He would have to hear it from the counselor's mouth and even then, may or may not heed whatever advice he/she gives. And if he didn't go, it would be because he's too busy, we can't afford the co-pay, etc.

 

I don't know what to do.

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Any advice? I don't know if counseling would work at all. I can certainly go, and I'm completely open to it, but unless my husband goes with me, he won't listen to anything I have to say. He would have to hear it from the counselor's mouth and even then, may or may not heed whatever advice he/she gives. And if he didn't go, it would be because he's too busy, we can't afford the co-pay, etc.

 

Have you asked if he's open to going?

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Have you ever told him that his refusal to talk to you hurts your feelings? Many people can't talk about sex. Somehow they think it's wrong. Since he thinks porn is OK, although it may take a crow bar, I think you may be able to pry him open. Keep trying.

 

Meanwhile talk to your doctor about a weight loss program. Consult a nutritionist. My local grocery store offers one for free. You just have to make an appointment. Download a weight loss app on your phone & start tracking -- calories in vs calories out & get moving. Even if you just walk around the block every day it's an exercise start.

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If I may ask, what do you think are the primary issues in your marriage? And, do you think they would be improved with counselling?

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely and sad. It's not you, and I'm sure it is nothing that you have done. I have a strong suspicion that you are just not particularly compatable with your husband... He has basically checked out of the marriage and he is no longer (has never?) engaged in wanting a healthy sex life with you. Perhaps your body image issues play a part in that feeling, or maybe not. It is more of a reflection of him, and what he wants, than you.

 

I would suggest that you have a conversation with him, perhaps attend counselling. I know, you have children together... But, I think I would rather be a single parent than stay in a marriage that makes me really unhappy. At least then, there is a chance that you would find a man who wants to love you the way you deserve to be loved...

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PhillyLibertyBelle

Are you on HRT? You might need hormone medication adjustment.

 

I’m focusing on you and your wellbeing as you mentioned not feeling good about yourself and I don’t have much to offer on the part of your H.

 

As someone who had WLS years ago and also a hysterectomy (no hrt), it does change things some what but sweet friend I am gently telling you... you know there’s bad food happening in this mix too. No one can feel sexy and attractive if they don’t feel happy in their body. So not for H but for yourself, start with a food diary and make a doctors appointment about the hormone tablets. Go back to basics and note down everything that goes into your mouth. No ice cream, pudding, sauces, you know what I mean.

 

PM if you need support.

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But, I'm not and I can't seem to. So this throws a wrench into the works because I'm ***SUPREMELY*** uncomfortable being naked around him. I never was especially comfortable with it--I've always had a poor self image, even before my weight loss surgery. Now that he's thin and fit, I feel even more uncomfortable around him.

 

Men are visually stimulated and he may feel you're just as "shut down" in this regard as you see him being closed off emotionally. In other words, he feels his own version of the same disconnect troubling you.

 

For your marriage to work, you'll both have to move outside your comfort zone...

 

Mr. Lucky

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This is so sad. I do hope you can get counseling. Even then it doesn't seem as if it will help.

 

Not to be one to preach divorce but I was married to someone so incompatible in most ways for so long that I am a huge proponent of finding your true happiness. And you guys seem super incompatible. With counseling you would BOTH have to be willing to make sacrifices. You in some of your expectations and needs and him in his efforts, and possible vice versa. We are only hearing your side of it. We don't know what his needs are for the rest of the marriage. Maybe he would like for you to begin enjoying biking with him? or something you can do together? Do you have shared interests?

 

You could work on the other parts of your marriage but sexual compatibility, in my experience, can't be fixed. I think people just have their needs or non needs in bed and that doesn't really change. Sometimes it can with a colossal effort and a very willing partner to explore some. He doesn't seem willing now, but maybe with counseling.

 

I hope you can find your path, whatever it may be. But from what you have written, your marriage is either over or needs severe counseling and cannot continue like it is.

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Rough place to be in for sure I hope you can sort it out through counseling and remember therapy helps everyone even when you arent going htrough something

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Hey

 

Gonna give you an other perspective here.

 

I feel like i can identify to your husband a little bit,i have never been at ease being touch ( sometime its better than others but overall it makes me uncomfortable )and it can drive my gf crazy ( prob why we are having some issue and im reading this forum)

 

And for me i can tell you its not my gf fault, im like that with every one ( my mom brothers and friend).

Ive been told i might have a condition called hypersensitivity ( often autistic ppl have it i am not autistic however)

 

My youngest kid has it, she cant tolerate big noise, some clothing and even the texture of some food).

With age it can get better but im 38 and getting touch is still not something i really like.

 

Also some ppl can be a bit prude/shy when its time to open up about sex.

My Gf love for me to talk dirty to her and if she ask me if i masturbate and stuff like that it makes me feel real uneasy.

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  • 10 months later...
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Before I go any further, please keep in mind that I do NOT think my husband has ever cheated on me physically, nor do I ever think he would.

 

Early in our marriage, my husband had a bit of a porn addiction. Almost 16 years later, things are good 99% of the time--porn issue is LONG gone, but it left a bad taste in my mouth. He's also done things like order a $300 GPS unit and had it shipped to work, opened credit cards, etc. behind my back. Please keep in mind that I'm no saint. I've opened store cards and spent money on stuff too.

 

Last week while we were visiting his family out of state, he mentioned wanting to meet an old girlfriend for coffee. I didn't realize he was still in contact with old girlfriends, but whatever--I was mostly okay with it as long as it was at a coffee shop and not her house, lol He had mentioned this woman before, kind of offhand, and said she was a recovering alcoholic and in a bad marriage. Ended up that we cut the trip short and he never did meet her.

 

On Monday, I have NO idea what got into me, but I checked his messages on Facebook. (Haven't done *any* checking up on him in years and years...probably not since his browser history back in his porn days.) I didn't find anything incriminating as far as flirting, sex talk, or any signs of physical infidelity. He's been messaging his old girlfriend, another childhood friend (woman) and a few other people. I have two main problems with this: In the message to his old girlfriend, he mentioned to her "So when are we going to go on our trip?" and she said something to the tune of "When my PT clears me." My husband is very much into backpacking, I should add, and I am not. The second thing that truly bothers me is that he has shared some of my own very personal information with this woman, a male friend of his, and his sister in law (the SIL message was back in December of last year, and is mostly irrelevant).

 

Before he got home from work that night, I texted him and casually asked if he had any backpacking trips coming up. He said that was a strange question, but no, he didn't. I went back to re-read the messages a while later to make sure I wasn't crazy or hadn't misunderstood anything, and they were GONE. Every single message in Facebook messenger was no longer there. (I would like to add that he's the type who never deletes ANYTHING. He has thousands of old emails, messages on FB that went back to 2011, etc.) I ended up confronting him about these messages when he got home, and specifically that it bothered me that he was apparently planning a trip with this woman. He gave a half hearted excuse about "we're not really going on a trip, we were just talking" blah blah blah. He accused me of never trusting him from day one of our marriage, and I accused him of betraying my trust by sharing my extremely personal struggles/problems with people (both family and friends whom I know). He claimed he has always has more female friends than male, he relates with them better, he needs to be able to vent to someone other than me, etc.

 

Since this incident, he has put a password on his computer, and NEVER leaves his phone unattended. We were sitting outside talking about this the other night trying to work through it and a text came in. He read it and deleted it. Seriously, he's always giving me crap about deleting stuff. He'll text me something and I'll respond to it and delete the message. Sometime later he'll refer back to it, and I'm like "Oh, I deleted that." This is the way I've always been, and I'm not trying to hide anything. I think it stems back in the day before smartphones, where messages and stuff took up memory, lol But anyway...

 

I don't even know what to do. I tried to tell him my life is an open book to him and if the roles were reversed, I would have ZERO issue with letting him look through anything and everything on my phone and computer that he wanted. If he found something even remotely questionable, I would try my hardest to explain what it was. He said he's a very private person, and can no longer trust me. WTF?

 

Am I wrong here? Actually, I know I was wrong for snooping through his facebok messages. I'll admit that. But am I wrong for feeling so--I don't even know how to describe it. Since he put the password on everything and is deleting messages and stuff now, it is KILLING me inside. If anything, it makes my suspicions even stronger. If he has nothing to hide, why is he trying so hard to hide it?

 

I get needing privacy, needing to talk with someone other than your spouse, etc., but if he TRULY thinks he's doing no wrong, why is he being so secretive all of a sudden? In a way, I feel like he's emotionally cheating on me.

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He deleted the Facebook messages because you caught him in the act of cheating on you. And, then he deflected any accountability on his part, by accusing you of snooping. Oldest game in the cheater's handbook, using deflection and accusation on their victim. Has happened to me several times.

 

Same pattern all three times from the guys who cheated on me: I catch them cheating then confront them, they deny it and deflect by turning the tables on the fact that I caught their cheating by logging into their Facebook account, email account, or read their text messages.

 

When you are in a relationship with another person, you have 100% right to access their social media, their cellphones, because you have no secrets.

 

Your husband's trying to cover his tracks now that you caught him -- that's why he changed his social media/email passwords and cut you off from all access. Trust? Pfft. You shouldn't trust him ever again.

 

Your husband's porn addiction problem should have been a huge red flag for you that he's not trustworthy. Porn addiction never goes away. Sorry to tell you. It just gets buried. My brother is addicted to porn and married his college sweetheart and they have four children together. He's a born-again who STILL uses porn between evangelizing God to everyone. His wife just looks the other way and pretends their marriage is storybook and that it won't warp the four children they're raising together. Why does their dad spend all those hours alone in his room? He's wanking off to porn, that's why. It's pretty horrible.

 

Your husband was planning a trip with his ex-girlfriend and you caught him, called him out on it, and instead of respecting your feelings and marriage and take the high road and admit 1) you're right, he was going to take that trip and cheat on you with her and 2) he's still addicted to porn but found ways to hide it from you, he took the low road and cut you off from access to any trails he created online through social media and email and his cellphone that's now locked.

 

It sounds like your husband is a raging sex addict who prefers the fantasy world to the world you offered him in real life. And because he's selfish, your offer isn't enough for him to respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

Did you seek intervention for your husband's porn addiction before with 12-step groups, medications, and therapy and marriage counseling? If you did, well, it clearly didn't "take" if he's still using social media to plan trips with ex-girlfriends behind your back and then deny it and shame you for calling him out, asking him to take responsibility for lying to you.

 

Since he doesn't want to take responsibility for lying to you, he's happy shaming and blaming you, keeping you trapped in a cycle of guilt that you will continue yourself, because you love him and want him to be a normal loving husband. But is he capable of being that to you?

 

Ask yourself what you get from being married to this man? What is the payoff? What is the benefit? You sound like you have to walk on eggshells with him because he doesn't tell you the truth when you catch him lying to you. Is this what you want to endure for the next 50 years of marriage to this man?

 

This situation sounds very complicated and very stressful.

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You don't know how lucky you are. Most people do not find out their spouses are stepping out on them until months or years after the event.

 

You made one mistake and that was confronting him before you had the evidence. You should have saved them messages even if you had to do it as screen shots. He panicked and erased everything which confirmed what his intentions were. Now he's gone underground and instead finessing your way through his emails and telephone you are now going to need a crowbar.

 

There are programs that can be used to recover files but you must be computer literate to install and use them. Check your phone bill for unknown numbers and see if you can find out who belong to.

 

A program called a Key Logger can be installed on the computer.

 

You can purchase voice activated recorders and attempt to record a phone call between him and his girl friend.

 

Please take this seriously. I'm afraid you will have to put your Sherlock Holmes hat on.

 

Or...……

 

You can demand that he provide total transparency on his devices or you are filing for divorce. If he is in a emotional affair nothing less than the threat of divorce will get him to pay attention. Think about it. You caught him and has he stopped?

 

Keep in mind that this won't stop him from buying a burner phone or talking to his girlfriend from the office computer.

 

This is bad and you need help. Is there any one you can count on as an ally? Is there any family or a very good friend?

 

You can stop this but it may turn your life upside down.

 

Or...….

 

You can accept the common notion today that everybody cheats eventually and that it should be treated as if the wayward spouse spent too much money. Forgiveness is on the menu.

 

What would you like to do? How do you want to handle this?

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thefooloftheyear

Sounds like you weren't particularly well matched from the beginning....

 

My gut feeling is that he probably does love you on some level and respects that you are the mother of his kids, he's just not attracted to you physically and is just "bored" of you.…I know that sounds harsh, but from what I have read, its what it sounds like...And his "getting into shape" was more than likely done for the purpose of readying himself for a new life...without you..

 

I initially thought low drive or depression over his life, but because he seems to want to "see whats out there", I am thinking that is the case here..You can beat your brains in tracking him or spying, but is it really necessary at this point?

 

The porn stuff was more than likely the end result and not the cause of your issues.....Many women disagree here, but that's not the case normally..

 

I don't know what the end result will be, but usually when that ship sails(intimacy/sex)….it never returns...

 

I wish you well..

 

TFY

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You can beat your brains in tracking him or spying, but is it really necessary at this point?

 

Have to agree with this - justemma, what else do you need to know?

 

Your H was planning a secret trip (and had put some effort into it) with an old GF. So his newfound need for digital privacy isn't really the issue here.

 

Your marriage is on life support. The next step is up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - You posted once at the beginning of this thread in 2018 and then disappeared for a year. You don't get much from the feedback here unless you participate...

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He just sounds like not a very affectionate person. Was he always like this, even before you married, or did he used to be touchy and affectionate?

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